@ssd I know this thread is (almost exactly!) two years old but it popped up when I was looking for support. DD left home a few weeks ago and honestly I could have written your posts, right down to the way this sudden loss (and it was sudden - DD told us she was moving out in a few days with absolutely no warning, it was completely unexpected) has triggered feelings connected to previous loss. I have nobody in the world apart from DD and DH and now she's gone, moved hundreds of miles away.
The bit about your DS's bedroom door had me in bits - the exact same thing happened last week, DH closed her door but left her light on after he'd been in, and when I went upstairs I saw the light from under her closed door and just went to pieces.
She has moved in with a group of people she met online a few months ago and they post on SM about the drugs they take and other more unpalatable things. She left her job to move in with these people and has started taking hormones to transition which she is buying online, so we don't even have the comfort that she's doing brilliantly - she was always so quiet and studious and didn't even drink, so it's a huge change and I'm so worried about her. But it's her life and she knows we are here if she needs us. That's all we can do. She is in her 30s so is more than capable of running her life how she sees fit but still I worry, of course I do.
She was old to leave home and in some ways this makes it worse - it sort of felt as if she would always be here, even though me and DH often encouraged her to think about moving out and offered to help financially. She was happy to live here though and we were so happy to have her. So very happy. I miss her every day, particularly with Christmas coming up. It's bringing up a lot of memories of Christmas when she was little.
I feel as if I have a constant swarm of wasps in my stomach, the worry and sense of grief I feel is overwhelming. Like you, I know the grief is unreasonable but also like you, this whole thing has triggered lots of unresolved issues. I would never let her know how I'm feeling but I don't have anyone I can talk to about this so I feel like a pressure cooker about to burst.
How are you now, two years later, @ssd? I hope you are feeling so much better. You seem like a lovely person and a lovely mum and I really hope that vacuum (and boy do I know about that vacuum!) has been filled with good things. And I'm sorry if bringing this thread back to life has reminded you of a terrible time - it's so selfish of me but I really need to know that this will get better.
💐