Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Ds leaving feels like bereavement

100 replies

ssd · 26/10/2024 09:51

I'm sorry. I know this isn't a true bereavement, I've lost both parents, i know how bereavement feels. I'm not trying to upset anyone.

But ds moved out recently and I'm in utter bits. I feel like i felt when my mum died. He is far away. He's the last to go. It isnt uni, its a job.

I cant believe how bleak and sad i feel. I cant stop crying.

He'll never know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 26/10/2024 17:59

"I am at the same point - and until now basically all our identity, energy, money, bodies, love - everything - feels like it has been poured into this one job, which has overnight been taken away."

That's exactly it @morningpaper

Ive always worked, had friends, had hobbies, have a good relationship with dh...but the ds's were central to everything. Now there's a massive void and i haven't a clue how to fill it. I dont want to fill it!! Im hoping it gently fills itself as i process and get used to this new life change...

OP posts:
Dontfuckingsaycheese · 26/10/2024 18:01

So what I did! Get a teaching job in FE! Surrounded by teenagers all day ❤️ You get to go home but take so much work home with you there’s not enough time to miss anyone!
You have raised a confident, independent young man. Celebrate that ❤️

bereavedandsad · 26/10/2024 18:10

I felt just as you do when my youngest left to go to uni. It took me a while to come to terms with it especially as my sister died around the same time so I understand what you’re saying. I did feel better once I knew he was happy and settled.

However, my elder son died this year and I can honestly say the level
of grief is in no way comparable.

Original poster
ssd · 26/10/2024 18:29

I'm very sorry @bereavedandsad and i totally, my feelings in no way compare with your actual loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 26/10/2024 18:30

That was i totally agree

(Cant edit on phone)

OP posts:
bereavedandsad · 26/10/2024 18:42

It doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid though - I remember feeling devastated at being an empty nester!

MorrisZapp · 26/10/2024 18:46

Big hug to you. My DS is only 14 but I worry about it already.

Last week he went away to a friend's for three nights. I felt utterly adrift and pointless. I'm a hugely independent person, have my own life etc but the house just didn't feel like a home without him in it (ignoring me).

It's huge.

Covidwoes · 26/10/2024 19:17

Doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid OP, but maybe some perspective would help? My very good friend's DC would give anything to be away at uni. Instead, they are at home with cancer and missing out. I know you are sad, but your DS is so incredibly lucky he is out there enjoying himself. Try and feel happy for him in amongst your sadness.

SallyForf · 26/10/2024 20:08

Covidwoes · 26/10/2024 19:17

Doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid OP, but maybe some perspective would help? My very good friend's DC would give anything to be away at uni. Instead, they are at home with cancer and missing out. I know you are sad, but your DS is so incredibly lucky he is out there enjoying himself. Try and feel happy for him in amongst your sadness.

Don't lever someone else's sadness to shame the OP. She's had great support from an actual bereaved parent, if you'd bothered to read the thread you'll have seen it.

bereavedandsad I am sorry for your loss.

Covidwoes · 26/10/2024 20:16

@SallyForf that really wasn't my intention, and apologies I came across that way. When I feel strong feelings about something, I find perspective always shocks me out of it. Worth a try for the OP! If it doesn't work, then apologies. It is something that usually works for me.

Original poster
ssd · 26/10/2024 20:30

Perspective is really needed here, i agree. I feel really stupid and guilty feeling so bad when i turn on the news and see what's happening in Gaza or hearing actual heartbreaking stories like the ones mentioned on this thread. I know I'm being unreasonable! But its sort of heartening to realise its sort of normal to feel how i do, and that it will pass, eventually.
I really appreciate everyone here sharing their stories to help me.

OP posts:
Covidwoes · 26/10/2024 20:33

Me too OP, I always feel like that when I read/hear the terrible happenings in the world. It doesn't mean our feelings aren't valid though. It DOES often help me rationalise them though, and it may not work for everyone, but it does for me! Hope your DS has a fab time.

user1471453601 · 26/10/2024 20:52

As soon as we become a parent, we spend every hour teaching our child how to be independent, as we should. Then they use independence to leave us.

Independence for our child, if we are good parents, is what we strive to.teach them.

It's odd, I felt it myself when my child left home. But I knew I'd spent 18 years helping them to be capable of leaving home, but was sad that I'd succeeded.

I guess, nearly 40 years later, if I just wondered what my job was now?

Turns out, my job is still to worry about them but at times not to.mention it, because they might feel restricted by that worry.

As they move on in their life, I think our job is to remain as a safety net, to always be on their side, even if that means telling them that they, or their action, are wrong. But to always be there, as we were there when they fell over and cut their knee.

LindorDoubleChoc · 26/10/2024 20:56

Oh dear, so sorry!

But the way you are feeling is not normal at all.

Has your son been living with you an abnormally long time? I have a male relative in his mid 40s who still lives with his mother and I imagine she would feel bereft if he moved out now (even though everyone knows their living arrangements are not ideal). Is it this sort of scenario @ssd ?

MintedClover · 26/10/2024 21:19

Hi OP. Your feelings are valid. My son left home at 19 and nearly 9 years on I still miss him. Yes we see him of course, but he’s busy, has a job, partner, holidays and a life I don’t know too much about. It’s certainly not how I would have chosen but I’ve had to just get on with it. We never quite know how things will work out once our children are adults but I know he won’t be moving back to our home town and it hurts me so much not having him closer.

