Page 8 | My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

KJCP · 2025-11-03T17:37:10+00:00

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:02

KJCP · 04/11/2025 09:48

Thanks to the people who were kind in their replies. I have asked my hubsnad several times whether he's been in contact or what he thinks my anxieties are. He hasn't had contact from her other than what he told me about. I have to believe him. He has messaged her on Whatsapp but has never had the two blue ticks. He thinks it's all about DD's anxieties. I have never shared with her any health problems I have or anything I have ever been worried about. I always knew from the first word she spoke on a phone call whether it would be a happy call or an unhappy one. I had been on good terms with her all her life (I thought) When she texted about the first appointment with the therapist she said she'd ring after but didn't. (I didn't text her but waited) The next day she texted to say as a result of the appointment she had a lot going round in her head, Then she said she had spent the whole session talking about ME! So that's when it happened I suppose. When she first said she had to set boundaries I texted her husband and he said he thought it was boundaries for everyone not just me. She had previous to this by several years broken off contact with her brother because he was not supportive enough when she was depressed even though at that time he had suffered a severe broken leg in a skiing accident and had undergone a huge operation. He phones me/us at lunchtime most days. I have asked him about "my anxieties" and he says he doesn't understand at all.
So I don't have to worry about my DD's problems any more, just about her!

This is all irrelevant. Unless you examine your own behaviour you will get nowhere. Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself to help you through this?

MadameTwoSwords · 04/11/2025 10:02

funmatters · 04/11/2025 09:56

I'm finding the phrase 'good mother' or 'good parent' interesting. Where else would we still refer to the good wife, good girl, good boy, good son, good daughter? Parents are, as all people in all roles, complex creatures.

With all the best intentions in them world, loving and caring for their children, they will NEVER get it all right, meet all their offerings needs at all times. And then there is life and all the challenges it can bring. This could be bumps in a marriage as people can be imperfect and behave in difficult ways, money worries, work stresses, stress with wider family and add to that a range of disabilities physical or inter generational neuro divergence. It can be a bumpy ride.

Cutting your parents off can be warranted if they actually abused you or if they continue to be very controlling, lack health boundaries and are selfish, not listening, not actually seeing their children, giving them space to be who they are. But these children and adult children will have many flaws of their own. I wouldn't judge anyone who feel they have to limit contact to manage their own anxieties but ideally parents and adult children muddle along. Mine are still teens I hope they won't look back with horror on their well intended mum who must have got it wrong many times.

One example. Older teen has been stroppy and cold to us for a while, I'm hoping it's the usual developmental detachment process. Every time I speak to her, she berates me and tries to pick a fight. She is not very caring atm and not all that responsive to my efforts to engage. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly emotionally tuned in parent and was recently told that 'you never ever ask me how I am'. I was quite taken aback as I have always tried to chat about their day, listen and talk things through. I instantly felt quite defensive and did not feel like accepting this 😅. However, I forced myself to not focus too much on my perceived unfairness of her criticism and I'm making sure I give her more of my time and ask her more often how she is. I'm not sure I'd be still that mentally agile and emotionally resilient to self reflect and change my behaviour in 20 years time, so perhaps a degree of understanding and forgivingness on all sides is a good idea, especially when parents are growing older.

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Away with you and your nuanced response grounded in reality! Don't you know you have to be absolutely perfect as a mother one hundred percent of the time, otherwise you're a literal abuser and also a toxic narcissist?

Sunshinedayscomeon · 04/11/2025 10:03

There will be reasons and it would be a very difficult decision for you daughter to make.

At some point you need to take ownership and look at the reasons, rather than see if as your daughters problem.

I have thought about going NC with my own mum, as she is the most toxic, self centred human ever. She has hurt me more than anyone else. She continues to hurt me and is unaware of the hurt she has caused. She is unable to love.
But instead I give her chance after chance and each time I think we getting somewhere she goes and hurts me all over again. I've had this for over 50 years and wish sometimes I cut the ties decades ago. People need nourishment and love to grow.

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:06

Every person, especially a child, needs to feel emotionally safe, seen and heard. This is ALL that matters. And it is up to the parent to establish that. It is not the ice cream they did not get, or their early bed time or the pony that never arrived. It's not what money you spent. it's how you show up as a safe person and attune to them.

