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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Daughter has moved back home, feeling lost.

84 replies

stickystickstick1 · 14/01/2025 20:54

Hey everyone

Im not new here but lost my old email. so im after some advice

So my 17 yr old daughter has moved back home with me. shes been living down south with her dad and now ex gf for past 8 yrs due to her behaviour back then. during those 8 yrs ive been visting every 4 months or so as its a long 6 hour journey for me and expensive. However due to her dad spliting up with the ex and leaving to move in with his new gf and her kids she was left to live with her dads ex. however im struggling with my feelings on it. i had to get her out as she was deeply unhappy and due to my ever decreasing health i wanted to be around both my girls (oldest has lived with me her whole life and is 18). but im not coping with the change, im used to having my own space doing my own thing and just i guess being a distant mum to her speaking everyday but not dealing with her. now please note she has a few mental health issues i belive she is either autistic or has adhd or another type of behavioural issue however due to her fathers denial there was anything wrong with her , growing up she never got the help she needed. so shes now very messed up in her own little way. i wanna help her become independant, have her own plce a steady job and be here own person. but there are things happening since she came back. so my other daughter isnt coming downstairs as much. my cat is terrifed of her so much so she is crying when we stroke her, shes growling at her and hiding all the time. its so hard to watch. being a indoor cat shes not used to strangers and its putting her off her food making her vomit etc. ive rang the vets for advice but idk why this is so hard for her. in terms of me i have a rare head conditon called pacymengetis and 5 days before xmas was told i have stage 1 heart failure. i have to go for a urgent scan in next 2 weeks and dont know what the future holds for me or my health. but this change is stressing me out so so much. being she is 17 i cant really contact the council because they will get the social involved and that will kill me off i swear stress wise, which isnt good for my heart. she cant get into college till at least septemeber, im trying to get her a job but i dont know how she is gonna cope in a mainstream job . im barely sleeping because i feel like she is up to stuff. (background story with her. from the ages of 8 to 15 she told a bunch of lies on family members for no reason or reasons ive never been told about. she has accused her dads ex gf of smacking her with a iron, she accused my parents of letting her watch pornogrpahy aged 5 but it was all a lie. as well as multiple other things she has accused people off but never me). because of this my parents dont trust her enough to have her in thier home who have room for her, where as i dont shes sofa surfing and living out of a duffle bag. people in the family including myself are very wary and scared of her because of these previous accusations against them.and i guess over the yrs its turned into resentment maybe idk. i dont know what to do. i wanna get her out of here and into her own place but where the hell do i even start. i can barely afford to live just me and the oldest never mind 3. and i cant even claim for her as she isnt in college. i feel so lost and as much as i want to help her. i also just wanna feel at ease again with my life. which i dont think is ever gonna hapen now she is back. any none judgmental advice would be great. thank you

OP posts:
HJ40 · 14/01/2025 22:44

Sounds like she'd be better off if you did involve social services. You seem to prefer everyone and everything to her.

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 22:45

I think you should involve the authorities if your daughter will need her own place and benefits once she turns 18. Wait until then, and then start the process of telling them her problems and what the set up could be

Toolardy · 14/01/2025 22:46

Poor girl. Having two selfish parents.

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 22:46

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 22:45

I think you should involve the authorities if your daughter will need her own place and benefits once she turns 18. Wait until then, and then start the process of telling them her problems and what the set up could be

Also, it is like English people do not know their own country and the way they could be helped by their own government. Like what?

Redwinedaze · 14/01/2025 22:49

I hope your poor daughter finds the strength to be her best cheerleader because no one else seems to care about her.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 22:49

Don’t worry about the cat. Worry about your daughter who is still a child and homeless.

Yoyooo · 14/01/2025 22:51

You sound like a terrible mother

bigkahunaburger · 14/01/2025 22:52

Seriously OP look at Step by Step for supported lodgings for her. All of us volunteers are vetted heavily and we do courses and regular training and provide 15 hours a week of support to help build hte young person towards independence. Most of us are social workers, or counsellors or health professionals. Most of the young people have had breakdown of relationship with their families and/or have autism or learning difficulties or some mental health issues. I do it myself, its very rewarding if anyone is interested.

PM me if you want more information.

kalokagathos · 14/01/2025 22:54

You need to fix up and support your daughter. It's not about you.

ShirkingFromHome95 · 14/01/2025 22:54

Hard to really comment without knowing the full story but if she's grown up with learning difficulties which haven't been addressed through no fault of her own, has only been visited 3x a year by her mum, and then subsequently abandoned by her dad and left in an awkward living arrangement with her dad's ex....well, no wonder she has issues.

I don't think the cat is really a priority here.

abracadabra1980 · 14/01/2025 22:57

MyPrettyLittlePony · 14/01/2025 21:10

Honestly, op I understand why your heads a mess - this is a big change, for you and your children.

