Trying to understand DD’s polyamorous relationship

[Rm77]

Hi! I am worried and confused about my DD 23 complicated relationship. I know she’s an adult but still as a mum I can’t stop worrying…. Basically less than 2 years ago , she ended her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend. This was a shock for everyone, as they seemed like the perfect couple. The other part of the shock was that she announced that she was gay. We had no idea, as she was always very feminine and always dated boys. Almost immediately, she started dating someone non binary. I happen to know this person when they were a girl, so it also took me some time to get used to them as they now present themselves as a boy. Dd to also started changing her looks : tattoos, short hair in crazy colours and boyish clothes. I told her that it was too early for her to start dating again so soon, but obviously she didn’t listen. At the same time she was getting burnt out at her new job, due to the long hours and she was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Like most ASD girls , she always masked this.
Anyway, after a year and a half , she is now engaged. I am not happy about it , as it’s too early; they have not known each other for long enough for such a commitment , they are both in their early 20s and they both have little money as they are
students. Now, what makes it more complicated is this: she recently told us that she also has a boyfriend . Now I understand why she was cagey, when I would ask her with whom is she going out….. and why she was always out…. And how her style is more feminine again. Well, it’s fine as they all know about each other! Basically it’s Ok, even if you are planning to marry one of them ! Is this how young people are viewing relationships now ? The boyfriend’s parents know about the situation but won t say anything , as they are afraid to lose him. ( and they probably think that he’ll soon come to his senses and leave her) My husband, won t say anything either as she’s an adult and he does not want to push her away ( fiancé does not talk to their dad, so my husband thinks it could happen to him too, I guess). If she wants to date more than one person, that I can understand, but do not get engaged ! That makes a mockery out of marriage! I think the fiancé decided to quickly propose once the other guy came on the scene… I think she’s ok at the moment with the situation, as she ‘s the one having the cake and eating it…. I told her eventually someone will be very hurt.

Thank you for reading this, I don ‘t know who to talk to and I was never prepared to face this situation !

She's in her 20s and exploring relationships and experimenting with her style. That's exactly what she should be doing at her age.

Nobody is getting hurt, it's all consensual, and they all know.

She's not making a mockery out of marriage either, it means different things to different people, her take on it is its different than yours.

It's not that big a deal.

Your husband is probably right. You interfering will only damage your relationship with your daughter without changing anything about her romantic relationships.

Although I agree that getting engaged sounds like a mistake in the context of dating someone else at the same time, and it does sound likely people will get hurt (probably especially the fiance but who knows) I don't think you can do anything but refrain from expressing an opinion and being there to pick up the pieces.

In the end as long as no pregnancy occurs and there's no major imbalance financially (nobody is gold digging and nobody stands to lose their home) hopefully there will be no major harm done beyond an emotional storm... At least nobody is hiding the multiple relationships - that'd be worse.

It's not what a parent wants but they're really young, yet adults - a lot of people are a bit wild at that age, and being in a long term relationship from 16-21 (which is incredibly young for that kind of commitment and can lead to it's own problems) probably partially explains the need to be a bit wilder for a while!

I'm not sure why you are getting so worked up about this. She's young and experimenting. Chances are she won't end up married to either of these people and chances also are that she won't end up in an open relationship long term but either way it's her life and her choice!

Isn't it better that they all know about each other, rather than she's being non-monogamous and no one knows about the others? I don't think it's a problem if they are ethical about it, i.e. practise safe sex and are open about there being other partners.

I agree thinking she is at an age where she should be experimenting - endng a 5 year relationship at 21 implies she was 16 when they started going out - most people change in that time , becoming adults, (6th form, uni, apprenticeship, first job, whichever path they take,) and while I know a couple of couples who've been together all that time (now 50s), I know many, many more who broke up, because their lives were taking different paths. It's normal. And while they looked like a perfect couple from the outside, they were presumably not feeling thst on the inside.

I do agree it's probably early to get engaged, but that's something she'll have to find out for herself, unfortunately - she is an adult.

@Rm77 I'll be 70 next year and that honestly sounds like my twenties, with a couple of tweaks.
I'm still here, bit more settled (lol- much more settled!) If I knew then what i know now would I do it all again? Probably most of it, yes. No one was long term in the shit.
Probably best not to over-worry and definitely not to criticise? I know, it's hard.
I have 2 children, happily married both. They had their own journeys. Again, mostly fine.
What's the worst you could imagine? Is it anywhere near that bad? Probably not.