MadameTwoSwords · 04/11/2025 10:07

MsWilmottsGhost · 04/11/2025 08:46

Well that's a lovely attitude 🙄

I'm still in contact with my DM, but I have rather more understanding for those who do cut contact completely.

I considered going NC, but in the end went very low contact as a compromise as I wanted to stay in contact with other members of the family. I have regretted being even LC on many occasions.

Yes I am a parent myself, and I have been giving DM a chance to work on our relationship for over 50 years. I'm sure she moans to her friends about the "pain" of not seeing her daughter or grandchild, but the reality is that she only likes the idea of caring about us, and to be seen by others as caring about us, and does not actually give a flying fuck about us as actual human beings.

I know that to her friends and other parts of my family she says I am just a big meany for no reason. But she does know the reason (CSA) because I told her several times from a very young age.

She just doesn't like the reason, so she ignored it.

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Sorry I don't know how to reply without quoting you. I'm very sorry this happened to you and to be clear, I absolutely was not referring to people who cut contact in cases of actual abuse and neglect.

HectorPlasm · 04/11/2025 10:08

nomas · 04/11/2025 03:37

I suspect she’ll be in touch when she needs her next hand out or free holiday.

Ignore the twat and be prepared to change your will.

That made me laugh more than it should've done

Mollydoggerson · 04/11/2025 10:10

What's all this inviting on safari (at your expense)? Is that true, can you explain what happened?

I find that hard to believe.

Do both yourself and your daughter twist the narrative, so that you are the victim?

I find my mother s anxieties difficult to deal with. She lionizes men, their beliefs and accepts their opinions as fact. Do you do the same? Do you undermine your daughter in deference to men and the patriarchy. (That's the way my mum is, maybe I m projecting.) The patriarchy has done a number on all of us.

PineappleCoconut · 04/11/2025 10:13

my mother ripped of her dying brother of £100k not just £100 😳
Vile woman
caused a scene at his funeral too and claimed to be dying. Then ran away when I turned up to pay my respects to him.

Shambles123 · 04/11/2025 10:13

You talk to your adult son every lunchtime?! WTF

MNLurker1345 · 04/11/2025 10:15

saraclara · 03/11/2025 18:08

It's odd how you hardly ever hear "I'd like to hear your mother/MIL's side of the story" on Mumsnet.

@KJCP if your DH is still in contact with her, can he ask her to be entirely honest and give him some examples, as a pp suggested? Or a family member or mutual friend? It's the only way forward that I can see.

Edited

A reasonable suggestion, although I am that family member and have been there all the way through from my nieces childhood until her going NC with her mother, my DSis.

My niece and I were talking about her childhood yesterday and she said that her earliest memories were age 7/8. We looked further into why that may be and realised that she moved home a lot. They were nice homes but the constant moving was destabilising. That along with her DMs anxieties.

I have spoken to my DSis as a mediator for many years but she won’t have a word of it. It is everyone else’s fault. It’s my fault, other siblings fault, my nieces DFs fault, everyone but hers. Even though my niece has good relationships with the rest of the family.

When DC go NC, they should be allowed space and distance to heal and not necessarily efforts of other family members to try and meditate. Unless that is what they want! My niece has made it clear she wants nothing to do with her DM and I do see that over time she is healing.

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:17

MNLurker1345 · 04/11/2025 10:15

A reasonable suggestion, although I am that family member and have been there all the way through from my nieces childhood until her going NC with her mother, my DSis.

My niece and I were talking about her childhood yesterday and she said that her earliest memories were age 7/8. We looked further into why that may be and realised that she moved home a lot. They were nice homes but the constant moving was destabilising. That along with her DMs anxieties.

I have spoken to my DSis as a mediator for many years but she won’t have a word of it. It is everyone else’s fault. It’s my fault, other siblings fault, my nieces DFs fault, everyone but hers. Even though my niece has good relationships with the rest of the family.

When DC go NC, they should be allowed space and distance to heal and not necessarily efforts of other family members to try and meditate. Unless that is what they want! My niece has made it clear she wants nothing to do with her DM and I do see that over time she is healing.

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What an absolute gem you are for being there for your niece and not buy into the 'family narrative'.

PopeJoan2 · 04/11/2025 10:18

SilverPink · 04/11/2025 09:25

I picked up on this too. You spend money on your kids, it’s what you do. One day it will all be theirs anyway.
The other thing that stood out to me was the daughter mentioning OPs anxieties, and yet neither OP nor her husband could possibly think what these “anxieties” are. I call bullshit on that one. People with anxiety and stresses generally know they are often anxious and stressed, but a lot refuse to believe it actually does affect others around them too.

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You spend your money on middle aged “kids”? I am child free so what do I know? But I can’t imagine doing this. Do parents have financial responsibility for their offspring for their whole lives? Really?

PopeJoan2 · 04/11/2025 10:20

Trendyname · 04/11/2025 06:37

All this ranting is fine, but a decent parent would want fo figure out what was bothering them so much that they went NC with you.

Do you think your child has gone NC just for fun or because they have some serious personality defects to that they wanted to rewrite relationship history?

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But this daughter won’t allow a discussion. If you can’t sit down with someone and tell them what is going on, giving them examples and evidence of their behaviour the. There is a something amiss in my opinion.

Netcurtainnelly · 04/11/2025 10:20

Starlight7080 · 03/11/2025 17:40

Thats so sad. No advice really. Other then I hope one day she gets in touch and you can talk and try to sort everything.
It is scary how many people I know who have seen therapist and the advice has been to completely cut contact.

Agree, therapists are dangerous.

Best thing would have been daughter to have a chat with mum.

BloominNora · 04/11/2025 10:20

funmatters · 04/11/2025 09:56

I'm finding the phrase 'good mother' or 'good parent' interesting. Where else would we still refer to the good wife, good girl, good boy, good son, good daughter? Parents are, as all people in all roles, complex creatures.

With all the best intentions in them world, loving and caring for their children, they will NEVER get it all right, meet all their offerings needs at all times. And then there is life and all the challenges it can bring. This could be bumps in a marriage as people can be imperfect and behave in difficult ways, money worries, work stresses, stress with wider family and add to that a range of disabilities physical or inter generational neuro divergence. It can be a bumpy ride.

Cutting your parents off can be warranted if they actually abused you or if they continue to be very controlling, lack health boundaries and are selfish, not listening, not actually seeing their children, giving them space to be who they are. But these children and adult children will have many flaws of their own. I wouldn't judge anyone who feel they have to limit contact to manage their own anxieties but ideally parents and adult children muddle along. Mine are still teens I hope they won't look back with horror on their well intended mum who must have got it wrong many times.

One example. Older teen has been stroppy and cold to us for a while, I'm hoping it's the usual developmental detachment process. Every time I speak to her, she berates me and tries to pick a fight. She is not very caring atm and not all that responsive to my efforts to engage. I'd like to think that I'm a fairly emotionally tuned in parent and was recently told that 'you never ever ask me how I am'. I was quite taken aback as I have always tried to chat about their day, listen and talk things through. I instantly felt quite defensive and did not feel like accepting this 😅. However, I forced myself to not focus too much on my perceived unfairness of her criticism and I'm making sure I give her more of my time and ask her more often how she is. I'm not sure I'd be still that mentally agile and emotionally resilient to self reflect and change my behaviour in 20 years time, so perhaps a degree of understanding and forgivingness on all sides is a good idea, especially when parents are growing older.

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I could have written the last paragraph of your post @funmatters .

Sometimes feels like my eldest DD absolutely hates me. I have late diagnosed ADHD and we are fairly sure she has autism and maybe AuDHD / OCD, so we can sometimes clash.

I am constantly being told that we never did anything as a family, that we didn't notice her depression in senior school and that we don't understand her - none of which is true from our perspective.

It all came to a bit of head the other day and I had a real heart to heart with her and told her outright that some of what she says to me is really hurtful (it was a comment about the reason she isn't at home much lately is because she finds being here really stressful - just because we put all of the stuff she leaves lying around the house in her room).

We talked a lot about how we have different perceptions and memories about what happened through her high school years, but acknowledged that we can't change the past and agreed to try and move forward in a more positive way. Touch wood, it seems to have worked for now and we are getting on a lot better 🙏

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:22

PopeJoan2 · 04/11/2025 10:20

But this daughter won’t allow a discussion. If you can’t sit down with someone and tell them what is going on, giving them examples and evidence of their behaviour the. There is a something amiss in my opinion.

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Usually that is the case either because the adult child has tried to say it a million times and was dismissed or it is not safe for them to be more specific because of the parent's reaction. This is almost always on the parent.

I really doubt this mother is interested in hearing 'evidence'. It sounds like they were totally enmeshed.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2025 10:25

PreciousTatas · 04/11/2025 06:40

There are so many dodgy therapists out there, the good ones are few.

Most just want to keep being paid so lead clients down the garden path, encouraging them to mull over and marinade in completely mundane life events/conversations.

Very few average people need therapy, it's been a successful con for those who couldn't make a living elsewhere.

Yes, I agree with this.

It is a money making scam for some of them.

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:26

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2025 10:25

Yes, I agree with this.

It is a money making scam for some of them.

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Presumably you both speak from experience?

SilverPink · 04/11/2025 10:27

PopeJoan2 · 04/11/2025 10:18

You spend your money on middle aged “kids”? I am child free so what do I know? But I can’t imagine doing this. Do parents have financial responsibility for their offspring for their whole lives? Really?

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No, we don’t have to, but some choose to. My parents chose to pay a good amount towards our wedding. My husband’s parents chose to pay for our honeymoon (which is exactly what OP has stated here, except they also went on said honeymoon). Some parents give their adult kids large sums of money for a house deposit, or buy larger items for the house or grandchildren. Obviously parents will only do this if they can afford to and it doesn’t break the bank, but it’s certainly not an unusual thing.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2025 10:28

Twatalert · 04/11/2025 10:26

Presumably you both speak from experience?

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Well, it's obvious. If you are a bad therapist, you need to keep the sessions going so what else are you going to do except make things up?

Rubinia · 04/11/2025 10:33

I agree with the PP that it might be worth exploring this in therapy yourself. You're struggling with this and a therapist may be able to help you find a way to deal with the hurt you are feeling. Give your daughter space. I wonder if she just wants to separate a bit more and this is the only way she felt able to do it? Attending therapy will also allow you to open up conversation with your daughter. I think it’s a small price to pay and can’t see the downside (I guess there’s a financial cost but you haven’t said this is an issue). Maybe once you’ve had a few sessions you could suggest family therapy?

I am a bit puzzled by some of what you say. For instance, can you explain a bit more about the honeymoon and why you were asked to attend? paying for your child to go on honeymoon isn’t unusual. I’ve not heard of someone attending their child’s honeymoon though. Why was that requested? Does your daughter have caring needs that her husband couldn’t fulfill on his own or were you doing childcare?

Travelfairy · 04/11/2025 10:34

Sometimes i think therapists do more harm than good. I went to overcome a phobia i had....he got on to topic of my mother and like that was saying she was too involved and I needed to 'set boundaries'. I sort of half agreed but on reflection I have a great Mum who helps me out and I help her hugely too.

I hear so much advice from therapists and people in general to cut people out of their lives for seemingly very trivial things.

I hope it all works out OP. I'm sure it will in time x

pikkumyy77 · 04/11/2025 10:36

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/11/2025 07:20

I am also amazed on threads like this, always a strong support for the daughter who must have a dreadful parent.

Yet these people are parents, but don't see that they could be doing anything wrong with their children. Mums especially seem to be held to a higher account, when they are just flawed humans like everyone else.

Adults have the right to choose who they share intimacy with, who they want to spend time with. That should certainly be supported. I don’t see why that is even a question. The daughter in this story withdrew from her parents life when she no linger felt comfortable there. She didn’t attack her parents, extort money from them, or harass them. What is wrong with that?

SandyLanes · 04/11/2025 10:37

Starlight7080 · 03/11/2025 17:40

Thats so sad. No advice really. Other then I hope one day she gets in touch and you can talk and try to sort everything.
It is scary how many people I know who have seen therapist and the advice has been to completely cut contact.

I’ve found this too.

Cheeseplease19 · 04/11/2025 10:39

Iloveagoodnap · 03/11/2025 18:20

I have known an adult who started therapy and then started blaming her mother and her childhood for any and all problems she had as an adult. She used to have a therapy session then call her sister to complain about their childhood - only the sister kept telling her she was massively changing their shared history and things she was bringing up in therapy either didn’t happen or happened in a totally different way than she was remembering. The therapist seemed to be encouraging her to be blaming her mother for everything she deemed wrong in her life. I’m not saying this is what’s happening here but I think certain people can be easily persuaded to blame others for all their problems.

Totally agree ! I had a cousin who spent his adult life blaming everyone from his family for his own poor life choices.