My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

OP went on DDs honeymoon with her and paid for IT. OP has focused on the cost twice, small fortune etc. OP does not explain why anyone thought this was a good idea or unusual or smothering. The information OP chooses to share reflects on her/her husband's financial generosity but not on their unusual choices to join in on their daughters honeymoon. Many people have queried why this happened, but OP chooses not to expand. (OP shares the info she wants to share).

People have asked if OP resents any financial gifts to her son. OP refuses to respond.

Many people have queried whether the daughter has explained her grievances and OP has dismissed them, had a mental block. The OP has not provided any further clarity.

OP speaks highly of her son, not her daughter.

OP stated she listened to her daughter moan, in order to shield her son in law from a side of her daughter that the OP perceives as unattractive. In the OP s mind she was trying to protect the relationship from her daughter's perceived negativity. If OP listens to the moaning, son-in-law doesn't have to. Why does OP do that? Why does she perceive it as her role to be a shield?

Is that a little weird? She is not listening with respect to her adult daughter, she is listening with the purpose of protecting her daughters marriage from an aspect of the daughter that OP ultimately doesn't approve of.

When the daughter asserted boundaries, the OP immediately circumvented them by communicating directly with the son in law.

OP are you anxious about your daughter relationship, are you projecting anxieties about communication styles and content onto your daughter s relationship?

Is it rude or unhelpful to position yourself as a barrier, to shield your son in law from your daughter's everyday venting? Do you think her role should be a happy clappy wife?

Perhaps your daughter was aware of your intention to act as a shield, and chose to cut you off. The shielding of the son in law, is quite demeaning to your daughter, and frankly (in my view) interfering in the normal development of their relationship.

Maybe she needs time and space to launch her married life. (without her mother monitoring her and projecting anxieties on to normal every day venting/nagging). The accompanying on the honeymoon seems like a really smothering and stunting thing to do.

Put yourself in your daughter's position, how would you have liked your parents to join you on honeymoon, and then resent paying for it. How would you have liked if your mother wanted to absorb a part of you that she perceived as negative/unattractive so you could present a version of yourself that your mother approved of to your new husband. You are telling your daughter, that part of herself is unattractive e (by doing this).

There are a LOT of bad therapists out there. I know several people who have blown up their lives after therapy, cutting off contact for minor issues with loved ones.

The whole industry is shameful,

She had previous to this by several years broken off contact with her brother because he was not supportive enough when she was depressed even though at that time he had suffered a severe broken leg in a skiing accident and had undergone a huge operation.

The writing was probably on the wall at this point. Did you speak to her about breaking off contact with her seriously injured brother at the time?

I don’t understand parents who raise children they clearly don’t like.

It’s interesting because your reply seems quite self righteous and lacking in any self awareness or accountability. The personality traits you accuse her of.

I mean, you must be aware of things you messed up as a parent? We all have made mistakes that have hurt our children at some point.

Gosh, it does sound off and I would be wary of this to be honest!

You can only reach out to go on her path so that means that you’d need to change some stuff and maybe this « closeness » you once thought earned was felt differently on her side?

I would send a message to say you are happy to discuss any boundaries issue she may have felt on your part at any suitable time and leave it at that. Let her decide but…gosh, being treated like that can only go for some time! I hope she comes back to reason soon enough…

I'm sorry OP. I don't have words of advice but I understand the heartbreak. I love my DD more than my life and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace.

Your first sentence is awful. There's nothing in the post to indicate what you're saying, the whole thing speaks to me of a mother's pain and frustration.

My mother would be equally astonished if I announced my boundaries and required her to respect them. She believes my upbringing was marvellous and our relationship is marvellous and she is marvellous. Actually, she does not believe the second thing any more because I am quietly putting boundaries in place, without specifically telling her to comply, or else. She does not like the fact I will now say "no" when necessary and has used every weapon in her arsenal to make me do what she wants. Short of asking me why I will not blindly obey her any more, probably because she would not like to hear what I had to say. My upbringing was a shit show but I was conditioned to go along with whatever she required, and did for decades. My therapist and I have discussed boundaries many times but I have never been told to spell them out and go no contact if they are rejected. It is possible the daughter has a poor therapist, or the daughter has misunderstood suggestions made, or the daughter is actually trying to protect herself, finally, and the mother has been blindsided.

Why would you go on your Daughter’s honeymoon with her?

From the limited information on here it’s clear you prefer your Son! A broken leg is obviously more important to you than Depression????

I think your Daughter is right to have therapy and take the time she needs without you!

Thank you x

@PineappleAndGrapefruitLilt

My mother’s then lover, now husband, did the same to me at 17
she believed him
and said I was inappropriately dressed

I certainly didn’t have it coming to me
neither did you at 11 💔

Really? Sounds more like daughter has had serious mental health issues for YEARS (self-harm), and her mother would be legitimately worried for good reasons. Sounds more like it's the daughters anxieties, not mums.

I refuse to believe there would have been no indicators of why this has happened, she will not have cut you off for no reason 🙄 So my question to you would be what have your actions (or lack of) been, and what genuine accountability have you taken for this?

I feel for you. 2 years ago my sister cut my mum out for unfathomable reasons. 6 months later when I talked to her about it, It was a different reason. She doesn't know what's wrong. It's likely your daughter doesn't either but there's nothing you can do about it, which is a hard truth to face.

No parent is perfect. So any adult child (with the help of a "therapist") will always have something to blame their parents for - all parents have done something wrong at some point over the course of the kid's life.

In my experience, most people do not cut off parents unless there is a very very good reason. Why would they? I'd like to hear your daughters side.

But siblings can objectively dispute facts when they did not happen. Some recollections might be emotional responses but if someone states facts like ‘when we were teens and in Greece this happened with Uncle Steve’ and not only were they never in Greece nor were they ever on holiday anywhere with Uncle Steve and Uncle Steve moved to Australia when they were toddlers then that can clearly be disputed.

Why do you refuse to believe that some adults have severe mental health problems and deluded thoughts and behaviours? It’s hardly an unrecognised event

Almost always, NOBODY cuts their mother off for nothing. I am 55 years old and recently became estranged from my mother for the second time. It will be the last. My mother has never shown me love or even any emotion but my brother was her golden child. She triangulates between my brothers and I and we all do not talk - she has to be the focus. She similarly drove a wedge between myself and my daughters, causing me much distress. I finally cut her and her mind games off when my daughter was expecting my granddaughter. Only I see through her. My life is much more peaceful. She undoubtedly has trauma from her childhood but that is no excuse to ruin your own family! Sort it out!

If she drove around to the dd place everyone on here would be screaming that she wasn’t respecting her boundaries 🙄

Your assertion at the start of your comment is baseless. You’ve just assumed this. You have no empirical data to back this up at all.

Almost always, NOBODY cuts their mother off for nothing

How do you know that?

Seriously, this thread is basically a whole lot of projection from people who've cut contact with their own mothers. But your story and all those other posters' stories are not the OP's daughter's story. Whatever her justification, it will not be yours and not be the other posters '. Because everyone's story is different.

You really don't know whether other people's justifications for ceasing contact are justified. Because you'll only have their side of the story. Just as we only have OP 's side of this one.

🤣🤣🤣

Why would a person of sound mind cut off a loving parent?

The daughter has mental health issues. It's in OP 's update.