I desperately need advice, I am at my wits end

[OhMyChristMickk]

DD is 20, 21 in a few weeks.

Very likely Autistic but failed by the NHS in this when she was a child. I do think this is relevant. We were told repeatedly she didn’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis. I have ADHD and there is a lot of autism/adhd in my family (all diagnosed in the last few years).

She has never really launched as an adult.

A very brief and hopefully not too outing timeline of her recent years - failed first year of A levels and then with a lot of my help got an apprenticeship (I was driving her to and from- 3 hours driving a day) She was let go from this after 6 weeks because she just simply didn’t do any work. College then agreed to have her back for a Btech course which to her credit she completed.

So she left college almost a year ago and since then has had several part time bar jobs and been sacked from every one. The most recent one has withheld her wages saying that she owes it for stock discrepancies. (Illegally, and I am fighting this for her) The thing is she is a terrible employee. She calls in sick, is late, is rude to customers and will just refuse to do things.

I have accompanied her to the job centre, and got her into an employment scheme for adults with additional needs. But as she is an adult they quite rightly don’t communicate with me, and she tells me nothing. Or outright lies. So I don’t know what’s going on with that.

She seems to actually despise us. She spends most of her time at her boyfriends house. Which is a huge issue as she has a pet that she brought home early last year as a birthday present to herself despite us saying no. We have no option really but to care for the pet. Re homing is not an option, he is loved and cared for and it’s not his fault. But he is a handful, and adds a huge deal of stress. She’s basically abandoned him.

Recently we started receiving debt letters. I opened them. I found out she owed £400 to Klarna for various clothes and shoes purchases going back to early last year, she had set up all these credit agreements and not made a single payment. When I spoke to her she said oh I didn’t think Klarna was that serious, like it’s just an app. The debt collectors were threatening bailiffs so I just paid it off (onto my credit card!) and told her she’d be paying me back as soon as she got paid. Over the next hour or so she dripfed that she also owed nearly £2k on a credit card and overdraft. I helped her contact StepChange. Made it very clear that I needed her to pay me that £400 as I had gone into debt myself for it.

Next pay day (last week) she only got paid half and after initially lying to us for a week about it being a mix up eventually confessed yesterday that she’d been sacked and wages withheld.

I told her she would have to give me what she had been paid and just go without any money for the month. And then we find out that she’s already spent £200 of it on Pokémon cards and the pub. She has given me £150. She now has no money coming in until either universal credit or new job pans out.

Talking to her goes round in circles. She is contrite (sometimes) and makes promises and then nothing changes.

She has had an interview today for a part time job. But I don’t see what will be different this time. She just doesn’t seem to have any adulting skills at all, and I don’t know what else to do. We have tried helping, we have tried discipline, we have tried begging and pleading.

She has made it very clear that she thinks we should fund her. And that she’s happy for us to be in debt to help her out. And she lies and lies and lies.

My own parents chucked me out at 15 and again at 18 and I had a terrible time of it so I have always been adamant I would never kick her out. But she’s nearly fucking 21! When does it end? What the fuck do we do? She would have nowhere to go and no way of supporting herself. How can I make her into a functioning adult?

This is probably really outing now if anyone knows us in rl but I am desperate for help here.

Apologies haven’t RTFT but she needs a diagnosis. A relative recently received a pretty quick one via right to choose:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/nhs-services/right-to-choose

I think you need to separate from her entirely in terms of finances and where she lives (and rehome her animal for which you care even though you like it). At 21 I had graduated and was married and worked full time.

If she can never stick to a job that is going to be her problem not yours as you will not be paying her any money and she won't be living with you.

With all due respect this is not you and the OP's DD may need further support and help.

A comment about the debt - she will keep running up debts until she cant get credit and she will be able to get credit until she has a court judgement against her. So hard though it is you must let the bailiffs come and take some of her possessions. She will still be able to get a basic bank account but she wont be able to get credit so she cant create new debts. If you pay more debts off it will make it easier for her to get credit in future, creditors dont care who is paying her debts, just that they get the money.

You can also write to anyone know she currently owes money to saying you wont get it back, dont give any more credit. Most will ignore it but you've tried.

You must also ensure that her debts are not linked to you - as already mentioned upthread. You dont want her debts linked to you.

I could have written this myself OP. I have two children-one is 21 and one is 7. The 21 year old is exactly as you have described. She is currently on her second degree after dropping out of her first. She left school at 13 and I managed to get her into a college that took 14-16 year olds. She did BTEC’s for 6 years on and off and then went to uni. She is now in her 4th uni accommodation (the other three failed), but is actually living with me (again) two months into the contract because she cannot live with other people-she is too disrespectful and messy and just generally dirty and they have asked her to leave. She also adopted a cat and it has been dumped on me, and I regularly get calls from her friends or colleagues asking me to come and collect her from the pub as they can’t manage to look after her. She has had every possible advantage and I have worked my butt off to help her and teach her how to function, but nothing has helped. The only thing I can do now is pay for a private ADHD diagnosis to get her medicated-I literally cannot think of any other way to help her.

The main eye-opener for me was her 7 year old (physically and mentally disabled) sister this Christmas holiday. She has changed the toilet roll when she used the last piece of paper, wiped the kitchen floor when she spilled a drink and also put her clothes in the laundry hamper, all completely unbidden. Her sister leaves dirty sanitary pads on her bedroom floor because she says she can’t put them in the bathroom bin as she doesn’t have the executive function. I was living alone with a three year old at her age, working full time and studying (and I also have autism and ADHD). Something has to change.

Her sister leaves dirty sanitary pads on her bedroom floor because she says she can’t put them in the bathroom bin as she doesn’t have the executive function.

I would not put up with this, executive function or not. If she can take herself to the pub, she can put pads in the bin.

Regarding the debt.. do not clear it. Let it go through the process and be allocated as hers to pay off. Step Change can assist with writing to creditors and arranging repayments that she can achieve.
Regarding her money, a standing order each month to you for the rent, make the date the day after she gets paid.(be that wage or universal credit) Taking her money and then giving back what's left won't help her to learn budgeting. It's nothing to do with her what you spend your money on, if she isn't paying rent to you then she'd have to move out, claim local housing allowance and top up the difference and realise all the different things she gets for free (currently a room in a house share and no bills covered is over £700 a month here so maybe showing her how much private renting is would help)
Regarding the neurodiversity, it's hard but at 20 only she can see an assessment through and until then no one will make exceptions.

Tbh I agree with this. I was similar but not with debt issues (i was opposite stringintly saving every penny) I struggled to maintain employment. I can't grasp social aspects of day to day and that was what really scuppered my jobs, colleagues found me uncomfortable to be around, which exacerbated my anxiety, this then made me reactive because I had no idea how to respond to the whole environment and feelings it was bringing up. In my room, in my safe little bubble I was a different person.

For me I over time (years) found techniques and coping strategies that worked for me. Then it all just clicked and adulting became easier. I do now work, gained qualifications etc, but had to do it all a decade later 😅

My DB was similar in some ways failed exams , dropped out of college. But he wasn't going out getting jobs he was almost just locked in his room or at college failing.

At about 23 he finally got a diagnosis of ADHD and autism, and then it was like something within him clicked. He went to uni , had a part time job and is now working in a good job as an engineer. He's 31 and does still live with my DM but I think that's more it's easy there for him than anything else he lived alone at uni.

How did you get on OP? I am going through something similar with DS, he works but undiagnosed ADHD, debts and gambling

How did she end up believing in false reality , that purchasing stuff on an app isn't real. What was your parenting to her....on all these regards

For example, dd is only 11. By now anytime she believes false things, we correct her knowledge