Is your daughter also your friend?

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I have recently escaped an extremely abusive marriage. So my thoughts and beliefs can be skewed sometimes, as a result of my ex's behaviour. I am recovering but slowly.
My DDs (18 and 20) are wonderful. I love spending time with them and we do some things together. They also have their own friends and I don't impose on them.
I mentioned to my ex that I would be going on a weekend away with them, to a city break destination but also to visit my friend who lives there. I received the following message from him. "I would rather the girls went away in their own. You are their mother not their friend".
I am now questioning myself.
Is it normal to be a friend and a mother to your children adult children?
My mum was 20 when I was born and we were super close. She was my best friend. So I question whether my ex is right and my relationship with my mum was unusual, or because she was so young.

I'm always doing stuff like that with my DD. She has her own life and I'm her mum but we're very close and do spend time together. It's lovely.

Is this the abusive ex commenting? Why are you telling an ex what you're doing with other adults?

Yes of course, why would you not want to spend quality time with your children and vice versa?

Who gives a fuck what an abuser thinks. Their thinking is screwed up to begin with. He's still trying to control you, fuck him and his feeble attempts at that now you're free

Don't engage with him and ignore his opinions

If you are worried ask your daughters, but I think your ex is just looking for ways to make you feel insecure.

There is nothing wrong with being close to and spending time with adult daughters. Perhaps he doesn't know what a close loving relationship looks like (if he is abusive that is likely true, I'd think).

Don't tell him what you are doing from here on in.

No you are fine, spending time with your children (if they want to) is fine regardless of age. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your ex is trying to distance you, he’s an asshat.

Well, determine to tell him nothing in future. Then he can keep his shit stirring nose out.

Yes, I would happily take my uni aged dd away for a city break. Sounds lovely.

Also don’t volunteer information to him, he’ll twist it. I’d keep communication to the absolutely necessary stuff.

He's talking out of his arse, I'm sure you three will have a lovely time. Me my sister and mum do stuff like this all the time and we all love it.

Mine are mid 20s to 30s and have their own lives but we do things together I am their mum but it's fine to have a "friendship " with them.

Your ex gets no say your Dds are women in their own right they can spend as much time with you as they like, take no notice of him.

He's jealous, that's all. He can't stand how well you get on with your daughters and how good your life is without him.

I suppose I'd add the caveat that as long as they are also developing their own independent lives and don't feel they need to join you possibly out of feeling they need to look after you emotionally, after the end of your relationship?

If they really are joining you from a position of living their own separate lives and because you all have a nice time together, I see no problem with it.

My own mother couldn't bear not having control over my life and so something like this would have been her idea of a great happy mother daughter trip, but it would have been all about her. Doesn't sound like that's the case with you and your daughters though.

And yes, no need to share this info with your ex at all.

There is no age limit for going on holiday with your mum!!

My MIL and her two sisters took their DM for a cruise holiday when she was in her 80s (MIL and sisters in their 50s/60s at the time).

Going on holiday with your mum doesn't mean treating her like a friend rather than a mum

He doesn't get a vote. You and your dds do. They want to go.

Also I do stuff with my dds (I have 3) doesn't change that I am their mother we are not besties. They are still some of the people on this world I most prefer to spend time with.

This is why he is your ex!

Carrying on surrounding yourself with people you love, including your daughters.

I think there is a line between mother and friend but it isn’t clear which side you are on. For me it doesn’t depend on the activities so much as the conversation.

If you are going to talk to your friend about him whilst the girls are present, that’s wrong.

Your mother may have been your best friend, but were you her’s?

I loved spending time with my mum as an adult.

She was one of my best friends (but not my only friend ). I wish I'd spent more 1:1 time with her before she had her accident, which left her with a brain injury (when she was 66, I was 46).

Enjoy your break away with your dds and never tell abusive ex any information. In fact, if your dds are adults, then go completely no contact with him. He'll only use any contact to continue to abuse you

I like spending time with my mum. We've been on trips together, spa days, shopping trips etc... I think that's normal mother-daughter things to do when you're close and enjoy each other's company.

I don't class my mum as a friend though, she's my mum and the dynamic is different, but still one I really love and value.

I think spending time with your daughters and enjoying each other’s company is lovely and don't let your ex make you think otherwise!!

My only cautionary advice is, given you've just come out of a difficult relationship, try not to put the burden of your feelings onto your daughters. I think when the dynamic swaps from your kids leaning on you, to you leaning on them, it can negatively impact your relationship.

I speak from experience with this. I'm happy to spend time with my mum and support her and I'm of course concerned about her well-being and happiness, but when she’s sometimes unloaded way too much emotional stuff on me and I've felt really uncomfortable and overwhelmed. It's felt so different to a friend unloading, more inference (because she's my mum). It also made me feel unsettled, she'd always been my safe space and person i could come to, and i felt like that was lost and that then made me feel vulnerable. Again, this is unique to her being my mum, i dont feel that was with friends.

So enjoy your daughters and go on that weekend away! Just don't rely too heavily on them for emotional support. Look for that from your other friends.

Do you still need to be in contact with him? Your daughters are now adults, so I think you can now cut all contact. Don't let this abusive man have any say in your life. Once I was divorced, I no longer had any contact with my abuser and the relief and lightness that brings cannot be overstated. Have you had any help dealing with the aftermath of the relationship? I had help from Women's Aid in dealing with, and understanding the abuse. It really helped to put everything in perspective and enabled me to move forward with a healthier mindset.

And yes, of course you can be friends with your daughters. My mother was mid 30s when she had me and as adults, we went on many holidays together.

“He would rather…”. 😳🤣

This was the kind of crap I got from XDH in the early days when he was still under the illusion I gave a shiny shit about his opinion.

DD and I are good friends - and I was great friends with my mum right to the end. Have a brilliant time.

He’s jealous OP. I love spending time with my DDs (early 20s). Not so much weekends away these days as they’ve got partners and limited annual leave but we go out for dinner/brunch/cinema/cocktails. I really enjoy their company.

He’s a jealous fool. Can’t bear the idea of being left out of you all doing something lovely together.

Your ex is abusive. He will continue to say things he thinks will upset you, so don't pay attention to his bile.

Your DDs sound lovely, and they want to spend time with you. Don't let that bastard spoil it.

No, my daughters are my daughters. They will have a million friends throughout their lives, they will only ever have one mother. I'm super close to my daughters, as I am with my own mother, but I am very concious of that line because when it gets crossed is when boundaries begin to blur.

He's:
Jealous
Clueless
Horrible

Tell him nothing, it's none of his business and tell him nothing in future.

What a bellend he is, trying to impose his shitty opinions onto you. Fuck off mate 🥱
I have a couple of sisters and absolutely loved our mini breaks/holidays with our mum when we were the same sort of age as your daughters. Of course, we’re all in our thirties now so have too many other life commitments to do many of these trips anymore and that makes me a bit sad, but they’re precious memories.
I still consider my mum to be a ‘friend’ of sorts. Of course it’s always slightly different to a ‘true’ friendship but I love hanging out with her and it’s an easy, fun relationship (for the most part!!)
Block your ex, he’s just bringing a negative energy you don’t need!