Ds leaving feels like bereavement

[ssd]

I'm sorry. I know this isn't a true bereavement, I've lost both parents, i know how bereavement feels. I'm not trying to upset anyone.

But ds moved out recently and I'm in utter bits. I feel like i felt when my mum died. He is far away. He's the last to go. It isnt uni, its a job.

I cant believe how bleak and sad i feel. I cant stop crying.

He'll never know.

I think if you feel your whole identity is that of a mother, and nurturing a warm home for your children, then it’s logical that you will feel adrift when you think that purpose has been taken from you.

Ultimately, you need to attempt to reframe this in your mind as an opportunity to develop yourself and find new interests/identity. Be that through hobbies, volunteering, study etc.

The worst thing you can do is wallow in sadness. You only get one life, don’t become bitter.

Sorry you’re feeling so awful. With kindness, it’s excessive though and you need to talk to someone about counselling.

Get some counselling. Life isn't over, you can visit your kids.

I just wanted to say, well done, you’ve done your job. As parents we all want our children to grow up and to become independent adults. You must focus on how well you brought your children up, as they have all gone off and found their place in the world with confidence and that’s a great achievement on your part.

You need to now start living this next phase of your life. You are child free again, so the world is your oyster. Make plans, do a list, have fun. Look forward and have things to do, just for you. It’s going to be fine, it really is. 💐

I can totally relate. It’s really normal. When my youngest son left home I realised I was not ready for it and struggled. I eventually got therapy and it changed my life. I realised that it had triggered a lot of latent grief related to losing my parents, I hadn’t fully dealt with that or didn’t have to because I was always busy with my youngest! I felt my life as a mother was over, I felt my younger years were gone. It coincided with menopause too so there was a lot of weird guilt, feeling like I’d let him down and he’d left me. I’m a v independent type and was thrown by the intensity of how I felt, it was so raw and confusing. But now, 3 years later I love having the house to myself, I have built understanding of emotional boundaries, I have a great relationship with my son but don’t see him that often but it’s all good. It can really change. One of the first things I did was to rip off the bandage and convert his room to a movie room, I love it! You’ll be ok but you probably need to get support to transition and find a new way to see your relationships and find a few things of what you can do now that you always wanted to. Cry it out first x

Thank you.

I think i do need counselling. I feel my past losses have all came back. There is so much unresolved grief in my life.

there's threads every year when kids leave for uni, it's a very natural reaction and not one to be ashamed of!

Oh mate, it is hard. I'm not going to tell you off.

I am going to tell you to get some counselling; you have a hunch that this feeling is tied up with the death of your mum, and you're probably not wrong.

Non-mumsnetty hug from me.

Oh sorry, x post

The hug offer stands.

@PTSDBarbiegirl with respect to your grief over the loss of your parents (which IS totally normal), this level of grief is definitely not 'normal' to feel when your child goes off to uni or leaves home. A little sadness, absolutely, but not actual counselling-worthy grief.

OP are there other things going on in your life that may be contributing to this level of grief you're describing?

ErrolTheDragon · Today 10:03

there's threads every year when kids leave for uni, it's a very natural reaction and not one to be ashamed of!

Ashamed, absolutely not! Our youngest hasn’t left yet. Strapping 21 year old 6ft 5. Still worry when he’s late back and may well be a jelly on the floor when he does go 😁

Helped though, for her own peace of mind.

I completely felt like this when my adult child left home, so much so that I dreaded them visiting because I'd have to feel it over again. I think it can get out of proportion , like you'll never see them again. But you will adapt and move on with your life and eventually enjoy your freedom. Its the right progression for you and your son.

I want to say this gently but there is a real danger in becoming too enmeshed with our adult DCs lives ... you see this endlessly on Mumsnet (& I recognise your name & believe you've been here quite a long time?). So many complaints about overbearing ILs and DPs.

Personally I can't relate as I was just thrilled that my DS was happy, independent and enjoying life .. he worked in Australia for a year so we couldn't see him ... he's an only child, but I was so pleased he had the initiative to find himself an overseas job and travel on his own.

But I had a close friend who was bereft when her DC left home (only an hour away!) & it's actually damaging her relationships with one of them as she can't bear the fact that he's now independent and doesn't want to spend endless time with her or tell her what he's doing all the time... I fear she will really drive him away totally in the end.

I totally get it. I was in bits when my eldest left. I still had one at home and was working full time. But even being very busy didn’t reduce the anguish. Every time he came home to visit and then left again, I would be in bits for days. That was years ago , more recently when my youngest left it wasn’t so painful, partly because he stays local and I can see a lot more of him, I’m partly because I think I was more prepared. I do sympathise. That said their independence is a sign of a job well done. Keep telling yourself that.

