My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

Just to offer another POV. Im the child who would say my mum is anxious, and she's the mother who would refuse to accept that and would think I'm being ridiculous.

If I tell her of any minor problem or worry in my life, her reaction is somewhat extreme. I think this is her attempt at empathy, or trying to sympathise and then fix things for me? It can be a minor issue (to me) that I'll be moaning about in an offhand way, in the way my friends and i will vent about work etc and She'll react in a way like it's a catastrophe, offer multiple implausible and unasked for solutions, and then follow up by asking about it for days after, urging me to find a solution, when I'm not particularly bothered about it any more.

I've interpreted this as her being anxious and it's stopped me sharing any minor stressors with her because it doesnt help, it makes it worse if anything.

From her point of view, perhaps she feels like she has to find solutions to my problems because she's the parent and I'm the child? I'm not sure.

Anyway, perhaps your DD feels the same. Maybe your response to her worries seems like youre overly anxious to her, and it's made her feel unable to share with you any more.

Regardless, I think you should go for talking therapy to seriously try to uncover what she could mean. You're currently bring extremely dismissive of what she feels, calling her reasons "incoherent". They're obviously very big, clear, and real to her.

Once you've committed to therapy, perhaps she'd be willing to engage in group therapy with you and her dad.

You won't rebuild your relationship with her by continuing to deny any part in your estrangement.

I wonder if this is the OP's anxieties.

If she doesn't hear from them at lunchtime every day she's worried they might have been harmed. So the children are expected to check in with her so that she doesn't get anxious.

This became a burden on her DD (obviously) who decided to stop doing it because it's the OP's issue, not the daughter's. Simultaneously, the DD is also anxious because she's learned it from the OP.

I wonder also if the honeymoon was part of that.

Imagined conversation:
OP: where are you going on honeymoon?
DD: we're thinking of going on safari [possibly because we'll be out of contact for a couple of weeks]
OP: isn't that dangerous? Will you be able to contact us?
DD: it will be fine, but we will be out of contact.
OP: I know, why don't we come with you? I've always wanted to go on safari. We'll pay!
DD: But, but [but we get a safari holiday paid for] OK

After the honeymoon, DD and DSIL discuss how difficult it was. DSIL says DD needs help. DD gets help. Therapist says set a boundary about calls.

And here we are.

** I started this post at 11 but then had visitors so apologies if the conversation has moved on.

I had therapy and had to tell my mum she was causing me massive issues she wasn’t even aware of! It’s a shame your daughter wasn’t more specific.

This.

Op you need to try and remember the exact words your DD said to you, even if you thought / still think they were not coherent.
There lies the clue you are seeking.

This. These words (whatever your initial judgement was of them) are very important.

I agree with this!

Yes, I would be really interested to know exactly what these incoherent replies actually say.

Maybe it truly is garbled word salad. Maybe you can't understand because you're not actually listening.

My DD hasn't spoken to me for more than 18 months and even before then it was extremely erratic for years. She's always been self opinionated and self righteous - it's her way or the highway and appears to have zero tolerance for anything that doesn't meet her perfectionist standards. It appears to have got worse after she saw a therapist some years ago and probably after getting married. There is probably tiddly squat you can do about it. After years of living in hope, trying to have sensible discussions and being rejected, and getting emotionally distraught about it for years, I've finally given up and moved on. It's tough - especially with all the memories of when they were a delightful caring dd, but when that's clearly gone, it's important to re-identify yourself not just as mother but as your own person with your own life - a life, for whatever reason, she's decided not to be a part of. As for therapists, the irony is that I'm one myself but wouldn't dream of encouraging a client to abandon a parent - unless they were an axe murderer! We all need to learn some tolerance in life and accept that a) our mothers/fathers are not perfect b) we are all different, have different vulnerabilities and shouldn't expect everyone to think, feel and behave in the same way we do. You are not alone and you will get through this. Enjoy finding new things to nurture and enrich you.

I haven't suggest trying anything other then that OP tries thearpy herself to either cope with the situation or get some further insight.

She already tried letter and text and got nothing back - so clearly not working - I haven't suggest she tried anything else just asked what happened she she already did.

A PP suggested the OP DD was waiting - I asked if she agreed with that or not - if she had that impression - I wasn't suggesting a course of action but trying to get further insight to what OP perception of the situation was.

Does kind of illustrates why it's so hard to find help - it's unquie situation/set of circustances for every family that leads to NC - while there may be general themes - and outsiders have their own baggage and preconceptions which aren't always as insightful as they feel. I would say OP no-one here can really help you - even if they are NC with relatives the why or how it came about will likely differ and the impact can as well- so would suggest some RL support for yourself.

You went on honeymoon with them?!

Your daughter hasn't been in contact since Aug 2024, and you've not driven 2 hours to see if you can speak to her? thats madness

I have gone low contact with my mother, she would write a post identical to this because she is constantly in a state of denial. Anything uncomfortable or inconvenient to her is batted away and completely ignored.

When i was pregnant and couldn't cope with my anxiety and emotions I saw a therapist, and she helped me uncover years of childhood neglect and emotional abuse. Things I had buried and excused my whole life.

