What is a realistic aim?

[Lightuptheroom]

My step son is 30 this year. Due to mental health difficulties (mainly social anxiety) he hasn't worked for 8 years. He is medicated with Mirazapine but it's not regularly reviewed (he states that he doesn't sleep at night but doesn't return to the gp) He has 'used up' all the counselling etc the NHS can offer and is in the 'limited capacity for work or work related activity' for universal credit, meaning that nobody expects him to even try to look for work.
This means that he's still living at home. Nothing improves things and we worry how he's going to function going forward, he can't afford to rent his own place. He sleeps all day, doesn't wash, doesn't do anything in the house, yet nobody follows anything up. Is this how life is going to be? His dad doesn't know any other information and professionals won't discuss it with us. It's causing problems as when he wants to, he goes out with his mates playing Dungeons and Dragons until 1am in the morning. We have no idea what to do.

@Lightuptheroom honestly I think that’s just enablement. I have two cousins in their early 30s who have never worked (one of them did an internship but that’s it) and they’re fully enabled by my uncles. They might think they’re supporting them but what’s going to happen once they die?

To further expand on sink or swim: I’ve been supporting my mother for 10+ years. A diagnosed schizophrenic, not just anxious. Severely medicated and actually unable to work. Anyways, she refused to do pretty much… everything. We’ve been doing literally everything for her and it recently came to a halt.

The result? As soon as she saw her housing situation threatened she mustered up the motivation to do the paperwork for council housing that we’ve been talking about for over 5 years now. Which means the capacity was always there, but she was dragging her feet because she knew someone else was picking up the slack.

He might suffer from anxiety but he isn’t completely bedridden. He needs to step up and start learning to take control of his life.

1 step forward, 2 steps back... DH has given in and taken him to his friends. Anything I do is just over ridden because DH has decided that he should always help DSS. My own son has been travelling around the country independently since he was 15! He didn't have an easy life either, yet he chooses to make something of his life. Just what is dss going to do when his DH isn't around. I also think that dss would be glad if I walked away and it was just him and his dad. DH says he doesn't want me to leave, yet continues the enabling.

That sounds like quite a dilemma. Is him living with you making it unbearable to live with your DP? Is it make or break time? Would your DP actually do something if he felt it would help?

It's not reached 'unbearable' yet, though it gets very frustrating that he does nothing to change his situation and my dh seems to think enabling him all the time will make things better all the time. DH doesn't seem to get that doing everything for him isn't the same as him doing it for himself. DH views it as producing the same outcome so what's my problem, but why should a grown man be constantly given the excuses to behave like a teenager. The other parts, I didn't sign up to having another adult in my house all the time!

Honestly, OP, in your situation I think the frustration would be so huge that I would leave.

When our DD was living at home it got very tense at times. Once she moved out / we strong-armed her out, our relationship with her actually improved, and has continued to improve.

Your DH needs to have a few things spelt out to him, if you haven't done so already. He is enabling his son to waste his life: is that what he wants to do?

If he does everything for his son, you don't have his time and energy.

I’m reading your post rather late, but it sounds like you’re reaching the end of your tether, if you’re reaching out for advice.

I would think about how you’d like to live in your future and take steps to look after yourself, which includes thinking about it whether you want to carry on living in this situation. If you’re okay to, but just want advice about this specific situation, I’d recommend the following steps.

1. Speak to your husband and explain how unhappy you are with the situation. Tell him that you think that by you not both agreeing on rules that your DSS should be following and then enforcing them, you’re doing him more harm than good. Tell your husband that by stepping back, he is allowing your DSS to continue to ignore his problems, which are getting worse.
2. Put together a plan that you think should be actioned and present it to your DH (DSS has to be up during working hours and carrying out chores. DSS has to shower daily. His room must be spotless. A decent amount of rent will be expected from his benefits.
3. Both your DH and you, sit your DSS down to explain that his situation is getting worse, because he’s not doing anything about it and because you love him, you’re going to help him get back on his feet by setting some rules. Communicate consequences for not following them.
4. If he threatens self harm, explain that he cannot keep using this to get his own way and that if he genuinely doesn’t think he can follow these rules, then perhaps it would be best if he lived elsewhere, because asking him to do chores and shower is not unreasonable. Remind him that he is an adult and is capable of looking after himself.
5. Ensure you and your DH are following up on the rules. If DSS tried to dodge them, be on his case, because short term it’s annoying, but long term it will pay off, if he learns you won’t let up
6. Get yourself out of the house and fill your life with other people, so that if the situation continues, or reverts back to its current state, you’ll have more strength to leave and put yourself first.