My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

Are you absolutely sure your daughter and her new husband wanted you to go on the honeymoon and weren’t trying to (politely) decline your offer to pay? It seems so odd otherwise… I kind of imagine the conversation being something like this:

OP: I’ll pay for your honeymoon
Daughter: Don’t be silly, it’s too much
OP: I insist
Daughter: The only way we could possibly accept would be if you were coming too (and assuming in their head this would be the end of it)

next day… OP: I’ve booked the safari for us all

In what universe (unless possibly you have children and you wanted childcare) would you invite your parents onto your honeymoon with you?

I thought this too! Parents whose kids cut them off often claim they have no idea why it happened/it happened all of a sudden when actually, they do know. There’s just a huge mental block with confronting it and it reflects poorly on them publicly so they retreat into “it came from nowhere” “she was incoherent” “we are mystified” etc

Somebody whom could not afford one but was obliged to offer said parents an invite because they had offered to pay ( but it came with silent conditions) any other parent would have declined! And said thank you but this is your honeymoon.

Please could I suggest a really lovely letter to your daughter saying you would like to rebuild your relationship. Absolutely no blame, no recriminations, no guilt, just coming from a place of love and missing her.
Don't put her under any pressure but just say the door is always open.
I am really sorry for your situation OP but you are going to have to be the bigger person, put aside any hurt, and work hard to build bridges.
Probably feels like you are having to do something you shouldn't need or have to do but, if you want a relationship with your daughter, there will need to be a lot of putting your feelings aside to gain the outcome you want.
Maybe even suggest family therapy.
I hope this works out for you OP x

DM paid for my honeymoon.

We hadn't planned to have one as we were completely skint, but then she had a mahoosive public sulk at the wedding because "the brides mother is supposed to be involved in the wedding planning", and she hadn't been involved at all...because she had shown absolutely no interest in me getting married until the day it was actually happening. So she had to make a big display in front of DHs family, who had kindly paid for the reception, to show what a good mother she was by demanding to pay for something.

We said thanks and took the money and booked the flights for that evening.

I suspect she complains to her friends that we were grabby.

but there was never a coherent reply.

Again, what did she actually say?

It doesn't matter what judgment you apply to her words. I assume she spoke in sentences? in English? What were her actual, ad verbatim, words?

Could you suggest family therapy to help you both? You could say that you are willing to learn and keep and open mind about a path forward. It's heartbreaking to lose someone so close to us. I hope things get resolved in a positive way.

The drip feeding of info, and the communication style reveals a lot.

Go to therapy OP, be honest with the therapist. Speak to someone who is not part of the family dynamic, who is independent and impartial.

I miss my DD and all the GC. I know why and am very sorry for what I did.

Having worked in mental health you couldn't be more wrong. Many therapists do nudge their clients to cut people off. They do it using more gentle wording like "setting boundaries" but it's clear what they actually mean when you push further on it. I have had many an argument with counsellors for overstepping and being unprofessional in this way.

I am a daughter, in therapy, who is too frightened to talk about my mother as I am scared all this stuff will come out and I will cut her off.

If I do, my mother won't see why. Even if I tell her, she won't hear it. She will react and she will explode at me and never take on board anything I have said.

But I am your classic high achieving eldest daughter, riddled with pain, anxiety and depression that she is aware of but definitely doesn't have any genuine empathy for.

I grew up being told I was better, destined for great things but also sensitive. Oh so sensitive - but this was in a critical way. "Penwell takes on the world to avoid her problems" Chortles of laughter.

I grew up not being able to ask for help because my mum had done it all on her own (she hadn't) and any sign of weakness was met with stories (some embellished, some outright and outrageous lies) of her lone struggles.

I was mother figure to my two younger siblings. Something she would never admit to. My older brother was violent and cruel, but she has a son preference so that is ignored. I told her I was sexually abused as a child, this was met with "Everybody was darling. At least you were seen as attractive". Oh yeah, she is a skinny is everything person. I inherited my Dad's stockiness. Trying to lose weight for my wedding was a struggle, but I didn't have to worry as she was "doing it for us both".

