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Parents of adult children

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Daughter has moved back home, feeling lost.

84 replies

stickystickstick1 · 14/01/2025 20:54

Hey everyone

Im not new here but lost my old email. so im after some advice

So my 17 yr old daughter has moved back home with me. shes been living down south with her dad and now ex gf for past 8 yrs due to her behaviour back then. during those 8 yrs ive been visting every 4 months or so as its a long 6 hour journey for me and expensive. However due to her dad spliting up with the ex and leaving to move in with his new gf and her kids she was left to live with her dads ex. however im struggling with my feelings on it. i had to get her out as she was deeply unhappy and due to my ever decreasing health i wanted to be around both my girls (oldest has lived with me her whole life and is 18). but im not coping with the change, im used to having my own space doing my own thing and just i guess being a distant mum to her speaking everyday but not dealing with her. now please note she has a few mental health issues i belive she is either autistic or has adhd or another type of behavioural issue however due to her fathers denial there was anything wrong with her , growing up she never got the help she needed. so shes now very messed up in her own little way. i wanna help her become independant, have her own plce a steady job and be here own person. but there are things happening since she came back. so my other daughter isnt coming downstairs as much. my cat is terrifed of her so much so she is crying when we stroke her, shes growling at her and hiding all the time. its so hard to watch. being a indoor cat shes not used to strangers and its putting her off her food making her vomit etc. ive rang the vets for advice but idk why this is so hard for her. in terms of me i have a rare head conditon called pacymengetis and 5 days before xmas was told i have stage 1 heart failure. i have to go for a urgent scan in next 2 weeks and dont know what the future holds for me or my health. but this change is stressing me out so so much. being she is 17 i cant really contact the council because they will get the social involved and that will kill me off i swear stress wise, which isnt good for my heart. she cant get into college till at least septemeber, im trying to get her a job but i dont know how she is gonna cope in a mainstream job . im barely sleeping because i feel like she is up to stuff. (background story with her. from the ages of 8 to 15 she told a bunch of lies on family members for no reason or reasons ive never been told about. she has accused her dads ex gf of smacking her with a iron, she accused my parents of letting her watch pornogrpahy aged 5 but it was all a lie. as well as multiple other things she has accused people off but never me). because of this my parents dont trust her enough to have her in thier home who have room for her, where as i dont shes sofa surfing and living out of a duffle bag. people in the family including myself are very wary and scared of her because of these previous accusations against them.and i guess over the yrs its turned into resentment maybe idk. i dont know what to do. i wanna get her out of here and into her own place but where the hell do i even start. i can barely afford to live just me and the oldest never mind 3. and i cant even claim for her as she isnt in college. i feel so lost and as much as i want to help her. i also just wanna feel at ease again with my life. which i dont think is ever gonna hapen now she is back. any none judgmental advice would be great. thank you

OP posts:
sometimesmovingforwards · 14/01/2025 23:45

Your kid has had a really tough childhood.

But yes, I can see why the cat’s nervous disposition is obviously concerning you at this very delicate juncture…

Avenuesandboulevards · 14/01/2025 23:48

stickystickstick1 · 14/01/2025 23:40

can i just say, you people have this all wrong. its got nothing to do with me not wanting her. i did all i could to get her home amongst the hate i got down there from her grandparents and even her dad. and i did that to get her out of where she was. of course im happy for her to be home. this whole oh you only seen her 3 times a year, i live up north she lived down south. it cost me over £500 a time to go see her and being on universal credit sickness only it was not something i could afford lightly. i never missed one birthday of hers not one. and i went to see her when i had the money too or when i wasnt havent brain surgery!! i even went to see her 2 weeks after my first surgery and ive went down when i couldnt afford a hotel and came back the same night ive done it all for her. yes she went to live with her dad, shes been living with her dad for 8 yrs. so she has not been pasted from pillar to post. he just chose to split up with his gf and leave her behind. which is obvs disgusting. you people really do have me all wrong. of course im happy for her to be here. what im not happy about is these judgemental comments from perfect parents who think they know excatly what im going through which you dont. my other daughter is in college learning to be a beauty thearpist and she is 18 thanks for asking. this is the first post on here ive made in 10 yrs. reminds me why i shouldnt come back to be honest.

