What is a realistic aim?

[Lightuptheroom]

My step son is 30 this year. Due to mental health difficulties (mainly social anxiety) he hasn't worked for 8 years. He is medicated with Mirazapine but it's not regularly reviewed (he states that he doesn't sleep at night but doesn't return to the gp) He has 'used up' all the counselling etc the NHS can offer and is in the 'limited capacity for work or work related activity' for universal credit, meaning that nobody expects him to even try to look for work.
This means that he's still living at home. Nothing improves things and we worry how he's going to function going forward, he can't afford to rent his own place. He sleeps all day, doesn't wash, doesn't do anything in the house, yet nobody follows anything up. Is this how life is going to be? His dad doesn't know any other information and professionals won't discuss it with us. It's causing problems as when he wants to, he goes out with his mates playing Dungeons and Dragons until 1am in the morning. We have no idea what to do.

Lol... we have 3 dogs... one particularly absolutely adores him. Sadly he's proved that he considers them to be our responsibility, he used to help with them but more recently we can't trust him to wake up and I refuse to let them suffer because of his ineptness.

Why should she? Perhaps she has a great relationship with her DH?

Her DSS may meet someone and then care enough to make a change. MH services may finally support him. The DWP may put him on a scheme that will help him find work. Why should she abandon people she loves because one of them is mentally ill. At least her DH is helping out.

But you don't put a vulnerable person out on the street because they can't function. If he had a physical disability that required support, you wouldn't put him out.

Life isn't as black and white as you seem to believe. People live with a lot worse.

Perhaps find some compassion for those of us who live with mentally unwell adult stepchildren, rather than simply declaring they don't matter as much as your precious biological children.

Ah. Never mind that suggestion then. I don't know what else to suggest but hugs to you cos it sounds bloody hard.

How exactly is OP putting the DS out on the street if she leaves? He has a dad. I am not even saying he should work. But at least do household chores.

What do you want to do, OP?
Because your stepson has zero incentive to change, so he won't.

This sounds absolutely soul destroying, I am sorry OP.
I do think you've got a bit of a DH problem though, sounds like he is enabling him?

Sorry I think I'm not allowed to mention specific medication ?? My pint was though can you pay for him to see a psychiatrist privately ? The NHS is rubbish

We know a great deal more about neurodivergence than we did even 10 years ago. There was absolutely no suggestion of it in my life either, I was a straight a student and first class graduate who's never managed to hold down a job and had a lifetime of self-blame. Age 50, recently diagnosed with asd.

Wen you say 'no obvious traits' you mean none of the traits you or your husband think autism is. As an asd person with asd family, your first post is screaming asd.

Why should she leave?

He is just not willing to fight for things

Yes because putting people on drugs does not achieve anything.
Engaging with their true emotional and mental and spiritual and social needs and mentoring them and seeing where their real issue is and bring Light onto this issue!!! exactly is what helps - and that requires tons of commitment to such a person. NHS staff are not commited to anyone , they come and go, it is job for them

A friend of mine and her daughter were given a course for her mental health, just a course to listen about generalised issues people have. Nothing to do with the real need of the girl. She laughed the course off and left it

You are right. Living with a 30 yr old man who is out playing video games till 1 am but won't shower or wash his smelly gym kit or engage with MH services or do any chores because his dad does them for him sounds like a great situation for OP.

That last was to @MyrtleLion.

My dad had had severe mental health problems including depression, he was sectioned multiple times and lived in supported accommodation.

Guess what, those places are strict! Things like, keeping good personal hygiene, wearing clean clothes, cleaning up after yourself, doing your own laundry etc were all part of the rules. You were expected to do everything that you were physically able to do. The staff had zero patience for people pretending they can’t do things.

It’s different if you are sectioned or in a severe episode, but it doesn’t sound like OPs stepson is. It sounds like he is being manipulative, and people with MH problems can be really manipulative.

That's not really true. I'm on anti psychotics for example, along with other things that I need to have a normal life. I've been on really helpful other medications in the past too. Sometimes it is just a chemical imbalance that needs sorted out

I'm glad you tagged me because I wanted to let you know the results of my approach. I discussed the comments on here with my DH. He said that our policy of unconditional acceptance and love without nagging has meant his DD is gradually improving.

She doesn't feel pressured, and as a result has had the time to work out some things for herself. Her PIP application is finally underway. The spare bed is no longer piled high with her stuff and yesterday she very proudly showed her dad that she'd cleared it.

I'm very proud of her progress. It's not been easy by any means and I've been hugely frustrated, about mess and smell, and particularly about the spare bed. (I sometimes have insomnia and can only get back to sleep if I sleep alone.) It has taken months to get her to this point.

But I would prefer this than the anger and anxiety of nagging her and raising her anxiety levels so that she becomes unable to do anything. My priority has been and will always be supporting her while she works out how she can support herself.

I take it you've not lived with someone with severe MH problems and seem to think it's just a matter of telling them to snap out of it and do some chores.

It's also clear that you tagged me (and in a separate post) because you want to continue some sort of disagreement or argument with me. I'm not here for your amusement. I have much better things to do. It also derails the thread when the OP is asking for support.

I have given my experience as a possible approach. You have given your opinion, which of course you are entitled to do. But you don't actually live with someone in this position and I do. The OP can choose which she prefers.

As for me, I have no interest in derailing this thread by arguing with you. It's clear you would prefer to bait me than consider that I might have a point.

As a result, I won't be replying further. I wish you well and I hope you count your blessings that you are not in this situation. I hope you never will be.

Good night.

Although I haven't been offered therapy, to be honest I haven't even considered if it will help my condition. I will look into it actually now thinking about it. The meds have a lot of side effects and I would rather not be on them if it were possible

Actually I have lived with someone with MH issues.
It was improved by laying down some boundaries.

People, even the mentally ill, benefit from boundaries.

As you say, OP can decide what she prefers.

@AmandaHoldensLips what happened to that person? Did services step in?

This is all very typical of autism though, especially a PDA profule

Honestly, I'm happy he has his dad to look out for him, your stepson has a disability, whether you believe it or not.
Try engaging more with him about the things he enjoys, take the pressure off, and support him in making sure he gets his disability benefits.
Are people with mental health difficulties not allowed to occasionally go out and enjoy a hobby, would you be complaining if he had a physical disability and needed support throughout life?
To the poster who asked what did people like him do in the past, they were committed to asylums, these places were huge and housed hundreds of mentally ill people.

And there, OP, is a huge part of the problem. His father is enabling him to continue, without trying to change. If he can go out to enjoy himself, he can volunteer at the charity shop.

I'd be out of there, personally. His father's attitude would seal it for me.

I think a realistic aim is to put his gym kit in the machine and walk a dog. I see others disagree. But I think its possible.

@Plumpthecushions i dont wish to be rude, but how can you conclude from a few paragraphs that he has a disability whether we believe it or not? He is currently unable to work due to his mental health, that part is acknowledged as a definite. Yes, It may sound like he has an autistic profile, but no assessment in all of his 30 years has said so. It's not 'whether we believe he's autistic or not'? and it definitely isn't about what we think autism is or isn't.
His dad is actually physically disabled, so we're more than aware of how people need support, often for life. We find that different agencies involved with him don't seem to have a cohesive approach as to what he could be doing.
He applied for disability benefits and they were refused (yes, he was assisted by an independent organisation to complete them)
Where has anyone read that we put pressure on him to do anything? It's not occassional trips out with mates, it's every night (then he sleeps all day)
Thank you for all your valuable insights.