Adult Son living with parents

Theworldsgonemad · 2025-12-31T13:16:42+00:00

My Son is 29 and lives with us. He went away to Uni for four years, came back and his long term relationship broke up. He's been single since. He has a very good job. Has a hobby. However he's not interested in living on his own, getting his own place. We live in an area of the country which is extremely expensive re housing. It's not a problem for us, him living at home. I just wonder if it's good for him. I don't know what I'm asking really. Your thoughts, I guess.

Coffeeishot · 31/12/2025 13:22

Well is he contributing to the household or are you treating him like a permanent? He will move when you either suggest it or he feels he wants to move on with life,

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/12/2025 13:27

Whether its good for him depends on how much you do for him.

Does he contribute to the household costs? Is he saving the difference? Does he contribute to the day to day running of the house - cooking, cleaning, laundry?

If he's living like a teenager who's waited on = not good. If he's living like an adult who understands shared responsibility = good. If he's living like an adult who understands shared responsibility and is saving = excellent.

VanCleefArpels · 31/12/2025 13:29

What is he doing with his money? Contributing 1/3 of the total household expenses (if not why not)? Saving (if so to what end?) Frittering it away?

It’s not unusual for twenty something’s to be living at home with parents these days but if he’s approaching 30 and never paid his own bills or run his own home then I’d be having a chat: what’s the long term plan?

mygrandchildrenrock · 31/12/2025 13:30

Apparently many adult children still live at home until their thirties all over Europe. I don’t have a source but it’s something I’ve read recently. As long as you’re all happy with the arrangement and he does his share of cooking/cleaning I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be good for him.

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 13:30

Of course he’s not interested in living on his own, when he has all amenities provided, and I assume doesn’t pay anything like a market rent, either. What does your DS want for his future? If he wants a relationship, he needs to set up on his own - it’s a huge red flag, a man still living at home with Mummy and Daddy. How do you feel about having him there? Surely the aim of parenting is to enable your DC to make their own way in the world. Does he have any siblings? If so, what do they think? I don’t think you’re doing your DS any favours - you need to make life a little less comfortable for him. He needs to move out.

Eyeshadow · 31/12/2025 13:36

I know loads of people a similar age who moved back with parents.

I would be encouraging him to save money for a deposit though so he can one day get on the property ladder.

It’s much more common than you realise.

Mumsknot · 31/12/2025 13:37

I think as long as you’re fine with it, it’s fine

My son and daughter (25/24) are both back home as their landlords sold their properties and they’ve struggled to find something else.

TwillTrousers · 31/12/2025 13:37

Is he saving?

BillieWiper · 31/12/2025 13:41

I get that if he can only afford to rent a bedsit or room in HMO then he's better off at home.

But if he could afford a deposit it does seem a bit limiting that he doesn't want to have his own place. Is it a financial issue at all?

Ultimately though if you're happy for him to be there you can tell him you'll be fully supportive of him getting his own place. Help with moving etc but if he doesn't want to then he can stay.

Assuming you don't baby him, cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry etc? He needs to be living like an independent adult even if he is at home.

OchreSnail · 31/12/2025 13:43

Mine are around this age. One lives with me, one rents with her boyfriend. Both arrangements are fine. A huge proportion of friends of both have moved back in with their parents after uni. Private renting is absurdly expensive and difficult now and it's hard to see why struggling through with renting usually while also trying to save to buy is seen as a badge of honour.

The cost of housing in general is making independent living almost impossible for many people of all ages. I really hope the renter reforms feed through into some real change down the line.

Hockorydickerydock · 31/12/2025 13:44

I am 35 and live at home, to have one bed flat it’s like £950 a month and take home is £1700

Tablesandchairs23 · 31/12/2025 13:46

As long as your all happy with the arrangement it's not an issue. I hope you don't run round doing everything for him.

suburburban · 31/12/2025 13:48

It’s similar for us, ds works away some of the time so it seems to work

Coffeeishot · 31/12/2025 13:48

Coffeeishot · 31/12/2025 13:22

Well is he contributing to the household or are you treating him like a permanent? He will move when you either suggest it or he feels he wants to move on with life,

Goodness I meant to say "permateen" !

Flowers999 · 31/12/2025 13:50

I think it depends whether he is saving money for his own place long term?

landslide51 · 31/12/2025 14:07

In many places in Europe multi generational households are common (and even more so in Asia). Dh's aunt and uncle have her dd and gdd living with them. The dd's husband also lived there for quite a number of years before they split up.

If it works for all of you then it's absolutely fine.

