My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

This thread alone is full of many examples of people cutting off their parents without good reason. It happens. I know we don't want to believe it, because the prospect is terrifying, but it happens.

Depression is unlikely to render OP’s dd entirely incoherent, almost certainly she is sound of mind and able to decide who she would like to speak to.

I really can not support the idea that the issue must lie with the dd because she has ‘issues’ as it usually simply serves the purpose of ensuring no one else in the family need look at themselves and their actions…

I wonder why some adults would have such severe problems 🤔

What is your experience?

That was exactly what happened when my DSIS went into therapy. Completely twisted events that I was present at. It took her a while to actually get over the therapy.

Not all therapists are necessarily good therapists.

This thread is riddled with immature parents who have never tried therapy and bash therapists and slag off their adult children. These threads always attract parents like that.

Even your statement above is immature. You don't get to decide what a good enough reason is. Only the person doing it decides. Why not give adult children good enough reasons to stay? It is unnatural to break away from your family of origin. Don't you think that adult children who feel loved and accepted would stay?

Someone did this to me. Not a daughter, but someone close. It wasn't fun. They eventually came back to their senses and now they tell a completely different story about me (the truth!) It was one of the strangest experiences of my life because they were absolutely insistent that I was evil, toxic etc. although they couldn't provide a single example of what I'd done to justify the accusations. As I said they are OK today and I am glad I left a door slightly ajar for them, although what they did was heartbreaking because I had helped them out a lot over the years. Like Op, I had given financial help. They recovered and If someone said stuff like that about me today they would be the first to defend me and say that person was going mad.

Yes. OP has been asked multiple times exactly what was said and has (after much prodding) just come back with ‘she was incoherent’.

If you’re interested, please read the link I provided.

she self harmed for a long time and was on antidepressants for years

This was a gigantic warning sign, @KJCP. Did you go to family therapy at all? Do you (or did you) understand what was hurting her so much?

I wonder what age she was and how long it continued. I understand how powerless you can feel when a child shows this much distress. It would be interesting to hear about your responses.

My DM would tells others she doesn't know why I cut her off. There are a million reasons why but overall the fact she sees herself as a victim that has done nothing wrong is the biggest reason. What am I supposed to do with someone like that?! You can't change what you won't even acknowledge.

Ridiculous advice on here 'you should try therapy', yeah, right, just because her daughter is a suggestible idiot who goes to therapy and comes out re-programmed, does not mean the OP has to. However, this is a new one for me 'your anxieties rub off on me'. Nice one. I don't know - is the profession of therapists even regulated?

Can understand if it was often but I feel one trip even if it’s to hand deliver an I’m sorry I’m thinking you note would be what I’d do xx

It takes an awful lot to cut a parent out. I feel like there is way more to this and you are taking zero accountability.

Sick to death of ‘therapists’. There are two sides to every story. Two perceptions/interpretations. Nobody on this thread has a clue other than what the OP has said (by the way I’m
not disputing any of it) so that’s that.

Too many therapists these days meddle with situations they know nothing about.

I hope the OP gets some clarity with her DD as this is incredibly upsetting.

@KaleQueen are you for real🤦🏻‍♀️

Not so sure. I know someone who went to see a therapist and give their version. I know this person and their version is mostly in their own head. The therapist can only go with what they are told.

It is upsetting. And there are certainly 'therapists' with their own agendas and/or without proper training, who can do dreadful things to their clients. I think they're a rarity, though. Most bad therapists are just mildly incompetent, their clients generally move on to someone more effective.

OP's posts so far do show the 'missing missing reasons' described in @ForZanyAquaViewer's link. They're about her emotional response, there's no self-examination. She's described herself and her husband as perfect parents but is there such a thing? Has she never made mistakes as a mother? How does her idea of perfect parenting match up with other modalities?

99% of posts like this seek only sympathy for the abandoned parent's sadness, they don't actually want any hints or tips - unless somebody has a wizard ruse to bring the estranged child back into the parent's control arms.

You know, the only sane reaction to this sort of thing is "I don't understand what has hurt you so much, and of course I'm really sorry for failing you. I'll be happy to explore it with you - and your therapist, if you like - when you're ready. Until then, I respect your need for distance but please know the door is always open. Thinking of you with love."

It'd be even better to see a therapist off your own bat, to examine events of the past with a trained third party. But few such parents have the emotional strength to do it; they just want their adult children to be how they think they should be.

Amongst everything else my DSis has had to deal with was seeing me have a good relationship with my DD and hers, whilst trying to mediate her relationship with her DD. She felt that there was me with my good relationship, telling her that if it was me, I would back off.

It got so bad, she and I stopped talking because her pain was so much, she blamed me. She actually told me I had to make her DD talk to her. That was the point I hung up on her. We have reconciled since then, but I will not ever act as mediator again. And DSis has to accept this. I could see that any attempt at mediation was not in my nieces best interests.

Please don’t condemn me for what I have just said. I am dealing with it from both sides. My DSis is not a monster but she is also not a good parent. My niece is not a bad person for going NC.

Letters, emails, messages, turning up on doorsteps, family therapy - good luck to you all.

Going NC with parents is not easy! No one does it for no reason. There is always a reason. It might be minor, it might be major. But it is real.

PPs speak about a sibling making up stories. I am the middle of 5 girls (now 4)), and when we talk about our upbringing, we could have been born of 5 different sets of parents.

@GarlicHound I agree with most of what you say. Like I said the internet has only one side/view/perception. Some of the PPs on here are ready to sentence the OP to a dreadful parent pool. Was she/is she? We don’t know. Who are perfect parents? They are only perfect by perception. Very few whimsical childhoods. They are the exception rather than the rule. Not dismissing ‘normal’ families of which there are plenty. Just doing their best. Sometimes their best (according to their DC) was not enough. That’s unfortunate or circumstantial or anywhere inbetween.

I hope the OP can have some open communication with her DD like you said.

Such long essay but no answer to what I asked. Is your child NC with you too? You are good at deflection.

Then you need to sue therapist of your boss first. Prince Harry ( also his brother)did have a traumatic childhood. Some kids are affected more than others in similar circumstances but just because his brother didn’t to the extent he had to leave, doesn’t mean Harry should have stayed with family.

Is it acceptable to go NC with alcoholic father who stole your stuff to use money on his gambling and never worked a day in his life but still took anything you were given by your grandparents. He made promises to change and never did and kept fooling us, is that ok to go NC? Or poor parent of a heartless child? Stop with you generalisation. We know why we went NC. And as a child my father was my favourite parent for being funny but he was ok to steal from us and fought with my mother and us every night.

It’s not. Give us a few examples where posters went no contact without good reasons.

I'm the only one of my friends who has had therapy. Guess who is the one who has the most troubled relationship with their mother? Most people who seek therapy do so due to anxiety/depression impacting their adult life/relationships. These conditions are usually rooted in childhood/unstable early attachments. Therefore, therapy will often highlight difficulties with parental relationships, especially the mother who is usually the main care-giver and attachment figure in early life. It's not rocket science. You need to listen to your daughter, reflect on your own behaviour and potentially get your own therapy. It may be difficult for you to understand her perspective or gain any insight into how your own behaviours have contributed to her mental health difficulties even through therapy as you'll likely have built up your own self-protective barriers over the years. If this is the case try to focus on giving her space. If she contacts you again just listen and try to show her unconditional love and support.

Your parents sound so similar to mine. It’s so sad what we experienced and missed, yet posters here blame us for not putting up more.