There have been a number of posters who have offered advice and I have asked for more information to try and help.
Can your daughter not share a room with her sister? That might help her feel more settled

FootstepAway · 14/01/2025 23:56

You don't need to convince us, so don't waste energy getting defensive on an anonymous forum - I'd follow the advice upthread and lovebomb her!
Be consistent and loving.
Best of luck.

ByHardyAquaFox · 14/01/2025 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bigkahunaburger · 15/01/2025 00:01

OP can you explain more about what the real issues are right now with her in your home? What are your concerns? Does she have her own room? If not can she share a bedroom with you? her sister? rather than a sofa so it feels more permanent and more welcoming. Can she have your room rather than the sofa? Can you think of some things you can do to make her feel more welcome?

Why are you worried about her not starting college until September? She has had a lot of upheaval I think it would be nice for her to settle in with you all and start to feel at home with no pressure. What are her interests? passions? Can you spend quality time with her (it doesnt have to cost anything) where you encourage her to share these with you? You could spend time doing something she loves together. Gaming, cooking, make-up, watching 80s movies - whatever it is, use this time to really 'bond' and make her feel welcome and heard. If your eldest is struggling, encourage family time together, activities they can do together or all of you can - bowling, cinema - or just a walk in the woods. Is there anything they both like? Try and facilitate that more.

Time, patience, and being fully present will help.

bigkahunaburger · 15/01/2025 00:13

Whilst we dont know the reasons why you moved across the country without your daughter, I do agree that people judging you seeing her a few times a year arent seeing the bigger picture. Sometimes people have to make gut wrenching decisions to move far away from their children, sometimes overseas, due to relationship breakdowns, visas, financial reasons, and simply cannot make regular visits due to finances, ill health, caring responsibilities etc. Not everyone has it easy and sometimes you have to do your very best in a bad situation. I do sympathise with that. I commend you for getting there as often as you did given your finances and your health situation.

Moving forward, I know these comments are hard to hear, but please remember people are genuinely trying to help due to concern for this young girl. It was a hard read, however Im sure you havent given us all the details because it will probably be too nuanced. I urge you to come back, with more of the details about the current situation so people can give you advice.

Livelovebehappy · 15/01/2025 00:16

I have no words…this poor girl has been let down massively by the adults in her life. I’m really not surprised her MH is screwed.

CandlesAndCrystals · 15/01/2025 00:24

Social services won't be remotely interested in a 17yr old.

She's of working age I think? Unless it's been raised to 18? I'm going to assume it hasn't. So she needs to do two things. First claim universal credit and second get to her new GP for health investigation into neurodiversity/mental health.

If she refuses to do either of these you kick her out. There's no other way if you can't afford to feed her or pay the extra in bills. Unwell or not, she has to grow up. She can't spend her life being babied by a mother who is unwell herself.

If she's kicked out and engages with the council she'll be helped to apply for UC, encouraged to see her GP if needed and possibly given temporary accommodation (if there's anything available and she's got the sense not to turn it down) while she bids for a council flat or helped into private rental she wouldn't otherwise have access to. They have schemes that help with the deposit and landlords that will take benefits claimants, for example.

Universal credit will expect her to look for a job. So she either needs signing off sick from the doctor so she's not required to look for work or she needs to look for a job. Having no skills or qualifications means she'll have to get a job that doesn't require any, like others in the same situation. It's not something to panic about it's something to get on with.

She can forget college. Unless you're funding her living expenses while she lives at home, she can't afford it. You can't claim UC as a full time student who isn't looking for or available for work. If you're signed off and claiming for ill health, you can probably do college as a part time student. I'm unsure of the details of the rules. UC isn't a way to fund yourself through college though. Student loans aren't enough to pay for everything that's needed and if she's someone who struggles with life she is unlikely to be able to study and work part time to top up the loans. You also don't sound like you'd be in a financial position to stand as guarantor for her student accommodation costs, which they'll want. So moving out and going to college/university isn't happening.

