Uni student DD won’t/can’t get a job!

[sweetkitty]

DD2 is in 2nd year at uni (we’re in Scotland) she enjoys it & has a flat with her bestie. She gets a student loan which pays for her rent with a little left over. I give her £160 a month for food etc so £40 per week.

She understands most students have a PT job whilst at uni but apparently she can’t find one. First year ok she was settling in, then she came home for 4 months and did absolutely nothing. Best friend organised the flat and it’s in one of the most central streets in the city, think coffee shops, independent shops, pubs on her street. Loads of shops within walking distance too. She says she’s looked and applied but as she has no experience she doesn’t get interviews (she’s only had one).

Now it’s coming up to Christmas loads of adverts for temp work but she’s done nothing. She whinges about being poor etc won’t actively job hunt but does she have to if I’m paying for her food? I can’t stop paying for it I don’t want her to starve but at the same time even a few hours a week somewhere would help.

Also I suspect she has ASD but she’s never been formally diagnosed as she didn’t see the point. She doesn’t go out or socialise. I do think she has social anxiety and hates talking to people.

Ok..and 🤷‍♀️. Some young people are more motivated than others. If you aren’t prepared to stop the handouts then she sounds like someone who is going to take advantage.

It is quite difficult when you’re bad with social interactions, but Christmas is coming up so she can easily get a job in any packing/distribution centre.

In some cities it is very very difficult for students to find work, even when they have experience.
it seems that she’s not getting excess money from you and spending it on luxuries -£40 per week is the minimum she would need.

Honestly I think it's cruel to be kind in these situations. If you always mop up after her financially, she'll never learn. I have ADHD and if my parents had been soft on me, I might never have matured. But I worked from a very young age. Nothing was given to me. And that felt tough at the time but helped me grow up.

If she has applied for 20 jobs and got nowhere, fair enough, help her out. But if she hasn't, she should. Cafés, restaurants, bars, shops, tourist attractions - plenty of places to try.

I don’t think £40 is her taking the piss tbf, assuming you can afford it. It sounds like she struggles, it’s unusual to not go out at all as a second year student. I’d try to be encouraging of a job she’d find less scary, or even some volunteering or joining a society, or something to build up her confidence and skills.
i think it’s fair to just not engage with the moaning though, tell her you’ll help her with job apps or interview prep when she’s ready but you don’t want to hear the same whining over and over when she’s not doing anything about it, change the subject

How was she allowed to just sit around for 4 months between 1st and 2nd year?
Also, come to that, between A-levels (or Highers) and University?

It isn't just the money, it is reaching whatever age she will be when she graduates without any experience of the world of work she should be worrying about.

I have adhd and had two jobs at uni. I got nothing from my parents. Just keep telling her if she moans that she’ll need a job.

To be fair it is also about your parenting. My daughter had a volunteer job in an oxfam at 14, then with that on her cv she secured another job at 16 then it built to bar work at 18 and so on. I found her the volunteer job and the job at 16, she sorted the rest herself.

Shops like Tesco are advertising for Christmas staff just now seen the advert so other places will be getting temp staff too.

Have you helped her? Looked at her CV? Discussed with her current vacancies if there are any and how she can structure her application?
You suspect ASD therefore you should parent as if she has ASD. Which means scaffolding to support and gradually withdrawing as she builds her confidence in these situations.
£40/week is bare minimum and those saying she’s taking advantage clearly have no idea about the finances of university students in 2025 or living with ASD.
It might be better to work up to a summer job rather than adding term-time work into the study mix. One thing at a time

Cut back what you're giving her.

She will have no hope of getting a job when she graduates if she hasn't worked.

At 14 my parents refused to buy me any clothes other than school uniform and told me to find a "saturday" job like my friends if I wanted fancy clothes. I got myself a few shifts in the local chip shop and worked there on and off for the next 6 years. Even after I began full time work I did a couple of shifts a week there because it was cash in hand.

So I would not be supporting a lazy daughterafter I had shelled out for her to go to uni. I can foresee her coming home with her 2/2 degree clutched in her hot little hand and settling in at home for a free ride. No, she would find herself locked out with her clothes in a bin bag and the locks changed. Its called tough love.

My DD is also in 2nd year at uni, it her first year she was unable to find a job despite applying for about 70 positions (she worked in a charity shop over the summer before she went)
She got a job over the summer when she was at home which was only contracted 8 hrs/week although she often got extra shifts.

"Getting a Christmas job" is actually not all that feasible for uni students. A lot want you to start in October- but (understandably) commit to work over the Xmas period - when uni students are generally home. DD had a few interviews asking if she could work Xmas eve, boxing day and NYE. Working Xmas eve or boxing day would mean DH or I driving her back to the uni city as there's no public transport

There’s a big difference between won’t and can’t.

maybe find out which it is first?

Cut her money. Sorry but at 20 she needs to understand that money comes from personal effort. Stop buying treats.

I don't accept the 'it's hard to find work in some cities'. That translates to 'I can't be bothered to look.'.

My ds17 doesn't like talking to people either but has a job, while still at school. I helped him with his cv, organised a few weeks volunteering in a charity shop to give him some experience, and he got the 2nd job he applied for.

She has to get over this or it will be the excuse she uses for the rest of her life.

Similar problem here. Worked at home over summer though.
I’m torn between getting strict about it, or accepting it. It grates though.

At my childrens' university the poor kids had a job in no time. The better off children hadn't.
It was the same then I went to university.

I would tell her to get a voluntary job somewhere, as that will help her to get experience and confidence. If you don't want to stop the money, then warn her that if she doesnt get a voluntary job then next year she wont be having money from you.

She may be struggling to get work, but she can help herself by volunteering. And knowing that she wont be supported next year can be the motivation. There are plenty of volunteering jobs, she needs to be doing something to help herself.

If the dd has ASD this is about as wrong as it could get.

Totally agree with this. DC1 is a Barista and has struggled. They work in the holidays instead and save most of the money that they earn.

Also agree that if you suspect ASD you need to start parenting as though she has ASD and helping her to succeed.

So see if she will do sone charity work at the weekend to gain some work experience. Then look at her CV avd get her to practice some interview skills.

Then look at trouble either letting this slide now is that this time next year she will be looking at securing a Graduate job avd if she has now work experience at all, not many employers are going to want to take a chance with her, they’ll go with the ones who can prove they can hold down a job.

Have you talked to her recently about being assessed for ASD again?

Seriously who would do that !
£40 a week is the bare minimum
Support her and encourage her
None of mine worked term time ,I wanted them to concentrate on their studies
Eldest got a brilliant degree and walked into a great job

She may be struggling there is a lot of competition for work atm and uni students may not be their ideal candidates.

Does your DD only have £40 a week to live off? I don't mean to be rude at all but most students have at least £100 my DD also has all her meals on top of that in catered halls.

Sorry I forgot to ask, how many hours of contact time does she have in Uni as this will affect her ability to get a job.

If she’s say a Medical Student then yes, some do work but it’s not advised due to the amount of tube they spend in lectures, on placement, travelling and studying. If she’s doing English Literature though, well she should have time available between lectures to make a job work.

Probably my “D”M. There is a reason we hardly ever see one another.