How to handle your children not saying a word to you?

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One is 21 and working, living at home. The other is in her final year of school and busy with exams. They will say a hello if they see me and they stay in their rooms (or desk when the older one is wfh) the whole time they're home. They've got nothing to say and I'm so tired of acting all normal and asking them about their day etc. to be met with strained two or three word answers as if they can't wait to get away from me, or sometmes they'd pretend not to even hear me. I can't explain how soul crushing it is, I might start some anecdote in the hope that they'll warm to it and talk normally (which has been known to happen, though rarely) to be met with silence and no reaction. When they go out with friends they're completely normal, or they're normal to me in front of their friends. Sometimes I go out for hours just walking the streets to get away from them and their disinterest in me. The most hilarious thing is that if it's my birthday they'll give me a loving birthday card and then go back to ignoring me. Honestly, we live in the same house but they have more contact with literally anybody else they know than with me. Teachers, bus drivers, whatever. I especially hate the weekends because my friends tend to spend time with their families and it's as if I don't have a family when I do. When I suggest things to do together 95% of the time one of them will say no. They will never suggest anything, unless it's my birthday or Mother's Day. Can anybody relate? How should I handle this? Sometimes my grief turns into intense anger and I ignore them back, just going out and staying out any time they're home to get away from them, but that seems like childish behaviour to me and I stop after a day or two. Not that it makes a difference to their behaviour. Talking to them doesn't help either.

As a PP has said, stop doing ANYTHING for them. The eldest can pay rent and the youngest is old enough to look after herself. My son was like this with me and I charged him a fair whack in rent as I was doing everything for him. He's matured and moved out now. Do not be a martyr.

I just want to acknowledge your post and say I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.💐

The youngest is still in school. And up to her eyes with exams.

I can't believe all the comments on here about cutting off a school aged child.

OP, I’m in no way judging you but simply curious- did you stay at home to look after them before the age of 3? Or did you go back to work and put them in childcare?
While they were growing up, were you always working to provide for them?

Sometimes, parental absence can make children become narcissistic because some parents prioritise their careers and personal goals over their small children.

I was an SAHM when my DC were little, and gave them both plenty of attention. That's not it.

I think there are many factors that come into play. My own DS is a quiet person at the best of times, and during times of stress- exams, work experience- he gets even quieter. My DH is exactly the same. So part of it is genetic. Both work very hard and put everything into their work, and don't have that much energy left for other conversations.

This is also the age when children want to build their own lives and distance themselves. But these days they are all living at home, so have to retreat to their homes. My son will be moving out shortly, and I expect he will become chattier then. That was how it went with my DD. She was silent as the grave at home, then left to live on her own, and suddenly was texting me daily!

I remember at this age I definitely didn't want to hang out with my parents, but now I am very close to my mum.

I have become bolder about asking for stuff. I asked DS yesterday to come to an event I am organising, and he said yes. Holding on to small wins. But he won't ever suggest anything himself.

Sorry to hear this . Mine are always up for seeing shows (musicals mainly). With me footing the bill, so have to limit that.
Also cinema trips to some film they/we want to see. This i pay for with clubcard points or sky free tickets so feels like its free.

I hear you. My DS (27) has been like this for years. No interest in me whatsoever. I don’t doubt he loves me but he doesn’t need to impress me like he does others. I’m very much the bottom of his priority list.

When he gets a GF or wife I won’t even be on the list!!

I notice op hasn’t returned but will add my pov.

As a divorced mother of two adult DD with whom I have no contact, their loyalty switched to their Dad, I suspect my need for contact might be different if their Dad and I were now benefiting from the child raising years where we lost each other, and we’re enjoying this time to reconnect with part of ourselves that drew one to the other. Instead, I reassure myself we’re all living good lives, myself included.

So I do yearn desperately for that sense of connection that can only be satisfied, I feel, with close family, I reassure myself that I gave them the facility to live their best lives and it is now my turn too.

I would tell them they need to be civil while living at home.
I feel for you as my ds doesn't have to much time for meet ups now just the family WhatsApp and DD lives hundreds of miles away.
The Mothers day thing and b days are erratic.
Don't take it to heart.

To be honest, I was like this with my mum at that age and even now, I recognize that I can be distant.

My parents divorced in my early teens and I stopped contact with my dad. My mum fell apart and basically had to parent myself at a really critical juncture in my childhood. As much as I hated my dad, I also lost of respect for my mum. For allowing herself to be in such a vulnerable position, for never standing up to my shithead father and for not being there for me when I needed her.

Obviously this is my very specific situation but I’m just saying your issue could have some very deep rooted and nuanced explanation. It’s taken me years and a lot of therapy to understand my feelings and it’s not something I would have been able to articulate when I was your daughters’ age - I just felt she wasn’t deserving of my love or attention and I wanted to punish her.

With that said, I left home at 18 for uni and never went back and was more or less financially independent way before that. I wouldn’t go out of my way to do everything for them - cooking, washing etc.

Omg I could have wrote this almost word for word. I stopped seeing my dad at 12 when they finally split after years of DV. My older siblings were 18 & 16, 16 year old was self harming as was I, but my mum focussed on him and herself. She would go drinking most weekends had no money for me and from about 12 I raised myself. Now we are N/C cause I have no time for her. Can't admit her wrongs won't apologise and just thinks she did everything right.

If your elder daughter expects to be treated as a close family member in that you are cooking and cleaning for her and not charging her anything for rent, food or bills, you should be able to expect at least a cordial, friendly relationship, not living in each other's pockets but not avoiding each other.

If your daughter wants a purely transactional relationship as though she is living in a house share with people that she doesn't really know or care for, she needs to either pay you rent or move out. She can't have all the perks of being your daughter while treating you like a stranger. You would feel less lonely if you lived alone, rather than being actively shunned by your daughters.