Ds leaving feels like bereavement

[ssd]

I'm sorry. I know this isn't a true bereavement, I've lost both parents, i know how bereavement feels. I'm not trying to upset anyone.

But ds moved out recently and I'm in utter bits. I feel like i felt when my mum died. He is far away. He's the last to go. It isnt uni, its a job.

I cant believe how bleak and sad i feel. I cant stop crying.

He'll never know.

It's a huge change OP, children leaving the home is just as much of a seismic change as when you first bring them home as newborns! Everything you've known for the past x years has changed in the blink of an eye; it takes some adjustment. I agree with others counselling might benefit you overall, time will help and you'll adjust to the next step, how amazing though that he feels confident and capable of moving out at 19 for a job- sounds like you've done an amazing job as his mum.

Hi,
Could you do some volunteering especially with vulnerable young adults.

Honestly it is life changing and so so rewarding.

I think your feelings are totally valid Op. But I will say, you’re still VERY much needed.

A different perspective here, but I haven’t had any parenting post-18, and it’s awful. I lost both my parents to addiction and mental health issues. They’re both still alive but want nothing to do with my sister and I, they haven’t spoken to us in 15 years and have never met any grand children.

I would give anything to have parents that cared as so many do on this thread! There’s still loads you can do as a parent 18+, I’d love to have a sounding board, a safety net as another poster mentioned. I love to be able to return to my childhood home with shared memories. I’d love to just be able to call them and get some advice and guidance. Go on holiday with them and days out. I’d love help with my DC or to Just go out for dinner! You’ve still got a very important job, as when it’s not there, trust me, it’s very keenly felt.

When my DDs went to university - and both went at the same time, I went and got myself a kitten. The girls have moved back at various times but the house is empty now. One of them, I haven’t seen for a couple of months, but she is coming back for 5 days next weekend so my other DD is also coming home. They have plans though, meeting with friends etc so I don’t know how much time I will get with them. I miss them a lot, particularly as my parent died a couple of months ago and I spent a lot of my time caring for them. So glad I got my cat eight years ago now - she is lovely company. Maybe think about getting a cat or dog? I am glad you have a supportative husband, Look after yourself and keep busy.

Its been a strange weekend. Suddenly we can do anything we want without sharing the car or what to watch on tv. Or what to cook for dinner.

Why does it feel bleak and really sad instead of liberating and exciting??

I find by keeping myself busy really helps. Also like a precious poster has mentioned about getting a cat or dog? I’m not sure I’d know what to do without mine.

I don't think i want a pet yet. I can totally understand the appeal of them but not just yet.

This is a really lovely perspective! I think there's nothing worse for adult children than feeling obliged to be a support person for their sad old parent. I love the idea of thinking about what sort of confident woman I should turn into!

I think it takes time. Also I really do think therapy is helpful for these sorts of life stages. I often envisage it as a crossroads, and I need time to work through what I want to take with me in my backpack. I don't want it to be a bag of sad old bones or memories. What do I need to work through so I can leave it behind? That sort of thing. See it as a spa for your head.

I've also cleared out dds' rooms and redecorated (basically got rid of the mould because I am scuzzy and my house is cold). Can't bear the thought of their bedrooms looking the same but empty, like shrines. Kept beds in both but made one into a pink changing room for me and one into an office for DH.

Big hugs again from me. x

So pleased to see the supportive reactions you are getting here @ssd. It is a horrible sense of emptiness, and yes, a bereavement for how life once was.

I worried when I saw the thread title - I started a thread when dc left to university 6 weeks or so ago, expressing similar pain. It became a massive pile on and was absolutely grim.

From my limited experience, it does get easier over time. Dc is coming home next weekend for a couple of days and I am a jumble of emotions again.

Take care of yourself, process what you need to process with the support you need. Take joy in his successes and the small things in life. Sending you a big hug - bollocks to the 'unmumsnetty' thing.

Thank you so much everyone. I'm in tears reading these messages. They mean the world to me and are such a comfort.

This is definitely dragging up old issues of loneliness and isolation I have had forever. I've tried to resolve them before with therapy but i think i just went round in circles. I'm not sure about getting therapy again, its just so expensive. But all these answers are therapy for me! I just need to hear from like minded women. And TBH dh has been brilliant. He is very much the glass half full one in our relationship. I tend to slide right down when I'm feeling low. He pulls me back. But...he's a man, and they are just different...so i want you all to know how much i appreciate all these answers...

Hope your sadness fades soon. I can relate since I have two lovely grown up sons. 💐

Thank you, me too 🤗

I found this book a really useful read (you've reminded me that I must re-read it) Out of Time: midlife, if you still think you're young by Miranda Sawyer. More of a focus on mid-life, but helpful ideas for positive approaches to it all.

www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Time-midlife-still-think/dp/0007521073

Oh, i do like her. Does she talk about the empty nest? I've been looking a podcasts. Most of them are American, and a bit God-ly (I'm not religious)...,but the sentiment is the same...i always like to read of others experiences, makes me feel less alone with it all. None of my friends have went through this yet...

You might like the Postcards from Midlife podcast or The Shift by Sam Baker.

I'll look those up thanks

I'm really missing him today.

Wondering when this gets easier...

There really is no time on it, for any of us. Check out out Elisabeth Kubler Ross and the grief cycle. We all go through different stages after a loss, or huge change of circumstance. I'm 13 years into my lad leaving home for Uni, and him staying up in Scotland. It took me a good while, and we both feel it still, every now and then.
What you're going through really is quite normal, and we fully understand where you are right now.

Its horrible. The future feels bleak and frightening. I just wish he was closer.

Hi op. I think it is normal to feel sad when your child leaves for uni but remind yourself he'll be home more than he will be at uni. It is a period of adjustment. But feeling bleak and frightened of the future is not normal. I would imagine your losses are all tied in with this new period of your life.

You can ring, FaceTime, text your boy. He will be home for Christmas and other holidays. I hate to be the bereaved parent who says it but when your child dies there is nothing more.

You will adjust, you will take pleasure in his achievements and there will be plenty of times ahead when you will be together as normal. You sound like a lovely Mum and will find a new tempo.

Thank you. He's moved as he has a new job, he's not at uni, he finished uni. That's why his move feels permanent.

Empty nest is awful. You will get used to it though and think how lovely it'll be when they come home for a visit. Unfortunately it's the reward for bringing up your children to be independent.

Has he moved a long way? I am the most soppy sentimental person alive, never suffered with any of my children left home and I had 4, plus looking after friends 4, so it was a busy full household. A couple have come home to stay when relationships etc have broken down. One of my long term friends ds was in the army and Helmand, she naturally worried about him till he got back to the UK

I am very aware of that, for me other unresolved grief from sudden accidents, being attacked and having deep rooted trauma issues led to my response being out of the norm. I mention it as I’d hate someone like the OP thinking the emotions that can be triggered are just to do with adult child leaving. For some people it’s the raw loss and all that your identity as a parent means to you. Of course it’s ‘normal’ as you say to feel the loss but it can be a time where deep issues come to the surface in confusing ways. I did have therapy and I realised through it that I’d been tying my whole notion of a successful adult on being a parent. I didn’t have time to come to terms with the grief and trauma of the past. I hope anyone who has a reaction like I did seeks help as it can be a sign of more significant issues that need attending to.