Adult Son living with parents

[Theworldsgonemad]

My Son is 29 and lives with us.
He went away to Uni for four years, came back and his long term relationship broke up.
He's been single since.
He has a very good job.
Has a hobby.
However he's not interested in living on his own, getting his own place. We live in an area of the country which is extremely expensive re housing.
It's not a problem for us, him living at home. I just wonder if it's good for him.
I don't know what I'm asking really. Your thoughts, I guess.

@Differentforgirls

how is that relevant?

the poster is right… living at home at his age will give a lot of potential partners the ick and put them off him. That’s just life . It’s a downside. Clearly there are perks of living with parents though which he is choosing to prioritise.

Take on? Decent? Wow 😮

You'll get some on here urging you to turf him out but i think just do you. Ignore other peoples judgement. If he's happy and youre happy then all is good. If you live in an expensive part of the country hes going to struggle to get on the property ladder. Just focus on the positives- hes working and presumably happy. My son at 25 has just moved out to rent with a friend. I miss him hugely.

A lot of jobs are only in one area, though. Eg London. If the parents live in London, and the guy’s job is in London, it’s more sensible to live with his parents if there’s space to save money. Every single young person I know (and I know loads) in this situation does the same. My DD bought a flat in London last year in her late 20s. Apart from being away for university, she always lived at home. She is the only one of her friends to have bought anything. Others have boyfriends and girlfriends and one is engaged, and living at home hasn’t stopped them having relationships. Her boyfriend is the same age and lives with his mum in London.

My son did not return home after university (he's 24). He got a job in his uni city, rented a flat and is now buying with his girlfriend (tiny house but a start) - Manchester so less expensive. We actively supported him and encouraged him to move away (move forward). Too many young adults seem to move back home and get stuck. Also many seem to want to eventually move from the comfort of home to an equally comfortable house of their own without facing any difficult bits e.g tiny flat, house share and so on.

Because of the way she spoke about someone else’s.

I think it’s fine, but I would expect a plan.

It’s so normal in their generation that I don’t think it would put a future partner off. Also economically it makes no sense for him to use his only stamp-duty-free purchase to buy a tiny flat which will be a struggle to sell - the property ‘ladder’ isn’t really a thing any more. However, if his job is decent, he should have an aim to have at least half a deposit for a house, probably by now tbh.

English culture does expect new households (couples) to move into a separate dwelling, and has done since at least medieval times - the true multigenerational household with couples moving into with one of the sets of parents and having grandchildren there is not typical at all, though I’m sure it’s happening more than it used to. An adult at home is fine though.

One bed flats are hard to sell down the line, several friends of mine regret buying them. It’s been hard enough to sell our 2 bed starter house to move up the ladder, wish we’d saved for longer and bought bigger in the first place! It also costs so much to sell and move, sounds like they’re in the south same as us. It’s costing us £30k to go from a 2 bed house to a 3 bed but we really need the space. So OP, if your son can stay at home and save, encourage him to do so. As someone of a similar age, to me there’s nothing red flag about a man who does contribute at home, can and does cook/clean and is staying there to save up. It’s when they live at home and are babied then it’s a problem, hopefully OP is making sure he’s not useless in a house. If they know their way around a budget, know how to cook/clean well, know how to invest then all green flags imo.

Honestly, I think we need to let go of old fashioned ideas about what age people should be living alone and any stigma about adult children living at home. In many areas of the country owning or renting is prohibitively expensive for all but those on the highest salaries. It’s not a good thing, but it is the reality and I think expectations need to be adjusted to match this.

@dicentra365 but what if the parents don’t want it though? Surely their wants/needs matter too?

i doubt it gives potential sensible partners the ick, that is life,

If he behaves like a responsible adult and genuinely recognises that he'll need to move out any time you ask him to, it's fine.

@WillowTit

i think it will.

I was meaning on a wider societal level, that it needed to be more accepted that adults would be at home longer and there shouldn’t be a stigma. Of course on an individual case by case basis it might not be achievable for all sorts of reasons.

I think this is some of the reasons I question the arrangement.
He does travel with work however and gives talks at conferences in front of a few hundred people in his field.

Maybe now would be a good time to sit down and have a conversation about it. He turns thirty this year, so you could use that and this new year status to ask about his plans, New Year’s resolutions etc. If he’s non-committal, then maybe guide him. If houses are expensive where you are, can he move further out to get a cheaper place, or lower his expectations. Ie. Flat rather than house etc.

I’m guessing if he’s almost thirty, you’re also thinking about your future such as retirement and pensions. Are you thinking of downsizing etc. ?

I really don't see why it is a problem at all. Presumably you have the family home which is big enough to accommodate everyone. You live in a desirable part of the country - London -? where rents are high . He isn't living as some lazy bugger in the spare room . Has a career that involves traveling too. Presume he has a social life .

Why is it a peculiarly British thing to need to own property and generational living isn't seen as good enough . Honestly life is hard enough and I personally don't see any virtue in being hard done by or being uncomfortable as character building .

@Soonenough

but ‘roughing it’ a bit, working your way up in your career and up the property ladder is all just part and parcel of life and being a young adult. OP presumably did that, her parents did it before her, etc. it’s not cruel to expect today’s young adults to do the same. And yes there is cost of living crisis now but in the past there have been various recessions, etc things like miners strikes etc every generation have faced their own hardships .

But he doesn’t need a house. He can rent a one-bedroom flat or live in a houseshare. That’s what most people do when they leave home.

I don't see a problem if you are all happy with the arrangement.

I just wonder if in the future when you and OH are older and are in need of help he will be quite so keen to be there picking up the task! I have noticed there is a bit of a one-way traffic in this regard.

Is that the same for a female who lives at home?

It is very dependent on circumstance.

I lived at home until I was 29, but my dad worked away for long stretches so mam and I became sharing adults. It seemed silly for both of us to live alone.

My own children and step children have lived with us at various points. There has always been a home for them around university, new jobs but with an open discussion about their future plans and an expectation that they would move on.

All six boys have!

They have all been supported to a small extent with a LISA for their first house deposit.
They have been brought up to be very independent, cook, clean, iron, shop. I was a single parent, working full time, when mine were young teens, they had no chioce but to take on chores and look after themselves!

Various set ups now one rents with his partner, post uni. One has moved in with his partner and her children, two rent alone and the youngest has moved to a cheaper area and bought. He is ready to sell that house and use the capital for his next house.

@Cherrytree86 See this is what I don't agree with . I don't think roughing it if you don't have to is necessary . I had a father who grew up harshly and he didn't want that for us . We still had a good work ethic but didn't need to live in a grotty flat share to prove ourselves . Just because times were harder it doesn't mean we should wish it on our DCs . I think it's hard enough world without putting obstacles in their way just for the sake of it . The OP son doesn't seem to be failing at adulthood at all. Again I do question if this is a British thing along the lines of character building Gordunston like places .

@Soonenough

you do realise that living with mates in a grotty flat share can actually be lots of fun and well worth sacrificing the home comforts of living with your parents??

He's 29 and living at home with Mum and according to quite a number of posters that's a good thing?

Ds graduated in July after 4 years at university. He then lived at home for about 4 months - doing an internship and working in a factory- paying a small amount towards keep. Last month he started a permanent job a couple of hours away from us and has moved into a houseshare. Id have loved him to stay at home but I can see it's better for him to make an independent future for himself. He's 22 and if all goes to plan hopes to have saved up a deposit to buy a house in the next 2 years. He is ND and is unlikely to ever have a partner.