Trying to understand DD’s polyamorous relationship

[Rm77]

Hi! I am worried and confused about my DD 23 complicated relationship. I know she’s an adult but still as a mum I can’t stop worrying…. Basically less than 2 years ago , she ended her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend. This was a shock for everyone, as they seemed like the perfect couple. The other part of the shock was that she announced that she was gay. We had no idea, as she was always very feminine and always dated boys. Almost immediately, she started dating someone non binary. I happen to know this person when they were a girl, so it also took me some time to get used to them as they now present themselves as a boy. Dd to also started changing her looks : tattoos, short hair in crazy colours and boyish clothes. I told her that it was too early for her to start dating again so soon, but obviously she didn’t listen. At the same time she was getting burnt out at her new job, due to the long hours and she was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Like most ASD girls , she always masked this.
Anyway, after a year and a half , she is now engaged. I am not happy about it , as it’s too early; they have not known each other for long enough for such a commitment , they are both in their early 20s and they both have little money as they are
students. Now, what makes it more complicated is this: she recently told us that she also has a boyfriend . Now I understand why she was cagey, when I would ask her with whom is she going out….. and why she was always out…. And how her style is more feminine again. Well, it’s fine as they all know about each other! Basically it’s Ok, even if you are planning to marry one of them ! Is this how young people are viewing relationships now ? The boyfriend’s parents know about the situation but won t say anything , as they are afraid to lose him. ( and they probably think that he’ll soon come to his senses and leave her) My husband, won t say anything either as she’s an adult and he does not want to push her away ( fiancé does not talk to their dad, so my husband thinks it could happen to him too, I guess). If she wants to date more than one person, that I can understand, but do not get engaged ! That makes a mockery out of marriage! I think the fiancé decided to quickly propose once the other guy came on the scene… I think she’s ok at the moment with the situation, as she ‘s the one having the cake and eating it…. I told her eventually someone will be very hurt.

Thank you for reading this, I don ‘t know who to talk to and I was never prepared to face this situation !

23 is not an age to experiment? What?? When should a person experiment if not in their early 20s? And you cannot say for sure that someone will get hurt, nobody can. In any case life sometimes involves hurt. There are many things I've done in life that caused me pain at points but I wouldn't erase them from my experiences. That's life.

Yeah this is the really weird bit. Not mucking about trying different relationships with people in your 20's.

You'd kick your daughter out for not having a relationship that you approve of? Grim

Eh? 23 seems a perfect age to experiment. Although frankly people can experiment at absolutely any age.

What @ilovelurchers said.

A bit astonished that 23 is not supposed to be an age to experiment. I really hope she does.

I will admit I'd be a bit cautious about handing over a big chunk of cash for a wedding.

It's not grim.
But that bullshit would not be going on under my roof.
No bloody morals or self respect

Let her pay for the wedding herself after all there's three of them to share the cost.

So the pill protects you from disease does it?
No wonder kids are messed up being raised by parents with ideas like yours

What's immoral about 3 consenting adults in a happy relationship?

I would say its disrespectful (and, quite frankly, weird) to be so fixated on your child's sex life that you would make them homeless because they aren't having the sex you approve of.

There's no fixation on anyone's sex life, what a stupid thing to say. Clear weird thoughts in your own mind.
The point is that it's messed up and there's something wrong if you have to have a relationship like that.
Who said anything about being homeless i would tell her to move out not kick her out onto the street ffs.
Surely if the relationship is so happy one of them would have her move in.

At that age and given what you say about work burnout I would be giving her more support around the career work stuff. Burnout is not good. That's more important at this age to get established in work.

Has she seen Access to Work where you can apply for support if you have ASD?

I would let her get on with it. I understand you, though. We will always worry about children.

You would see your kid happy, safe, and supported, in a relationship that's a bit unconventional, and take offence to that and kick her out?

Great parenting 👍

And yes, to be so fixated on your kids sex life that you would kick her out because you dont approve is very weird.

Please do explain why its messed up or there's 'something wrong' with those in polyamerous relationships? Just because it's not for you, it doesn't mean that's its messed up.

Where's the fixation?
You're the one that mentioned it so it's clearly in your mind not mine.
Put simply for you, yes I would tell her to move out and live her life as she chooses, I didn't say anything about removing her from my life.
But if I don't approve of what she's doing I will deal with it how I see fit.
Also yes I'm a great parent.

No, you're far from a great parent. Great parents don't kick their kids out because they disapprove of a totally reasonable life choice.

Please do explain why its messed up or there's 'something wrong' with those in polyamerous relationships?

Did you miss this part where I asked why it was messed up?

Or did you choose to ignore it because there is no reason to think that?

Yes, I supported her with the issues she had at work. She had very long hours and eventually she and couple of her colleagues quit. This support was my priority. A few months later she found another job, which has regular hours and she is happy about it.

I think you should speak to her, because if she does marry and it goes very wrong you'll regret it , if you didn't say anything.
Plus thinking about it, I would be worried if my daughter wanted to marry a woman who thinks she's a man, or can become a man,when she's actually a woman.
Yes I would be worried.I would have to say something.
Any relationship can go wrong but, if you have doubts speak up.

She ended a relationship she started when she was 16. That is hardly surprising.

she is now experimenting and finding herself. She is engaged. I really wouldn’t worry about marriage. Plenty of people get engaged and never make it to the altar. If she does, then she does. You can’t do anything to stop it. Unless you see actual abuse, don’t burn down your relationship.

I know plenty of people wanted to stop me from marrying my first husband. When someone is in love, they just don’t listen. Even once married and people offer you a lifeline with a mild comment, you have to be ready to leave, or you just explain it away.

as for a polyamorous marriage, it’s not my cup of tea, but it works for some people. What matters is that everyone is an adult and everyone is fully informed.

as a parent, what you can do is the same thing you could do if she was marrying that boyfriend she met when she was 16. Quietly start a “fuck you” fund. If one day your child comes to you and needs out of their relationship, no matter how good you thought that relationship might be, then having some money set aside for a solicitor and a rental deposit could make a world of difference.

Maybe I did not explain myself well; English is not my first language . When I said they were the perfect couple, I meant they seemed happy together, always supported each other and I never heard them argue. So, no one saw the split coming. Yes, they were young and most young relationships don’t last . Now, I said I was worried about the engagement because it happened on the rebound, and after a year and a bit, which I don t think is long enough to decide whom you want to spend the rest of your life with . And at the same time that I find out about the surprise engagement, I also find out she has another boyfriend . So , that makes everything a bit more different.

Yes, I agree. It is our duty as parents to speak, with respect, of course. Ultimately they will do what they want, but when they respect you , at least they will think about what you said.

You told her it was too soon to date again. You’re hinting at the fact you seem to be giving her a lot of your opinions and I have a feeling this is pissing her off. Her changing clothing styles is quite normal and I really wouldn’t be going on about it anymore. They’re probably not actually going to get married. Let her be.

Listen, support, bite tongue. She’ll get there. It just might not be where you expect, but that’s having kids im afraid.

Because I'd get out all the photo albums and talk about how she went through a year long phase of liking whatever film/show that she now finds deeply uncool.

Why would you do that?

And, if these partners care about her, have things in common with her and are roughly her age, there’s a good chance they would be affectionate about it or have had similar passions for now uncool shows.

Also - photo albums? I don’t have any of those, really - pics are all digital.

I'd say it's her life and she's an adult. It's up to her. Sounds like everybody knows about everybody else, so crack on.