Ds leaving feels like bereavement

[ssd]

I'm sorry. I know this isn't a true bereavement, I've lost both parents, i know how bereavement feels. I'm not trying to upset anyone.

But ds moved out recently and I'm in utter bits. I feel like i felt when my mum died. He is far away. He's the last to go. It isnt uni, its a job.

I cant believe how bleak and sad i feel. I cant stop crying.

He'll never know.

Maureen Lipman's late husband, the writer Jack Rosenthal, had a nervous breakdown when their kids left home. For some people it triggers huge feelings.

Yes its triggering stuff with me.

This sounds so tough for you. Do you have anyone close to lean on for support? Keep talking, here for you.

The bit about your past losses coming back feels very important, op. Only some bereavements can be "approached" psychologically at the time they happen. For those that can't, every new bereavement or quasi-bereavement (as in this case) is a re-circling around the older loss.
I can remember going to the funeral of an elderly aunt, whose death was sad of course, but not overwhelmingly, psyche-obliteratingly sad. And I felt real grief there - just a shard of the grief that I have not been able to feel in relation to the more devastating bereavement.
So it would make sense to me if your grief now was at least partly an expression of your earlier losses. Perhaps you could talk to CRUSE or some simiar org about those earlier lossess. xxx

PS @morningpaper - how lovely to see you.

My son left home last year in December. I sobbed putting up the Christmas tree when I suddenly realised that it was the last time "his" decorations were going on our family tree! I was so sad at the time.

We are a close family and whilst we don't see him every day like we used to, we are in regular contact one way or another and still spend a fair bit of time together.

I have grown to appreciate the space at home. It felt very empty for a long while and took DH and I a while to find our rhythm as a couple and not a 3! We are now a year down the line and life is good.

My son is doing well in all aspects of his life and really flourishing. I love seeing that and knowing that we gave him the confidence to fly.

I don't think the book DOES mention the empty nest, because she had younger children when she wrote it, IIRC, but I'm going to re-read it soon...

How are you getting on? I cried this week because I was missing my youngest because I had a really difficult day and she was always SO GOOD at validating my feelings!! LOL! How lame. I texted her to tel her (in a jolly and affirming way obvs!). xxx

Sorry i haven't been back. Im ok, just a bit overwhelmed with everything right now. I will be back soon.

I hate how i feel. Its like all my worst fears have came true. I dont mean ds leaving, i mean how i feel now. I feel like ive lost something massive, something i was holding onto as long as i could. Its hard to explain, i never tried to stop my kids moving on. But i didn't see this coming. Its like my worst fears materialised. Or almost the worst, i know thats dramatic. But ive wanted family all my life and never really had it. My siblings moved hundreds of miles away when i was young and never came back. So i always expected the dcs to move away too and leave me. I held them really close as long as i could but i never held them down. Now they are gone its just dh and me. I have no more family i love. And that love me. My siblings are like strangers. They are very distant.

I know this will take time to be normal. Its just totally unexpected how traumatic it feels.

Therapy would probably help @morningpaper . But its so very expensive. And ive had cbt, therapy, counselling etc. I dont feel it really changes anything. It is what it is.

My brother moved to a different country and dm acted like it was a bereavement.

i have 3 DDs and when they all leave home i plan to rent a field and get goats.

@ssd Would you feel able to talk to your son a bit more about how you feel? It may be a opportunity to find ways together that might make your unhappiness more maneagable.

I totally get that you want to be strong and happy in front of him, to help him move forward happily without any additional concerns. But he is an adult now and he is your son. He cares about you and I imagine he will want to do what is in his power to help you through this difficult transition.

I expect you have fears that it would be unduly oppressive to let him see your needs. But that just isn't true. Of course some parents display their needs in a way that is oppressive and debilitating for their adult children. But that doesn't mean that all parental neediness is bad. He might see it as respectful of his adulthood - as a transition to a stage in life where you mutually support one another, rather than the support being exclusively mother to son.

