How to handle your children not saying a word to you?

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One is 21 and working, living at home. The other is in her final year of school and busy with exams. They will say a hello if they see me and they stay in their rooms (or desk when the older one is wfh) the whole time they're home. They've got nothing to say and I'm so tired of acting all normal and asking them about their day etc. to be met with strained two or three word answers as if they can't wait to get away from me, or sometmes they'd pretend not to even hear me. I can't explain how soul crushing it is, I might start some anecdote in the hope that they'll warm to it and talk normally (which has been known to happen, though rarely) to be met with silence and no reaction. When they go out with friends they're completely normal, or they're normal to me in front of their friends. Sometimes I go out for hours just walking the streets to get away from them and their disinterest in me. The most hilarious thing is that if it's my birthday they'll give me a loving birthday card and then go back to ignoring me. Honestly, we live in the same house but they have more contact with literally anybody else they know than with me. Teachers, bus drivers, whatever. I especially hate the weekends because my friends tend to spend time with their families and it's as if I don't have a family when I do. When I suggest things to do together 95% of the time one of them will say no. They will never suggest anything, unless it's my birthday or Mother's Day. Can anybody relate? How should I handle this? Sometimes my grief turns into intense anger and I ignore them back, just going out and staying out any time they're home to get away from them, but that seems like childish behaviour to me and I stop after a day or two. Not that it makes a difference to their behaviour. Talking to them doesn't help either.

I think my DD improved when she moved out..Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think DS is more chatty when we go out. Just completely silent in the home.
It's hard.

same with 22 year old

It is good if you all get along but that are not your friends or companions thry have their own life so you need your own friends and things to do

I wouldn't tolerate rudeness but thry are not an extension of you

Whilst upsetting they don’t want to spend time with you they aren’t actually being rude if they say hello. They obviously feel you are being too needy so I would pull back and beyond making it clear you are there for them should they need you but you need social interaction and go out to meet friends, take up a new hobby etc. Hopefully as they mature they will become more communicative.

It's the time they should be leaving home and making "The Hero's Journey", (think sandwich-filled spotted-handkerchief knotted onto stick over shoulder), but they can't. Times have changed & life is now much harder for young ones who should be flying the nest. They are on the journey of becoming adults and, in my experience, they will be facing away from you throughout their twenties and/but will begin to turn back towards you when they reach their thirties - if you can remain calm, loving and as apparently detached as you can muster. Give them space and be understanding of their need to establish their identities outside the sphere of "family of origin". If you can "be the adult" and bear their (mainly unintentional) self-centredness, they will turn back to you, especially if/when they become parents in their turn.

Meanwhile, carve out your own independent life, join stuff - choirs, local Arts Society, volunteering, whatever appeals - fill your diary, don't rely on them for your social entertainment. Good luck.

Hi op this is very sad I go through something similar with mine and I do get hurt but I think if there online or with friends and happy then that’s what is important. I think it is a generational problem they see us as old, boring and don’t like be questioned. I feel like you do but I tell myself it’s not about me. I sat with parents watching tv but I never really discussed much about my life with them it was only when I moved out I visited and chatted and they passed away before I became a parent but I do see now I was no better than my own kids but it is there life to live. I’m sure they both love you they just don’t want to hang out with you.

Set up a notice board in the house with a chart on it, mark off the number of words per day you get, number of ignored questions. Use abbreviations so they don’t know what it is at first and also mark off the days to see if they notice and ask about it. Make a big theatrical deal if the first one to ask and give them a lollipop. Maybe tell them you do a shit for every word you get from them 😝

Im not at this point yet but I still remember being that age and barely having anything to say at home, my DBs were worse but we grew out of it.

They're adults - stop doing any domestic chores for them. No cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

Do they pay their way?

I agree that by now they should be starting to head out into the world and find their own lives, own relationships, careers, families. It's just that they haven't launched - it's harder now. At 18 I went to uni, then back to parents for a year at 21 before moving to another town to start the early phase of my career at 22.

Develop your own social life that doesn't involve pining for their attention. If and when they mature into seeing you as another person not just mum, they'll come back.

