How to handle your children not saying a word to you?

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One is 21 and working, living at home. The other is in her final year of school and busy with exams. They will say a hello if they see me and they stay in their rooms (or desk when the older one is wfh) the whole time they're home. They've got nothing to say and I'm so tired of acting all normal and asking them about their day etc. to be met with strained two or three word answers as if they can't wait to get away from me, or sometmes they'd pretend not to even hear me. I can't explain how soul crushing it is, I might start some anecdote in the hope that they'll warm to it and talk normally (which has been known to happen, though rarely) to be met with silence and no reaction. When they go out with friends they're completely normal, or they're normal to me in front of their friends. Sometimes I go out for hours just walking the streets to get away from them and their disinterest in me. The most hilarious thing is that if it's my birthday they'll give me a loving birthday card and then go back to ignoring me. Honestly, we live in the same house but they have more contact with literally anybody else they know than with me. Teachers, bus drivers, whatever. I especially hate the weekends because my friends tend to spend time with their families and it's as if I don't have a family when I do. When I suggest things to do together 95% of the time one of them will say no. They will never suggest anything, unless it's my birthday or Mother's Day. Can anybody relate? How should I handle this? Sometimes my grief turns into intense anger and I ignore them back, just going out and staying out any time they're home to get away from them, but that seems like childish behaviour to me and I stop after a day or two. Not that it makes a difference to their behaviour. Talking to them doesn't help either.

Some of my family members are very introverted and home is a place for them to decompress in silence, while they're smiley and chatty outside. And they usually get exasperated with chatty family members and want to escape! It doesn't bother or offend me at all.

However it is sad that when you suggest things to do (outside? and I assume based on their interests sometimes, your interests sometimes?) they are not keen at all.

You can't guilt or scold them into wanting to spend time with you though. At most you can ask for gratitude for the chores you do and the roof you provide. But I agree with PP the best solution is to build up your own social life first. Desperation and neediness, even if justified, often makes things worse.

Hi OP, I don’t think it is going to help trying to talk this through - actions not words I feel. This is what I am thinking for you to consider: You cant make them socialise and chat to you but they MUST be civil and behave at least as politely as they would to a housemate. I would have a word with both together and say you are very unhappy with current arrangements and things need to change. You don’t expect to be best mates but you do expect basic civility and you are fed up of them behaving as if you exist for the sole purpose of being their servant. Firstly, for the eldest I would stop cooking / doing laundry / buying anything for her. Please consider also charging her close to a market rent. She wants to treat you like a stranger she lives with - fine, this is how lodgers are treated.
For the younger, she is still at school so a little different. No washing or cooking but I would buy any food and items she requires (not wants). Lifts, favours etc, no.
Both also need to pull their weight around the house and tidy up after themselves if they don’t already. At one point I got so exasperated with an adult child I took the dirty dishes they left out after cooking and carried them to their room each time until they stopped.
Then I’m afraid I would get ready to live with my own company for a while - do NOT beg for attention or initiate more than minimum small talk until you see some improvement.

I too think they will come back to you. It's an odd time when you are all adults living together but there is still some parent/child dynamic in the air. Both of my kids moved out at 18/19 and I could definitely sense that it was time and it was hugely beneficial for our relationship. We can now hang out as adults and I don't have to know that they haven't changed their sheets in weeks and I don't have to bump into DDs boyfriend on the way to take a shower in the morning. Is there any chance of any of them moving out this year?

I’d continue to be polite and show an interest in them but you need to stop expecting anything back. This may be a phase or it may be that they don’t feel they need to show affection to you or that they feel awkward or uncomfortable for some reason. You need to stick to a “hi good day? “ kind of level. And plan your own stuff, see friends,date, do hobbies, go to the cinema. Don’t expect anything from them and hopefully at some point it will shift.

Well said.

I wonder if you have a bit of “toxic empathy”. Could be projecting here because I do and it’s impacted the kids, especially my eldest. I can’t bear silence or to feel ignored (glaringly obvious reasons from my chidlhold as to why!) and struggle to feel safe if anyone is feeling anything at all negative. I people pleased for years till I started to feel myself burn out. It was easy when the kids were young to feel I was getting parenting ok but as they’ve turned into teenagers and older, I’ve been given definite feedback that I’m over involved emotional and I’ve had to really work on that. I have had to bring my sense of wellbeing back inside myself and find a way to meet my own needs. Still a work in progress but don’t feel the burden of emotional deregulation anywhere near as much. I do demand civility but not companionship from them. I also offer any lifts and other things like that I can. I really appreciated what my Mum did for me at that age once I got older (barely noticed at the time!)

Well I have two boys and we never do anything as a family these days except go on holiday. They have their lives / friends / hobbies, I have mine. I think DH feels a little like you because his family are a bit more enmeshed, but mine were always pretty independent of each other. We have a small house / flat so we are in each others presence often but tbh I don’t have any expectation that they will provide me with company 🤷‍♀️. My mum was the same with my sister and I - she was our mum, not our friend.

when we do interact I expect polite and civil interactions, always have, and frankly if they treated me the way your girls are treating you, they’d be getting an extremely big bollocking. We live together, DH and I pay the bills: the very least they can do is be polite and civil to us. We try to eat together at least a couple of times each week, but nothing regular. I’m as available to them as I can be but equally I have a busy life away from them, so there is no pressure.

so two things OP. Start demanding civility in your own home, and stand up for yourself. And develop your own life / hobbies / interests etc, don’t rely on your children to fill this gap. If you want to go for a walk, then go for a walk because you want to - not to escape from an empty, lonely life.