And in any case he may sense something of your deep unhappiness even without you speaking. I think I may be offering advice to myself, actually, via my attempt to say something helpful to you. I always feel agonised and cramped when I speak on the phone to my son -- desperately terrified that he might be unhappy (his older brother went through the worst possible times which has left me a bit traumatised). But my son is the most humane, kind and sensitive person. I know that if I spoke more fluidly and openly about my anxieties he would handle it brilliantly and try to be as constructive as possible.

I also wanted to say that it does sound like you need some therapeutic support but I know that it is expensive and a lottery etc, so I understand your hesitancy about this.

It will start to feel better gradually, I'm sure.

Thank you. I am hopeless about opening up. I just cant do it. And im terrified of putting my emotions on my son. He's recently went through a bad break up and this move was sort of forced on him. Im not convinced he wanted to go 100%. But he felt he was of an age he had to go and learn to be independent. And i supported him. Also i have a lot of hang ups from my dad sharing his worries, i cant do that to my son.
Maybe one day, but not just now.

I felt bereft when my first DS left home. I felt like I was going through the motions. He has ADHD and so I worried how he'd cope. He moved 2 hours away to buy a house and change his job. He coped fine. After the first month it gets easier. He's a lorry driver and rings me sometimes in his lunch break or if he has to wait for his lorry to be loaded up. I see him about 4 or 5 times a year. My younger DS left 2 years later but he bought a house locally and he still comes to dinner once a week and invites me over to dinner once a week or we go out for breakfast occasionally on a Saturday. It was easier because of this. It will get easier.

When you've experienced loss already, kids leaving home can trigger those feelings again. Hope you feel better soon, OP, it's so hard. 💐

Hi @ssd,

I think it's actually extremely positive that you are able to see this and talk about it. I kind of think a lot of the threads about difficult MILs happen because the MIL feels like this but can't face it and take action to get help. I think the fact that you can see it and are willing to look at counselling is probably setting you up to be a really great MIL when the time comes. Your new DIL will be super-lucky to have you.

I do see this so clearly. Which is crap, as i wish i had dhs mentality. He said why am i worrying, ds is having a ball. Which is bs, i wish he was. He's working from home and hardly mixing. And he's a social boy. He's alone too much for me. At least living at home he had us to chat to, now he hasn't anyone. He acknowledged that before he left, but actually living it is harder.

My heart just aches for him.

Why did he move away to work from home? Was he keen to live himself? Has he got a girlfriend?

He has had a great job opportunity. He's single. He wanted a change of scene.

It’s tough. Are you and DS close and now he’s moved you feel the closeness may go?

I don't feel it may go but i miss it. We are very alike and got on well.
I just miss him being around. A phone call isnt the same as chatting around the house.

Its me again. I don't mind if no one answers, i just need a safe space to put my feelings down.

I just didn't realise it would be this hard. It feels like a whole new world and I'm completely out my comfort zone. For 20 odd years ive had kids at home and now i dont. And my kids were the centre if our lives. I know thats not popular to say in mn. I should have been working at a rewarding career, having interests and hobbies outside the house. Maintaining my own self esteem yada yada...but my life never worked out like that. My parents were older when i was born and dad died when dc1 was a baby. And mum became more and more reliant on me, till i was looking after her and the dcs all at once, without help with either. I always worked, we couldn't afford for me not to. But i had to take work around the kids and mum (who lived further away). Dh always worked and i did the caring. Dh was and is great though. We are an absolute team. We've never had help like others did, never had our days out together and weekends away. Couldn't afford it anyway.
So what I'm saying is its just been us and the dcs and now they are gone its left a massive gap for us both. We both have friends and dh is sport mad. We try to keep busy. But its just empty without them. We'll get used to it, theres no choice. We must move forward.

Big squeeze, my friend. It's not easy, eh.

Op I'm sending hugs

Two months ago my 18 year old who's from my first marriage chose to go and live with his dad

The pain was absolutely horrendous . and I still feel rejected and angry and like I've failed as a parent (I am of course not showing any of this to my DS or any of my other kids)

I know if he'd gone to uni or moved in with friends / a gf I'd have been sad but choosing his dad over us kills me.

Thank you for the squeeze and the hugs. Sending you both the same.