VanCleefArpels · 31/12/2025 14:07

BillieWiper · 31/12/2025 13:41

I get that if he can only afford to rent a bedsit or room in HMO then he's better off at home.

But if he could afford a deposit it does seem a bit limiting that he doesn't want to have his own place. Is it a financial issue at all?

Ultimately though if you're happy for him to be there you can tell him you'll be fully supportive of him getting his own place. Help with moving etc but if he doesn't want to then he can stay.

Assuming you don't baby him, cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry etc? He needs to be living like an independent adult even if he is at home.

Totally agree with the last paragraph: the dynamic needs to be housemates NOT parent/child.

Rictasmorticia · 31/12/2025 14:16

This is becoming so common.My 29 year old GD still lives with her parents. She has enough money for a deposit thanks to a wealthy Grandfather. The parents think it would be better for her own well being to move out. Having that conversation seems to be difficult.

Original poster

Theworldsgonemad · 31/12/2025 14:34

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 13:30

Of course he’s not interested in living on his own, when he has all amenities provided, and I assume doesn’t pay anything like a market rent, either. What does your DS want for his future? If he wants a relationship, he needs to set up on his own - it’s a huge red flag, a man still living at home with Mummy and Daddy. How do you feel about having him there? Surely the aim of parenting is to enable your DC to make their own way in the world. Does he have any siblings? If so, what do they think? I don’t think you’re doing your DS any favours - you need to make life a little less comfortable for him. He needs to move out.

This is rather harsh and quite condescending.
He works around 50hrs a week.
To afford a 2 bed house with a commute of an hour or less, you need a salary of around 100k and a big deposit. That is a tough ask for a single person.
He helps out in the house, mostly at weekends when he's here.
He pays us a rent that we asked for, not market rate though. He saves and invests.

OP posts:

Wisperley · 31/12/2025 14:38

landslide51 · 31/12/2025 14:07

In many places in Europe multi generational households are common (and even more so in Asia). Dh's aunt and uncle have her dd and gdd living with them. The dd's husband also lived there for quite a number of years before they split up.

If it works for all of you then it's absolutely fine.

Edited

^ This. Only in some cultures (British is one of them) do we think we should all live separately to somehow prove how grown-up and independent we are. It's conditioning - my Spanish friend cannot understand why we send our children away to university - she thinks we're cruel and selfish. We,on the other hand, think they must go to 'learn to live independently'.

Soonenough · 31/12/2025 14:40

Under the circumstances you describe the arrangement seems fine . It can work if the home is big enough and he contributes and helps out . Which he does.
It is only recently that single person homeownership was considered essential. I come from a background where it was normal to live at home until you got married . Still remember the drama when a cousin moved in with her boyfriend and it was labelled a trial marriage.

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 15:03

@ Theworldsgonemad -

I didn’t mean to be condescending, but I do think your DS needs to get out on his own - perhaps an HMO with some friends to start with?

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 31/12/2025 15:18

Wisperley · 31/12/2025 14:38

^ This. Only in some cultures (British is one of them) do we think we should all live separately to somehow prove how grown-up and independent we are. It's conditioning - my Spanish friend cannot understand why we send our children away to university - she thinks we're cruel and selfish. We,on the other hand, think they must go to 'learn to live independently'.

Show quote history

Unless your friend lives in a city with universities, it’s no different than a uni student in Spain.

We go home a lot more though. Unless you’re studying really far from home you’re expected to go home at least every other weekend. Any less than that and your family thinks you’ve abandoned them.

Hollyhobbi · 31/12/2025 15:20

My eldest moved out when she was 26. She was in college for 4 years but commuted as it was only a half hour tram ride from our house. And with Covid she was online for months too. I was a house owner at her age! But she did live in Spain for 10 months and another Irish city for a year. Rent is expensive where we live.

VanCleefArpels · 31/12/2025 16:07

Theworldsgonemad · 31/12/2025 14:34

This is rather harsh and quite condescending.
He works around 50hrs a week.
To afford a 2 bed house with a commute of an hour or less, you need a salary of around 100k and a big deposit. That is a tough ask for a single person.
He helps out in the house, mostly at weekends when he's here.
He pays us a rent that we asked for, not market rate though. He saves and invests.

Show quote history

Not charging him a realistic rent is not doing him any favours though as it reinforces the idea that living independently is unaffordable when he looks at the real costs of things. That’s why I suggested 1/3 of the total expenses of the household should be borne by him at least. And why consider 2 bed houses, what’s wrong with a one bed flat? Or 2 beds and a flatmate/lodger? And I agree with PP that if he wants a relationship then living independently will make him eminently more attractive!