But everyone who meets her talks about how lovely she is, how eccentric, how funny. She is going through a hippy phase right now, so comes off as all floaty and zen. She cares for my father (another story). She loves her grandsons. Granddaughters are generally forgotten. People say she is kind and sweet and loopy but in a nice way.

But she is in her 70s now and I am scared I will feel worse than I do seeing her, if I cut her off.

So those are my reasons. Maybe some therapy for you would be good. Help gain some insight, and acceptance that she has done this.

I tend to agree with this. There are very real reasons to go no or low contact with a parent who causes emotional harm. And I have myself limited contact with my mum who has caused me enormous stress over the years.
However I am worried about this trend of pop psychology on social media which tells teens they have trauma over absolutely normal parental mistakes. who is a perfect mother??

What does the communication style reveal? A parent is not a therapist, it sounds like OP has always been there for her dd. It's possible she cannot relate to her daughter's depth of feeling, I know my mother never could. That would be disappointing for OP's dd and it's easy to feel misunderstood and 'too much' if parents aren't able to support our emotional needs.

But what is this expectation of symbiotic perfect harmony and understanding?

The question is did OP as a mum regularly put her daughter down and criticise her character, appearance, life? If yes, that's abusive, no doubt.

Did op hit, routinely yell and swear at her dd? If she did she is an abusive parent.

Did she always sigh and act in a passive aggressive way with her dd? If eyes, that's also a sort of abuse, very unpleasant.

Did Op have controlling behaviour towards her dd, did she not allow her basic things, snoop her diaries, eavesdrop her conversations with her friends, put down or overtly praise OP's friends? if yes, that's emotional abuse.

Did OP always compare her children in a biased way? Always take sides when the dc argued? Did she disregard basic boundaries mollycoddling her dd? Well I hope not.

Feeling exhausted by your child's issues and troubles is perfectly normal, it's because we care. Some parents aren't amazing as regulating their feelings and that's horrible for their dc but unfortunately that's due to bad mental health.

I'd like to know what OP's dd has done for her parents? Does her dd listen to her mum when she has a worry or shares her experiences? Does she help her with practical things? Does mum? Without negatively commenting?

@KJCP I will say that texting your dd's husband when she told you she needed space was very ill advised, as you immediately tore down the boundary she bravely put up. And going on honeymoon with parents is extremely weird, did she feel she had to ask you to come? Does she suffer from anxiety and wanted you as a security blanket? As a mum would have declined that offer, it's most unusual.

I hope you can work it out. I don't believe you need therapy for that though. Just honesty, a willingness to listen and not be immediately dismissive and defensive. But it's possible that your dd is quite hard work and that she needs to get over that with some help. Having her own dc will help with that.

Abusive, vindictive mothers sadly do exist I am not sure the OP is one, only she will know if she searches deep within.

I wonder about many people’s decision to become parents. Lots of women, and men, go into parenting with damaged egos, suspicious motives, personality disorders, abandonment issues and a willingness to abandon their children. Mumsnet’s boards are full of women complaining about their ex husbands, their current husbands, their step children, their parents.

Why this convenient aphasia and the insistence that its the therapist—a bloody bystander—that is responsible for family troubles?

Ive seen other threads like this , child suddenly (and im taking the posts at face value) cut contact and make claims of needing boundaries or space and usually aim this at their mum. To be fair this is probably not out the blue. Children dont just cut contact with their mums but that doesn't mean to say these Children are not telling a one sided story to a therapist who are then planting seeds of "set boundaries" in their heads , being woke, or calling everyone out as toxic which is now the trend. Not to say some ppl arent toxic of course but the reality is how does a therapist really know the full story? They dont.. so how can they give the best advice to someone? I especially dont understand the desire to reveal absolutely zero information to you. this is cruel and if you really had a problem with your mum that you wanted her to fix, you'd spell it out to her, once at least! Op if I were u I would write a letter to her telling her you love her and you want to make steps to resolving this, but you need to know what the exact issue is, and you dont expect her to fix the issues but just a heads up as to what the problem is. A reasonable person, a sensible person would respond. Good luck Op. I hope you both sort it out.

OP, my oldest son went to a therapist and the therapist told him that he had been "emotionally abused". He told me. I was upset but went away and thought about it and realised that he had actually been emotionally neglected. So, I told him that. It was a combination of things. My youngest son was seriously ill for a time, so our focus was on him. My eldest shared a room with him so he was affected by the illness but we forgot about him for a bit. Then my dad was seriously ill, then my mum, and yet again we forgot about him.

