My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

This sounds like me and my sister! She went into therapy and then her version of history changed to make everything everyone else's fault, including some entirely made-up stuff. But I'm not sure it's the fault of the therapist. I think some people go into therapy looking for validation and of course the therapist doesn't know what's true and what isn't. I often wonder if they realise they're actually treating, for example, a massive narcissist.

Sorry for you all. It must be very painful for everyone and very hard to gain any resolution without communication. Patience is really your only option atm.

Hopefully your DH and DS provide some solace and that DD also has support and kindness around her. Wishing everyone as much peace and comfort as possible.

And to the posters rushing to play the blame game. Maybe take a step back from social media. It's obviously not good for you.

I thought it was a holiday…

What a bunch of red flags you are. It is obvious that neither if you have been to therapy or engaged in a meaningful way. If it helps, yes, pretty much everything stems from childhood. How could it not?

Therapists don't care if it is true that mother said no to ice cream ten times when you were five. They help the client establish how they feel, and feelings don't lie.

exactly, and it sounds like they invited the op and then wanted them to pay for it.

I got on well with my DM but am always a bit surprised, possibly envious, of DDs who have these very close relationships with their DM. But on the other hand who wants to hang out with someone 30 years older than you !! Not me,

Feelings dont lie..... well they do if you are just making up random stuff like the poster said! Telling the therapist lies.

Yes…they were invited along in a holiday that they then had to pay for! It wasn’t her honeymoon!

A lie is not a feeling darling.

What a strange comment.

Enter stage left: the golden child (brother)
Daughter is ‘just depressed’
Son has broken his leg in a ski accident.
not just any old break. A severe break. Not just any operation, a ‘huge’ operation.
Rings mummy and daddy every lunchtime.
Lovely stuff.

Some therapists are DANGEROUS! But there still has to be something more to this, even if she’s imagining it!

Couple of things you've said jumped out at me.

"Sometimes I got fed up with the endless moans but I concealed it." - you didn't conceal it nearly as well as you thought you did. She got the message that she was boring and inconsequential to you LOUD AND CLEAR.

"When she first said she had to set boundaries I texted her husband..."
THAT'S why she needs to set boundaries. She tries to tell you something, and you immediately run to the nearest male (your husband, her husband, your son) to discuss it with them, not with her.

Maybe she has just had a psychotic break and an evil therapist is manipulating her mind. But I think it's far more likely you are looking at yourself with rose-tinted glasses, and re-framing everything she says to minimise your role and trivialise her feelings.

I have had therapy. The first person I went to was awful, pushed their own agenda, told me I must be feeling certain things that I was not and I came away somewhat traumatised by the experience. It took me a while to find someone else and risk going again, thankfully that person was great.

I know quite well 2 women who are trained counsellors. One is OK, but there is no way I would trust her /recommend her to anyone, she is just not very perceptive. I can't imagine what she is like as a counsellor.
The other woman is batshit crazy, and I am frankly appalled that she has any counselling qualifications at all.

We also have a situation in our family where an aunt had therapy, and then blamed every bad decision she had ever made on her parents and sister. Her re-writing of history was spectatular. Her parents were very ordinary nice people, who had just muddled along being ordinary parents. The whole of the rest of the family was shocked by some of her re-writing, these things just did not happen. But she threw blame widely. To give you one incident. She accused her sister of trying to kill her. I was there when she told the story. She had had a dream that her sister tried to kill her with a knife. Dreams apparently don't lie, therefore her sister must be plotting to kill her. The people present all sat there stunned. Then someone tried to suggest that maybe the dream showed more about her feelings than about her sister's motives, as her sister is not inside her head to cause a dream, but no, that was gaslighting her apparently, the dream revealed that her sister was trying to kill her. Her sister went NC with her not long after this indicent which was just the latest in a long string.

So forgive me if I have some sympathy with the idea of therapists pushing agendas and don't automatically assume that the OP is a monster. It is quite disturbing to me how quickly everyone on here is to assume that OP is a in the wrong and it is all her fault. Certainly we don't have the full picture, and the article about the missing missing reaosn is fascinating, but wow the throwing of mud has been pretty full on.

Then she said she had spent the whole session talking about ME! So that's when it happened I suppose. When she first said she had to set boundaries I texted her husband and he said he thought it was boundaries for everyone not just me. She had previous to this by several years broken off contact with her brother because he was not supportive enough when she was depressed even though at that time he had suffered a severe broken leg in a skiing accident and had undergone a huge operation. He phones me/us at lunchtime most days. I have asked him about "my anxieties" and he says he doesn't understand at all.

Does she talk to her brother now - if so what changed or triggered that?

Is it possible there is a goldren child/scape goat situation going on in their upbringing?

Is there any ND in the family - my family is diffcult both sides and I've married into similar - my generation and one below had loads of diagnosis which come under ND umbrella which may be some of the explination.

How objective and honest are people in your life - my parents have anxieties they've tried to impose but are in complete denial and no-one round wants to bring it up and get in firing line - could having some thearpy yourself help you put that to rest a bit - ( though as many PP have said many bad ones out there).

It' really hard for anyone to really help - as no-one here know what the truth is. She could have good reaons that your in denial about or she could be using NC as a form of control - have seen that in IL friendship group contact if parents do everything like pay for everything and provided childcare and threats even when parents have hospital appointments.

What happens if you send gifts or letters are they return unopened? Why weren't you ringing - I've been told not to with one of mine but she fine with whatsapp messages or when she rings.

Hm I did wonder if it was a good idea asking if anyone else has had a similar experience. So to answer some questions: I used to phone my DD but it was always a bad moment for her so it seemed better to wait for her. I sent texts and what’s app messages though. Yes I did ask her what my anxieties were but there was never a coherent reply. We said we’d pay for their honeymoon and they said only if we went too ( and we paid a small fortune but it was worth it. We all had a good time) Yes we did think of driving the 2 hours to see her but then felt she probably wouldn’t let us in or be out. Yes I have written snail mail to her telling her I’ve always and will always love her. However I think I’ve seen the light. She unburdened all her problems on to me. I used to think that was better than on to her boyfriend who became her husband so I was always sympathetic, saw everything from her point of view etc etc ( and felt exhausted afterwards). So after a rough time I would text something the next day like “ I hope you’re feeling better today xx “ That was my mistake she then thought I was anxious about her . Well of course I/we were. So every message I sent in a similar tone came across as “ my anxiety”. Worse, if we didn’t hear for several days I would text hoping she was okay. This all stems from the fact she self harmed for a long time and was on antidepressants for years. Surely she can’t think I’m still anxious about her. Can she? The last message I sent her in July was a photo of a flourishing plant she had given me saying how lovely it was. There were no blue ticks or reply

@KJCP What was in the 'incoherent' reply? What did it say word for word?

Well yes of course she can think you’re anxious on her every little feeling/move from this. It’s definitely possible.

You obviously want contact and it sounds like your daughter is waiting for something from you, she is waiting, my suggestion would be to handwrite a letter to her and apolgise for upsetting her and that you are very upset youve upset her but you respect her boundaries but want to open up lines of communication that you love and miss her etc etc

Its not your fault but lifes too short and shes waiting for you to apolagise about something, by opening up lines of communication you can move forward, to be honest if you were my mother and hadnt really sent a heartfelt reply i would be pissed off.....it doesnt matter whos right or wrong lifes too short, you are sitting in the camp of ive done nothing wrong, being right can be lonely

OP maybe some therapy for yourself would help. An outside perspective could clear up where she might be coming from. You won't fix the relationship unless you make a proper effort to understand what has gone wrong.

It sounds like your daughter has mental health issues and has for a long time. I’d write one “final” message saying you’ll always be there for her paving the way for reconciliation one day and then leave it be. As painful as that is, she’s gone too far down the rabbit hole.

I've had similar with phone calls - with siblings so stopped trying and they never made an effort withmy child try and understand and do other means of contact.

I was wondering if letters and parcels were being return - but sound like they just disappear into the void.

It's possible she feel the check in texts were your anxiety - though can see if you did nothing that could also have been seen as wrong. Perhaps texting if not heard from for a few days felt stifling to her. It's all guess work though if she not been clear - or for some resason you couldn't hear her when she did try.

She does seem to be very firmly NC though.

Do you think she waiting for something from you as PP have suggested?

Not sure what you can do - you could try your own therapy - to help deal with the situation or see if any insights can be offered with outside perspective - or very leats telling her you've tried it - see if that gets a response.

Unfortunately therapy always brings up inner child work. Without understanding her side of the Anxiety you have it's hard to advise. When I had my 3 years of therapy there was a lot of forgiving I had to do regarding my parents. But I never cut them off. A lot of learned behaviours I had to undo. My mothers constant complaining and negative bias that I adopted. I shut her down or move the topic if she starts moaning. It's taken me a lot of work to change my neural pathways. I ignore the things that may have triggered me or tell them I don't want to hear it. Sounds as if your daughter may have have a revelation around her own anxiety? or yours was causing her some upset. But to cut you off is rather extreme. I would suggest having a very honest calm discussion with her. Reaching out for clarity and how you can help her. + help yourself! Anxiety is a difficult one. You should be seeking help yourself. It killed my grandmother in the end.

@CatHairEveryWhereNow I don't think anything should be tried. I'd suggest to respect this boundary the daughter has now put in place. She's not doing this because she is waiting for something. For her the wait is already over. She likely is dealing with a lot of complex emotions and has a lot to figure out. It is not wise to try 100 different ways of contacting her.

I doubt it will land, but OP should consider a therapist for herself. It is possible to figure out much, if not all, of this without any further input from the daughter.

Yes I did ask her what my anxieties were but there was never a coherent reply.

What did she say?

This is textbook ‘missing missing reasons’: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html