Daughter has moved back home, feeling lost.

[stickystickstick1]

Hey everyone

Im not new here but lost my old email. so im after some advice

So my 17 yr old daughter has moved back home with me. shes been living down south with her dad and now ex gf for past 8 yrs due to her behaviour back then. during those 8 yrs ive been visting every 4 months or so as its a long 6 hour journey for me and expensive. However due to her dad spliting up with the ex and leaving to move in with his new gf and her kids she was left to live with her dads ex. however im struggling with my feelings on it. i had to get her out as she was deeply unhappy and due to my ever decreasing health i wanted to be around both my girls (oldest has lived with me her whole life and is 18). but im not coping with the change, im used to having my own space doing my own thing and just i guess being a distant mum to her speaking everyday but not dealing with her. now please note she has a few mental health issues i belive she is either autistic or has adhd or another type of behavioural issue however due to her fathers denial there was anything wrong with her , growing up she never got the help she needed. so shes now very messed up in her own little way. i wanna help her become independant, have her own plce a steady job and be here own person. but there are things happening since she came back. so my other daughter isnt coming downstairs as much. my cat is terrifed of her so much so she is crying when we stroke her, shes growling at her and hiding all the time. its so hard to watch. being a indoor cat shes not used to strangers and its putting her off her food making her vomit etc. ive rang the vets for advice but idk why this is so hard for her. in terms of me i have a rare head conditon called pacymengetis and 5 days before xmas was told i have stage 1 heart failure. i have to go for a urgent scan in next 2 weeks and dont know what the future holds for me or my health. but this change is stressing me out so so much. being she is 17 i cant really contact the council because they will get the social involved and that will kill me off i swear stress wise, which isnt good for my heart. she cant get into college till at least septemeber, im trying to get her a job but i dont know how she is gonna cope in a mainstream job . im barely sleeping because i feel like she is up to stuff. (background story with her. from the ages of 8 to 15 she told a bunch of lies on family members for no reason or reasons ive never been told about. she has accused her dads ex gf of smacking her with a iron, she accused my parents of letting her watch pornogrpahy aged 5 but it was all a lie. as well as multiple other things she has accused people off but never me). because of this my parents dont trust her enough to have her in thier home who have room for her, where as i dont shes sofa surfing and living out of a duffle bag. people in the family including myself are very wary and scared of her because of these previous accusations against them.and i guess over the yrs its turned into resentment maybe idk. i dont know what to do. i wanna get her out of here and into her own place but where the hell do i even start. i can barely afford to live just me and the oldest never mind 3. and i cant even claim for her as she isnt in college. i feel so lost and as much as i want to help her. i also just wanna feel at ease again with my life. which i dont think is ever gonna hapen now she is back. any none judgmental advice would be great. thank you

Honestly, op I understand why your heads a mess - this is a big change, for you and your children.

However, you do need to put your big girl socks on. The cat being sick / your other daughter not coming downstairs / not being able to a financially claim on her / your exs behaviour/ your health / that it was easier for you when she was living with her dad and you only communicated via text - I’m sorry to say they are not your daughters issues, they are your issues. And as her mother you really do need to stop blaming everything on this child - who appears to have been passed from pillar to post, she needs to feel safe, wanted and loved. And that will happen for you both with strong boundaries and lots of working on your relationship, together.

So is she sofa surfing or living with you? I couldn’t make it out.

it must be very shit for her feeling so unwanted

That poor child. I'd go without eating to see my kid more than once every 4 months.
She's been dumped by everyone her whole life, and now you are saying you want her out?
Grow up and be a resilient parent for the first time in her life.
😢

She's 17 and needs stability, not to be "gotten out of here". Do you honestly think she'll thrive in her own space, whatever that could even be at 17?

What does your older DD do?

Honestly I understand that it sounds like it's going to be a huge job to parent her, but you need to actually try. Sorry about your health as well, that must be really scary.

How has she been coping at school up until now? Do you have any supportive friends or family?

You need to get social services involved because you clearly can't look after her properly alone and you shipped her off to her dad who did nothing but keep her out of your hair when she what she really needed was both her parents to seek proper medical and social help.