We were still engaging with him and supporting him but, on thinking back, he was the bottom of the pile because we had so many other things going on, but we did neglect his needs as we were putting other people first thinking he was ok. He obviously wasn't.

So I owned up and profusely apologised. He accepted it and said that, apart from those years when he thought everyone else was more important than him, he knows he has parents who love him and support him.

If I had denied his distress about it all, I would have alienated him and caused him more distress.

Just try to talk to your daughter and put yourself in her shoes. As parents we do things that hurt our children without knowing we are doing it.

If you listen to her, you could mend it.

As a daughter estranged from her mother for more than 20 years, hard relate to this. It is extremely painful and you essentially grieve your parent (or the parent you would have liked them to be) while they are still alive. But it is less painful than keeping them in your life to continually hurt you. If you asked my mother why both her children are no contact with her, she would say she has no idea and it's because we were always so difficult and spiteful. The truth is that she is a vicious narcissist who cannot accept any blame for anything ever, it is always someone else's fault.

umm, therapists don’t actually ‘give advice’ the very point of therapy is to realise your own solutions and recognise patterns, reactions and deep rooted experiences and conditions that still impact your relationships and life today.

It’s most likely under closer inspection ops dd has realised just how harmed/damaged/hurt etc she has felt in the relationship with her mother.

The bottom line is op has just shrugged and said it’s not her, it’s her DD’s ‘issues’ for the least 15 months with the exception of one text about a plant. To me at least, that says everything we need to know.

At op doesn’t need to listen to her depressive moaning any longer.

Yes, having read the article attached earlier, that bit does stick out.

They do give advice! To suggest that they dont is silly. There's lots of different styles and types of therapy and therapists do make suggestions to their clients. If my chosen word of giving advice isn't the correct way to explain this, then apologies for this but i didnt realise the word police would be out!

OP I've read your messages and I don't think I'm really any clearer on your daughter's reasons or any of it. I will say I have a complex relationship with my mum, we aren't no contact (I am no contact with my dad since I was 21) but I am going to therapy partially about my childhood and generational trauma, but also to address a lot of other things that are purely about me. It's all connected, imo.

That's not saying "my mum was shit" she wasn't (she does love to say that though and it drives me bonkers because it just feels very woe is me). I don't expect a perfect mum, I don't think it's possible for anyone to be a perfect parent. But also I do want to process some of what happened back then with someone who hasn't got an emotional stake in it all. I have discussed some of my childhood with her but there's things I know would upset her that actually I need to talk about and be honest with myself about. I don't intend to go NC with my mum I love her deeply but I do need distance and time away from her sometimes or I feel quite overwhelmed and stressed. We feed on each others anxiety and we have both realised that isn't healthy thankfully, which has helped when people go "ooh I see MY mum everyday" or whatever. Cool but everyone is different. We simply could not.

I can't say how your daughter feels, I don't know whether her therapist (counsellor, psychotherapist, other?) has an agenda or whatever or is properly qualified (I found mine via the BACP site which displays their membership and qualifications). None of us can. All you can do is honestly sit with the info you do have from her in her messages and reflect on what she has told you, not hypothesise about things she hasn't told you or doesn't want to tell you. What has she said, what do you think it might refer to? That's it, really.

Personally I don't agree that NC is a new trend, we just have more words for it and online spaces to talk about it. My mum was "black sheep of the family", my stepdad "banned" his siblings from the house when he fell out with them, and some people just make it hard to contact them or move country to make contact harder. Those things have always happened but the internet means we talk about it more openly.

"Everybody was darling. At least you were seen as attractive"

That's so awful. Hope you're ok now penwell. 😥

OP - could you take that ‘incoherent’ reply to a therapist of your own and see if you can unpick what it might mean.

Then come back to your daughter - tell her you have started to work on it and ask her for a group therapy session where the two of you can talk through the issues with a mediator.

You are a wonderful mother. 💐

I cut my mother out of my life because her new husband sexually abused me when I was 11 and she refused to believe me.
Do you think I 'have it coming to me' for that?