What do you do for meals? We try and have a meal together as often as possible, at least a few times a week when people aren't at activities.

I have a 21 yr old DS like this. He's perfectly pleasant. Just taciturn, and very busy studying a punishing degree. Does his own cooking and cleaning though. Also have an older DD who is chatty, when in the mood so I know its not anything I have done.

I dont know the solution. Feel quite sad about it sometimes. Our interaction is mostly " hi" and " bye".

Thank you to everyone for your answers. I've had to take a little time away to think about it all. Thank you especially to those who've shared your experiences. I will answer some questions here.

Just to add that I was totally disinterested in my parents from about the age of 13 through to about 28. They often come back after that age, they're just making their own lives now, it's what we bring them up to be able to do!
(That's why it's best if they also live independently if possible too!).

Yes. I got divorced from their father after a long marriage and have no interest in men or romance for the moment. On the plus side, I've managed to rekindle lots of old friendships and am closer than ever to my female friends and sisters. I've done some spontaneous things that I never would have done before, like called up an old friend who I haven't seen since she moved to the US thirty years ago and I went out and visited her and we had the best time. Then she came over and visited me a few months later. I've also been on a long haul solo trip after that. My life is full in other ways but to be honest it doesn't make up for a lack of interest at home.

Their father moved on and got married very quickly and they gradually stopped all contact with him.

(I have answered in full because other people have asked this)

I hope you find a solution that sits well with you op. It sounds like it has got you down x

I wasn't interested in my parents too at that age. Not that I disliked them or anything, I loved them, but I wasn't focusing on them in any way. But I took part in family life! We did things together, I'd say shall we go and see that new shop in town etc or I'd go shopping with my mother or just tell her about my friends and what we'd done etc. We didn't act like people don't exist.

I was reluctant to use the word gaslighting and deleted it from my OP when I was writing it. But this is exactly how I feel. How old is your DD @Notreallyme27 ?

I think things are rather dire for this age group right now. They aren’t fully independent—money and work don’t stretch that far. They want to be out living their lives but they are stuck at home.

My dd’s are 28 and 26. The 28 year old is fully launched and lives in another city but very affectionate. The 26 year old is living with us —though moving to the UK fir a year soon so I think she is more sentimentally attached. But during the period when they were both home I tried to give them tons of space to craft themselves.

In my experience these moments living at home can be claustrophobic and difficult.At 16 I lived away from home for a summer. By 22 I was in grad school away from home. By 26 I was living in Nepal. I love my mother but it was very hard returning home between these grown up experiences.

Younger one is hoping to go away to uni. Older one is saving for a house. Even at this young age she has a very good job and pay (I don't think she realises for a moment that this didn't just fall from the sky and might never have happened without parental input). I do the cooking but they do their own washing. I haven't asked for financial contributions.

If they want to treat it as a house share they start paying like it's one.

Id put some ground rules in place. You want a reasonable amount of rent and you expe t to have dinner together once a week. It's just utterly rude from them.

You sound like you have absolutely thrived post divorce which is lovely! Is it possible they feel a bit abandoned- strong word and I don't think you abandoned them, but perhaps they feel that their father moved on quickly and suddenly "mum is going off to the US and on amazing trips and maybe she's not interested in us anymore"?

If you cook for them, do you all have dinner together?

You need to ask the older one for rent. You can always keep it for her when she moves, it doesn't have to be the going rate ... but she has it so easy with you and treats you like shit.

This may not be anything personal…

As kids where did they have their toys/things/spend time?

There’s a chance they’re ‘bedroom’ kids/adults.

If growing up they had their toys in their room/playroom - out of say the living room, they may not associate the living room with relaxing/leisure time.

When I moved into my first proper home with DH it took around a year to be able to relax in the living room. I had spent the majority of my life ‘relaxing’ on my bed and then would naturally retreat upstairs.

I think this is true. Remembering now that DD was like a Trappist monk at 20. But came back later.
Also its so much harder for young people these days with the hideous competition. So they are self absorbed.

I would wonder if their DF going off and showing no interest in them might affect their attitude.
I’m not a psychologist but that’s a bit of a burden to carry. Could they sort of take it out on you -also the younger may be copying the elders attitude.

Dont be needy - maybe invite them out with you to cinema? Theatre? Offer to take the younger one with a friend? Once in a while. Hang in there though as they will come back to you.

That’s awful, OP. Really rude and demeaning.

Yes I'm in the same situation. Except my child is an adult with their own home and family. Just not interested in me unless it's babysitting or cash ...

My younger daughter was like this when she lived at home. She is adopted and she has a very avoidant attachment style. I have more of an anxious attachment style so it's not a good mix. I suggest you read up on attachment styles and see that a lot of what's going on is possibly based on this. Get yourself some counselling or therapy - you can only change yourself, not them x