Trying to understand DD’s polyamorous relationship

[Rm77]

Hi! I am worried and confused about my DD 23 complicated relationship. I know she’s an adult but still as a mum I can’t stop worrying…. Basically less than 2 years ago , she ended her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend. This was a shock for everyone, as they seemed like the perfect couple. The other part of the shock was that she announced that she was gay. We had no idea, as she was always very feminine and always dated boys. Almost immediately, she started dating someone non binary. I happen to know this person when they were a girl, so it also took me some time to get used to them as they now present themselves as a boy. Dd to also started changing her looks : tattoos, short hair in crazy colours and boyish clothes. I told her that it was too early for her to start dating again so soon, but obviously she didn’t listen. At the same time she was getting burnt out at her new job, due to the long hours and she was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Like most ASD girls , she always masked this.
Anyway, after a year and a half , she is now engaged. I am not happy about it , as it’s too early; they have not known each other for long enough for such a commitment , they are both in their early 20s and they both have little money as they are
students. Now, what makes it more complicated is this: she recently told us that she also has a boyfriend . Now I understand why she was cagey, when I would ask her with whom is she going out….. and why she was always out…. And how her style is more feminine again. Well, it’s fine as they all know about each other! Basically it’s Ok, even if you are planning to marry one of them ! Is this how young people are viewing relationships now ? The boyfriend’s parents know about the situation but won t say anything , as they are afraid to lose him. ( and they probably think that he’ll soon come to his senses and leave her) My husband, won t say anything either as she’s an adult and he does not want to push her away ( fiancé does not talk to their dad, so my husband thinks it could happen to him too, I guess). If she wants to date more than one person, that I can understand, but do not get engaged ! That makes a mockery out of marriage! I think the fiancé decided to quickly propose once the other guy came on the scene… I think she’s ok at the moment with the situation, as she ‘s the one having the cake and eating it…. I told her eventually someone will be very hurt.

Thank you for reading this, I don ‘t know who to talk to and I was never prepared to face this situation !

Im a little confused that at 21 you thought she was in the 'perfect couple' with someone she had been with since she was 16, but now at 23 she's too young to be getting engaged (which does not equal marriage)?

I think you perhaps need to consider what you're really worried about. Are you hoping that she's still young enough to 'see sense' and go back to being with men? And then she'll be old enough to get engaged?

I must say there seem to have been a lot of posts recently where mothers seem hugely over invested in their children's relationships.

Just smile and nod at the right moments. She will be back to wearing her usual clothes and dating a boy soon enough.

You sound homophobic in some of the things you’ve said. Also, polyamory is nothing new. I know a 40something married couple with 2 kids - she has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend. If everyone’s consenting it’s not really a problem is it?

It’s weird and I would find it uncomfortable listening to my child talk me through her dating life using a bunch of social media buzz words. I would ask not to be updated. I would say that mum doesn’t need to be told everything that goes on in her life and she had a right to privacy.

It is a bit unusual OP, and if we are honest probably most of us can empathise with you being slightly surprised by it, especially as, when she was younger, you understood her to be heterosexual and interested in monogamy.

However, surprising doesn't mean bad. If everyone involved is consenting to the situation and made happy by it, there isn't really any problem with it.

Yes, any non-monogamous set up has more people involved and hence, theoretically at least, more potential for complexity and hurt feelings.

But some people do make it work. In the meantime, she's experimenting, and finding out what she likes and doesn't like.

Moreover, there is no conceivable reality in which you expressing objections to her set up will make her stop doing it. So you may as well be kind to her about it - at least that will ensure she keeps talking to you.....

This trend for polyamory is all part of the messed up liberal feminism (as opposed to women's rights) peddled through identity politics I.e. part of the gay to non binary to trans pipeline. It's not helpful or supportive of women. As you say, it will end in tears. I wish you luck navigating what your daughter has got caught up in.

A lot of neurodivergent people don't adhere to social structures with regard to relationships. My eldest is polyamorous and it works well for them. All upfront, all consenting adults and whilst it's not something I could do myself, I can see how it works. Different people meet different needs, rather than expecting it from one single person.

My husband, won t say anything either as she’s an adult and he does not want to push her away.

I think I have to say I agree with your husband. It may not be ideal, and may not be the lifestyle you imagined for your daughter, but ultimately she is an adult now and capable of making her own choices, whether you agree or not.
If you try and push your views on her too much, or lecture her, she may turn away from you and you would hate that even more. Im not saying her lifestyle is easy for you to adjust to, but stand by her!