If she's going to remain living with you while she goes to college then she can come off UC at that time and quit whatever job she's found, attending college instead. September is a long way away so she should still claim UC now.

You can't find her a job OP that's ridiculous. Nobody is going to employ someone who is either too lazy or too mentally disturbed to apply for it themselves!

Agree she needs a bed if she's living there. Unless she's made homeless, the only way she's going to get her own place is by getting a job and paying for it. Majority of landlords won't rent to people on benefits.

If you didn't want her you should have left her where she was, if the ex girlfriend wanted to live alone she'd have either kicked DD out if it was her home or she'd have ended the tenancy if it was a rental, either if which would have made DD homeless and eligible for help from the council.

You instead took her in, so get her a bed (or she can get one out of her UC payment) and she needs somewhere to put it. Either she shares a room with her sister or you turn the living room into her bedroom, depending on the setup of the home and practicalities. If eldest doesn't like it, she can get her own place and move out as at 18 she's an adult and responsible for herself.

Get the cat checked by a vet. Idk much about cats but a known difficult person, a cat crying when you touch it, vomiting food and growling at the difficult person - I'd be wondering if the cat had been physically harmed by her.

Youngest DD getting her own place is going to involve a flat share, lodging or a HMO, she's not going to be able to afford a flat to herself. Be realistic.

Eldest DD may fair better if she has a good job. Otherwise the same goes for her.

It's no good everyone want want wanting. The situation is what it is and you'll all have to get on with it. Using whatever means is available to you.

CandlesAndCrystals · 15/01/2025 00:30

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 14/01/2025 22:46

Also, it is like English people do not know their own country and the way they could be helped by their own government. Like what?

It's true. It's not taught anywhere. Unless you know people who have had involvement with the various services, you'll know nothing whatsoever about any help out there. The government don't want you to know! They don't want you to apply for help because one way or another that'll cost them money. Which is far more concerning to them than the welfare of their own citizens.

you people really do have me all wrong. of course im happy for her to be here

OP you've brought that on yourself. You make it sound like you can't afford her, don't like her, don't trust her, don't want her around and want her moved out into her own place like yesterday. That's how your first post comes across and people have responded accordingly.

Monty27 · 15/01/2025 00:36

You chucked her out or she felt she had to leave is debatable from both sides no doubt.
Now she's HAD to come back because her DF has abandoned her.
Poor kid.

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/01/2025 00:48

If your home is overcrowded with the 3 of you, would it be possible for your elder DD to move in with your parents?

bigkahunaburger · 15/01/2025 00:50

CandlesAndCrystals · 15/01/2025 00:24

Social services won't be remotely interested in a 17yr old.

She's of working age I think? Unless it's been raised to 18? I'm going to assume it hasn't. So she needs to do two things. First claim universal credit and second get to her new GP for health investigation into neurodiversity/mental health.

If she refuses to do either of these you kick her out. There's no other way if you can't afford to feed her or pay the extra in bills. Unwell or not, she has to grow up. She can't spend her life being babied by a mother who is unwell herself.

If she's kicked out and engages with the council she'll be helped to apply for UC, encouraged to see her GP if needed and possibly given temporary accommodation (if there's anything available and she's got the sense not to turn it down) while she bids for a council flat or helped into private rental she wouldn't otherwise have access to. They have schemes that help with the deposit and landlords that will take benefits claimants, for example.

Universal credit will expect her to look for a job. So she either needs signing off sick from the doctor so she's not required to look for work or she needs to look for a job. Having no skills or qualifications means she'll have to get a job that doesn't require any, like others in the same situation. It's not something to panic about it's something to get on with.

