My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

I don't think people are that keen to trash parents but the OP has been repeatedly and very clearly asked what her daughter said when asked what her issues with her mother are, and has repeatedly skirted around the question. It's a pretty simple question and if the OP is as innocent as she claims then it shouldn't be a problem to answer. So why isn't she? Because it's kind of the whole point of the thread and hard for anyone to help her without that information. It doesn't feel like she actually started this thread for advice, more in the hopes of finding an echo chamber.

Well, go and see a therapist to find out?

I agree. It's kind of fundamental.

I don’t need to. I’m at peace with myself and my family.

But from what OP says this case is entirely different. There was no toxicity and daughter interacted with her mother and father on a seemingly loving way. An adult child wouldn't go on holiday with her parents if she didn't get on with them. So what has the therapist said? Going no-contact seems to be de rigeur these days with therapists who have nothing else in their arsenal.

A very similar thing happy to my friend - her adult son out of the blue told his mum he was suffering from anxiety and depression so was doing to distance himself from is family. He’s never contacted her since, (5 years ago). All for absolutely no reason and my friend was devastated because up until then they’d had a very good relationship. In your case could it be her new husband dictating who your daughter can see and speak to because it’s not that long after they got married? I’m so sad for you 😢xx

That’s very interesting, maybe people should think twice about seeking outside help in these instances. I read a book about adult children estranging themselves from their parents and families - it happened to the lady writing the book and whilst writing she was contacted by 9000 parents in the same boat!! She referred to it as an epidemic 🤔😢

We need to hear DD side of story. Impossible to comment only hearing your version. You are upset naturally but sbe must have issu3s to consider seeing a therapist.
You cant pit this on therapist. They are professionally trained.
You can ask her for specific examples.and suggest she talks to you about her concerns.

So have I, my son has now lost every member of his family and friends because of his unbelievably nasty and narcissistic behaviour. For years he made my life hell and tried to turn everyone against me. However bit by bit he started treating everyone else the same until no one could stand being around him. He’s wrecked mine, his dad’s and his siblings lives, and he’s never given us a reason why, he just blames us for everything (but won’t explain what we’ve supposed to have done.) He couldn’t have been a more loved child so it’s just so sad. 😢

I’m so, so, sorry. If you want to me PM me then do.

I see this quite often in my work it’s not uncommon. I only hear one side ((the parents side) and sometimes I can see why it’s happened but other times it’s really baffling as the parent seems genuinely decent and is devastated.

Would you also say people calling out against blackface and cultural appropriation are also following a trend as in the past these things were tolerated?

You would never have known what a freakish situation my siblings and I were growing up in. My sadistically controlling, violent Dad had a respectable, even charming side, as most abusers do. He bragged that he knew how to cause pain without leaving marks. Any mention of living in fear of punishment was banned.

Granted, he wouldn't have appeared devastated if I'd cut contact (I did - from him - for several years). He wouldn't have told anyone. My mother would have been, which is why I only reduced contact with her. She didn't admit the depth of his abuse until a few years ago, in an early stage of dementia.

It's funny how people assume they can tell what happens behind a closed door.

Yes I am very aware I only hear one side.

I do sometimes think the parent isn’t at fault though. Sometimes it’s a divorce and an adult son sides with the dad leaving mum devastated.

I’m 57. The older and wiser I get, the more I don’t want to have contact with my mother. I still do but out of obligation and duty. I look back on what sort of mother she has been and i just want to walk away. I would never treat my daughter how she has treated me. But, strangely, she seems to think she has been some sort of saintly mother over the years and can't understand why i am not keen to run to her every time she wants me to do something for her. Be honest now OP - who would want their parents on honeymoon with them ? They must have been pressured/guilted/persuaded into that one. Did you offer to pay for just the two of them to have a good honeymoon or did you suggest you all go ? I think your daughter takes after her dad and does anything to keep the peace. I think you are probably a controlling tyrant.

I do. If there is a court case involved then the psych chosen by the insurance company will definitely say what costs the insurance company the least. It's known by everybody and a complete waste of time and resources. The other side employ their own psychiatrist who miraculously comes down on their side. The court employs it's own psychiatrist ( this is what happens where I live) and uses that and throws the other two in the bin, But the psychs have made their money. Seriously, snake oil salesman, with very few exceptions in my experience.

