My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

I haven't spoken to my mother for years. For good reason. Perhaps your daughter has a good reason.

I guess we will never know.

1. It is not their job. It can be part of their job, but it isn't their job description.
2. Therapists should act in such a way that they are not influencing the client. They should lead the client, not influence them.
3. It is rarely just the parents. Of course parents are very influential.
4. There are always indicators when someone has relationship issues if they may be a contributor to that.

My poor daughter went no contact with me 14 months ago. She still keeps contact with her father and her sister. Prior to the break up, I couldn't have asked for a more kind, funny, clever thoughtful person, my partner tells me she is now hostile, totally self absorbed, she has lost all her friends and a good job. I would do anything to help her but she refuses to have anything to do with me and refuses to get mental health help. She had been seeing a therapist, unbeknownst to me, before she broke with me. She did seem to take things to heart more than most people. I feel so sorry for her.
I glimpsed what my life would be if I succumbed to the total grief, self judgement and recrimination for all the things that you would like to have done differently if only you had known.
If it helps, although I carry a deep sadness, I am getting on with my life and look for the good, of which there is plenty.

I read the therapist / client conversation. And I can see how it appears neutral. However, to a highly suggestible person or someone, who deals in absolutes this could imo trigger a person to cut contact. Wouldn’t it be better to steer the client to more grey thinking rather than absolutes?

EG in response to the client saying they want to cut contact. Respond if the client wants, they can work this out together so that she makes the decision, that is right for her. And it’s ok for a lot of this work to be about discussing her mother. Because what is going on in the relationship is important to her. Her childhood is important to her. Something like this.

Telling her things like she’s in charge without elaborating can also potentially be problematic. Yes, she’s in charge of herself. And of her life and her decisions. It could be taken she’s in charge of herself and her mother now. but I don’t like in charge btw. I prefer things like she gets to decide what happens to her and her life. And that they can talk about that and see how the client would like that to look.

I’m thinking the more neutral option. Soft. Not knee jerk in any way. And as someone myself, who’s had a lot of therapy, the comment about cutting contact could just be frustration, throw away and the therapist has picked it up and run with it as a possible outcome. (I don’t have a child, who’s cut contact btw.)

The therapist on hearing ‘I’d just rather cut contact’ should also be hearing that person’s fears. Cutting contact doesn’t necessarily change those fears. And they should know their client very very well, have explored a lot of possibilities before having this type of conversation. And from the way this has been written, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

At times I felt like cutting contact. I didn’t. I was encouraged by my therapist after years of working on myself to put a very firm boundary in. This was led by me and brought on my not wanting to resume contact until my parent apologised for saying something to me, which triggered me to put the phone down. It was one of many conversations, where I’d put the phone down but this was the one that broke the camel’s back. And once that happened, the therapist explained to me how to make a change.

Not to look at the big picture but to use this one specific thing to seek change. And it changed everything. That actually taught both me and my parent far more than going NC. And If I’d done that it would have been a short cut. But it wouldn’t have helped me. It wouldn’t have made me the person I am today. Because we put all the work in before we got to that point.

And I’m still now in contact with my parent. And although I’ve had to reinforce boundaries at times, I have never since felt the need to put the phone down or to temporarily cut contact again. That’s effective therapy in action.

NB I appreciate the outcome will be different for different people. However, the process should never be forced or expedited as the conclusion may be wrong for the client. But I get that takes resources that many people don’t have. And clients want results…

In the case I am speaking of, the person concerned has cut contact with siblings as well as parents. That doesn’t speak of a healthy ‘setting boundaries’ but much bigger issues. Since seeing a counsellor, this person is totally isolated , bitter angry and suffering from an eating disorder . Yet believes that the counsellor has transformed their life for the better.

On the other hand, sometimes the entire family system can be dysfunctional and you do need to break away from the whole lot.

Indeed, but some parents are open to listening and taking accountability, and some are in utter denial and deflect, shifting the blame back to their child.

The latter are the ones getting cut off and imo, for good reason.

