My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

True, the misunderstanding over bonfire night isn't make or break. It's a neat example, though.

Going back to your first paragraph, it sometimes bears repeating that children - by definition - do not have a mature understanding of adult issues. They don't even have comparators because their parents are the only ones they've had. Until somewhere around puberty, parents have an almost god-like status to their children. The parents feed, house and educate them, literally hold the power of life and death.

If a parent, for reasons of their own, is driven to strictly control a child's diet, say, or reacts to arguments by silent withdrawal (or any number of other behavioural glitches), the child will be affected and will have issues in adult life resulting from their childhood dependence on a maladjusted parent. It doesn't matter whether they understand what drove the parental behaviour - children can't really understand and cannot help them, and by adulthood the damage is already done.

But understanding it as an adult can help. It's true that everyone parents the best they know how: it's just that many parents are running on wonky programming by their own parents. Understanding it can help an adult to reprogram themselves, difficult as this always is. But it won't help to repair the relationship if the parent refuses to accept that their program is wonky! They'll just keep outputting the wrong messages on repeat, as they always have. For the adult child striving to rebuild themselves as a better-functioning human, this can be intolerable. A parent's words still cut deep, and what do you do with a mother who keeps calling you fat, for instance?

I ended up taking the piss out of my mum - gently but with determination. It took twenty whole years. I honestly wouldn't blame anyone for deciding not to bother with her unless she cut out the weight comments. This can be extrapolated to any parental dysfunction, of course.

Oh, and she did apologise eventually. It was a slog. She's still diet-obsessed, but doesn't pass comment on mine.

To some extent, we all run on wonky programs. I think it was around the age of 30 that I was able to repair mine, and a big part of that was training I undertook and what I learned through that. My parents still have all the same issues they had back then. With maturity and understanding, I'm much more forgiving of them these days.

The mother who keeps commenting on weight, as the example you gave, really hit home for me. My mother always has to find a way to take small digs in that regard. She's still diet obsessed in her 70s. Come to think of it, she's never apologised for anything at all. I do think weight comments can justify a cut off as they can be so damaging. That's not something I'd do for me, I can manage it, but for my children. I can manage her and yes, she gets upset if I call her out on something, but she knows I'm right and I've learned that I am not responsible for her feelings about the matter.

That doesn't mean I am always right though and I'm also willing to hear her side of an issue. Sometimes there are circumstances that drove things that I didn't understand as a child. I knew how I felt but that doesn't mean it was avoidable or unfair. It could be I still don't like some things to this day. Sometimes they genuinely were wrong, other times it's just not liking a parental decision they had every right to make.

It's really individual whether one should walk away from any relationship and I would never make a blanket assumption that one party or the other is fully responsible for a situation in most cases. Of course there are the black and white ones, but they are more unusual.

@soreshoulders I think you are still basing your reasoning in your last post on situations that happened. I had my parents leave from my life because they simply are emptionally immature and my mother very likely has a personality disorder. I spent my life being ignored, isolated, dismissed, shamed and simply scapegoated. This happens to a lot of people and a lot of people do not know it is happening to them. I can see how my parents became like that and I have compassion for the children they were, but there is no point trying to talk through anything with such parents or discuss any parenting decision. I actually think adult children aren't really looking to discuss parenting decisions. They want accountability in the relationship TODAY and a change in behaviour.

If my parents went to therapy and sorted out their mess, which will not happen, I would consider a relationship. But they are too disordered to even go there.

I think it is true that some might go NC because of primarily 'visible' abuse, which is usually physical, easier to spot and perhaps easier to get away from.

Let me also tell you this: it was the parent's responsibility to build and nuture the relationship with the child. To model how to regulate, have disagreements, respect one another, be accountable and so on. The parent also always holds more power. I think you might want to consider more training if you still think about 'which party is at fault'.

adult children aren't really looking to discuss parenting decisions. They want accountability in the relationship TODAY

Yes, this, all day long!

And that's fair but not always actually right on the part of the adult child either.

When you have someone presenting who spins a very convincing tale about how horrible their parents are, then you dig deeper and they have difficulties in all relationships - siblings, partner's family, friends, co-workers, random people in the community. Makes you wonder. I mean, what's the common factor there? So you dig deeper and find out their parents set a couple of very reasonable boundaries and their want came from outside influences that weren't very wholesome. It's really not always the parents.

I would very much suspect the parents in this scenario because how come someone grows up to have so many problems in relationships. You think they were born like that or didn't put in enough effort between 0-18? How exactly do you think someone develops in a way to have severe relational issues?

Oh wait I know: it was the bad friend in year 6.

Actually, no. It turned out they were autistic, born at a time when a woman getting diagnosed with autism who basically functioned okay didn't get diagnosed. They had been fine in childhood. It was when they got to their late teens and had to deal with the world outside the family much more independently that they started to struggle more socially, and blamed everyone else around them for their struggles. They didn't understand why they didn't feel right in the world after about the age of 16. They then apologised to their parents, got social skills training (paid for by the parents who had also paid for therapy), and did much better when they found friends who an organisation for autistic people they felt were easier to relate to.

But you clearly see any adult children as saints and all parents as instigators, so you'll never see anything else. Or maybe you will when you realise your children don't like things about you later on.

So you basically just threw an autistic (interesting omission by you) person under the bus and made them out to be an issue in relationships? For behaviours that are completely normal for autistic people, did I get that right? You had to pick an example of someone who was born with a different brain to make a point that not always parents are responsible for 'difficult' behaviour? And does that mean you thought I and others here assumed that autism might be developmental or something someone could take accountability for and work on?

Yes, I believe that parents shape our world. If someone is a drug addict, emotionally immature or has a personality disorder I would want to look at the upbringing and by default at the main caregivers. There can be outside influences and trauma, but with a safe upbringing even just to the age of 5 these will be much easier to cope are less likely to derail a life.

@soreshoulders missed the point again. I don't see adult children as saints. Where did you take that language from? I see adult children as people who take accountability for their behaviour that was caused by others outside of their control. I see them as people who work to undo damage and become healthier for themselves and others to lead happier lives. Those around them might join them or they might not, but those who don't might not end up in the same altitude and their ways might part eventually.

If that's what you want to read into it. Good luck navigating life with your approach. The point is that the person realised their 'issues' were normal for them and didn't mean there was anything wrong with them, and was able to move forward accordingly.

You said your mother has a personality disorder (women diagnosed with these may be autistic and might be misdiagnosed)? Do you know about epigenetics? Personality disorders (or autism, or whatever) is heritable.

I won't reply to you again as it's a waste of time. You can't discuss because you only want to see things one way when most things are grey. Good luck.

@soreshoulders I just think we talk about different things. I'm talking about estrangement and an adult child removing themselves from a family dynamic and you compared it with autism as an example of when someone struggled and couldn't identify the cause of their difficulties.

She sounds like someone who has struggled with mental health issues all her life…
sadly therapy often starts by diving into your childhood… maybe she’s invented issues that weren’t there… has created an alternate reality where she was not the problem… but you were?
I think I would just send yearly Christmas and birthday cards to keep communication open. Always say you’re here when she’s ready and you love her…. And leave it there… not much else you can do…

Mayne if/when she becomes a mother she will realise how bloody hard it is and be more appreciative about how us mothers sacrifice so much for our kids and maybe she’ll realise how much anxiety bloody kids cause us!!

in the meantime book a holiday, a cruise or something and have a lovely time - send her a postcard so she can see how relaxed (not anxious) your life is!

I wouldn't send a postcard. If she wants space it could seem intrusive or goady and doesn't demonstrate respect of her wishes. "Look how well I'm doing without you." That would be hurtful, even if she's instigated the no contact.

Omg that's terrible advice! If my mum sent me a postcard from a cruise after I cut contact with her I'd be shocked.

And actually, it was after I became a parent myself that I realised how awful my own parents had been my whole life. Sometimes you don't realise how NOT normal or okay your own childhood was until you are older and have frames of reference.

Actually, I do have a genuine question for you. I have my own thoughts, but wondered what your thoughts were. Do you apply the same to parents who cut off their adult children? That they didn't do it lightly so there must be a very good reason for them to do so?

I don't know how old your kids are but if you think you aren't making mistakes or messing them up in one way or another, you're deluded. Absolutely all parents do something that kids can later blame them for in therapy. Literally any parent, no matter how perfect on paper. Unless there was proper abuse, I think people should stop blaming their parents and take some responsibility for their own lives.

You seem to think that people who stop contact with parents are blaming them for their own failings.

When I cut contact I was pretty far up my professional tree, was making good money, was 20 years into my ongoing happy marriage, had (have) three healthy children who are doing well. What should I have been taking responsibility for, exacti? Because if it was my crushing anxiety every time there was a hint of aggression in the workplace or someone looked annoyed, that comes from some pretty specific experiences where I learned what follows an aggressive expression or comment.

I had many years of expensive therapy to manage this. Not a single clinician recommended breaking contact, that was my own choice based on knowing that I didn't need to put myself through contact with them any longer. I agitated for quite literally 30 years after moving out to get to that point and it has been the best present I ever gave myself.

