In a pickle with young adult son

[Walksformiles]

Help. Am losing the plot.
DS is 21, living with me and his dad. Only child growing up as 3 half-siblings live abroad. Lots of friends as a child. After Covid became more reclusive, like many I think. Had a rotten Sixth form. Took a year out to do extra study, at home. I helped a LOT. Got into Uni. Hated it. I think he didn’t do any work. Didn’t want to go back after first year ( but he failed it anyway). Now half-heartedly looking for jobs and apprenticeships with me pushing ( I know I should probably back off). But he's not getting through assessments or interviews. Won’t do any prep for them. Doesn’t know what he wants to do ( I get that). Games every night with friends from school who are at Uni. I’m ok with that, as right now it’s his only social life. Won’t go out to see friends when they are home as there are a couple he doesn’t like in the group. Walks the dog a bit. Cooks for us a bit. And that’s it. Nothing else. I worry about him finding friendships, love, a job. He's lovely, funny, bright. But also often sullen and uncommunicative and can be unkempt. I think he may be depressed or have another MH matter but realise I might be looking for a ‘reason’ for all this. He won’t even consider that’s a possibility. I vary between being distraught – crying me eyes out on dog walk, and furious. We live in a small rural area with not many opportunities going.
I had a full on epic meltdown last night of sweary shouting - which scared DH and DS and surprised even myself.
Anybody have similar experience with light at the end of the tunnel?

Yes, he can drive, and I'm encouraging him to look into delivery jobs.

You're right about the self-esteem thing and the rejection emails. Cooking , yes, maybe. Can't say he likes it but he ca do it so that's a thought. X

I am assuming he is claiming UC? Life is a bit easy for him at the moment and he is blocking out the reality of what he has got himself into. My nephew was n this situation and got a job at Deliveroo -not the job his Mum wanted, but he is getting out of the house and earning money.

No. Although have a think if he has anything unusual to add. My son had some work experience but that didn’t help. I reminded him he has a severely learning disabled and autistic brother. He added that to his applications along with why relevant and suddenly got interviews - and a job offer within about two weeks of adding it to his applications.

So any sort of extra experience may help. Otherwise volunteering will be a start.

Free skills courses can be a way of avoiding doing anything more useful as a way of keeping you off his back.

I would honestly look at where he is handing over responsibility to you and start to kindly but firmly hand it back. Being an adult is all about recognising responsibilities and then accepting them and meeting them. That can start at home

I would honestly look at where he is handing over responsibility to you and start to kindly but firmly hand it back. Being an adult is all about recognising responsibilities and then accepting them and meeting them.

@Climbinghigher That’s a great way of putting it. Let’s be honest, we’d all like to hand over at least some of our responsibilities to someone else, but we can’t!

Also, we parents in our 50’s/60’s can’t prop up our adult children forever, we want to retire at some point, or we might be unlucky and have health problems ( I was in my 20’s when my Mum died ). So they have to start adulting.

I think some young people just don't seem prepared to do something if they don't like it or find it difficult these days. And they kind of block out any urgency to sort out their lives by turning to gaming all the time instead. I would say that he must study or get a job, and pay rent. Also, I would cut the amount of time he can access the wi-fi, because sitting round the house all day and night is extremely boring, except when you have constant access to something that stops you feeling bored and makes the day go by quite quickly. You shouldn't have to do that with young adults, but he needs something to kickstart his life again.