I don’t think you can do anything except smile and nod and say “that’s nice dear”

there’s an element of experimenting and possibly looking to shock and get a reaction.

You seem way too invested in your daughter's private life, just keep out of it

Exactly. You don’t need to ‘understand’ the detail. And frankly, in your shoes I’d have been way more concerned about the life-limiting aspects of being in an exclusive relationship between the ages of 16 and 21/22. Maybe your DD is making up for lost time now.

There's alot of "I told her" "I'm upset about" you seem to think your opinions and feeling about your daughters sex life are important. Becuase they're not. Feel how you feel, but it's not relevant to her whatsoever.

She's in her 20s, exploring, making mistakes like everyone. You actually thought she'd date the same boy from being 16 forever? Insanity. Mind your business and let her date who she wants.

Leave her be 💐 And love her. You don't need to understand ( if you want to, read The Ethical Slut)

I don't get how now she's 23 it's too soon but you were all amazed her 5 year relationship ended 2 years ago as they were the perfect couple....so at 15/16 you thought she had met the one now she's 23 it's all too soon?

This.

Thank you for your replies and understanding. As some of you said, it’s better that the 3 parties know about the situation and seem to be happy about it. It’s not easy to understand because monogamy has mostly been the norm in society. I try not to butt in and keep my opinions to myself. I know that she’s an adult and I am still learning on how to be a parent to a grown up 😊

Polyamory has been a thing for hundreds of years if not longer. It's totally normal. Actually more normal than monogamy, because expecting to be with one person your whole life and have them fulfil all your needs is unrealistic and a lot of pressure for one person. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high and so many couples settle into boring sexless relationships "for the sake of the kids"?

Just let her get on with it.

Yes, exactly! Just be thrilled she had to confidence to branch out for her teenage boyfriend, OP! Did you really want her to spend her life with someone she started going out with aged 16?

Sounds like she's having a blast really.

FROM her teenage boyfriend, sorry. Too late to edit.

Polyamory has been a thing for hundreds of years if not longer. - For men! More usually called a harem and/or polygamy or having a mistress. Sure, there have always been edge cases and some cultures with low-profile flexibility, but it's always been primarily about multiple women per man.

So is polyamory from what I gather, even when it's varnished with rainbow genders. Still, your DD has quite a bit of experimentation to catch up on, OP. The ideal parental response is a vague smile, a cup of tea and slices of (gluten-free, vegan) cake all round.

I’m polyam and married - it’s certainly doable.

But as others have said, whether the person you are engaged to at 23 is the one you end up marrying remains to be seen, so let her be and lend her an ear if she needs one.

I agree with all of this, right down to the cake!

It's not a big deal to you because it's not your child.
It's a disgraceful way to behave.
This generation are ruining their lives with all this woke stupidity it does nothing but cause kids to be messed up.
No respect for themselves or anyone else.
Her poor parents.

I have kids who have had various kinds of relationships that I wouldn't choose for myself. None of them have been a big deal because my kids have been happy.

How is being in a consensual and happy relationship with 2 people disgraceful or disrespectful at all?

It's not my life, it's my job to make sure they are safe and feel supported and that's it.

1. Women who are sexually attracted to other women can have a feminine style - your comment about her always being feminine shows some ignorance.
2. What resources have you looked into about bisexuality, and about polyamory? There is a whole world out there of books, podcasts, websites etc. Curiosity before judgement.
3. Have you ever noticed all the posts on here about problems in heterosexual and monogamous relationships? Relationships experience problems. The fact that you're locating the issue in the genders involved and in polyamory shows an uninformed and potentially discriminatory bias.

Most of what you've posted is not a big deal and really none of your business- the clothes change, hair change, dating a girl.

The being with someone for 18m before getting engaged - quite quick, but not unheard of for people in their 20s. Certainly not outrageous.

The poly/NB thing - I'd put £50 on it being a phase and it'll pass. It's a massive trend right now. Just nod and smile.

If my dd said she was in this set up, I'd shrug and remind her to make sure all 3 were tested for stds and practiced safe sex. I wouldn't worry about any of it being permanent. Even engagement is no more than word and a deposit really.