My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

Yes. Could you expand on why you think I’m ’not for real’ ? I’d be most interested to know.

Lots of things can happen abusive relationships, sexual abuse, bullying at work or school or all of these. Sometimes you just keep it all in and think your coping but it can come out as burn out, depression etc once you reach this point you tend to push people away and isolate.

What about self reflection? Why would you need examples and evidences? Don’t you believe your adult child having a rational and reasonable mind?

Exactly, there are many outside influences on a child's life that influence them. It's rarely one factor. There's also undiagnosed neurodiversity which can lead to so many problems, especially kicking in more for women from preteens/early teens onwards.

One of my kids is in antidepressants. They've had multiple health issues which would probably make anyone depressed. It's hard enough launching into young adulthood without having such hurdles. They've been given all the support in the world that we could give and we're very close. I'm not responsible for that. In fact, we found out where the gene came from when I got diagnosed with the same condition.

People with depression and anxiety issues should always start with a medical check up. You can't counsel medical conditions causing this sort of thing out of people if the basis is physical.

I've seen a range of theories in practice that range from 'unmet needs from childhood' to 'it's not productive to get stuck in blaming the past as that doesn't help you in the now'. I tend to think that it can be helpful to identify and work out issues of the past, but then you have to move forward (that can mean NC with people). Blaming others can also be a way to avoid personal responsibility.

People can tell you stories and then you find out some key information they didn't tell you, and it changes everything.

Not saying there aren't good reasons to distance yourself from parents (or even grown children sometimes), of course they are, but rarely is a situation down to one factor. Life is a complex web of interacting biopsychosocial factors.

One of my children has just started antidepressants too. He's back at home which is hard for him because he desperately wants to be independent. Every instinct I have as a mother is to fix him but I really have to also respect he's an adult. He's waiting for an Adhd assessment. My mother has severe mental health issues and has done from when I was born so I have to make sure I have boundaries to protect myself. I think modern technology has made us all readily available its just another layer of pressure with family and also peer groups even more so.

Op says she couldn’t take her moaning. So I am guessing op is quite dismissive of her DD’s struggles.

I think the daughter has tried to explain. I believe it’s been labelled as ‘incoherent’ explanations by mum and absolutely baffling as the (golden child) son has confirmed.
Suspect your daughter finally found someone who saw her, loved her for who she was, and helped her see the dysfunction.

Indeed - but the contention on this thread from a lot of people is that evil therapists are telling people to cut off from their families. And I dispute that - therapy just does not work that way. No trained professional would advise clients to do anything of the sort. They may discuss it and help clients explore what they want to do. And in case of immediate danger they may report to a safeguarding authority. But therapists are not there to give advice, they are there to let people explore options and figure out what they want to do.

Is your child NC with you too?
no but it must be awful when this happen in a family.

no answer to what I asked
What did you ask? It's a long thread, please forgive.

edited to add, is this the question, you wanted an answer for?
Which adult will go NC with a good parent just because a bad therapist advised them to?

it reads as a rhetorical question. I'm sorry for your pain, it must be horrible to be in a situation where you feel you have no choice but distance yourself from those who you should feel safe with.

Questioning the notion of 'good' parent still stands though as all of us are complex beings in our various roles nobody is perfect and expecting perfection seems toxic in itself as unattainable and such pressure. Just as we should not expect a 'good' son or daughter, it's simplistic to refer to a good parent.

They shouldn’t be , no. However poor therapists do influence their clients, and some do try to give advice. The family member who has cut themselves off from us certainly gave us to understand that the therapist had encouraged them to do so. It’s hard to know the truth, but that was their perception.

There are many people living fulfilled lives who would have continued living in misery or even killed themselves because of good therapists. If people blow up their lives it is because they are making choices. Not that the therapists are bad. Writing off the whole profession is ridiculous. It needs regulating differently and should be a protected title for sure. But when done right, it promotes better relationships and happier people.

Hi op this sounds heartbreaking, from what you’ve said it does sound like your dd has projected all her anxieties onto you and maybe that makes her feel better?

Im not sure there’s much you can do sadly unless she comes back to you.

Sounds like what she has described of your relationship to her therapist has made her therapist think you are a narcissistic parent- this is what generally triggers a low or no contact approach.
You need to think about how involved you were in her life, and if that level of involvement was healthy.
This may be a huge misunderstanding- but I doubt it.

As a boomer and a therapist I am not idealist - just professionally trained and adhering to a high level of professional ethics. The profession in the UK does need to be tightened up for sure to ensure everyone calling themselves a therapist is properly trained and regulated and subject to a rigorous complaints process. But in 20+ years I have never worked with a colleague who would give advice like this.

But suggestions given would be about the best way to do something - cope with nightmares, for example - not what major life decisions you should make. If you ever see a therapist who attempts this - run. I have had clients where it is obvious that their mental health problems come from being in difficult relationships or jobs. But people have to work out for themselves what is not working in their life and what they want to change.

The thing is how do you actually know what your colleagues are saying in therapy sessions unless you are their supervisor? Client confidentiality means you shouldn’t be discussing the content of your sessions with colleagues.

Not always, but often. Yesterday someone told me I had told him I had said there were red flags in his relationship. I had not, and pointed it out to him. People take what they want from therapy. That is not the therapists fault.

What sticks out to me is that people here call it 'blaming others'. Its a weird terminology to use. Who talks about blame and why? Can this not just be cause and effect? Just like people like to say it's society or social media that messes up kids. That is apparently okay to say, but it is equally looking for external factors instead of taking responsibility for oneself and put in the work.