She can forget college. Unless you're funding her living expenses while she lives at home, she can't afford it. You can't claim UC as a full time student who isn't looking for or available for work. If you're signed off and claiming for ill health, you can probably do college as a part time student. I'm unsure of the details of the rules. UC isn't a way to fund yourself through college though. Student loans aren't enough to pay for everything that's needed and if she's someone who struggles with life she is unlikely to be able to study and work part time to top up the loans. You also don't sound like you'd be in a financial position to stand as guarantor for her student accommodation costs, which they'll want. So moving out and going to college/university isn't happening.

If she's going to remain living with you while she goes to college then she can come off UC at that time and quit whatever job she's found, attending college instead. September is a long way away so she should still claim UC now.

You can't find her a job OP that's ridiculous. Nobody is going to employ someone who is either too lazy or too mentally disturbed to apply for it themselves!

Agree she needs a bed if she's living there. Unless she's made homeless, the only way she's going to get her own place is by getting a job and paying for it. Majority of landlords won't rent to people on benefits.

If you didn't want her you should have left her where she was, if the ex girlfriend wanted to live alone she'd have either kicked DD out if it was her home or she'd have ended the tenancy if it was a rental, either if which would have made DD homeless and eligible for help from the council.

You instead took her in, so get her a bed (or she can get one out of her UC payment) and she needs somewhere to put it. Either she shares a room with her sister or you turn the living room into her bedroom, depending on the setup of the home and practicalities. If eldest doesn't like it, she can get her own place and move out as at 18 she's an adult and responsible for herself.

Get the cat checked by a vet. Idk much about cats but a known difficult person, a cat crying when you touch it, vomiting food and growling at the difficult person - I'd be wondering if the cat had been physically harmed by her.

Youngest DD getting her own place is going to involve a flat share, lodging or a HMO, she's not going to be able to afford a flat to herself. Be realistic.

Eldest DD may fair better if she has a good job. Otherwise the same goes for her.

It's no good everyone want want wanting. The situation is what it is and you'll all have to get on with it. Using whatever means is available to you.

Social services (low level - family help) or equivalent in your area will be interested if you want support to help her. Such as help with transition, parenting tools and strategies, etc. A family practitioner (not a qualified social worker) will come out and give advice. Its what I would recommend if this was my case.

She wont get UC because shes under 18 and will be living at home.

GP referral for assessment for ADHD/ASC and any other mental health issues is a good recommend, but expect a 3 year wait depending on where you are. You might see the behaviours you are concerned about diminish though if you can provide a consistent loving home where she feels safe. A lot of her behaviours are more likely to be rooted in trauma. Get a referral to italk for her or equivalent (online self-referral for counselling). She can start that pretty quick. Also think about that for yourself OP to help you with her and your health issues and the changes.

DO NOT KICK HER OUT! If you do, I fear the damage to her and your relationship will be catastrophic.

I agree she needs a bed. Bunk beds with sister - a single bed put in your room, living room converted - whatever you have to do, but make it a permanent and dont act like its a chore, or inconvenience, but an exciting new change and one you are very happy about.

The other poster suggesting this poor girl has hurt the cat is just going to make the OP even more negative towards her. Cats - especially indoor ones - are super sensitive to change and new folks. Thats all it is. And your focus OP needs to be on how comfortable your daughter feels right now, because i am betting she feels very very lost, confused, scared, unwanted, and all at sea. Please try to be her rock and her safe space.

Keep sharing...

Freehugs · 15/01/2025 01:47

Hey

“i had to get her out as she was deeply unhappy”

Having lived with her dad and dad’s gf for 8 years I assume it’s likely the ex gf played a huge part in the upbringing of your dd. Unconventional but not unheard of for step children to live with or keep in contact with step parents after a split. Why was your dd unhappy living with the ex gf?

I could imagine it would be a tough transition to be going through for the gf and your dd following the spilt. Dealing with the loss of the relationship, the dad moving on with a new family and being left to care for her dsd couldn’t have been easy. I imagine mental health and wellbeing would have been at an all time low for both step parent and your dd.

