What is a realistic aim?

[Lightuptheroom]

My step son is 30 this year. Due to mental health difficulties (mainly social anxiety) he hasn't worked for 8 years. He is medicated with Mirazapine but it's not regularly reviewed (he states that he doesn't sleep at night but doesn't return to the gp) He has 'used up' all the counselling etc the NHS can offer and is in the 'limited capacity for work or work related activity' for universal credit, meaning that nobody expects him to even try to look for work.
This means that he's still living at home. Nothing improves things and we worry how he's going to function going forward, he can't afford to rent his own place. He sleeps all day, doesn't wash, doesn't do anything in the house, yet nobody follows anything up. Is this how life is going to be? His dad doesn't know any other information and professionals won't discuss it with us. It's causing problems as when he wants to, he goes out with his mates playing Dungeons and Dragons until 1am in the morning. We have no idea what to do.

That is my feeling.
If you can go out and enjoy yourself, you can help around the house or try to find some work online.

Alot of adult children end up living at home with their parents rather than making their way in the world. The key is whether the adults who are housing them are in agreement that they want the situation to continue for the rest of the adults lives.

You say your stepson threatens to harm himself when he is pushed to do something. What do you do with these threats? Are they taken seriously?

Those asking about autism, he doesn't have any of the signs or traits and never has had (obviously I've only been around him as an adult but his dad confirms that there were never any concerns or anything flagged)

Yes, the threats are taken seriously, though realistically all we can do is encourage him to access the mental health team, the hospital or the 'crisis line' unfortunately their view is he chooses to respond this way when he wants to avoid something so we get told to tell him to attend A&E as he won't speak to anyone on the phone

We live our lives.

God laughs when you make plans.

Is the house you live in owned by you and your husband jointly? Or did you move into your husbands house when you married?

I wonder OP if he has Avoidant Personality Disorder, many symptoms of which overlap with high-functioning autism.

I have had a similar situation in my extended family and I can tell you from my experience that people like this will tolerate quite high levels of privation and personal discomfort in order to avoid doing the 'normal' activities of life.

How do we think people like this managed in the distant past? Were they looked after by their parents well into adulthood? I'm sure they were not.

It is my firm belief that as a society we have taken away so many of the lower-level jobs and activities that could enable people like OP's DS to have self-esteem, purpose and independence.

In my experience there is often a snobbery within the family that their otherwise-disengaged adult DC is somehow 'too good' or too clever to wash pots, or push trolleys, or do a very basic factory job, or do cleaning or security work.

That's just not true. Anyone who can play dungeons and dragons, go to the gym, and complete employment support programmes can do these sorts of jobs. Whether they can stick with them long-term, or progress to something else, or ever manage anything vaguely high-flying is a different question, but an unnecessary one for now.

But in the course of the whole of human existence, being able to please yourself while you have a roof over your head and are being looked after is an indulgence, or otherwise something provided only for her most needy.

I'd say start modestly with him in the jobs market OP. He could do agency work, zero hours stuff, anything, he needs a long-term timescale to become independent.

Give him a year. Give him shorter deadlines in between to register with agencies, do regular volunteering or whatever. If he has grandparents n then he should routinely be going to help them with shopping, small jobs around the house, or companionship at least.

Make him get out and go for walks every day, and contribute to the household activities.

Measure him always by the effort he is making, not necessarily the outcome he is achieving.

And when the two of you aren’t here any more, how’s she going to cope?

We don't know. It's not an immediate concern. She'll be financially provided for. No plans beyond that. We don't how her or our lives will pan out.

Showering every day is a huge target for someone who is severely depressed. This insistence would likely overwhelm them and lead to a further decline.

Please don't suggest things when you clearly don't understand what severe mental health problems are like.

I live with my DD27 who has PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Chronic Fatigue, ADHD and Asthma. She can't work and manages to shower weekly. She hates her life and herself.

What would your helpful suggestion be for her, pray?

Does he have any plans, goals or aims? When you talk to him about his future, what does he want? How does he see himself in a years time?
I think for anything to change you have to get 'buy in' from him. So if he says he wants to live independently, point out that he needs to learn household chores/learn to cook etc. Start small by asking him to prepare a meal once a week. If he says he wants to be working, ask him in what field? Then start to explore ways of helping him achieve finding a way into that profession. If he says he wants to improve his 'social anxiety' explore ways of doing so - but in small steps. If he can join a gym or do D and D, his social anxiety can't be too bad. Get some input from him on how he sees himself improving/getting a job/living independently. Develop a plan that he agrees to and don't let him slip back into his old ways. That way you can't be accused of not understanding/being unreasonable because he himself has agreed to ways to getting to where he wants to be.