Meanwhile - do stuff. Get into amateur dramatics, hiking, choir, a sport, volunteering, an allotment, theatregoing group, a dog ... Something that won't keep you as one of them said pinning all your happiness on them. Make a wide circle of friends, some close friends, boyfriends or whatever.

Do some of the suggestions here help you be the kind of person people would like to spend time with? Or are they a bit petty and will make the relationship worse?

I would say to give them space. Have your own interests. If they see you really enjoying something, they might like to try it too. Invite them but don’t guilt them if they don't want to go.

Some people just hate small talk. Or are burned out by studying / working, there social battery is dead and they need time alone to recharge. Home to me is a place where you can do that. Even if some think it's being anti social.

It sounds completely normal. Mist of us didn't want to spend time with our parents at that age- their bedroom is a young person's sanctuary.

I would be proud of them. Work hard, saving, studying, have friends. In school but doing their own washing. Plans for uni.

What’s their relationship like with each other?

This thread is super weird, is parents of adult children another word for the "estranged parents" crowd? If you have a husband you get along with and hobbies you won't care that your teenagers and young adult children don't want to spend time with you, it's a completely normal phase just like the clingy toddler stage. They have to find their own way in the world biologically so they're meant to be quite selfish at this age.

If you carry on like this they won't have anything to do with you when they become fully fledged adults and move out, the actions you feel comfortable sharing reek of emotional manipulation. Imagine if your partner "went out for a walk" and acted all sad and lost in the wind when you weren't giving him enough attention, it'd be an immediate LTB. Go get some hobbies and some friends and wait for your kids to be in their next chapter of life where they CHOOSE to spend time with you vs just being dependent on you for housing or nourishment.

@tresales I agree that it is quite normal. I think this all comes from the lack of independence that comes with living at home as adults, not talking about the 18 year old here as she's still in school. I realise it's much harder to move out now but I don't know anyone that lived at home and saved up a deposit when I was in my late teens/early 20s in the 90s.

We all moved out as soon as school was finished, rented a room or shared a flat with friends, lived on a shoestring. Eventually we managed to save up a deposit but I think these days a lot of the kids want to first be financially comfortable and then fly the nest. It feels like they miss a step where you learn so much about life and finances.

I think in the past kids moved out at 18 or at lesst 21, so there was a natural break. These days they live at home for much longer, so it's disconcerting to have large silent people lumber about.🙂

Do they have chores, do they do their own laundry? Have you taught them to cook so they can prepare a meal for the family.

Do they sit and eat what you cook with you? If not and they just come down for a plateful and disappear back upstairs, then I would stop cooking for them. New rule is you eat the meals you've cooked together or they can do their own.

Do they have any jobs to do around the house, ie that they do for everyone's benefit, rather than eg washing their own stuff?

@tresales it's not weird at all for the OP to feel this way. For the first twelve or so years of your children's lives, you have an incredibly deep relationship with them - you love them, they love you, you do everything for them. That strong bond lasts a long time, and of course it's going to be painful if/when they pull away.

You can say "it's normal and natural" all you want, but it will never not hurt when someone you still love can't stand to be in the same room as you.

OP, I wish I had advice but I get similar though not so extreme from my early 20s/late teens DC and have no clue how to solve it. I am at the point of part wanting my DS to leave, but also want to support him, it flicks between the 2 depending on our interactions that day.
@Hatty65 , you are my clone, my DS is identical and I find it so dispiriting. He complains that I don’t listen to him and while that’s sometimes true, as I can zone out after a few minutes of him relating sports results and then I miss a piece of real information, he never listens to me, which results in him getting annoyed when I need the car for work/other things and he wants it, which is of course my fault.
Perhaps food is the biggest problem, we have a tiny kitchen and it’s difficult for 1 person yet alone 3 to cook in there. I ask what they fancy eating, get zero input, then get grief cos I don’t cook what they want or am in their way while they prepare their own food. They do wash up after themselves but can take hours to do so, meaning I end up cooking very late for DH and me in a messy kitchen and have to clean half the stuff they’ve used so I can use it myself. Don’t get me started on their idea of a clean bathroom….
Oh for a bigger house, more cars, my own bathroom, the DCs to mature and get well paid full time employment out of the house….