Ok, so he's now got his universal credit claim saying the right thing? I can't remember what the rate is for a 21 year old but my ds dropped out of uni at the same age (now approaching 24) the work coach was VERY persistent and he had to prove he was applying for anything and everything even if it wasn't full time . So, after over 80 applications he secured a 12 hour contract with the co op. It was far from ideal and he hated it but he was working and receiving a universal credit 'top up' because he hated it he then had to do something about finding something else and after a year beat 700 people to a job linked to one of his hobbies. When he dropped out of uni, our 'tough love' was that he had to get up each morning, do the required job applications and he managed to secure a one bedroom flat in a low rent area, universal.credit will pay an allowance towards renting a room for a 21 year old in a shared house whereas if he stays with you , he qualifies for nothing .
Job wise he has to change his mentality, 1 day volunteering could lead to a few days paid work, could lead to a full time job. At this stage what he wants to eventually do doesn't come into it. As someone else has said, there may be schemes in your area for 18-25 year old to 'get into work ' the work coach will also expect him to attend work training and may be able to assist with a work placement, but he has to push them for it, otherwise they can sanction him.for not applying enough etc

That's helpful, thank you. Glad your DS got on track.

Oh feck, I hadn't thought of the avoidance aspect. And his handing over might be more about me diving in with my projections than him handing over responsibility. Will have a good think about that. Thank you.

No point turning off the WiFi at midnight, he will undoubtedly have data with his phone package.

Good luck! I find thinking about things in terms of responsibility - and who should be responsible for what - makes it easier to see when I am being fair/unfair.

Even if he is anxious etc he is still responsible for himself and avoiding responsibilities has consequences (such as not being able to afford rent etc if not living at home ….).

Which will eventually run out and to buy more he’ll have to get a job.

Another option is social care type work if he’s got a clean dbs. Someone I know did care for young adults with additional needs, it was more like a companion accompanying on days out not personal care. Training would usually be provided.
What were his hobbies when he was younger? Something like scouting would be good to volunteer at and give transferable skills.

If he can drive and is 21 supermarket delivery driver?
Bus driving - they are always advertising near us and they pay for training.
I think some yp get caught up thinking whatever they choose is for ever and are paralysed by so much choice. Instead maybe look at it a bit like a gap year. Try something, if he hates it try something else.
He’s young and nocturnal so could potentially work nights. McDonald’s nights pay very well. My dc liked working there as lots of young staff. It’s store dependent but she found they put you in roles according to your skills - she did drive thru as she was good speaking to customers but some lads preferred just to be in kitchen.

To be fair my option of him has changed throughout this thread.

He attends the jobcentre, makes lots of job applications and has learnt to drive so not totally feckless and likely lost confidence through being rejected so many times. Does chores and says he stops gaming at midnight.

It's a different world out there and even with considerable experience jobs I would have previously walked into or got an interview for I'm getting straight knockbacks.

I agree with others about volunteering. Good job skills, experience and something for the CV.

Also try agency work, petrol stations, factories.

Stick to your boundaries with not infantalising him and making sure he keeps doing his chores, but I wouldn't take away his only social life in gaming.

Petrol station is another good shout, I often see night shifts advertised at our local one.
Cleaning? I had a quick look on out council website and they had numerous cleaning jobs inc police stations. Can’t see that type of job being inundated with applicants especially as it needed criminal record check and was anti social hours.
I think anything to boost confidence would be a huge help then in a few months can think about applying for career type roles.

I thought it was only my DD but talking to other friends it seems like a lot of kids these days need a fair push. I don’t know if it was Covid or being able to just exist online, but it’s definitely a challenge I didn’t see when I was young - we were all itching to go to uni and get away from home!!

DD also dragged her heels, talked me into a gap year (I’m a single parent so there’s more pressure on me financially), begrudgingly applied for uni because I said either uni or working FT. It was very stressful and took a lot of back and forth until she caved in.

She’s doing uni online and working PT (very PT, like 12h). I’m not thrilled but at least she’s doing it. I just want her to at least have some accreditation regardless of what she ends up doing.

I’m worried for the next steps but I’ll address it when she’s graduated.

@PanicPanicc It’s frustrating, isn’t it. As I said upthread, what annoys me is the expectation that middle-aged parents will work FT to financially support young adults who only work and/or study PT.