However, you do need to put your big girl socks on. The cat being sick / your other daughter not coming downstairs / not being able to a financially claim on her / your exs behaviour/ your health / that it was easier for you when she was living with her dad and you only communicated via text - I’m sorry to say they are not your daughters issues, they are your issues. And as her mother you really do need to stop blaming everything on this child - who appears to have been passed from pillar to post, she needs to feel safe, wanted and loved. And that will happen for you both with strong boundaries and lots of working on your relationship, together.

Edited

This is a really well articulated post and I agree with everything in it. Your child's welfare comes first, OP.

Nothatgingerpirate · 14/01/2025 23:01

OneAquaFatball · 14/01/2025 22:33

I had a mum like you. I want to give your daughter a hug.

This.
Sorry, @OneAquaFatball
❤️

OneAquaFatball · 14/01/2025 23:03

Nothatgingerpirate · 14/01/2025 23:01

This.
Sorry, @OneAquaFatball
❤️

Show quote history

big love to you, @Nothatgingerpirate xx

Eenameenadeeka · 14/01/2025 23:04

Wow.
This poor child has been failed by every adult. It sounds like social services do need to be involved, you want your own child, who is still a child, to live alone because you are more worried about the cat. Please find her the support she needs because you ar clearly unable to provide it yourself.

StormingNorman · 14/01/2025 23:06

This must be so difficult for you and the cat.

Lavenderblossoms · 14/01/2025 23:09

Get some feliway plug in for the at. It should help calm it down.

bigkahunaburger · 14/01/2025 23:09

I know right! Wont someone think of that poor poor cat!?

Seriously, Im a huge cat lover, but this had me open mouthed.

Bizarred · 14/01/2025 23:13

bigkahunaburger · 14/01/2025 22:25

Social worker here - you need to love bomb the shit out of that kid! Seriously, she needs to be made to feel so so loved and welcome - overdo it and keep at it, no matter how she reacts, and keep doing it. Make her feel like its the best gift ever that you now have her in your home. The cat thing is mad im sorry, your daughters feelings should be your priority not the cat! Your health - thats awful, but your daughter being at home with you should be a joy. The past lies - she was 9! and that is very very typical childhood behaviour, especially where trauma is involved. You need to tell your parents this and encourage everyone to welcome her home with open arms. Reframe this to yourself as a wonderful opportunity to get closer, bond, and right some wrongs of the past and consistently surround her with positivity and make her feel like you are all thrilled she is there. Try and then get some support and diagnosis if you really think ASC and ADHD is a consideration. Ask for Family Help with local authority. If you really dont feel that this is in any way positive, which is sad, then fake it til you make it!

If you really cant do that I dont know what area you are in but there are services such as Step by Step that offer supported lodgings for 16-25 year olds in situations like yours, where a family will take them in and give them support in those young adult years. Its a wonderful scheme if you can find one in your area. If you PM me I can give you some more advice if you would like. Step by Step: Young People Charity | Youth Homeless Prevention

^ This. Contact Step-by-step. She has been let down by everyone. Maybe Step-by-step can literally step in where her family clearly can't.

Oneanonymouspost · 14/01/2025 23:15

bigkahunaburger · 14/01/2025 22:25

Social worker here - you need to love bomb the shit out of that kid! Seriously, she needs to be made to feel so so loved and welcome - overdo it and keep at it, no matter how she reacts, and keep doing it. Make her feel like its the best gift ever that you now have her in your home. The cat thing is mad im sorry, your daughters feelings should be your priority not the cat! Your health - thats awful, but your daughter being at home with you should be a joy. The past lies - she was 9! and that is very very typical childhood behaviour, especially where trauma is involved. You need to tell your parents this and encourage everyone to welcome her home with open arms. Reframe this to yourself as a wonderful opportunity to get closer, bond, and right some wrongs of the past and consistently surround her with positivity and make her feel like you are all thrilled she is there. Try and then get some support and diagnosis if you really think ASC and ADHD is a consideration. Ask for Family Help with local authority. If you really dont feel that this is in any way positive, which is sad, then fake it til you make it!

If you really cant do that I dont know what area you are in but there are services such as Step by Step that offer supported lodgings for 16-25 year olds in situations like yours, where a family will take them in and give them support in those young adult years. Its a wonderful scheme if you can find one in your area. If you PM me I can give you some more advice if you would like. Step by Step: Young People Charity | Youth Homeless Prevention

5 year olds do not lie about being shown pornography, I have an almost 5 year old, she lies all the time, lies about washing her hands after going to the toilet, lies about eating a biscuit out the cupboard, lies about her brother having made the mess on the floor etc. she doesn’t lie about pornograph because she had absolutely no idea what that is. If OPs daughter told a story about pornograph SOMETHING has happened to this child. And instead of dealing with it and supporting her child she shipped her off to her equally useless father. Poor poor child. It’s much too late for Love bombing

Cycleaway · 14/01/2025 23:17

This post is really hard to read. OP you sound overwhelmed and like you’ve had a hard time yourself. But I hope you take people’s reactions here on the chin rather than think everyone is getting at you, because your poor daughter deserves someone to step up for her. If that can’t be you, please follow up some of the suggestions people have made, so that she can be in an environment where she feels wanted and cared for

Avenuesandboulevards · 14/01/2025 23:17

Can you describe more of the behaviours thar are challenging? Maybe we could help point you in the direction of some support for your daughter.

