In a pickle with young adult son

[Walksformiles]

Help. Am losing the plot.
DS is 21, living with me and his dad. Only child growing up as 3 half-siblings live abroad. Lots of friends as a child. After Covid became more reclusive, like many I think. Had a rotten Sixth form. Took a year out to do extra study, at home. I helped a LOT. Got into Uni. Hated it. I think he didn’t do any work. Didn’t want to go back after first year ( but he failed it anyway). Now half-heartedly looking for jobs and apprenticeships with me pushing ( I know I should probably back off). But he's not getting through assessments or interviews. Won’t do any prep for them. Doesn’t know what he wants to do ( I get that). Games every night with friends from school who are at Uni. I’m ok with that, as right now it’s his only social life. Won’t go out to see friends when they are home as there are a couple he doesn’t like in the group. Walks the dog a bit. Cooks for us a bit. And that’s it. Nothing else. I worry about him finding friendships, love, a job. He's lovely, funny, bright. But also often sullen and uncommunicative and can be unkempt. I think he may be depressed or have another MH matter but realise I might be looking for a ‘reason’ for all this. He won’t even consider that’s a possibility. I vary between being distraught – crying me eyes out on dog walk, and furious. We live in a small rural area with not many opportunities going.
I had a full on epic meltdown last night of sweary shouting - which scared DH and DS and surprised even myself.
Anybody have similar experience with light at the end of the tunnel?

😍

He has to do something, if he is depressed he has to get help, if not he needs to get a job or volunteer. Not helping himself is a massive issue as at the moment life is too easy, easy not to work or take steps to feel better. I agree that a strong conversation is needed to get him motivated in whatever but he needs the take steps to change his life. You need to put boundaries in place, they can be long or short term but ones you stick to.

Talk to him in the NY firmly but kindly,

Tell him you love him too much to let him fritter away his life like this. Tell him you were hoping he would take more initiative and you were hoping he would make more progress and you have given him time and space to do this but now it’s time that you as parents, with his best interests at heart, need to step in.

It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know what he wants to do, but he is not going to find it sitting in his bedroom. Unless he wants a job in gaming of course. He needs to be out there trying things and exploring! This is literally what your twenties is for and it passes quickly.

Therefore give him a deadline by which he needs to be either in education, apprenticeship, volunteering combined with part time work, or ft work.

He may be avoiding discomfort by staying at home like this but it’s only through being out of one’s comfort zone that you learn and progress. Even doing a job you hate gives you people skills, regular habits, money, and a steer as to the direction you don’t want to go in!

I’m afraid I would also consider turning the Wi-fi off at night. He can’t be up and out searching for work on no sleep. And if he can’t self-regulate in the way expected of an adult then you need to treat him as you would a child unfortunately.

My youngest struggled, didn't want to go to uni originally or socialise much outside specific interests, he even took himself off to a support group for social anxiety, thinking he had a problem as didn't like night clubs and the things his schoolfriends liked. He started by volunteering in an Oxfam bookshop ( loves books), he did sign on at my request to get his NI credits and he did go on a 6 month paid training placement organised by the job centre so I wouldn't resist him applying for benefits if he hasn't already as that definitely helped.
Eventually he sorted himself out and chose to go to uni doing a course that he knew there were jobs in (possibly 24 by then🤔). Really didn't do him any harm being older as he made more sensible more considered choices. He definitely wouldn't have chosen the course he did at 18. I personally would not cut off his WiFi, they do a lot of socialising on line and think it could exacerbate feelings of loneliness or depression.

I think there are a lot of kids hidden away like this. Not helped by the job market currently being dire. The government is meant to be putting a lot more funding into getting kids like this into work before it becomes a real crisis as there are so many of them. Is he signing onto Universal credit - if not that may be a way of getting him some extra help through his work coach.

I’d use your outburst to have a frank conversation. Say you can’t carry on like this.
I can see how you’ve fallen in trap eg gaming is his socialising so you don’t want to cut off but I think it needs tough love. You enabling him isn’t helping long term.
I’d offer to go to gp with him if he thinks would be a route he’d like.
Say if he’s not you expect him to volunteer it’s not good for a young adult not to be doing something.
Would he consider an outdoor job eg dog walking, gardening.
You mention half siblings abroad. Would going overseas to them or a scheme like camp America or camp Canada help?

Very well done to your son Mossstitch!

It’s brilliant that he has found his path!

Young adults don’t all mature at the same time and some need a few extra years to find their feet! Some get a lot more out of university when they go a few years later!

On reflection, I agree about what you are saying about the Wi-fi and its importance for socialising and well, everything really. Perhaps not a good idea to turn it off but op’s son has to learn to rise at a reasonable hour too!

