Would you let your 18 and older child go out with whoever they want, wherever they want and whenever they want even if still living at home? Why or why not? How would you go about it?

[HangryGreyBiscuit]

Complex topic in my view, and would like views from fellow parents.

Once they've left school/college and they're 18 then yes absolutely, with a few caveats that they're not doing anything majorly illegal (for example like drug dealing) or doing stuff that affects the rest of the family (I.e. inviting friends back for a party at 2am).

At 18 I had moved for Uni, as is often the case, so my mother never knew where I was or who I was with. I don't think she owes you that much detail TBH, maybe just whether she'll be back that night or whether she's staying at a mate's

I wouldn't ban him from doing anything, but if he started going out late on 'school' nights regularly I'd advise him to slow down. That's unlikely as he is a very diligent student, plus he liked his sleep and doesn't like to stay out late. He's 17 now and, for example, there's an event he likes to go to but it's on Sundays on the other side of London and therefore a late night, and so he only goes during holidays.

He tells us what he's doing, and now and then we will say it's a bit much for one week or whatever, and he accepts it when we do as it doesn't happen often.

I think at this age one can advise, so easier if you are light touch about that and only when it's really potentially an issue, but you can't really stop them doing anything.

Yes. However I trust my children and we have open communications so I always knew who they were with and where abouts they were

Oldest is 26 youngest 21. All 4 managed this well.

Is there an issue with going out at 8pm?

Whatever age they are, if living at home, I would expect some common courtesy. That would include coming in quietly if late, letting me know if they weren’t coming home at all and had previously said they would be, and a vague idea of what was going on. Not to control them, purely as a looking after each other. I would equally tell them the same about me.

Here it is about acceptable rules so when I lived at home as an adult mine wanted to know if I was home for dinner (so she could make it) and if I was staying out at night (so didn’t worry) expected me to make my uni lectures (so not missing school/work) and if she was asleep not make too much noise

I have two adult DC currently at home. We have discussed this very conundrum and whilst I do not restrict their movements, I like to know who is going to be at home and who will be out. They are adults and I expect them to behave responsibly and that means being respectful to me as the homeowner and not taking the piss and treating the house as a hotel and me as staff.

@HangryGreyBiscuit you have to work out what you are happy with and then have the conversation with your DD. You can always say that you will put things in place for a test period and see how they go. It can be open to revision and compromise, nothing needs to be set in stone.

How do you plan to stop an adult from doing what they want to do?

At 18 my DS was working. We had a bit of a problem when he first discovered a pub that would serve him and his friends at 17 and would come back really late. Think we then said for him to be back by midnight on a weekday because of waking others but I soon learned to sleep through without worrying, and weekdays he realised he needed his sleep to be fully on the ball for work. And after that, all socialising was stopped through Covid lockdown.

We were probably lucky that he had really nice friends at this time so if we asked who is was with, it was more conversational as part of an interest in how his old school friends were doing.

I’m not sure I quite get the bit about your DD getting up and going out at 8 pm and leaving you a note so as not to disturb as I don’t get why you are all asleep at this point anyway. Do you work shifts ?

Yes

I think common courtesy and respect apply, but that’s the case in all relationships eg I let my DH if I’m going out, I don’t have noisy visitors over when he’s sleeping off a night shift. So just that common sense and respect for others.
But 18 is an adult. I was only home half the time at that age, often stayed at my boyfriend or friends houses, worked long hours, liked to go clubbing and to pubs.

Mine were allowed to do whatever they wanted once they were 18 and finished 6th form. One of them was working nights so stopping him leaving the house in the middle of the night wouldn't have been a good idea. They are all pretty sensible, don't drink, so not likely to get into drunken trouble. Most I expect is telling me if they'll miss dinner.

Yeah. I have 18 and 20 year old and I let them get on with it. They are adults.

Yes I would as long as they were attending school/college/work.

if they were not then my financial assistance would end up

Yes. I can’t understand why some parents are so desperate to exercise full control over their adult DC just because they’re living in the same home. What difference does it make to me if DD wants to go on a night out? The only thing I care about is that she’s safe and happy. As long as they’re not raving in the kitchen until 3am on a work night then personally I don’t see what the issue is!

Yes, but we ask him to be respectful of time and noise, especially early in the week as we both work and have a school-aged kid.

Doesn't stop me worrying though until he tips in at 3 am at weekends.

Yes mine were allowed to do so at 18. Going out at 8pm is perfectly reasonable, I’m surprised you are in bed so early.

If your dd was 18 and in uni, she could do that you’d been none the wiser.

My 18 year olds were allowed to do that as long as the fulfilled their responsibilities like school, college and part-time work.

I had sons and they were pretty much allowed to come and go as they pleased at this age, they were all in further education at 18 and the youngest also had a job at this age.
Obviously at some point, they came in late and made noise and then I’d say the next day that they needed to be quieter- for the most part I always knew where they were and so long as they maintained their responsibilities with college/work/ house stuff it was ok.
However my friends daughter was a menace!!!she would go out, nobody knew where she was, she’d ring and ask for money to be left for the taxi - she’d actually wake me up to lend her my keys to her house so she could get in (having forgotten her own key) and she’d make food and leave.a mess and oversleep the next day - so I think had she lived at mine my story would be very different.

We set out minimum expectations at 18.

So they must attend school or college and be on time.

Going out on a school night ok if homework/study up to date.

Must be respectful of other people in the household ( no late night showers that disturb people trying to get to sleep, no coming in late and being noisy)

If they want girl/boyfriends staying over they ask first.

We keep out of their relationships but make sure they know they can talk to us if things are worrying them ( DD has had one awful boyfriend and it was so hard waiting for her to see what we could see)

If staying out they should let us know by sending a text and ideally tell us where they are.

We don't track them but have occasionally discussed and agreed sharing location if they were going abroad or going to a big event that involves travelling a distance back late at night.They understand this is just to stop us worrying and so we can help easily if something goes wrong.

I have one in second year of college age 17 and one who works full time age 20.

We seem to rub along ok.

Of course they can do as they please, they're an adult. If they were committing crime or abusing anyone I would tell them to leave the house or if call the police though.

And I might not agree to certain friends of theres hanging around my house.

I was working full time at 18 so my mum couldn't have stopped me doing anything anyway.

I think at 18 you need to have an eye on the next stage. My ds lives in a different country. He's 20. I would be worrying much more about him if he hadnt built up to living on his own and doing exactly what he pleases. He built up to it because by 18, he had freedom and security (freedom to come and go, to be treated more like an adult than a kid and security - knowing we were there, would always be on his team and didn't negatively judge his life so that he had to keep secrets) to live a bit.

I did.

It wasn't my business

I just expected to be told when/if they'd be home

And ideally a rough idea of where they were going if possible

Of course

You rarely know all their friends once they hit secondary school