The writer of nursery rhymes had the idea with 'Little Bo Peep':

'Leave them alone, and they'll come home, dragging their tails behind them''.

Let her come in her own time.

If only that were true…

Hmmm. Not sure the writer of ‘little bo peep’ was attempting a metaphor for parental estrangement. Think they were just writing about actual sheep. But whatever gives you comfort.

When I was a young child my mum was depressed and I occasionally saw her crying but she was otherwise very loving and caring. She died when sibling was only 20. My sibling (not a teen but currently getting into a lot of pop psychology and has joined some sort of group) is blaming my dm for their own failed relationships because they once saw her crying and asked me then if she was ever affectionate to them because says can’t remember. She was extremely loving and affectionate to them and at her funeral they gave a speech about how great she was as a mother including lots of examples of their experience of this.

I get that siblings can have very different experiences but I know what I saw and am outraged for dm. She couldn’t help being depressed when we were young and did her best to shield us I’m sure.

Essentially what I’m saying is I don’t believe sibling has complex trauma due to what was really a fairly normal childhood with loving parents because this has come out of nowhere after influence from others, I was there and I know what happened and I experienced the same things. There might be trauma from the death but this doesn’t seem to be what is saying or what their ‘mentor’ thinks. There is no drug or alcohol issues anywhere I should say and I love sibling but this is difficult to deal with.

I absolutely support people going no contact if it is the best thing for them but I’m also seeing at first hand that pop psychology and ‘experts’ who don’t know what they are talking about can do damage.

Have you thought about contacting her and having a conversation yourself to try and compromise.

I have the same mental health problems as the OP describes for her daughter. It has never rendered me incoherent.

You appear to have a very sketchy idea of what 'mental health problems' actually means.

Unless there is a backstory of abuse or neglect, I think it’s incredibly callous to go no contact with parents.

My parents made mistakes. I accepted they were human and loved them regardless. I knew they loved me for all their faults.

I’ve made mistakes with my own son. I’m not perfect. I’d be devastated if he cut me out of his life, because equally I know I’ve also been a loving and generous mother, who has tried to give him the world and make him feel safe, secure and loved.

These people cutting off their parents, either are or one day will be parents, and will see how hard parenting is and just how many mistakes are made. I wouldn’t wish it upon them though to be in the future, one of those cut off (particularly if said children have been raised thinking it acceptable to do that).

I’m sorry you are going through this op. In many many cases it’s uncalled for.

But it’s all about accountability as I said above. None of us are perfect parents. My trauma meant I made mistakes with my now adult child.

The difference between me and the parent I cut off? I owned up to my mistakes, was already in therapy, apologised, had long deep discussions with my child, told them they could come to me with anything, and meant it. My parent deflected, gaslit, blamed me, then went on a rampage to slag me off to anyone who would listen while playing the innocent victim (and continues to do so 15 years later).

Anyone reading this who has had a child cut them out, ask yourself this - have you listened to them? And I mean really, really listened to them. Have you accepted that your parenting might have hurt them (even if you disagree)? Have you apologised without a “but”? Have you held them and done your best to make them feel seen, heard and loved now? Have you self-reflected in order to move forward and have a stronger relationship with them?

If not, you might want to give it a go. Our kids don’t ask to be born, they owe us nothing. We, on the other hand, owe them the gift of being strong and stable and to love them unconditionally.

Not many people would cut their parents off if they were overall loving and caring though, it would be like cutting their nose off to spite their face. If you enjoy spending time with people you wouldn’t willingly let them go from your life.

I think some families run on fear, obligation and guilt. Parents in families like that don’t look to see what they are bringing to the relationship, they just expect to dictate and be obeyed.

Im estranged from my family. I would do anything to have loving, kind parents. Not all parents are made equal though unfortunately. My mother isn’t maternal at all - she is cold, cruel and has a horrible temper.

I think if parents get cut off they should look hard at themselves and think why. I know I’ve made mistakes with my parenting, but my children have always heard the word “sorry” from me when I’ve made a mistake and had an explanation. I think problems arise when parents want to hold on too tightly to their authority and won’t admit to any mistakes or failings.