One of mine had just finished college (no interest in either of rhe courses they studied, no idea what they wanted to do, also had only gained a few, low grade GCSEs) and had turned 19 just before covid. We managed to persuade them to volunteer in a charity shop and at my place of work (with children). That gave them referees and some work experience. Then things shut down after a few months but by the following Autumn, they got a job in a pharmacy (hated it) and later in a couple of pubs. They still don't work full time hours, which is frustrating, but have two jobs in sales / hospitality. They have grown in maturity and confidence in the last few years, though we still need to push them. They were diagnosed ADHD as a child and also have some ASD traits - never pursued a diagnosis for those and won't now consider getting counselling etc. But it is progress, however slow. Social skills have also improved and they do have friends online and in real life. They live with us but do their own thing, sort their own meals etc, and look after the house / pets when we go on holiday. Some young people just need more support.

Maybe get some hard statistics. It’s really really tough in the job market at the moment. Some statistics may help him feel better about all the rejections.

And yes time to think about a long term position later. At the moment he has to get anything and volunteering will get him some experience on his cv.

Agency work, 100 percent. My ds is 19, still looking for an apprenticeship that will let him complete level 3 plumbing,but they are like hens teeth. In the meantime, since last July he has worked in catering, agriculture, and the post office and has often been asked to go back by firms. It's done wonders for his confidence, pay in agencies is often pretty good, and he's got good references now. We live very rurally so he's had to be prepared to drive and get up early, like 4am, for some jobs.

He's got his own money,pays the car insurance and feels better now he's working. Get him on the books of several agencies, and get him to have a go at anything. As much as anything, it helps them learn what they don't want to do!

I sympathise OP it’s really tough. My DS is nearly 20 and applying for jobs & apprenticeships but the lack of urgency or motivation is so frustrating. I think he’s applied for about 4 jobs in the last 3 months - I keep telling him he needs to be looking at that per day not per quarter. It’s tough out there and when they don’t have experience or a degree it’s even harder but there’s just no signs of real interest or desire. I’ve suggested networking events, courses he can do in his spare time to enhance his CV, volunteering, temping - you name it anything to get some relevant experience and keep him busy! Mine does at least have a PT job in a restaurant but it’s only 3 short days a week. We now charge him rent which started with him flouncing and saying he would just move out until he looked at rental prices . It is putting a strain on our relationship but I’ve had to take a step back and stop nagging now he’s at least working and paying his way.

Late to this thread but have sympathy for your son. I was similar at that age (have improved since). Young men have fragile confidence and he is stuck in a loop of try something, fail / get rejected, lose confidence. The gaming is displacement activity. The challenge is that sensible advice that would be welcomed from a peer may not be so well received when delivered by a parent. And if you don't get it sorted soon, years may pass.

Imagine you are the chief of staff to a dictator of a small country. You want them to adopt your ideas but believing they have come up with them. To gently boost their confidence but not in a such way that their ego is immediately smashed on contact with reality.

A job is the best place to start, but online applications worsen the cycle (due to high chance of rejection) and some roles may not fit delusions of grandeur, speaking from my own memories of that age.

How about recommending jobs that are consistent with the delusions (e.g. job at gym/leisure centre, you could get free workouts and meet girls; job in IT support, everyone ends up making loads-of-money in IT; job in a car dealership, you'd end up with a sick company car) -- but most of all instead of applying for advertised adverts online, encourage to find companies that are likely to hire junior roles in future and express interest directly by phone, email or in person, realising it may be a few months until they have a role available.

Good luck either way !

Thank you very much for this insight. There is definitely something going on here about delusions of grandeur. Ive started sowing seeds, ratger than nagging, so that if/ when he does choose to do things, it feels more like his thinking than mine. He is, I hope, starting work in a charity shop soon, which he would not have contemplated before, but sees it's a stepping stone. I've also said what you suggested, writing speculative applications to some small companies around here. Fingers crossed. And thanks again.