I sympathise as I know it can be very difficult with troubled teens but she is only 17, brains aren't fully developed until 25, there is a long way to go before she is an adult (I know everyone is an adult in the eyes of the law at 18 but they truly aren't and still need love and support as our children).
She needs you as her mum to make her feel safe and secure and loved. Yes it is going to be difficult and sometimes thankless but I guess that's what we sign up for when we have them.
I hope you come back to this thread so we can help you both more.

Regarding the cat, it will be fine with time, they just take a while to adapt.

Avenuesandboulevards · 14/01/2025 23:19

Oneanonymouspost · 14/01/2025 23:15

5 year olds do not lie about being shown pornography, I have an almost 5 year old, she lies all the time, lies about washing her hands after going to the toilet, lies about eating a biscuit out the cupboard, lies about her brother having made the mess on the floor etc. she doesn’t lie about pornograph because she had absolutely no idea what that is. If OPs daughter told a story about pornograph SOMETHING has happened to this child. And instead of dealing with it and supporting her child she shipped her off to her equally useless father. Poor poor child. It’s much too late for Love bombing

Show quote history

I had read it as she made the allegation years later that they showed it to her when she was 5. I obviously might be wrong though

bigkahunaburger · 14/01/2025 23:21

Oneanonymouspost · 14/01/2025 23:15

5 year olds do not lie about being shown pornography, I have an almost 5 year old, she lies all the time, lies about washing her hands after going to the toilet, lies about eating a biscuit out the cupboard, lies about her brother having made the mess on the floor etc. she doesn’t lie about pornograph because she had absolutely no idea what that is. If OPs daughter told a story about pornograph SOMETHING has happened to this child. And instead of dealing with it and supporting her child she shipped her off to her equally useless father. Poor poor child. It’s much too late for Love bombing

Show quote history

She didnt say that at 5 years old - she said it when she was an older teen (or thats how I read it) and that it happened when she was 5 years old. Teens who have been through trauma and feel unwanted and neglected, absolutely do lie and appear to have behavioural issues. And it isnt too late for OP to turn this around. With a lot of love, patience, time, counselling and social services support the daughter coming home could be the making of this family. If OP is willing. Ive seen a lot worse be turned around with the right consistent regular support. Not overnight, but over time.

blackandwhitefur · 14/01/2025 23:35

With all due respect your post comes across very self centred and most of it focuses on the affect she has on your life, your health or the feelings of your other family members - including the cat. You mention not visiting her as it was 'too far and expensive' and money comes into again when you say you can't even claim for her. She clearly had issues that needed a referral years ago and you admit this by saying she never got the help she needed but in no way put yourself responsible for that too. If you had been there more often perhaps this could have happened but instead you blame the dad for being in denial. You seem to have put your own health issues first but never once thought to help her with hers. She was abandoned by her mum, now abandoned by her dad, living with the ex, and now she has been forced back to you, you feel you need to help her, but only because you want to 'get her out of here' - for your benefit not hers because this current situation stresses you out and you're not sleeping and worrying what she's up to. Have you asked her how she is feeling or whether she is sleeping ok or care about how stressed she may be like a mother should do? She is sofa surfing and living in a duffle bag - awful. If the dad hadn't split with the ex you would have been perfectly happy it seems carrying on seeing her 3 times a year. Forget your parents feelings and the cat and anyone else and start being a mum to this poor girl. You asked for non-judgemental responses but please re-read your post as it seems all you have done is judged your daughter all her life.

Original poster
stickystickstick1 · 14/01/2025 23:40

can i just say, you people have this all wrong. its got nothing to do with me not wanting her. i did all i could to get her home amongst the hate i got down there from her grandparents and even her dad. and i did that to get her out of where she was. of course im happy for her to be home. this whole oh you only seen her 3 times a year, i live up north she lived down south. it cost me over £500 a time to go see her and being on universal credit sickness only it was not something i could afford lightly. i never missed one birthday of hers not one. and i went to see her when i had the money too or when i wasnt havent brain surgery!! i even went to see her 2 weeks after my first surgery and ive went down when i couldnt afford a hotel and came back the same night ive done it all for her. yes she went to live with her dad, shes been living with her dad for 8 yrs. so she has not been pasted from pillar to post. he just chose to split up with his gf and leave her behind. which is obvs disgusting. you people really do have me all wrong. of course im happy for her to be here. what im not happy about is these judgemental comments from perfect parents who think they know excatly what im going through which you dont. my other daughter is in college learning to be a beauty thearpist and she is 18 thanks for asking. this is the first post on here ive made in 10 yrs. reminds me why i shouldnt come back to be honest.

OP posts: