My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

Presumably things like their children following the example they set, or leaving their estate to the local cat home or something.

Something like this happened to me with a family member. They were having issues with their partner that they couldn't face and they projected everything on me (I didn't fully understand this at the time however). I was accused of all sorts yet they couldn't provide me with a single example of what I had done wrong. I thought I was going mad and really spiralled into a depression. When they finally parted with their partner everything returned to normal, they restored contact with me and started saying what a wonderful, kind relative I have always been to them. When they went NC I am sure that others would have thought there must be something to their claims - even I started to wonder, but there really wasn't. I would say that it was the most stressful and painful experience of my life because I thought I was really close to this relative.

Op, if your experience is anything like mine there is nothing you can do. It's a waiting game. However if she is in touch with your DH perhaps he can talk to her and find out more about what she might mean or be going through.

Snap. I’d been groomed to be totally enmeshed and my mums surrogate spouse. So we looked terrifically close, reality was I was made to feel responsible for her happiness so of course we were always doing stuff together, I was trying to make her happy. When you are told as a very small child “I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for you” it’s quite hard to be your own person.

Most parents, if asked to go on their child’s honeymoon would not think oh how close we are they’d think what the hell have I done wrong that this is even being mooted, it’s so at odds with what should be happening.

Where has the OP gone? She has taken the time to come back this morning and post one very brief clarification on dates and not answered any of the very valid questions which people have posted?

That's a terrible thing your mother said to you.

I agree it is odd for anyone, other than the couple, to go on the honeymoon.

This exactly. Bossy/ controlling/ disapproving mums are as old as the human race and in some cultures the norm. As you grow and mature you start to take control and put in place some boundaries. Once you leave home it becomes a lot easier to share less and ignore unsolicited advice. Or you have a breakdown and cut all contact forever.

I am low contact with my mother. If I am anything like my mother, if I treat my child in any way like I was treated or if my child brings things up and I don’t listen (however trivial I think k they may be) then damn right I’d expect her to distance herself.

First I made a mistake it was August 2024 when she stopped all comunication. She has never explained to me or my husband what these anxieties are. As far as I was concerned the anxieties were all hers - about her job, her cat, her friends, her husband. Sometimes I got fed up with the endless moans but I concealed it. She always rang me, I never rang her and she only phoned her father if I asked her to. I texted her this August, a year after she stopped and again she just replied I needed to "address" my "anxieties". It is completely baffling.

But some of us don’t set boundaries as we grow because we’ve been taught not to or punished for doing that or trying. We don’t know what boundaries are .

I picked up on this too. You spend money on your kids, it’s what you do. One day it will all be theirs anyway.
The other thing that stood out to me was the daughter mentioning OPs anxieties, and yet neither OP nor her husband could possibly think what these “anxieties” are. I call bullshit on that one. People with anxiety and stresses generally know they are often anxious and stressed, but a lot refuse to believe it actually does affect others around them too.

This. DH and I are on the receiving end of this shizz from his kids from his first marriage. I thought they were lovely people and they had such a lovely bond. All down the shitter now as a result of some weird advice that in no way applied to their particular situation.

It's been years now and we have decided that if they are thick enough to listen to a crock of wank like that, good luck to them. It's not just us that have been treated badly by them so we know it's them and not us.

And when you asked what these anxieties are what did she say?

There are many “therapists” and counsellors out there who are not well trained and have biases. I agree that a well trained psychotherapist would not issue advice but that’s not who some people are seeing. I worked in NHS mental health services and there was a lot of variation in the quality of therapy and some therapists did have a bias.

Don’t dispute the anxiety is text your daughter and say that you would like to explore these anxieties with her with a counsellor.

Of course you can give advice - otherwise no one would ever post anything.

We can ONLY retell events from our POV, and of course that will be biased in our favour.

You see that when posters do the "I wont say at first if I am A or B in this scenario", write a whole story being 'unbiased', and 99% of people say "You are A aren't you" and are correct.

As far as I was concerned the anxieties were all hers

I got fed up with the endless moans

She always rang me, I never rang her

I texted her this August, a year after she stopped

You never rang her. Never rang her.

You say that with your own words. Did you expect her to fulfil the role of daughter without thinking of how one sided the communication was? Did she feel that she had to meet your expectations and put all the effort in whilst you did nothing back?
Relationships are two way things. This sounds very one sided. I’m not surprised she’s had enough.

Basically she doesnt want to address her own behaviour, so shes made you the villian in her story.

You keep saying that your DD has told you to "address your anxieties", but you don't say whether you've asked her what she means by that.
What anxieties is she referring to? If you haven't asked your DD this question, then you need to start an open-minded dialogue with her about the anxieties she's referring to.

I'd want to know who the therapist was and sue them for destroying your family.

I worked for a nutcase who told us all about how her therapist had given her the strength to cut her mother out of her life. The therapist was a big fan of Gabor Maté - the celebrity therapist who uses psychedelics and blames all your health ills, from anxiety to cancer on your parents. Prince Harry was one of his patients, which probably explains a lot. As far as I could work out, the therapy made our boss even more narcissistic than she had been previously. She became impossible to work for and saw massive and detrimental staff departures.

So what was the conversation when your daughter spoke about your anxieties? Did you ask any questions at all? Show curiosity? Did you try to understand her point of view?

Why did you never ring her? Why was she soley responsible for instigating communication?

You say that you're hurt by her not being in contract now. Do you accept that if you want a relationship with her in the future, you will need to do some self reflection and accept blame and responsibility where it's appropriate? In your posts you're 'baffled' about what the issue is. But it doesn't seem like you've done very much to fight for your previous apparently good relationship. If my DD behaved like yours, I'd be terrified for her wellbeing. I'd work with her in whatever way to understand why she'd consider cutting contact with me. I'd certainly look at myself to address any truth in her words. I wouldn't just be baffled and not try. Why aren't you trying?

Thanks to the people who were kind in their replies. I have asked my hubsnad several times whether he's been in contact or what he thinks my anxieties are. He hasn't had contact from her other than what he told me about. I have to believe him. He has messaged her on Whatsapp but has never had the two blue ticks. He thinks it's all about DD's anxieties. I have never shared with her any health problems I have or anything I have ever been worried about. I always knew from the first word she spoke on a phone call whether it would be a happy call or an unhappy one. I had been on good terms with her all her life (I thought) When she texted about the first appointment with the therapist she said she'd ring after but didn't. (I didn't text her but waited) The next day she texted to say as a result of the appointment she had a lot going round in her head, Then she said she had spent the whole session talking about ME! So that's when it happened I suppose. When she first said she had to set boundaries I texted her husband and he said he thought it was boundaries for everyone not just me. She had previous to this by several years broken off contact with her brother because he was not supportive enough when she was depressed even though at that time he had suffered a severe broken leg in a skiing accident and had undergone a huge operation. He phones me/us at lunchtime most days. I have asked him about "my anxieties" and he says he doesn't understand at all.
So I don't have to worry about my DD's problems any more, just about her!

I feel really sorry for you Op. I have a similar relationship with my adult DD. She is very low contact, and there is no apparent reason. I have a thread on here about it, and people just assume I did something wrong in her childhood, but I can tell you, I absolutely did not. I think young Mum's with little children find it hard to comprehend, that their kids might leave and then not keep in touch much. I too would have found that idea preposterous when mine were little. But here we are.

I'm finding the phrase 'good mother' or 'good parent' interesting. Where else would we still refer to the good wife, good girl, good boy, good son, good daughter? Parents are, as all people in all roles, complex creatures.

With all the best intentions in them world, loving and caring for their children, they will NEVER get it all right, meet all their offerings needs at all times. And then there is life and all the challenges it can bring. This could be bumps in a marriage as people can be imperfect and behave in difficult ways, money worries, work stresses, stress with wider family and add to that a range of disabilities physical or inter generational neuro divergence. It can be a bumpy ride.

Cutting your parents off can be warranted if they actually abused you or if they continue to be very controlling, lack health boundaries and are selfish, not listening, not actually seeing their children, giving them space to be who they are. But these children and adult children will have many flaws of their own. I wouldn't judge anyone who feel they have to limit contact to manage their own anxieties but ideally parents and adult children muddle along. Mine are still teens I hope they won't look back with horror on their well intended mum who must have got it wrong many times.

One example. Older teen has been stroppy and cold to us for a while, I'm hoping it's the usual developmental detachment process. Every time I speak to her, she berates me and tries to pick a fight. She is not very caring atm and not all that responsive to my efforts to engage. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly emotionally tuned in parent and was recently told that 'you never ever ask me how I am'. I was quite taken aback as I have always tried to chat about their day, listen and talk things through. I instantly felt quite defensive and did not feel like accepting this 😅. However, I forced myself to not focus too much on my perceived unfairness of her criticism and I'm making sure I give her more of my time and ask her more often how she is. I'm not sure I'd be still that mentally agile and emotionally resilient to self reflect and change my behaviour in 20 years time, so perhaps a degree of understanding and forgivingness on all sides is a good idea, especially when parents are growing older.

Excellent post 👏