ND likes to be brought up too. Basically, anything but parents seems to be a highly likely reason someone's MH struggles. It's frankly ridiculous and avoids responsibility.

The reason we should look at our upbringing is not to 'blame' anyone but understand what shaped our world to then be able to change how we deal with challenges. Anyone going to therapy will understand soon enough that the past can't be helped, but it absolutely needs to be processed and that's why you got to look at upbringing. I have never known anyone who could heal from depression and anxiety that didn't have good rummage in the past. The opposite is the case: people who have fully recovered have looked at it ALL and usually end up with much more compassion towards other humans, but stricter boundaries too.

There are parents who refuse to look at their behaviour or how they have contributed to the family dynamic. There are abusive, cruel and damaging parents. In many cases it is necessary to go NC. However there are also many many parents who have done their absolute best with the understanding and resources they had. They love and want the best for their children. Unfortunately in this culture of black and white thinking, inability to empathise with another’s experience or in the case of those children who may have mental health issues, the ability to see beyond the point of their own pain is not possible. So it’s easy to look for a scapegoat to blame or project all their own unprocessed crap on to a parent who has tried their absolute best and may have suffered in ways their child can only dimly imagine.

Yeah.

Client: I don't know, I feel like I need some space from her ...
Thpst: What could that look like, taking some space?
Client: Maybe I'd just rather cut contact. She'd be devastated, though.
Thpst: Are you responsible for your mother's feelings?
Client: I've always felt like I am!
Thpst: Yes, that's very much a theme in our work here.
Client: I guess I could do without battling that responsibility for a while.
Thpst: Do you feel able to talk to her without taking that responsibility?
Client: Not yet, we have a lot more work to do. But I'd feel so bad for her.
Thpst: So you feel bad if you talk to her, and bad if you decide not to?
Client: Yes. It's guilt either way.
Thpst: We can work on these feelings, whether you're in contact or not.
Client: But I don't want to end up spending every session going over my last conversation with my mum.
Thpst: Have a think on it. No need to make any final decisions, you're in charge.

Client [later]: My therapist advised me to stop talking to my mother.

That sums it up perfectly

And what stops these 'non cruel' parents from taking accountability for things that didn't go so well? The issue usually is that this carries on into adulthood that behaviours remain and the adult child gets dismissed and one day they just don't want to do it anymore.

why wouldn't these parents become a healthier version of themselves and strengthen the relationship with their now adult child? What you say is this: they did their best and the adult child just has to suck it up and there is no requirement for the parent to show up in a healthier way.

In my experience, where the parents are a larger factor in issues, it is usually because of how they reacted to an external event (lack of support, lack of empathy, for example). Often then children have to find their own way through and the ways they learn to do that are not necessarily healthy.

I have seen people blame parents for their bad behaviour. Lack of accountability for their own choice. Believe it or not, people to lie to therapists or omit crucial details, sometimes quite significantly.

I don't disagree with looking at what shaped our world but, once that work is done, the person is responsible for what they do to heal anything. Maybe that does involve cutting some people out of their life. I've seen examples of scapegoating too.

Often, where there is ND in the mix, that can seriously affect communication and relationships, sadly one or more parties may not even be aware it's a factor in play. By the time they realise, if they ever do, it may be too late to heal those relationships with the new understanding of each other.

I could give so many real life examples, but obviously I'm not able to do that. All I'm saying is that it's too easy to blame the parents but to blame them alone is usually not the big picture. Staying stuck in holding parents responsible for everything isn't productive either and can be a way to avoid the discomfort of taking personal responsibility to move forward to a stronger place.

You want parents to take responsibility but it's not all theirs. Yes, there are some parents who should take majority responsibility, but there are schools, peers, workplaces, other family, siblings, romantic partners, clubs, religious organisations, strangers we encounter, neighbourhoods, biology, social circumstances - so many other things. The child themselves makes a contribution to the dynamics at play too. There are a lot of parents of young children confident in their parenting who life will humble when their kids get older. Seen that often too.

Here we go again.

It's such a myth that a therapist would be interested in the accuracy of any facts or details of what happened 20 years and 25 minutes and three seconds ago. Everyone lies btw and therapists know that. Their job is to bring to awareness what is too painful to admit and has been pushed aside by denial, a lie or something else. It's quite frankly a ridiculous suggestion that a therapist could have such an influence on a grown ass person's reality and almost brainwash and convince them of something they wouldn't believe themselves otherwise. But god forbid the role of parents is brought up. There is no way a parent had a meaningful impact on the child when it was 5 months or 2 years or 10. It's always external circumstances, school or the wrong crowd. Or ND. Anything.

Thank you.

I'm not sure if you see what happened here? (And in a thousand sessions similar to my made-up one.)
The therapist gave the client permission to think about taking some 'space' from her mother.
The client made up her own mind when she said I don't want to end up spending every session going over my last conversation with my mum.
The therapist reminded her she's a free agent with choices.

Nobody blamed anyone, nobody told anyone what to do. The client wants to work on her enmeshment without constant guilt trips. She's free to change her mind about how to do so. But, because she does feel guilty, she isn't taking public responsibility for her decision: also a freely-made choice.

I'm pretty sure this is how most "therapist made me do it" claims originate. Not all - some so-called therapists really are scary manipulators - but the great majority.