Daughter has moved back home, feeling lost.

[stickystickstick1]

Hey everyone

Im not new here but lost my old email. so im after some advice

So my 17 yr old daughter has moved back home with me. shes been living down south with her dad and now ex gf for past 8 yrs due to her behaviour back then. during those 8 yrs ive been visting every 4 months or so as its a long 6 hour journey for me and expensive. However due to her dad spliting up with the ex and leaving to move in with his new gf and her kids she was left to live with her dads ex. however im struggling with my feelings on it. i had to get her out as she was deeply unhappy and due to my ever decreasing health i wanted to be around both my girls (oldest has lived with me her whole life and is 18). but im not coping with the change, im used to having my own space doing my own thing and just i guess being a distant mum to her speaking everyday but not dealing with her. now please note she has a few mental health issues i belive she is either autistic or has adhd or another type of behavioural issue however due to her fathers denial there was anything wrong with her , growing up she never got the help she needed. so shes now very messed up in her own little way. i wanna help her become independant, have her own plce a steady job and be here own person. but there are things happening since she came back. so my other daughter isnt coming downstairs as much. my cat is terrifed of her so much so she is crying when we stroke her, shes growling at her and hiding all the time. its so hard to watch. being a indoor cat shes not used to strangers and its putting her off her food making her vomit etc. ive rang the vets for advice but idk why this is so hard for her. in terms of me i have a rare head conditon called pacymengetis and 5 days before xmas was told i have stage 1 heart failure. i have to go for a urgent scan in next 2 weeks and dont know what the future holds for me or my health. but this change is stressing me out so so much. being she is 17 i cant really contact the council because they will get the social involved and that will kill me off i swear stress wise, which isnt good for my heart. she cant get into college till at least septemeber, im trying to get her a job but i dont know how she is gonna cope in a mainstream job . im barely sleeping because i feel like she is up to stuff. (background story with her. from the ages of 8 to 15 she told a bunch of lies on family members for no reason or reasons ive never been told about. she has accused her dads ex gf of smacking her with a iron, she accused my parents of letting her watch pornogrpahy aged 5 but it was all a lie. as well as multiple other things she has accused people off but never me). because of this my parents dont trust her enough to have her in thier home who have room for her, where as i dont shes sofa surfing and living out of a duffle bag. people in the family including myself are very wary and scared of her because of these previous accusations against them.and i guess over the yrs its turned into resentment maybe idk. i dont know what to do. i wanna get her out of here and into her own place but where the hell do i even start. i can barely afford to live just me and the oldest never mind 3. and i cant even claim for her as she isnt in college. i feel so lost and as much as i want to help her. i also just wanna feel at ease again with my life. which i dont think is ever gonna hapen now she is back. any none judgmental advice would be great. thank you

well she’s very lucky to have you as a mother 🙄 poor girl!

You’ve not missed one birthday? She’s your daughter and that’s your benchmark of good parenting? She’s so young and is being so failed by those who supposedly love her.

What fantastic advice this is. Mumsnet at its best.

Op, I think you have to assume that the move will end positively.
Sit down and have a chat to DD2 to work out what she is going to do - training, study, working etc and also where she can live in your home (not on the sofa) and what household chores she will be expected to do and cooking etc.
You might have half a sitting room that will suit as your space and allow your daughter to have her own room upstairs for a couple of years until she settles.
You might think it reasonable that your daughter has to either be working or studying/training and can not do nothing.

Work it out a week at a time. Hopefully, in another year you will all be trusting each other and your daughters will be working.

Focus on these wise words @stickystickstick1
You really need to step up and mother her.

I completely agree. You have asked for some help and @bigkahunaburger post was very helpful, and not at all judgemental. Try to focus on the information within it that might be useful for your daughter

Everyone was unanimously upset by the story that was painted, but that wasn’t what the OP wanted to hear. With the best will in the world, being defensive and focusing on yourself as the victim of a MN pile on is the easiest response, but not the one that will help you, either of your daughters …or even your cat! I really hope you will consider contacting step by step, or social services (or find someone who can deal with the stress of that if you don’t feel able - perhaps your older daughter if you say she is impacted by your youngest being in the house too) Even if you don’t like what people on here have said, or how they have said it, I hope that you can at least see why they might be saying it

I would not be looking to move her out. She's far too young and vulnerable for that. Why does she have to go but ur 18 dd stays. That just screams favourite to me and I'm sure to ur youngest DD. She'd feel rejected and that's absolutely the opposite of what she needs.

Don't send her away, welcome her, support her and get some help. Maybe start with a gp appointment and see if she can get referred for an assessment for adhd.

I do get that it's also a big upset to your household. Can't ur eldest dd share a room with her so she can have a proper bed to sleep in. Or cld u share with her temporarily. You're going to have to think about what u can do for the long term to accommodate her properly.

Ur thinking all about how's it's affecting ur life but u need to remember her whole world has been turned upside down. See it from her perspective.

I'd try and settle her in for now. She can think about a part time job or something in a few weeks/months until she cld possibly start college.

I read this post yesterday and can't stop thinking about that little girl.

17 is so young. Turning up for her birthday and travelling to see her once every 4 months is simply not enough.

Read up on attachment disorder. Read some books. Likely her behaviour stems from lack of connection and insecurity. It is your job to fix this. Your needs come far, far, far below hers. She is a child.

Honestly, if I knew you (and her), id be reporting to social services. Imagine having a mum who wants you 'out' because you upset the calm at home. It's quite repulsive.

Grow up and be a mother! You sound very selfish. Pathetic actually.