Its never been the same, and she wont admit to a thing. Whenever I mention it she changes the subject and acts as though I'm crazy.

Its more peaceful for me to just stay away.

You seem to have a very idealised view of therapists. I was one myself and was well aware of many professionally trained therapists who would certainly encourage clients to go no contact. There is an epidemic of this going on right now and while some parents are undoubtedly "toxic", many more are decent humans who have done a perfectly acceptable job of bringing up their children and are left devastated hy the sudden severe crisis of their adult offspring cutting them off like this. But hey they're Boomers and have ruined the world so who cares about them?

I also think it's possible for adult children - in their twenties and thirties - to be massively absorbed and entitled. Rather than accepting that adult life has its challenges and that they must do their imperfect best to rise to these challenges, they seek to blame everything on their parents. It's a kind of prolonged toddlerhood/infantile rage.

While there are parents with severe mental health issues and/or whose own upbringing meant they have damaged their children via abuse and neglect, most have done their best in their particular circumstances. Adulthood means recognising this and acknowledging the positives - rather than focusing relentlessly on the negatives.

Like all parents, I've made errors - because there is no manual and you have to try and work it out as you go along.

I would never dream of writing a letter of apology unless I genuinely felt that I had behaved badly in a particular situation. Essentially if grownup sons and daughters want to throw their toys out of the pram, I think there comes a point where you have to let them get on with it - while hoping that at some later point sanity will prevail.

You leave the door open sufficiently for them to come back to you when they have truly grown up. In the mean time, I believe that the best thing you get on with your life.

I do find this astonishing. I can’t imagine a situation where this would be okay. You’re giving her the money on condition she takes you and her father? Just why?

What have I just read.

Hi OP. Considering you left out some important details about this issue. I would say you are both grown up. If you both can seat down, and put your egos aside without pointing fingers as to you did this or you said that. But listen to one another you might actually find a solution. It could be something you don't deem important or might have said something in the past or the way you react and handle certain situations. To you it might not mean anything but to your daughter it might stick and affect her in a long term. You mentioned that you guys were fine and had a good relationship before. Chances are while you felt you guys were having a good relationship, for her she might have been suppressing some grievances whether small or big...she might have been tolerating as you are mother and daughter after all but a person can only bottle up so much until you can't take it anymore. So you both need to seat down and address those issues whether small or big, even if its not important to you and vice versa. Let it all out and find a solution and if you make some changes but it somehow still doesn't change then atlist you would know you have tried to fix and and tried your best. There will be no one to blame but fate. Or like someone said, it could be the new husband twisting things behind. I really hope you guys can work it out. Best of luck.

It’s not that simple! OP driving 2 hours to see her DD might result in DD not opening the door or feeling harassed. And I say that from experience! In a nice world DM turning up on the doorstep and sitting down and having a real heart felt conversation might solve everything but, OP not getting in the car and driving for two hours to see DD is not the problem.

He phones me/us at lunchtime most days

@KJCP I know in some families this is normal, is it something you expect - your adult child to phone you every day?

Would you return, when, having posted in distress, all the initial responses were along the lines of 'I don't believe you' 'it must be your fault' 'I'd like to hear the daughter's side'?

I wouldn't Not because I'm not be prepared to take advice, but because it must feel like a pile on of people who think I'm lying and an awful parent, when I'm already at my lowest.

Edited because I missed a page. Well done @KJCP for returning. This thread must have been a really tough read for you

I'm actually waiting for the post that slags off the sons wife or girlfriend.

How does this thread have so many therapists. My BS detector is flashing.

No one knows because OP didn't try, it would be the least I'd expect from anyone that's estranged as a way of trying to make context- at least once!, texts/messages etc can all be misconstrued but your mum turning up in person might be enough to break through

Not all therapists are good or effective.
I'm studying counselling and psychology and ssometimes therapy reminds me of AI
Like some therapists just feedback to their clients whatever they want to hear,
They validate them and support them in doing things that they wouldn't neccassarily have done.
So the therapists personality will affect the type of therapy they give.
Thats why really good therapists have very long waiting lists and earn a lot of money.
Anyway, with your daughter, maybe validate her too?
Say I've reflected on what you've said and I understand that my anxiety affects you, and just stop sharing feelings with her, she does sound a bit depressed tbh
And depressed people often have limited empathy for others experience (not all depressed people obviously).
So u might get her back, but you'll kinda be strangers as you can't even share life's ups and downs, so dunno what kind of relationship that would be, but perhaps she'll be able to reflect too

Thanks, but please be aware that lots of kids are abused, and it is probably the main reason for going NC with a family member. If course the abuser rarely admits that is the reason!

Some adult kids are just selfish, completely self-absorbed and/or just arseholes. If you listen to my ex-husband he will tell you how awful his parents are and that they are to blame for all his problems in life.

In reality, he's just an arsehole and his parents (whom I know well and who have other kids/grandkids they are very close to) are nice people who have tried their best. He made his own idiotic choices in life that his parents are not to blame for.