The reality is that most people at 23 have quite a few tears to shed in the years ahead, regardless of whether they’re straight, gay, bisexual, monogamous or polyamorous. If your adult child makes it though their life without a single relationship you worry over or partner you have concerns about, you’re in a distinct minority. But your job as a parent isn’t to “navigate” things in your child’s life that you don’t agree with, but acknowledge that they have a life to lead.

Yes this, but will she listen to you? You can try and speak to her perhaps.Good luck

@Garlictest how did you guess she’s vegan ? 😉😁, joking apart, I agree with what you’re saying.

@Mabelface , I agree with you about neurodivergent people don’t adhere to social structures regarding relationships. And thank you for sharing about your eldest and that it’s going well with them !

Maybe it's better to tell her your concerns, if you have a good relationship she may listen to you.You might feel better, than saying nothing and seeing her suffer later.

I'd just be making sure she understands the financial and legal implications of marriage, and to make sure she is marrying the 'right' person in the poly relationship.

Marriage isn't about love and commitment, it's about a legally recognised union - so great if she is living in her spouses home, for example - but reckless if she is marrying a spouse and they all live in the boyfriends home over which they have no rights.

Unfortunately this is is how many young people view relationships and marriage now (and I am not some crotchety old woman with this opinion, I am the same age as OP’s daughter but have been married for several years). You really have no choice but to accept what she’s doing even if you disapprove, she is making a mockery of marriage but she’s within her rights to do so.

A previous poster has claimed that this is exactly the behaviour a girl should be engaging in at her age, which is amazing. Yes, you can’t do anything to stop her, and you have to let her make her own mistakes, but she is absolutely making a mistake. Just be there to support her, and don’t say “I told you so” when this ends poorly, as it will.

she is making a mockery of marriage

What does this actually mean? Marriage as an institution has moved on vastly from its beginnings: which was ultimately a legal structure to control women’s movements and sexuality and ensure a man’s paternity of his children for inheritance purposes. By that token, being childfree and married, or gay marriage, or marriage which can be ended by divorce “mocks” marriage. Very few of us practice our marriages as marriage was originally intended. Marriage is what each individual couple agrees it to be. There’s no requirement to say “forsaking all others” in your vows (just as I’d equally hope no women continue to say that they will “obey” in their vows.)

There’s every chance that in a decade’s time, OP’s daughter will have a completely different view of relationships, just as there’s every chance she won’t. Catastrophising about her choices now being the end of morality is just as ridiculous as people being outraged at sex outside of marriage, single parenthood, and divorce in previous decades.

Ooh I'd be inviting them all round with large welcoming arms and make your DD sit through a cringeworthy meal.

Why would it be cringeworthy for DD? Seems like she sincerely cares about both her partners and may well be very pleased for her parents to hang out with them
together.

What rubbish. Experimentation and having fun has been a thing forever, particularly since the pill released women from the worry of unwanted pregnancy. I'm in my 60s now. I've done much more outre stuff than this. I regret nothing and have plenty of respect for myself and other people (well, where merited).

And she's an adult. It's none of her parents' business.

Sounds like she's living the life she wants. Stop with your disapproval.

It's not good in the long run. The truth is someone will get hurt, unless the boyfriend is more of a "friend with benefits."

It is strange to be experimenting age 23. It's not an age to experiment. She's mostly doing this as a rebound to her previous break up.

Either way you sort of have to be supportive but also give her genuine advice. It's a hard balance.

I'm in my mid 40s and have been non monogamous for much of my life. I had casual sexual partners since I was old enough to have sexual partners which is before the OP's DD was born. I also know my generation didn't invent polyamory, non monogamy or casual sex! I can honestly not only would I be perfectly fine with my adult DC living like this I would think it's a good thing while they are young to fool about and find out who they are and what they want. As long as it's all safe sane and consensual.

@Newbie232 or…. This is who she is. Some people are polyamorous.

What do you mean 23 isn’t an age to experiment? What age is? 47? 92?

If she was living at home I would tell her to move out if that's how she chooses to live her life.
23 is a strange age to behave in such an immature manner.
Where is her respect for herself and her parents.
The problem is with all these parents who say its okay do what you want they've created this generation that have no boundaries and as I said before they just turn into messed up adults.

Who are you to say she's making a mistake? Many would say you've made a mistake getting married so young. Nobody can say whether either of you have made a mistake or are doing exactly what's right for you at this time in your lives.