How to handle your children not saying a word to you?

[scarff]

One is 21 and working, living at home. The other is in her final year of school and busy with exams. They will say a hello if they see me and they stay in their rooms (or desk when the older one is wfh) the whole time they're home. They've got nothing to say and I'm so tired of acting all normal and asking them about their day etc. to be met with strained two or three word answers as if they can't wait to get away from me, or sometmes they'd pretend not to even hear me. I can't explain how soul crushing it is, I might start some anecdote in the hope that they'll warm to it and talk normally (which has been known to happen, though rarely) to be met with silence and no reaction. When they go out with friends they're completely normal, or they're normal to me in front of their friends. Sometimes I go out for hours just walking the streets to get away from them and their disinterest in me. The most hilarious thing is that if it's my birthday they'll give me a loving birthday card and then go back to ignoring me. Honestly, we live in the same house but they have more contact with literally anybody else they know than with me. Teachers, bus drivers, whatever. I especially hate the weekends because my friends tend to spend time with their families and it's as if I don't have a family when I do. When I suggest things to do together 95% of the time one of them will say no. They will never suggest anything, unless it's my birthday or Mother's Day. Can anybody relate? How should I handle this? Sometimes my grief turns into intense anger and I ignore them back, just going out and staying out any time they're home to get away from them, but that seems like childish behaviour to me and I stop after a day or two. Not that it makes a difference to their behaviour. Talking to them doesn't help either.

Do you work? If they are both busy and you're drifting around the house it might be upsetting the dynamic a bit if they are feeling like you're interrupting them when they're working. If you're also out the house for most of the day at work and they are still not talking then that's a bit different

After a few years of DD only doing things with me if a) it interested her for some particular reason and b) I footed the entire bill… I stopped inviting. We’ll still do things together on occasion, but only if she mentions it first, otherwise it’s only at home watching TV. The constant refusals were soul crushing and made me feel very low and disposable.

I got nothing for Mother’s Day. She kindly paid for her half of the takeaway, that’s it.

I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or social media warping their minds, but I do find young adults very selfish. There’s a difference between self care and selfishness.

I do work so I never disturb them during working hours.

Thank you, you understand me perfectly. This is them exactly, except they won't watch TV downstairs either. Only from their laptops cos they won't spend a second of their lives in any kind of family activity.

Are they boys?

Girls.

This is so sad. Makes me think of what my mum told me - it was only when I had my DC (at 25) that we really started getting along, because suddenly I understood everything she'd done for me. We are very close now. Apparently the brain doesn't fully develop until about age 25?
Can you try and find a new hobby or spend more time with friends?

This sounds very sad OP. Have you sat them down and told them how this makes you feel?

I think you need to create your own life. Are you single?

This sounds heartbreaking. I've no real advice. DS20 does his own thing a lot but also comes and talks (at me) for ages and ages. He's not very good at listening to stuff he's not interested in, but providing I fake an interest in Jude Bellingham or someone then he will talk to me for hours about stuff he likes.

He also plays me 2 minute clips of music he likes and says 'do you like this?' and I make vague noises or occasionally say 'It's not really my thing'.

Well then it's all pretty shit 😢

I hope that'll be the case @Likeaburstcouch

I have told them but it only made it worst. Eldest blew up that I was pinning my happiness on them so I never brought that up with her again. I told the younger one several times and she said we've had this conversation before and this is just her personality (Only with me thought)

It is. Sometimes I'll focus on other things and forget how shit it is, but eventually it comes back to feeling it

I hear you. Never chooses to spend a minute in my company except under sufferance, then I’ll get a gushing Mother’s Day/birthday card telling me what an amazing mum I am and that she’d be lost without me. 🤷‍♂️ It does sometimes feel like I’m being gaslit. I’m hoping she will mature and come out the other side.

Do you cook for them and do their washing? I would have a conversation with them both and tell them how you feel. Say that you would like them to eat with you one day a week etc. I would also say that you expect some common decency and for them to ask how you are etc and that you are not there just to look after them. My DD likes to spend time with her friends or in her room alone but she always sits down for at least 5 mins when she gets in from college. Sometimes we talk on the phone in the same hiuse as she finds this easier if she needs to discuss something important.
I would also look to start broadening your social life OP.

This is so sad.

I think I might ask the older one to leave on the basis that why should you share your home and food etc with someone who clearly doesn't like you and surely she'd be happier without you moping around in the background anyway.

Of course you wouldn't mean it but if you're a good enough actress, it might make her think?

Or find a new man and have loud sex at inappropriate times 🤭

The other is in her final year of school and busy with exams.
Dare I ask what the plan is? Is she expecting you to help with University (buying stuff, being taxi, financing her, etc)

That’s so sad scarff. I truly hope one or both start appreciating you more as they get older. 💐

I think it's normal for them to spend lots of time in their rooms, but this seems extreme and bordering on being quite cruel to you.

If the eldest can't even fein kind, social conversation with you then perhaps they should move out!

Also curious with the younger one what their plans are for uni/work/life.

I assume while they're pretending you don't exist, you are cooking and washing their laundry etc?! 😔 I'd be so disappointed if my kids were behaving like this.

OP get busy and don't share your private life with them.

I have a “no TV in bedroom” rule at home and she doesn’t have a laptop since she refuses to buy one with her own money (hers got stolen when she left the place unlocked, along with a few of my things…) so I fear she has no choice but to watch TV with me. It’s good though, I find it bonding - it just makes me sad that we don’t do anything but watch TV. Even asking her to help me with grocery shopping is a drama.

I agree with everyone else - focus on yourself and build your own community. I’m not local so it required a lot of trial and error and it can be quite lonely but it’s better than sitting at home feeling rejected.

DD ignores me but if my boyfriend comes over suddenly she’s my shadow, like a toddler.

How does she come up with that remark? If you live under the same roof as someone then you are expected to have some sort of interaction

She must be quite arrogant if she thinks your whole happiness revolves around her.

What happens if you just looked after yourself
You didn’t do their washing, cook or shop for food for them etc and told them if they think so little of you then they can look after themselves.

If they want to act like a lodger then they can start paying rent like a lodger

If they hold you with such contempt that they won’t make a single effort with their own mother then you won’t be their for them

What sort of relationship do they have with their father

OP, book yourself a long weekend break, somewhere amazing. Don't invite them, or make a fuss about it. Give them the minimal info they need.

Start a fun hobby that takes up your weekend.

Go for a nice meal out with a book. Tell them to sort their own dinner out as you have plans etc.

Basically, treat yourself. Prove to yourself that you are worthy of respect and care. Be less available to them.

Hope you find some happiness because you're daughters sound awful, with zero respect for you.

My youngest is almost 23. She has just come back to me. We do girly days out (without me constantly having to foot the bill as a bribe), we have just had a night away to see Robbie Williams and she is now joining me on days out with mum and sister.

My eldest (25) is too wrapped up with her boyfriend and his mum to do things with me yet.

Both girls.

They do come back to you - eventually.

But just to say - 23 year old still spends most of her time in her bedroom!