Would you let your 18 and older child go out with whoever they want, wherever they want and whenever they want even if still living at home? Why or why not? How would you go about it?

[HangryGreyBiscuit]

Complex topic in my view, and would like views from fellow parents.

What do you do/think though?

Well, I did, so there’s no way I could, or would, stop my children.

Yes. I do. But must caveat that as their friends are lovely and I’ve got no concerns about them. I’d be worried in different circumstances, but I’m not sure you can do anything other than talk and explain your concerns?

Not necessarily, eg if negatively impacting the rest of the household.

They’re adults at 18 so…….. 🧐

My 18yo is in year 13 and I wouldn't let her go out to a party on a school night. She's never asked to do that though.

I have a DD who thinks she can get up at 8pm while I am asleep and then go out at that very minute, just popping me a note that she is going, she is not disturbing me but its awkward and I don’t know how to react.

I have a DD who thinks she can get up at 8pm while I am asleep and then go out at that very minute, just popping me a note that she is going, she is not disturbing me but its awkward and I don’t know how to react.

Yes but there would be conversation if the people they were hanging out with were doing dodgy stuff or if them coming home affected the working people who are asleep in the house. I would talk about the consequences to them that are out of my control ie police or anti-social behaviour.

Ds recently came home at 4am, he is so quiet, I didn't hear the door, or him silencing the alarm on entry or resetting the alarm to come to bed. He is 22.

At this point all you can do is talk and advise. If they are fucking it all up in year 13 then the conversation would be about not living at home forever etc.

Would you let her go without knowing people/place etc?

I don't see how you think you can stop an adult from doing something, unless you kick them out of course. Why do you go to bed so early?

Of course, because I trust them both to make good choices.

I think you have to trust that you have raised them well. Both my sons would say where they were going though, ie rock climbing and usually with the same mates.

How would she respond if you asked her where she was going? There is a shift from asking permission to go somewhere to being interested in where they are going, does that make sense? I have always told my children what time roughly I will be back it is just courtesy.

They are legal adults so yes

An 18 year old wouldn't need to ask permission to do something though, that's an adult! It isnt up to you what your adult child does. You can certainly ask them not to live with you anymore if something about their behaviour bothers you, but they don't need permission from you for anything they want to do!

Why do you think it’s awkward? She is 18, so she is an adult and therefore can go out wherever she pleases, whenever. At least she has the courtesy to leave you a note!

I have an 18yo daughter. She generally asks my permission before going anywhere, unless she’s already out and is moving onto another location, but then she will text to let me know where she is.
I expect to know who she is with and where she is going, for her own safety. Although 18 is classed as an adult, my daughter is no way an adult yet, she still needs a lot of guidance. She would not leave the house without telling me, she would wake me. Saying this, my dd and I are extremely close.
Maybe I’m a little strict but in this world, I like to keep my kids as safe as possible.
What works for one family might not work for another though.

Going out at 8pm is completely normal.

I disagree with this. When living at home
with your parents you should respect their rules and let them know what your plans are and when to expect you home.

Going out at 8pm is very normal. My DD goes out at that time for some late choir rehearsals.

it’s an unusually early time for you to be asleep.

I have a suspicion that this may be a reverse, purely on the basis that the daughter sounds way too reasonable for anyone to have a problem with it!

When / whether to expect you home, fair enough, that’s common courtesy for anyone sharing a house.

But unreasonable to expect to know their plans unless they want to share.

A school boarding house would not allow an 18 year old complete freedom to come and go any time they pleased.

I have 2 children, son and daughter, who were 18 during sixth form, and then went to university and were home during holidays then lived in their own homes. My daughter had a short spell of about six months back here with her child after the end of a marriage in her late twenties.

While they were still at school but over 18 I did have rules like being in at a certain time on a school day, letting me know if they weren't coming home and where they were spending the night if not coming home. I also had a rule that that only people they were in relationships with could stay over in their rooms, absolutely no one night stands or strangers to stay. ( Fine for friends that I knew to stay over).

After they finished school I just wanted to know if they weren't coming home and kept with the no strangers/ one night stands rule. Never had any issues with my son, had one horrible incident with daughter when she brought back a man she'd picked up in a club, I went downstairs and had the awful situation of telling a drunk man all over my daughter to leave my own house and him refusing until I actually had the phone in my hand to call the police. Never happened again thank god.

If your daughter goes out at 8pm and comes in at an appropriate time to get enough sleep for school what is the problem?

I was at home, studying to be a nurse working night shifts, agency shifts as a HCA etc. Wild to me that other parents wouldn’t let their young adults be young adults?