Trying to understand DD’s polyamorous relationship

[Rm77]

Hi! I am worried and confused about my DD 23 complicated relationship. I know she’s an adult but still as a mum I can’t stop worrying…. Basically less than 2 years ago , she ended her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend. This was a shock for everyone, as they seemed like the perfect couple. The other part of the shock was that she announced that she was gay. We had no idea, as she was always very feminine and always dated boys. Almost immediately, she started dating someone non binary. I happen to know this person when they were a girl, so it also took me some time to get used to them as they now present themselves as a boy. Dd to also started changing her looks : tattoos, short hair in crazy colours and boyish clothes. I told her that it was too early for her to start dating again so soon, but obviously she didn’t listen. At the same time she was getting burnt out at her new job, due to the long hours and she was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Like most ASD girls , she always masked this.
Anyway, after a year and a half , she is now engaged. I am not happy about it , as it’s too early; they have not known each other for long enough for such a commitment , they are both in their early 20s and they both have little money as they are
students. Now, what makes it more complicated is this: she recently told us that she also has a boyfriend . Now I understand why she was cagey, when I would ask her with whom is she going out….. and why she was always out…. And how her style is more feminine again. Well, it’s fine as they all know about each other! Basically it’s Ok, even if you are planning to marry one of them ! Is this how young people are viewing relationships now ? The boyfriend’s parents know about the situation but won t say anything , as they are afraid to lose him. ( and they probably think that he’ll soon come to his senses and leave her) My husband, won t say anything either as she’s an adult and he does not want to push her away ( fiancé does not talk to their dad, so my husband thinks it could happen to him too, I guess). If she wants to date more than one person, that I can understand, but do not get engaged ! That makes a mockery out of marriage! I think the fiancé decided to quickly propose once the other guy came on the scene… I think she’s ok at the moment with the situation, as she ‘s the one having the cake and eating it…. I told her eventually someone will be very hurt.

Thank you for reading this, I don ‘t know who to talk to and I was never prepared to face this situation !

I have a daughter very similar to yours @Rm77 - autistic, non-binary, long term relationship with engagement that ended and recently tried out polyamory too.

I would very much suggest just being a support, someone who will listen but not judge. The most important thing for me regarding my daughter is her safety, to make sure she was ok, so we would discuss that aspect.

It's been hard at times because with the autism my daughter is more vulnerable but that is why I will always be there for her no matter what.

@notsureicandoitagain , thank you for your comment.

I wouldn't like this either and wouldn't approve. But you need to let her get on with her life. But I wouldn't be prepared to discuss it.

autistic people are less susceptible to blindly obeying societal norms and also more able to see things logically and do what works for them. Leave them to it!

This wokeness has gone wild. Why is taking so long for people to grow up. :/ Genuine question. Like people are now experimenting from the age of 15-35. If you haven't figured yourself out in that time I don't think it is happening.

I said on another post that people join these conversations and turn it into something else, just like you've done.
The op was looking for opinions and I gave mine and how I would deal with it.
Just because you don't like my opinion or how I would deal with that situation doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm not one of the sheep following the woke brigade who want everyone to agree to things their way.
By all means live your life as you choose I'm all for live and let live but that doesn't mean I want it in my house and again a you don't seem to understand what I'm saying I will explain that the said adult can go do what they want in their own home.
Why the hell would anyone want to live that way, just kids screwed up by their parents.
It is messed up because that's my opinion simple as that no further explanation required.
I am a fantastic parent no further explanation necessary.

This. Autistic people are also, IMHO, confused by lying and less likely than neuro-typicals to lie, so the people in this relationship know about each other and it's all up front.

Ach op, let her be, don’t stress, don’t judge. She’s young, she’s having fun and she’s experimenting.

I'm 52. I still experiment with new stuff sometimes. Plenty of women discover they're bi or lesbian in middle age. How dull would life be if you never tried anything new after 35?

This! Why does “growing up” have to look one way? Maybe for some people it’s being married at 25 and living in the suburbs, for others it’s travelling the world forever doing odd jobs and rescuing possums. There’s a lot wrong with the UK but one thing that is great is that we live in a society now that (mostly) accepts and encourages there’s more than one way to do life.

There a big difference between travelling the world in a mature way and travelling the world in a chaotic and impulsive way.

I would like to think that by the of 30 I would have developed enough brain cells to know what healthy coping mechanisms look like.

Ok. But if you don’t think 23 is an age to be chaotic and impulsive, when do you think people should do that? 18-30 is prime chaotic and impulsive time.

Well psychosocial development theorists and developmental psychologists will tell you it's age 2--4.

At around 12-19 if you haven't developed a sense of self at the later age, you probably won't and will continue to question yourself in adulthood. Sorry but you can't change science with your opinion.

Which theory is that then? One that completely discredits the dominant paradigm that identifies adolescence as a phase of identity forming? One that ignores the current neurological paradigm which recognises that brain development continues at adolescent rate until age 27 on average?

Yeah I was gonna say I haven’t seen any science that says if you haven’t formed your sense of self by 12 (??!!!) you’ve failed at developing. Also… so what if adults question themselves, change their lives and try new things? You really think people should choose a life path by 19 and stick with it forever? Very few people do that. If someone studies beyond undergrad and had a gap year beforehand they could easily be studying til they were 24/25 and not set in a career yet. Maybe the person they dated before or at uni wasn’t the right person beyond those years. Maybe they don’t want a long term monogamous relationship at all. If someone’s happy and their partner(s) want the same lifestyle why does it matter?

I have a sense of self… my “self” is polyamorous. Maybe the same is true for OP’s DD?

“Almost immediately, she started dating someone non binary. I happen to know this person when they were a girl, so it also took me some time to get used to them as they now present themselves as a boy.”

They are non binary so they are not presenting as a boy or a girl. As long as everyone knows about each other and are happy with the open relationship. I don’t know how marriage comes into it because a marriage isn’t about being open this way. They’re young and experimenting so just leave them to it, things may change again in a year

I don’t think understanding is the priority and it is absolutely fine if you don’t like or approve of her relationships, I would be worried about her too op. I think it’s important that she doesn’t feel disproved of though. I would tell her just once that you are worried that someone will get hurt and that you love her. And then I think I’d try to ignore it all and hope it blows over. I wouldn’t be supporting a marriage at such a young age though - and I would give age as the reason.

why be tied to conventional relationship methods ? @Rm77

@SugarHorseSpooks ; as time passes, things are changing… as long as people are happy and not hurting anyone