He doesn't apply for any jobs. No-one is going to walk up to him and give him a job. It was arranged that he would do some volunteering in a charity shop 5 minutes from home. He didn't show up. We didn't even know it had been arranged.
I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to make a 30 year old man do anything.
I'm working full time, I don't have time to organise another adults working life.
Re. the house, its privately rented so neither of us own it!

How am I supposed to not let him slip back? He won't do the washing up as the sink is too low. He puts 3 items of clothing in the washing machine (after I told him he wasn't leaving smelly gym kit around) and then left it in the machine for 3 days. Everything he does (after much asking) is always half done. Yes, his dad is a big part of the problem too, he'll agree that he should be doing basic household things and then I find husband has done them himself because he got tired of waiting for his DS to get out of bed and do it.

DD. Not step DD. There is a difference. Does your DD do any chores around the house? Nearly everybody can manage that, even if they cant work. And clearly OPs stepson can go out with mates and play videogames. But not do his own laundry.

But if you think its helpful for the OP to wash a 30 year old mans socks, fine. She seems at the end of her tether.

He doesn't have any aims, when you ask him he shrugs. His ultimate aim is to work in a hobby shop, but he applied for one job through a friend and didn't get it, so just doesn't apply for others. He could easily do data entry or similar, he's a bright lad. He loves dogs, I offered to look into animal care courses, nope not interested.

Well... he lives in your house.

I think you have to shake his long-term stability.

Not doing what he can will mean that longer-term, he can't live with you.

I can't believe that he can't brush up, get up/showered/dressed most days, have two or three simple meals that he can prepare and have ready for you when you get home from work. The longer this goes on the LESS likely he'll be able to do it. You're enabling him.

To be clear... he isn't my ds, he's my step son, his dad and I married in 2018 so he was already an adult when I met him. His mum died in 2016, which did trigger some of the mental health things, but I didn't know them then.
It's just so wearing that he occasionally does basic things but it's like dealing with a 12 yr old. I'm certainly not doing a grown man's laundry. (My own ds is early 20's and lives at the other end of the country following his chosen career)
It's just almost like he wants the world ti stop but of course it doesn't!

I don't enable him, he just ignores what he's asked and then his dad does it anyway!!

Sounds like he has no resilience either, giving up after one job application shows that. Hats off to you exploring animal care courses for a 30 year old MAN. I've done this for my kids when they were in their teens struggling with the transition from school into work. But getting knock backs from jobs is part and parcel of life. It's going to be difficult getting him to change his behaviour but it sounds like he's quite happy to bounce aimlessly along the bottom. I think the effort needs to come from him to make any significant change but he needs to help with household chores - that's non negotiable.

I came on to say something similar to this.
If you can find out what he would like to do (he obviously enjoys some things eg. D&D) and build routines around it.
One of the CBT based interventions the NHS uses js called "behavioural activation"- it is essentially building up to activities which help your mood.
I know this varies locally, but where I live there are some fantastic adult education courses that are free to access if you receive UC- something like that might pique interest like game design or creative writing?? It's not about that being a career for him but just something to build his world up a bit?

This does sound really difficult.
Mental health issues are never made better by doing less to keep yourself healthy.
We use this approach for our anxious son (young teen) but they have an adult child program too.

https://www.centerforwisemindliving.com/space-failure-to-launch

This might be a bit mad but would he like it if you had a dog? Would he take care of the dog and go for walks do you think?
Bit risky if you end up having to take care of the dog so depends how you feel about that but if he likes animals maybe a pet could be a "reason" to do stuff?

So it's OK to take care of a biological child but the only way to deal with a stepchild is to kick them out?
I sincerely hope you are never in a situation where you actually have to do this.
I could no more kick out my DSD than if she were my biological child.
She is a vulnerable adult who needs love and support, not threats or punishment.

Yes, I never will be. I have no intention of ever becoming a stepmum.

But as I said in my very first post, OP can leave or get her DH and stepson to leave, as she sounds thoroughly sick of it and her DH is enabling her stepson.

Women are not therapy centres for men.