OP I could have written your post word for word. DS 21 is part way through his second yr at uni and has a massive wobble. There is a little more background, at the start of 6th form I was diagnosed with breast cancer then 6mnths later DH had a stroke. DS just didn’t really engage at 6th form but in the end he sprung into action six weeks before A levels and managed 3Bs. He is very bright but this is a a bit of a curse because he has realised that he can get by without any effort. Prior to Covid he was a straight A student who never struggled.
He’s going to fail his second year. He had zero attendance in the first term. Did no work and handed in no assignments. He has always seemed grounded and “solid” but after all the stress around DH’s and my health, we were hit by my younger sisters death during DS’s first year. It was fairly sudden, 2minths from diagnosis to funeral, and although DS seemed to cope I think the accumulation of shit has hit him hard.
I went into catastrophe management when I rang him to have a go at him not attending lectures. He broke down in tears and said that he just didn’t want to be here. I know that phrase well and it wasn’t in reference to dropping out or coming home for a weekend.
His uni have a fantastic wellbeing department ( more correctly a mental health and suicide prevention unit). DS is always very vague about why he’s not feeling it. He doesn’t like fuss or sympathy but I was able to fully timeline what he has been through ( it also includes his grandfathers death and major surgery to fix his shoulder in addition to everything else). They contacted him within a couple of hours and he had a chat. He wants to work through it himself and has been in touch with his tutor to discuss a plan. He doesn’t want to drop out but is happy to retake a year.
I have lost it with him on a number of occasions but his admission of not wanting to be here struck a note because that’s how I’ve felt on occasions over the last 12 months. I was close to my sister and her death although dignified was far from easy. Being retired I have had far too much time to think about it all. When we lost our parents life was very busy so I had to put on a happy face and carry on. I found it much harder to do that with DSis.
I think the nature of Dsis’s death has also been a factor. She had breast cancer at 34, then went 22yrs fairly healthy, then developed another type of cancer that killed her rapidly. I know that DS will have considered all this and is outwardly ok but bricking it on the inside. We have talked but he doesn’t want me worrying.
Add to all of this our stupid labradors recent slipped disc. Again not a clear cut diagnosis so there was a difficult period where it was possibly due to a tumour. I suspect losing the dog would have a much bigger impact than losing his aunt. She is his little shadow.
I have backed off but have encouraged him to start exercising. He’s always happier when he’s doing sport. He goes back to uni in a couple of weeks and has said that he wants to continue. He has a plan to start going to the gym to help with his mental health. And he will hopefully work with his tutor on a plan to sort out his course. Because there is a lot of practical to his course that he has missed he knows he will have to retake the year. Hopefully they will accept his situation and allow him to retake it.
Like your DS he was directionless after A levels but in a position to apply to uni courses that he wanted or was interested in.
A lot of his friends have struggled, low key , but have no idea what they want to do. There are a lot with anxiety and stress based conditions. They were the year that had their GCSEs cancelled and then the grade boundaries were adjusted back to normal fairly late in the day. Cancelling external exams had never happened before and for many the uncertainty during Alevrls ( many feared they would also be cancelled at the last minute) their experience of education is different. Also the years above them didn’t have their GCSEs cancelled same uni experience as students in the past. Online study has become the norm and face to face interactions not always needed. The social life was limited so the passing on of student life has changed. It is much more normal but for quiet teenagers it’s very difficult say for them to be present but not present. Often spending a lot of time in their rooms and not integrating.
DS is at uni with quite a lot of his friends from home so has not really needed to make new friends. He has but is not as dependent on them as many are. Uni is a bit home from home and I suspect this has been a bit of a handicap for all of them.
But the years above them were in the same position because of lockdowns and lack of socialisation. My DN started uni in 2020, she didn’t see the inside of a nightclub until she was at the end of her 2nd year. Then had a year in industry. When she returned to uni things were better but not being able to mix with lots of people n the first two years meant she had to start again.
It’s quite worrying that they estimate over 45% of the current student body have or have had mental health issues. I have no idea how to deal with DS, I want to support him emotionally but I don’t want him making excuses. His meltdown before Christmas suggests that he is struggling but he’s also a clever young adult who is pulling the wool over my eyes. One thing that is different is that he has become reluctant to go out. Not all the time but it’s not normal. He has admitted that he finds it difficult leaving his flat. He has been going out with his friends but he often needs encouragement both at home and at uni. In his first year he was never in.
I am hoping that after a bit of time reflecting and talking with us he will be able to move on. Our bereavement as a family is a shared experience so he has chatted about how triggering the autumn term was in terms of what happened in his first year.
Sorry I have rambled on OP. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Not all young adults are struggling but more are struggling at the moment than normal. Not necessarily because of covid but of the uncertainty they experienced in education at a particularly key point in their development. I don’t think we can blame the system since it was an unprecedented time. No one could have known how it would impact on young adults, most would assume that 6 months off school would be a dream come true but isolation from friends at the same time has caused problems.