DD is 20, 21 in a few weeks.
Very likely Autistic but failed by the NHS in this when she was a child. I do think this is relevant. We were told repeatedly she didn’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis. I have ADHD and there is a lot of autism/adhd in my family (all diagnosed in the last few years).
She has never really launched as an adult.
A very brief and hopefully not too outing timeline of her recent years - failed first year of A levels and then with a lot of my help got an apprenticeship (I was driving her to and from- 3 hours driving a day) She was let go from this after 6 weeks because she just simply didn’t do any work. College then agreed to have her back for a Btech course which to her credit she completed.
So she left college almost a year ago and since then has had several part time bar jobs and been sacked from every one. The most recent one has withheld her wages saying that she owes it for stock discrepancies. (Illegally, and I am fighting this for her) The thing is she is a terrible employee. She calls in sick, is late, is rude to customers and will just refuse to do things.
I have accompanied her to the job centre, and got her into an employment scheme for adults with additional needs. But as she is an adult they quite rightly don’t communicate with me, and she tells me nothing. Or outright lies. So I don’t know what’s going on with that.
She seems to actually despise us. She spends most of her time at her boyfriends house. Which is a huge issue as she has a pet that she brought home early last year as a birthday present to herself despite us saying no. We have no option really but to care for the pet. Re homing is not an option, he is loved and cared for and it’s not his fault. But he is a handful, and adds a huge deal of stress. She’s basically abandoned him.
Recently we started receiving debt letters. I opened them. I found out she owed £400 to Klarna for various clothes and shoes purchases going back to early last year, she had set up all these credit agreements and not made a single payment. When I spoke to her she said oh I didn’t think Klarna was that serious, like it’s just an app. The debt collectors were threatening bailiffs so I just paid it off (onto my credit card!) and told her she’d be paying me back as soon as she got paid. Over the next hour or so she dripfed that she also owed nearly £2k on a credit card and overdraft. I helped her contact StepChange. Made it very clear that I needed her to pay me that £400 as I had gone into debt myself for it.
Next pay day (last week) she only got paid half and after initially lying to us for a week about it being a mix up eventually confessed yesterday that she’d been sacked and wages withheld.
I told her she would have to give me what she had been paid and just go without any money for the month. And then we find out that she’s already spent £200 of it on Pokémon cards and the pub. She has given me £150. She now has no money coming in until either universal credit or new job pans out.
Talking to her goes round in circles. She is contrite (sometimes) and makes promises and then nothing changes.
She has had an interview today for a part time job. But I don’t see what will be different this time. She just doesn’t seem to have any adulting skills at all, and I don’t know what else to do. We have tried helping, we have tried discipline, we have tried begging and pleading.
She has made it very clear that she thinks we should fund her. And that she’s happy for us to be in debt to help her out. And she lies and lies and lies.
My own parents chucked me out at 15 and again at 18 and I had a terrible time of it so I have always been adamant I would never kick her out. But she’s nearly fucking 21! When does it end? What the fuck do we do? She would have nowhere to go and no way of supporting herself. How can I make her into a functioning adult?
This is probably really outing now if anyone knows us in rl but I am desperate for help here.