Did your ex and his ex gf agree dd could stay there following there spilt? Are you or dd still in contact with the exgf? Is it an option for dd to return home there? Perhaps a short period of respite was needed. Ultimately that area was her home and the ex gf played a huge part in her life for 8 years. Perhaps there could be an option for your dd to return and you offer her support such as offering a listening ear when she’s feeling low.

If that really isn’t an option then you have to realise you have moved an individual far away from their home, friends and family that have supported her for 8 years. She was never just going to merge with your life after 8 years. This is going to be a difficult transition. If she isn’t well supported and loved she’s going to become isolated and her mental health will further deteriorate.

If you aren’t able to accommodate or make room for her within your home, and think she should be supported into independent living then please consider contacting the relevant agencies back in the area she has lived in for the past 8 years.

It sounds as though she doesn’t have a strong support network as it is but at least she would have some established support back home.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 15/01/2025 03:52

Your poor daughter. She's been abandoned by everyone.

I second love bombing her.

Also I think you should give her your room and you take the couch. She needs to feel wanted and settled.

HowMuchOfYourHeart · 15/01/2025 04:22

You’re a disgrace, as is her father.

The poor girl likely may have ADHD or similar, but more likely she has MH issues due to having such shit parents.

The only reason why you’re getting even the remotest bit of sympathy on here is because you’re a woman. If the now ex gf posted on here at the time that the DSD had behavioural issues, that her mum had chucked her out when she was 9 and only saw her three times a year she would be told that this is likely where her behavioural issues stem from.

You’re an adult, you’ve let your daughter down her whole life, you’ve favoured her sister and now they have 0 relationship and neither do you.

Time to grow up and be the parent you checked out of being 8 years ago.

You’re more worried about your cat than the child you ditched because you didn’t want to cope with her.

Heart failure isn’t the death sentence you’re wanting people on here to think. It’s a term chucked around like confetti, and although can be serious, essentially is just a term now which indicates that your heart isn’t functioning as well as it should be. Hopefully with the right medication you will live as normal a life as possible. And FWIW I am now in what might be said to be severe and chronic heart failure, am waiting for a transplant and have just been told that my medication isn’t working and I am waiting to be admitted to hospital for the urgent transplant list. But there are a million people in the UK living with heart failure, and most of those are living normal lives.

Thornybush · 15/01/2025 04:29

OP I'm sorry but your children are your responsibility. Just because she's almost an adult doesn't mean you can just dump her on the street. She needs a loving home where she feels cherished not a burden. Redone the cat if you need to
Give up your room and sleep in the living room yourself. Poor poor girl.

Thornybush · 15/01/2025 04:29

*rehome the cat

yipyipyop · 15/01/2025 05:48

She must feel so unwanted. She's been let didn't by both useless parents

blackandwhitefur · 15/01/2025 06:20

stickystickstick1 · 14/01/2025 23:40

can i just say, you people have this all wrong. its got nothing to do with me not wanting her. i did all i could to get her home amongst the hate i got down there from her grandparents and even her dad. and i did that to get her out of where she was. of course im happy for her to be home. this whole oh you only seen her 3 times a year, i live up north she lived down south. it cost me over £500 a time to go see her and being on universal credit sickness only it was not something i could afford lightly. i never missed one birthday of hers not one. and i went to see her when i had the money too or when i wasnt havent brain surgery!! i even went to see her 2 weeks after my first surgery and ive went down when i couldnt afford a hotel and came back the same night ive done it all for her. yes she went to live with her dad, shes been living with her dad for 8 yrs. so she has not been pasted from pillar to post. he just chose to split up with his gf and leave her behind. which is obvs disgusting. you people really do have me all wrong. of course im happy for her to be here. what im not happy about is these judgemental comments from perfect parents who think they know excatly what im going through which you dont. my other daughter is in college learning to be a beauty thearpist and she is 18 thanks for asking. this is the first post on here ive made in 10 yrs. reminds me why i shouldnt come back to be honest.

That is not how you wrote your original post. People haven't got it wrong. They have responded according to what you wrote.