I think what some people are failing to grasp is that children can pretend to be a version of themselves that they know their parents approve of, I had it with my dad, I've never had therapy but understand it well enough now, I was always not wanted around by my stepmum so from 9 years old, during contact with them, when she could be indifferent at best and hateful at worst, I would try my hardest to be the person she would like or approve of to try and get her to like me (thinking that there was obviously something wrong with me), so I could still have a relationship with my dad.

By the time I was in my 30's, after one two many hurtful things had happened in a row, I decided enough was enough, and I stopped contact with them (I spoke to my dad and told him why, we had a good conversation about it) I couldn't believe the amount of relief I felt, like a weight had been lifted, I hadn't realised how bad it made me feel until I was free of it, and I never looked back.

I would imagine the same things happen to any child who had a parent who they have to modify themselves to be around so as not to offend/upset/trigger them, eventually with enough time and perspective you realise that you were never the problem at all and it becomes incredibly hard to accept that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are the ones that made you feel like you were never good enough.

Sometimes cutting off all contact is the only way to truly be free of it.

Do you think it a good idea to write to her? She knows you are hurt from your past life together. Whether she knows how deep you are hurting, you are unlikely to find out.

I think you could just stop contacting her and wait until she contacts you, however long that will be.

We are not responsible for what other people do to us or anyone else. I think she is wrong to cut you off, whatever the circumstances. I think it best to leave things until she needs to contact you, and then you can show her the love she obviously thinks she doesn't need.

If you ask other people about her, they will not want to get involved and it will not help patch things up. You would be surprised at the number of mothers in a similar position to you. She thinks you have done wrong and is punishing you. In fact, she is punishing herself. No one is responsible for what goes on in another person's mind.

Some blame themselves for years, for thinking they are responsible for someone's death or injury because they were 'not there' for them. That is like playing God. How can a person know that their actions make any difference?

Be patient: if she stays away, let her. It is not your fault.

I agree with this. It’s incredibly hard and painful but I think the best course of action is to leave her be . She needs to see for herself that she still needs you.

Op there’s a number of threads at the mo on what therapy does- it can pull everything you’ve known apart and make you honestly question everything- every little scenario and event is thought about. Also it means she isn’t in a good place so is pulling stuff apart herself. As someone who went on a bit of ‘the world hates me, nobody stays in contact’ thing this year which was ridiculous I’ve realised since, as my hours in work and child pick ups are all over the place so I barely replied to people anyway, I can say she’s obviously working through stuff. Hopefully she’ll drift back, until then don’t keep asking what the issue is, just let her know you’re here

Or that she doesn't.

All the real world evidence from abusive families is that children, for the most part, not only accept but readily forgive and even embrace absolutely horrific treatment from parents. This fantasy that estranged parents tell that they were just victims of circumstance, ordinary, just made a few mistakes is absurd. Sure: there are some very sick or personality disordered adults who reject their parents or siblings. But there are, in equal numbers no doubt, personality disordered or abusive parents who are unable or unwilling to accept their role in the estrangement. As the parents are logically and historically prior to the child they have the greater responsibility for determining the nature of the relationship.

I can’t believe the number of posters here who assume uncritically that “social media” or “influencers “ or outside agitators are responsible for adults making decisions about their own lives and associations.

All the real world evidence from abusive families is that children, for the most part, not only accept but readily forgive and even embrace absolutely horrific treatment from parents. This fantasy that estranged parents tell that they were just victims of circumstance, ordinary, just made a few mistakes is absurd.

I read this differently. Those who have been severely abused - sexually, physically, emotionally - are desperate to gain their parents' love and approval. Very often people in this situation grow up with severe addictions, and are unable to hold down a job. They are unlikely to be able to pay for expensive private therapy and may be unwilling to engage with the kind of help provided by the state.

Meanwhile there is a generation of young people who have been brought up to feel that their feelings and thoughts are paramount. An ultra-protective culture - designed to protect them from real harm - has created a lack of resilience. Social justice theory and identity politics means that they also feel guilty about their relatively privileged lives.

This guilt can be assuaged by claiming victim status.

They've also been misled into thinking that they ought to be happy all the time.

These factors all encourage them to believe that their ordinary imperfect parents, have damaged them severely. Rather as a frustrated toddler will lash out.

My sense is that these ordinary, imperfect parents, may get to the point where they just have to step away - get on with their own lives - and hope that their twenty and thirty year old kidults will eventually grow up.

Do you know a single young person that is so afflicted by ‘victim status’ that they cut off a healthy relationship with their parents?

One that becomes more important in such a severe cost of living crisis, and need their parents more than ever. Unless they are in serious mental health difficulty it’s almost impossible beyond the most vaccous influencer or narcissistic personality to counter losing much loved parents for such superficial reasons.