Wow. That page is fascinating. Thanks for derailing my morning ; )

Such an insightful and interesting thread.

Just came to add a question about OP's husband as everyone seems to be concentrating on the OP-DD relationship.
But OP mentioned somewhere that the DD only texted her dad a few times (since the estrangement) with crucial detail that prior to that DD always only called her mum and NEVER her dad.

There must be a lot to this part surely?

Bad Therapists often suggest the problem is related to your parents. I'm currently NC with my lovely child because they were persuaded we'd abused them as a child. I'm not deluded. I have spoken to a Psychiatrist about this and the "abuse" was what most people call "parenting" such as getting them up for school in the morning or suggesting they have a shower.

Hopefully your DD will realise you are not the cause of her trauma and that going NC is not a solution. Maybe she just needs time away from you to sort herself out? But also consider whether there is truth in what's been said.

Well said. The most sensible, compassionate post here.

The thing is you probably, genuinely, have no idea what these anxieties are because you just don’t seem capable of self-reflection. I would suggest, for the sake of your relationship with your daughter, that you go and see a psychologist or counseller yourself, explain the situation, and let them unpack it for you. There is clearly something you did wrong, your daughter has told you that, but it’s not her responsibility to unpack it for you.

I would suggest that being dismissed as 'incoherent' when you're trying to talk about something that really matters to you would count as a good reason to protect yourself from further hurt.

Why would you pay a therapist to tell them lies? You exactly that will achieve you? People go to a therapist when they are suffering. Very few people have that extra cash and time to waste on a therapist to tell them lies.

Thank you. I was beginning to think I’d arrived in a parallel universe. Some of the responses here are in my view, crushing and with little or no evidence.
Haven’t found DH’s view yet and no one’s mentioned the absolutely unknown influence of the husband.

Well I did cut off my mother, and I did have good reason. She probably says the same sort as things as you do. I'm not saying that's definitely the case for your daughter, but surely you can understand that nobody would cut a parent out of their life lightly!

Maybe they have. Who are you to judge? If the family is dysfunctional, cutting them out might be a way of her protecting herself. And yes, if you cut your family out of your life, of course it's isolating - that's a no-brainer. But for some people it's worth it.

Having read the later posts by OP about her daughter’s mental health and self harm I’m honestly not sure.
Also I want to know about the husband, completely missing in this tale, or the parts that I’ve read. If it were my daughter, I’d be beside myself. Few of us have perfect parents but this seems extreme.

Never seen a therapist but would imagine it’s quite easy to say that you hated your mother because she did x. How’s the therapist supposed to know the truth? Mum may well have done x but what’s the back story?

Or maybe, as the DD has mental health problems, the message was incoherent.

I find it almost painful that the vast majority of people want to think the worst of OP. It's as if parents always have to be in the wrong (or actively lying) and their adult children must always be right and be believed.

This is melodramatic. Surely with age come perspective and understanding. We work out who people are and why they behave like they do (or at least a sensible guess).

Not lies for the person concerned. It maybe their ‘truth’. Objectively though and looking at the whole picture, the situation may not be nearly as simplistic as they paint it to be. The therapist can only go on what they are told. They can’t know all sorts of information that perhaps even their client might not be party to.

I’m sorry to hear about this OP - it must be heartbreaking. I honestly don’t know what to suggest. It sounds like she’s blocked you or silenced you on WA. I think sending occasional cards or reaching out to her husband with messages of love is the right thing to do. It sounds like your DD has struggled with her mental health on and off for a long time. My sister had an awful time for years with our mum because our mum was judgemental and struggled to accept my sister was gay. My sister never cut contact though there was a lot of conflict. Sometimes anxiety is picked up by children and young people even if it’s not expressed in words. It can be an atmosphere. I suppose on the positive side your daughter is trying to address her mental health issues. Do you think it would be worth your while talking to a therapist yourself to see if there’s anything you can understand about the disconnect between her narrative and yours. I feel for your OP - it must be incredibly hard for you m. Wishing you all the best xxx

We have zero evidence that that is so. None.