In a pickle with young adult son

[Walksformiles]

Help. Am losing the plot.
DS is 21, living with me and his dad. Only child growing up as 3 half-siblings live abroad. Lots of friends as a child. After Covid became more reclusive, like many I think. Had a rotten Sixth form. Took a year out to do extra study, at home. I helped a LOT. Got into Uni. Hated it. I think he didn’t do any work. Didn’t want to go back after first year ( but he failed it anyway). Now half-heartedly looking for jobs and apprenticeships with me pushing ( I know I should probably back off). But he's not getting through assessments or interviews. Won’t do any prep for them. Doesn’t know what he wants to do ( I get that). Games every night with friends from school who are at Uni. I’m ok with that, as right now it’s his only social life. Won’t go out to see friends when they are home as there are a couple he doesn’t like in the group. Walks the dog a bit. Cooks for us a bit. And that’s it. Nothing else. I worry about him finding friendships, love, a job. He's lovely, funny, bright. But also often sullen and uncommunicative and can be unkempt. I think he may be depressed or have another MH matter but realise I might be looking for a ‘reason’ for all this. He won’t even consider that’s a possibility. I vary between being distraught – crying me eyes out on dog walk, and furious. We live in a small rural area with not many opportunities going.
I had a full on epic meltdown last night of sweary shouting - which scared DH and DS and surprised even myself.
Anybody have similar experience with light at the end of the tunnel?

No personal experience myself but have seen it with friends children.
No ambition, constantly gaming, funded by parents etc and then they get to 30 with no responsibility or idea of how real life works.
How will they function when the parents are no-longer there providing shelter, food & money?

I think some tough love is called for to get him out of this spiral with proper goals and incentives.
Forget long-term career (never thought I would hear myself thinking that!) but he must get a job....... any job.

And turn the WiFi off at midnight.

He won’t go anywhere when he doesn’t need to. Turn off the WiFi. If you’re giving him any money, stop. Nothing is going to change unless things change.

Get him to volunteer somewhere, anywhere. That gets him out of the house, gaining skills, talking to people. I think the sooner this happens the better otherwise it will just get harder. Google volunteering roles in your area.

It is basically a soft launch. This then hopefully leads to a paying job with the skills he gains.

His uni friends will presumably be graduating soon (2026?) and won’t be able to game all night when they have to get up for work. So what’s he going to do then?

I agree with @Nourishinghandcream, talk to him about establishing some long-term goals so that he has something to aim for. You can’t/won’t carry him indefinitely, he’s an adult now and needs to get on with his life.

Being distraught, furious, crying, swearing and shouting isn't good for you. Tell the grown man that he does not get to be a layabout bum in your house, funded by you.
Stop funding him, tell him he will be paying towards the bills starting from March, and you will not be housing him after 2026.
He won't believe you, but there needs to be action or he'll still be slobbing around your house in a decade.

Covid threw the spotlight on neurodiversity. A lot struggled to return after lockdown ( my own included) as they became used to the quiet and less pressure.

You’re being too easy on him.

WiFi only goes on when he’s completed tasks around the house.

Set goals for each week/month. A certain number of jobs applied for etc.

Tell him sternly that something needs to change. He either needs to go to the doctors to talk about his mental health or take proactive steps to make things better himself.

Leaving the house daily for exercise, being social at home with the family, doing things other than gaming.

Stop funding him. Don’t feed him. Get rid of wifi.

if he won’t contribute then he can suffer the natural consequences of relying on others.

I stopped funding my youngest (similar age to your son now, prob same school year), when he finished college and turned 18. He’d lost his way a bit with Covid. Took him a lot of applications to get his first job but he started work by the autumn after finishing college and hasn’t looked back really. Hard working, sociable (was very, very quiet during college years) and is off to uni next year. But I was very clear with him that I was not funding a grown arse adult to sit on his backside.

I agree @ArseInTheCoOpWindow.
Among my DD’s (20) friends, it took varying lengths of time to adjust back into education and work, but everyone has now. It’s definitely time for @Walksformiles‘s son to move forward too.

It took mine 3 years! She was only 14 then though.

But he may be undiagnosed ND. Avoiding friends and work. I’d be disturbed by the unkemptness though.

l think first stop would be GP, Even if he insists nothing is wrong, it’s just avoidance. .

Disconnect the wifi. Stop funding his phone/car/luxuries.

If you’re providing him with any of the above then you’re enabling him.

Allow him internet access for the purpose of applying for jobs, disconnect his internet at 8pm every night.

If he wants these things he’ll need to get a job to pay for them.

I think this is a young adult with a disability. That needs diagnosing first.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Yes, it took one of DD’s friends a while to readjust.

Summer 2026 will be five years since the last lockdown though, so @Walksformiles‘s son really does need to move forward or he’s going to miss out on life.

He does.

But mine is still carrying issues from lockdown. It’s been 5 years and she’s still not back to who/where she was.

All of you saying... disconnect the wi-fi... wtf?
What about everyone else??

There are settings, of course. Only the unemployed adult doesn't get to access the WiFi he doesn't pay for.

@Paganpentacle There are several apps that can disconnect the WiFi to specified devices-that’s what we used to prevent our children from going online after 10 PM.

Tough love needed here. He needs to get any job and pay board. Don’t let him be like my neighbours 30 year old son who’s never had a job and games all day because he’s “depressed”. Fuck me, we ALL get depressed but get through it by distractions e.g. work and socialising in real life.

Aaah.
As you were in that case 😆

Oh great. Another one to claim benefits for “anxiety”?

Is he applying for all kinds of jobs? He needs to get a job, any job.

He ain’t claiming anything.

My DD gets benefits for anxiety. Can’t catch a bus, struggles to speak to people despite medication. The assessor actually moved her points up.

Hope that pisses you off too

Yes, he is applying for anything, retail, hospitality etc. But has very little work experience so I don't suppose that helps..

The mh test for DS is whether he’s missing out on stuff he wants to do.

I agree, thank you. Charity shops might be a possibility