Even if you can afford to keep him I don’t think it’s good for him to do that. I’d want him to be claiming jobseekers and then he will be able to access schemes etc. It’d very infantilising to have mum buying your toiletries, underwear and wouldn’t all be your nagging him to apply he’d have to show advisor what he was applying for.

It's the MN universal panacea for everything, and forgets that some of us work from home. And offspring can use data anyway.

What he needs is to do some skills-based courses - eg a course on AI or data analysis on Futurelearn or Coursera, that sort of thing. And get out volunteering as a pp said.

I think this is much more common than we think out there amongst young men. It’s quite sad really. You only get one life and should live it to full

I have no answers but a similar issue. Not helped by there being no available work and voluntary work is also hard to get! Retail especially- charity shops etc. so not working has become normalised.

I don’t think turning off WiFi overnight is unreasonable. If he was being picked up at 7am to work on a building site or a 6-2 shift in a warehouse he wouldn’t be up all night.
My friend’s son dropped out of uni. He was very academic but burnt out. He started helping a gardener and now has a gardening job with a housing association which he enjoys. My dog walker had a young lad in his early 20s working for them, physical job in fresh air. She dealt with customers and payments. It doesn’t have to be a forever job just something to get him out of house.

Is there anything at your local council they sometimes have schemes for yp out of work or training.
You mention he can cook any interest in that eg pub kitchen, school or care home kitchen work. Going for competitive schemes and getting knocked back is hard for self esteem. Some jobs are less desirable but would give him experience and a boost.

Thank you for some very kind, thoughtful and also tough love replies.
I meant to say, but it was already a long post, that DS is signed up for UC. Mainly so that he has a work coach and I hoped they'd be keen to help him get a job. So far according to him, they are saying to just keep trying. He isn't getting any money.
He doesn't game all night. We ask him to stop at 12, although don't know if he always does. Was considering turning off at 12 although he says that's infantilising ( which I'm doing already, in shovelfuls as most of you have noticed).
Also, he is doing free courses online, to improve/ acquire some other skills. So not a total layabout bum, but yes, he has got to get out and do summat.

My nephew is much like this. He has a retail job with two shifts a week. Can’t get another job. I think his appearance would put people off if he did get to interview. He wants to live rent free and game all night. He does apply for jobs but doesn’t get them. He won’t apply for anything outside his area. I suspect he is autistic or has PTSD from a difficult childhood. Either way, he’s depressed. But also has a very unrealistic view of how the world works.

If he were mine I think I’d try and get him to see a counsellor. Then insist he applied for benefits, the reason being the job club type courses were really good for getting my dd into work. There was also a pressure there to keep applying. I think dd also felt she wasn’t alone as she interacted with other young people on the online courses they insisted she did. It helped her to target her aims and develop a more realistic attitude.

Sorry, crossed post with your last one. I see he is already doing job club.

Agree with the tough love approach.

I was told I had to get a part time job at 16 to fund any socialising I wanted to do at sixth form and then at 18, when I opted out of university, that I had to get a full time job because my mum said she wasn’t having someone bumming about at home. She also would no longer pay for my phone contract, holidays, and if I wanted to learn to drive and get a car I needed to do it myself. So I did. And lo and behold it’s served me well as, with the exception of one redundancy which saw me out of work for a month in my 20s, I’ve been employed consistently for 14 years.

I had peers who’s parents didn’t take this approach, continued to give them money for nights out, pay for their cars, take them on holiday abroad every year, and they are still work shy now at 30 years old.

Agree with the restrictions on the WiFi as re his comment Was considering turning off at 12 although he says that's infantilising
how would he know you’re turning it off unless he’s using it in the wee hours!

Yep, mine. Finished uni but struggled in last year and became down on himself. Told him he had to get a job or sign up for UC as I do not have the income to fund him living at home without him contributing. He was applying for loads but getting nowhere so it wasn't him not trying entirely. Three weeks on UC and they'd got him an agency job in a warehouse, zero hours contract but he's working full time now and that has hugely improved his mental health.

Do you have a good friend or relative in a town or city ... here or abroad ... that he could lodge with for a year, on condition that he gets a job and keeps regular hours?

Yes, thank you. ☺️ But I do wonder if, as he isn't yet getting any money, there's less incentive to get him into work. Anyway, that makes me sound like it's their problem, not his.

He can't have his cake and eat it. Either he's a grown man and needs to work harder to find a job to fund himself and have a say in whatever home he is living in. Or he's acting like a youngster that needs more hands on management than an adult eg wifi times, limit on pocket money so more time spent practicing for interviews etc

Has he done driving lessons yet?

Is that because of savings?

I think it is because he was technically still a student when he applied. Has updated his circumstances since.