Now it will be 10 times harder and you only have until she's 18 and then she will time out and it will be even harder than that.

Everyone has let this girl down.

This poor girl. She sounds very vulnerable and has been neglected and let down by the adults whose job it is to raise her and protect her.

I think the best you can do for her is get her connected to some services that will help her because apparently neither of her parents are up to the job. She needs a social worker. You're going to have to put yourself aside and prioritise her needs.

I'm sorry for all your health worries and the stress,believe me my daughter has been such such hard work,but she's nearly 19 now and I have no intention of shipping her off anywhere alone at 9!!! And now her dad has left her and you obviously don't want her back,poor kid.

You can't really blame just her dad op for not getting her the ND appointments. She has 2 parents.

Jesus, OP. She’s 17. Poor kid. Time for you to be her mother.

Poor kid. You need to be a mother to her, but I think that it might be too late.

Social worker here - you need to love bomb the shit out of that kid! Seriously, she needs to be made to feel so so loved and welcome - overdo it and keep at it, no matter how she reacts, and keep doing it. Make her feel like its the best gift ever that you now have her in your home. The cat thing is mad im sorry, your daughters feelings should be your priority not the cat! Your health - thats awful, but your daughter being at home with you should be a joy. The past lies - she was 9! and that is very very typical childhood behaviour, especially where trauma is involved. You need to tell your parents this and encourage everyone to welcome her home with open arms. Reframe this to yourself as a wonderful opportunity to get closer, bond, and right some wrongs of the past and consistently surround her with positivity and make her feel like you are all thrilled she is there. Try and then get some support and diagnosis if you really think ASC and ADHD is a consideration. Ask for Family Help with local authority. If you really dont feel that this is in any way positive, which is sad, then fake it til you make it!

If you really cant do that I dont know what area you are in but there are services such as Step by Step that offer supported lodgings for 16-25 year olds in situations like yours, where a family will take them in and give them support in those young adult years. Its a wonderful scheme if you can find one in your area. If you PM me I can give you some more advice if you would like. Step by Step: Young People Charity | Youth Homeless Prevention

I had a lot of trouble with my daughter and she was very hard work. I persevered every time she came back, helped her with jobs. Eventually got her in a training school for hairdressing after lots of failed jobs. It was a thankless task . I was exhausted and convinced she hated me . When she left she would always get mixed up with the wrong types and sometime brought them home and lived here . Eventually she had counselling which lead her to get a late diagnosis of ADHD. The more I’ve learned about it the more I understand why she acted. Poor girl , I also am waiting for a diagnosis as I was similar growing up . It’s really hard work as a teenager what with hormones as well . Just do your best , try to get her some counselling if you can , it really helped my daughter, she’s now got a career in hairdressing and is always busy. She appreciates what I did for her now but didn’t at the time

Poor girl. Sent to live with her dad, and mum only visits 3 times a year: then Dad abandons her as well, no wonder she's struggling.

Poor girl. Nobody gives a shit about her do they

Oh dear, your poor poor daughter. The best thing you could do for her is contact social services in the morning. She deserves and needs so much better than this.

You seem to care more about your cat than your kid. Jesus.

I had a mum like you. I want to give your daughter a hug.

Poor kid, I agree with PP who suggests you contact social services. I hope she gets the help she needs as you clearly aren't in a position to provide it.

Your poor daughter, you’ve all let her down. I have an 8 year old autistic daughter and the thought of sending her away and seeing her three times a year breaks my heart. How could you

This

Maybe stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your daughter. Go from there. HTH.

She is trying to get attention, ANY attention. Everytime she is ignored, she has to ramp up the story. Nooone wants her.

Does she have any adult that she trusts?

Your poor, poor dd. How could you send her away and only visit 3 times a year? How could you make her sleep on the sofa? She must feel so unwanted by everyone. Give her a proper bed, she can share a room or you can sleep in the living room. Make her feel wanted and loved.

Why did you post this in the “parents of adult children” section? She is still a child.

This is your child.... You didn't bring her up so this is a big adjustment for you. You are the adult act like one. The cat is just being a cat, suck it up. Be a mum