Would you let your 18 and older child go out with whoever they want, wherever they want and whenever they want even if still living at home? Why or why not? How would you go about it?

[HangryGreyBiscuit]

Complex topic in my view, and would like views from fellow parents.

DD is 21 now so no longer applies but at around 18 I just said "You don't have to do this because you're an adult but I do really appreciate you letting me know if you're going out/warn me if you're going to be back late just so I don't worry."

And I always made sure to thank her when she actually did this.

I think texting and Whats App makes it easier.

She once surprised me by saying a lot of her friends' parents were still hardly them letting them out on their own.

By 18 I think you need to be relying on the values you’ve brought your daughter up with. I was still at home at 18. My mum never put any restrictions on my movements or social circle but by 18 I was an adult and showed respect for my mum. I told her vaguely where I was going, when I expected to be home by and if I was out later than midnight or not coming home I would let her know, so she didn’t worry about my safety. She in return said that I could always call her at any time of night, if I was stuck somewhere and she would pick me up.

You can’t expect to control what time your daughter goes out or comes home, or who she is seeing and spending time with when she’s out. However, you can talk to her adult to adult and state any concerns you have and hope that she sees your point of view.

Yes, they’re an adult. If I didn’t approve for some reason they could move out.

Yes mine are 18 and 21 and as long as they are quiet when they get in they can do what they want.

When my 18 year old was living at home her and her friends didn’t even go out for a drink until 10pm!

Come and go really at 18 but we all let each other know if we are going out, roughly where we will be and when we will be back. Dc always would say if they would be around for supper. We never tracked each other and we let each other know if we will be late etc.

They’re an adult. How would you stop them?

When 2 of mine were 18, they were in college and working part time. They would tell me where they were going and a rough time they'd be back. I didn't know any of their friends either from college or work. Now at 24 (with a 2 year old) and 21, both still living at home, they still tell me where they're going. I wouldn't dream of trying to stop them at 18. But if I thought they might be heading for a bad situation (which they weren't, thankfully) I would have had a chat with them.

There is hardly much family time going on if bedtime is way before 8pm! Why should she just be sat at home on her own.

I agree. I tend to get up around 5am but even I don’t go to bed that early!

I’ve really struggled with the transition of living with adult children. Going from knowing where they are all the time to accepting they can do what they like (I hope dc haven’t realised the struggle btw it’s just it’s definitely a transition and can be hard and I have some sympathy)

That said - she is telling you she’s going out, even if last minute- I don’t think she can do much more. It sounds fine to me.

I’ve been trying to instill in my dc that whilst they don’t have to tell me their plans, it’s kind and respectful if they do, even if it’s just I’m going to the pub. I might stay over at x tonight. We’re all getting there slowly!!

My kids are still little but I’m hoping for the kind of respect I grew up with, telling each other about coming and going (note or text would be fine!) and as they get older giving some guidance on good/bad choices and more importantly how to escape a bad situation. If they go somewhere they shouldn’t, I would still want them home safe!

Is you DD working, going to college? Doing other things?

I never told my mum where I was going at that age but I would tell her if I was staying out all night.

There was always an emergency stash of cash for me in her top drawer if I needed to get home for any reason and didn’t have any funds. That was about it really

I agree - behave like you’d expect any other adult in the household to behave

My dd will soon be turning 18 during her last year of regular school. Then she will leave for university a few months later. The window she is still at home, the rules aren’t going to change substantially.

editing to add that our parenting philosophy is generally that teens shouldn’t have rules that don’t also apply to the adults so there is not really any chafing anyway.

Well mine expects meals made for him and laundry done so I wouldn't say he's living an adult life.
He always asks before going for a night out but I'm not sure what he'd do if I said no!
But dh and I also ask each other before we go out, as we need to work together as a family.

I’m 26 and at home still because the rental situation in my area is fucked. Even worse than the buying situation!

yes, I’m allowed to come and go as I please. But all things considering I’m pretty respectful and responsible. I won’t come back pissed at 3am and wake everyone up, for example. This type of living is becoming more normal as the market gets worse, so I don’t think it’ll change any time soon.

Eh? They are 18 and adults. Is this a trick question - how would you ‘let’ or ‘not let’ them do anything? You have raised them, and now you need to trust they know right from wrong and will make the right choices (for them). Obviously being polite about letting you know they’ve gone out, if they’ll be back for dinner, etc is just common courtesy.

If you're living at home at 18 with most of your meals cooked, not paying bills and having your washing done etc then yes, you owe it to your parents to let them know roughly where you're going and what time you'll be back. Also about anything that's going to impact the rest of the household, such as bringing a gang of mates back. I know you're officially an adult at 18 but you can't truly call yourself one unless you are living a totally independent life. You can't have things both ways.

Why are you in bed at 8pm, are you unwell?
Or do you mean 8am?

Perhaps she starts work at 5am.

I do but 8pm is early even for me!

This is something you start working on years in advance; making good friends, making good choices, having a safety net.

What's the issue with this?

Is it because she's not saying where she is/when she expects to be home and you are worried? Or do you think she should ask permission before you go to bed/not go out when you are asleep?

Context would also be helpful. There's a difference between an 18 y o who is still in full time education and one who has finished that stage and is working/at uni/college. Our house agreement with DS19 is different now, when he's on a gap year and working full time, compared to a few months ago when he was 18 and in Y13 finishing his A-Levels.

My children never had to ask permission but I always expected a text if not coming home.No noise coming in late etc Never worried about behaviour/ drugs etc because they were all sensible.