My parents are elderly (father has dementia and is in a care home) so I do understand how you feel the way you do. I know I need to continue to push myself to do more but sometimes it’s just so hard and I find myself wishing I was just at home with my family!

Bamboozled5 · 26/10/2024 22:14

My daughters both have disabilities and are still at home in their mid 20s. There's no sign of either going anywhere any time soon! While that's a bit different, I think your independent son is something for you to celebrate and see how you have succeeded as a parent. I do understand how you must feel - when mine do leave home after so much care and input, as they must do one day as I'm not going to live for ever, I will feel like a part of me has been cut off!

PrincessOfPreschool · 26/10/2024 22:24

I was chatting to a friend I hadn't seen for a while today. She has 3 older kids around 23-30 years old. They've all just moved back home! They're about to go travelling (2 together and 1 with his gf) so have given up their rented homes and moved back home till they leave again. She's pretty thrilled but said the bathmat is very soggy! So..
You never know.

Lentilweaver · 26/10/2024 22:29

PrincessOfPreschool · 26/10/2024 22:24

I was chatting to a friend I hadn't seen for a while today. She has 3 older kids around 23-30 years old. They've all just moved back home! They're about to go travelling (2 together and 1 with his gf) so have given up their rented homes and moved back home till they leave again. She's pretty thrilled but said the bathmat is very soggy! So..
You never know.

This is my situation in London, because rents are too high. They keep leaving and boomeranging back. It's like having lodgers though because they don't talk to me!

Biscuitburglar · 26/10/2024 22:47

Just wanted to send you a hug too. This is perfectly normal, all that brain space taken up thinking and caring for a DC for so long - it’s bound to be a massive adjustment when they aren’t physically under your feet all the time. But they do tend to boomerang back like other posters have said. And he will visit, and you can visit him, and keep in touch with phonecalls and messages. You can still beam love to him, and feel connected, just without cleaning up after him!

I think it helped me to concentrate on thinking about my DD coming home to visit again and visualising what I wanted her to find. And I knew that was a healthy, happy Mum with hobbies and friends and a sense of purpose. So take some time for yourself to feel sad, which is to be expected, and then when you are ready take some small steps to start rebuilding.

NDerbys32 · 27/10/2024 07:55

user1471453601 · 26/10/2024 20:52

As soon as we become a parent, we spend every hour teaching our child how to be independent, as we should. Then they use independence to leave us.

Independence for our child, if we are good parents, is what we strive to.teach them.

It's odd, I felt it myself when my child left home. But I knew I'd spent 18 years helping them to be capable of leaving home, but was sad that I'd succeeded.

I guess, nearly 40 years later, if I just wondered what my job was now?

Turns out, my job is still to worry about them but at times not to.mention it, because they might feel restricted by that worry.

As they move on in their life, I think our job is to remain as a safety net, to always be on their side, even if that means telling them that they, or their action, are wrong. But to always be there, as we were there when they fell over and cut their knee.

I love this. Completely resonates with me. Thank you

Original poster
ssd · 27/10/2024 07:57

Its the "firsts" that happen unexpectedly, the little things you don't think of, that are flooring me..

Seeing the shoe rack 2/3rds empty for the first time, his big trainers, crocks, football boots not there now..

I'm lying in bed, dh snoring quietly..i heard a noise, assuming its the upstairs loo being flushed by ds, then realising he isn't here...and expecting him to walk into the kitchen and me shouting through "hi darling"...but the kitchen is quiet and empty. And the dishwasher hasn't been on for days and his favourite bacon is still in the fridge almost full...

He doesn't live here now, i need to keep reminding myself that. My heart is aching.

OP posts:
NDerbys32 · 27/10/2024 08:05

Morning. Been there, and completely feel that too. When I'm feeling like that in a morning - coffee and get my vinyl on the record player. You did and are doing a grand job of parenting.
This parenting lark can be hard at times, but makes our time with our son just more precious, and his eccentric fiancee and Border Terrier that runs both our families now. Seriously, you've some great things to look ahead to.
And, Good morning!

Original poster
ssd · 27/10/2024 08:08

I don't know what to do with his bedroom door. For years the room next to his which ds1 was in, has been empty and used as a bit of a dumping ground. And im used to that room used as a spare. But ds2 was always next door in his room, studying, gaming, with his girlfriend (not together now), with his door shut. And if it was shut i knew he was in there and I'd call through on my way past.."you ok?"..."want a cuppa?"....
Since he left the door has been open and its obvious there's no one in there now...but last night dh shut the door cos he said it made him sad to look in and see nothing....and last night going to the loo i looked at the door closed to his room and for a split second thought he was in there as usual....then realised nope he's gone..

I can say these things here as its anonymous. And i know a lot of you get it. I know its just something to go through. I know this strange reality will become normal one day. And I'll probably forget this heartache existed.

But its hard in the meanwhile.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 27/10/2024 08:11

Thank you @NDerbys32 and morning to you too.
I realise I'm wallowing a bit and i will get myself organised for a good walk today. Or something to keep busy.

OP posts:
NDerbys32 · 27/10/2024 08:13

Absolutely 'get' that. I do sometimes wonder why all those fancy parenting guides and advice from celebrities that we're all supposed to buy into, never highlight the true, difficult side to this best of jobs. It's our reality, not a glossy, toxically positive social media, click bait feed.
Seriously, I'd get up, get the kettle on and do my favourite breakfast or head out for some fresh air.
It's a fab day here - you deserve it, and need it too.