Goldbar · 15/01/2025 06:28

I suspect much of the issue is that your DD's welfare has never been prioritised by either of her parents.

I'm not sure whether you meant to come across this way, OP, but it did sound as if the cat's welfare is more important to you. If you have to pick one, I think most normal people would say to rehome the cat, not your child.

SanDiegoZoo · 15/01/2025 06:49

You asked for no judgement but that’s borderline impossible after what you just wrote. Do you even like your child? “Need to get her out of here”, “something wrong with her”, branding her a liar… this poor kid.

How come one DD stayed with you and the other didn’t? Are they half siblings?

The cat will cope. My cat was an indoor cat and always made a scene with new people for a little bit and after a while she was fine. It’s a cat. Your daughter is a person.

As much as I feel for your health issues, you need to step up as a parent. It’s shameful how little support this girl has had throughout her life. If you’re that ill maybe make amends and an effort so you can salvage this relationship.

Gingerbiscuitt · 15/01/2025 07:00

What did she do that was so bad you sent her away at 9 years old and only visited her around 3 times a year in all this time? Those were worrying lies and she should've seen a child psychologist. What's her behaviour like now she's living with you? She obviously feels unwanted. You told her you didn't want her when she was a small child and now her dad doesn't want her. I wouldn't be surprised if her behaviour worsens and she gets up to all sorts of risky behaviour.

Wildwalksinjanuary · 15/01/2025 07:09

This is your one opportunity to turn things around. The cat will cope. As will your other daughter. The important thing now is that you make your beautiful dd so welcome. You make her feel so loved and wanted. Does she have a room? Can you set her up properly?

If your health is so bad then see this time with your children as a gift, it was meant to be. You have this precious time with her. So make room in your lives for her. Take her out for lunch or a coffee, tell her every day that you missed her and love her. Help her find a local job. Support her and be interested in her college work. Run her a bath. Look at her face. Get to know who she is. It’s a blessing she is back in your life, and who knows you may be able to form the strongest of bonds now.

Please line up some counselling for her, she will need to talk through her feelings of her father’s rejection of her You can do this through the GP. She also needs a clinical assessment to see if she has autism or ADHD as she can be supported with this with medication and other strategies. You now have a chance to do this.

Throw everything at this op. She needs to be at the top of your priorities for a good long while. Do all you can to resettle her and reassure her. Poor thing has been through so much, no wonder she has MH issues, but they can be resolved.

You have your little girl back - make it count op. This time you can make a difference. Come here for support and ideas 🙏🏻

GentlyAnarchistic · 15/01/2025 07:15

Responses seem harsh but go back and look at the way you have written about DD, now compare it to how you wrote about the cat.
She is still a child, abandoned and rejected by everyone.
She needs help, and you now only have a small window. If you don't you'll ruin her life. Why are you bothered by SS becoming involved? They could signpost you to the appropriate services

Fargo79 · 15/01/2025 07:18

People don't "have you wrong". We are responding to exactly what you wrote:

That you couldn't cope with her behaviour as a 9 year old so you shipped her off to the other end of the country, where you knew you wouldn't be able to see her more than a few times a year. (I'd be interested to know what you did prior to this e.g. what agencies you involved and what help you sought in your desperation to prevent the separation from your child. School? Social services? GP? Charities? Community groups?).

That both you and her father failed to seek help and support for the learning disabilities you suspect she has (although you are blaming this solely on her father and trying to absolve yourself of parental responsibility).

That she has been abandoned by her father as well and having returned to her home with you, you are "not coping" because you "like your own space" and "doing your own thing". Oh and also you're worried about the cat.

You are a person who has no sense of personal responsibility. You are desperately trying to claim victimhood and distance yourself from your failures as a parent by deflecting blame elsewhere. Everybody here has seen through this immediately and given it to you straight, which you don't like. I suspect you will continue as you've done these past 17 years and take no parental responsibility nor show any care for your child. I sincerely hope your daughter is able to forge a happy life for herself, although the odds have been stacked against her by her parents so it seems almost impossible. What a sad situation for her.