I think you've understood yourself very well

You were a daughter and a mother

You're not needed (in the same way) as either , any more

Me too 🥰

It's bloody hard to know what to do with the vacuum that's left once those roles disappear or fade somewhat..... and that's where the grief, pain, upset and sadness jump in to fill that vacuum

I also lost my job, so that was fun .....yet more vacuum 🙄

Yes, I think counselling would be helpful for you.

It's about creating a new you

I'm doing that too......its strange, but you can literally create who you now want to be, which, over time, can be quite exciting

Sending you lots of love ❤️

Dad to a now 32 yr old son here, and only child. He went to Uni and it took me a long time to come to terms with him going and that 'empty nest syndrome' really hit me hard.
But, once I got my head around it, after some years I must add, I began to see the new version of him, the adult that was forming and our time together when he's here is all the more special for it.
He's in a fabulous long term relationship now, getting married next year, well set up, and he's a great kid.
One of my coping strategies was to tell myself, 'We did that'. We set him up for life and seeing him happy is just brilliant. I have a bit of an issue with his beard, but that's not for this thread :)

Advice - the way you're feeling is normal but maybe a bit of therapy might help you through this, and you will can through it. There's no set time on it, we all do it at our own pace, but be kind to yourself around it all too.

Thanks for sharing and take care of yourself.

We get it.

Thank you.

Thankfully some sensible posts on here! It's not bereavement, although I would say, the past bereavement hasn't been delt with. My oldest DD left home at 16, live in position in riding stables, in a different country, she is 54 now, so no mobile phones, constant checking up. Oldest ds moved in with girl friend, then his own place. Even my youngest ds who has rapid cycle bi polar, I am carer for had his own flat at 18, youngest DD same. My neighbours were born and bred,a couple of miles away, their kids all live within a couple of miles. People imagine we are not close as a family,we are extremely tight. Was reading about Victoria Beckham this morning, my God, the level of expectation over the time these adults have to spend with the whole family!

I just had a chat with dh, he feels sad too but not the way i do. Which im glad for, as i dont want him feeling like this. This is awful but i know its early days and we'll get through it. I did think i was going mad but reading most of these posts ,and seeing a couple of podcasts, reassures me its normal to feel so low. That coupled with my past issues just feels like a tsunami just now. My head is sore and my eyes feel raw from rubbing. But i know dh and i will get through it.

And I'll look forward to when we next see him.

Gosh. I can't imagine feeling like this. My son left at just before 18 and my DD had gone five hours away to uni. I miss them sure but they don't define my life. I'm a widow so they are a huge part of it but not the entirety of it!
I think if you are this bereft you would benefit with talking it out with someone professional.

@ssd ssd - so sorry you are feeling all these things. It is massive life change - I am at the same point - and until now basically all our identity, energy, money, bodies, love - everything - feels like it has been poured into this one job, which has overnight been taken away.

At the same point as our bodies are starting to fail as well... or maybe that's just me .... I think it's a massively tricky stage to navigate.

I basically feel 100 years old now. That's not helping either. I think some mid-life counselling is called for and some time and space to redefine our very selves.

Lots of love to you. It's a funny old journey.

as you acknowledge this is a culmination of all the grief you have suffered in recent years coming to a head. It’s hard.

seek counselling and remind yourself that you’ve done your job and the alternative outcome, where he didn’t leave home and was reliant on you would be far far worse.

you’ll be fine, but it’s totally understandable that you feel the rug has been pulled out from under you.

non mumsnetty hugs to you, too, mp. And to all who are on this path.

(ps v good to 'see' you, mp, from one oldie to another)

Definitely a very tricky and difficult stage.

I am sitting here in a park watching some young boys playing football and remembering when all my Saturdays were spent taking DS to footie. I am trying to remind myself that I complained quite a bit back then. You don't miss it until it's gone!

Trying to fill the void with friends and hobbies and travel but some of my friends have turned into flakes too.

Thanks again everyone. I can appreciate so many of the replies here. And yes @Ragwort , I've been here 20 odd years...an old timer, like yourself and @morningpaper (I'm sorry to hear you feel old)..

Dh said he totally expected me to break down. Ive held it together all week, supporting ds in his move, helping him lug his stuff along the motorway etcetc, being positive and praising his independence...and now I'm not in front of him im a wreck...but i wont tell him that, its my job to parent him, not the other way round.