I think it’s partly normal and also agree with the point that young people left home earlier
eg I went off to university at 18 as far away as possible.

I also think family life has changed a lot. My young adult dc have a completely different lifestyle at home to the one I had. There is no watching tv together (they haven’t watched tv downstairs in the living room since they were toddlers probably.) We don’t eat together (we like different things and eating at different times and I don’t insist on it as it always caused issues when I did.) I don’t like the staying in rooms, social media obsessed, gaming, not actually going out and meeting friends, not getting dressed properly/duvet days mentality. It’s so different to how I grew up and I don’t think it’s healthy for them. I also appreciate it’s a completely different era and some of it I have to accept as times change.

I do find my dc occasionally want to chat but we don’t spend time sitting together in the evenings. I have stopped the meals out as they always wanted that but it wasn’t enjoyable for me if they were moody or rude plus it was so expensive so I said only for birthdays from now on.

It might be different when you are a single parent household too. Maybe not so much ‘family’ time and get togethers.

Mine moved out and lost their phone. They were never great at remembering birthdays etc anyway. I've had one conversation with them in the past six months. I don't think they know my number and I don't know theirs.

I really miss them being monosyllabic over a laptop... I guess it's all relative.

I think some posters are being unfair on OP. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely in a crowd, which is how she is feeling.
There isn't one answer; she needs different plans for the two different children. One is just finishing A Levels, hoping for Uni. The other has finished her degree, is earning, has chosen to live with mother but rent- and interaction-free.
The mother has told them that she finds the situation uncomfortable but neither has tried to change, to create something even vaguely like a family scenario. They are living scot free and not giving anything in return. Those saying "that's how it is these days" are being unfair - OP shouldn't have to put up with feeling miserable in her own house. As MN is so fond of saying: her house, her rules!

Obviously the 18y.o. must be left in peace until exams are over. I'd then do the "you're a big girl now; you don't need an allowance. Go and earn your own money". Continue this to University: no automatic allowance, she only gets money if she communicates that she needs it. Ditto for help / assistance.

I may wait until DD2 has gone to University and see if the dynamic changes before tackling DD1. Meanwhile, stop cooking for DD1 (and DD2, after the exams).

Most of us didn't want to spend time with our parents at that age

I hope none of you are posting on Mumsnet complaining that your parents show no interest in their grandchildren.

So many supposed adults here who don't seem to appreciate that parents are people in their own right who don't exist purely for their children's convenience, and think they should just STFU when they're not wanted.

DS, when not working, spends a lot of time in his room. Essentially, I encourage him out by cooking a meal for us to share. He converses at the table, clears the plates and then disappears to his room again.

OP, I'd tell them. They are old enough to learn that this is distressing to you, disrespectful and entitled.

Just say something like, 'I know you are busy and preoccupied with work and exams. But I feel utterly invisible when I am with you, and it is really upsetting me. It is perfectly reasonable of me to want to spend some time chatting with you each day and your one or two word answers are just unbearably rude and isolating. So, from now on, can we chat over dinner every night for half an hour, and if I ask you a question, I want you to understand I am genuinely interested in the answer, and it's not enough if you just grunt or shut the conversation down with one word. You matter to me and I hope I matter to you enough that you understand making the effort to hold a really enjoyable conversation each day is not too much to ask.'

As DC got older, I did find I had to adjust what would make them tick, conversationally. I might ask about their plans for summer, or work - not just how it is going but what their aspirations are, and how they plan to make them happen. (And similar questions if they have hobbies with any sort of progression - like sport or music.) But also try to discuss the wider world a bit more - ask their opinions on things in the news or who they'd vote for and why. Ask their opinions on contentious issues like Andrew Tate or the trans/GC deadlock.

I also ask their advice far more - on technical things - like which headphones to buy or which phone plan to look out for. Even things like: if you were redecorating this kitchen/living room, what would you choose? I'm thinking of updating and I'd love your opinion.

I also looked out for things we could have and do in common - even a once-a-month family film night or going to see a band or comedian everyone loves gives you some common ground.

But eventually they do grow up and move away. I have found it's not just the time on your hands but also the suddenly free headspace that needs filling with things that interest me. Tbh, I struggle with that and need to get better at it.