Is your daughter also your friend?

[user12343333333334]

I have recently escaped an extremely abusive marriage. So my thoughts and beliefs can be skewed sometimes, as a result of my ex's behaviour. I am recovering but slowly.
My DDs (18 and 20) are wonderful. I love spending time with them and we do some things together. They also have their own friends and I don't impose on them.
I mentioned to my ex that I would be going on a weekend away with them, to a city break destination but also to visit my friend who lives there. I received the following message from him. "I would rather the girls went away in their own. You are their mother not their friend".
I am now questioning myself.
Is it normal to be a friend and a mother to your children adult children?
My mum was 20 when I was born and we were super close. She was my best friend. So I question whether my ex is right and my relationship with my mum was unusual, or because she was so young.

Oh tell him to bog off! He's only jealous.

I do loads of stuff with my adult DDs as we share interests. I do not impose on the rest of their lives.

You could message him back 'Actually I am both, and I don't give a stuff what you'd rather'.

What he meant to say is 'why don't my daughters want to spend that kind of time with me?'
I'm sure the discomfort of the self reflection required to acknowledge, let alone ask, that question is far beyond the realms of your abusive ex.

I am a thirty something daughter who enjoys a close relationship with my mother.
Also one who's mother is still married to an abuser and therefore would never be allowed to come away on a city break with me.

What you're doing is lovely, the problem is him.

Why earth would a loved one not be someone to spend a weekend with. What a screwed up a-hole.
That be a parent not a friend phrase applies to those situations where when they are growing up you need to guide them as a parent even if your guidance is an unpopular direction in the eyes if the child.
It's about not avoiding the difficult conversations because you would rather have your child think you're cool.

I went to Berlin with my mum as an adult, it was lovely, nice to hang out with someone when you know each other really well and can enjoy things together.

It's a lovely way strengthening your bond and relationship.

Don't share with him and ignore this, your own instincts and memories of your own mum are more accurate.

Have fun

Jealous twat, i spent a week in Spain with my 23yo DD in the spring, we had a great time and it was her idea.

Whether or not you describe yourself as their "friend" is irrelevant here. It's completely normal (and lovely!) to go away for the weekend with your adult daughters. Have a lovely time OP and try to stop caring what your ex thinks.

Well there you have it OP in black and white; the reason he's your ex. He's a malevolent dick.
Once I was an adult, my mum became my very best friend.
And I hope I have the same relationship with my dc. Mine are teens, and all they want to do this holidays is spend some 1:1 time with me, oh and to go camping tent up in the garden won't cut it apparently!

Why are you messaging your ex abuser and telling him your weekend plans?

My DDs and I very close - similar ages to yours . We spend as much time together as we can , sometimes breaks but if not then days out and we chat for a long time . Lunches out , shopping . Lots of my friends go away with their DDs for weekend breaks etc - it's not unusual in the slightest and your ex sounds like he's still finding ways to control you . Don't talk to him about it !

WTF has it got to do with him? Ignore. I have holidays with my adult DD most years and visit her regularly in her home town where we have nights out. I'll continue doing it for as long as she enjoys my company.

OP I completely agree with other previous comments. He's jealous of you lovely close relationship with your daughters. The parent:child relationship changes as your daughters mature and become adults. It sounds like your relationship with them has continued to strengthen whereas his has possibly weakened. Ignore his comments and continue to build some wonderful memories with your two lovely daughters.

His opinions on your relationship with your daughters is irrelevant. Who cares what his thoughts are?!

My daughter is 38 and has children of her own. I'd call her my best friend. We chat everyday on the phone and see each other throughout the week. We share very similar tastes in many things.

She moved into my house with the children about 2 years ago when she had her bathroom renovated. She stayed for 3 weeks and we loved it and were both upset when the bathroom was done and she went home.

Enjoy your time with your girls and ignore him. 💐

My dd is 28. I don't consider myself her friend. I would never over confide in her about health worries etc.
We go out together for meals/ theatre but would never go on holiday together.

You stated he was an abusive ex in your opening post @user12343333333334

So why would you take any notice of what he texted you ?

Reading so many threads on here about abusive, narcissistic Mums or enabling mothers who allowed fathers physically or emotionally abuse their daughters makes me appreciate my Mum even more.

Enjoy your lovely daughters' company and vice versa. .

So if you were still together and you went away all four of you, would that be ok because it’s a family holiday?

But now that you’ve freed yourself from him, suddenly you going away with them is somehow wrong?

Who says you’re going away with them as their ‘friend’ and not as their mum?

He is just trying to make sure that you can’t reap the rewards of your brave step in making a new life without him. Don’t tell him anything anymore.

Also, imagine this became a tradition that you and your girls went away every few years for a weekend together, how nice would that be.

He's messing with your head. Don't tell him anything in future. In fact, do you have to have any contact?

My mum is my best friend, I'm 44

My daughters are teenagers so I'm their mum first and foremost but when they're adults I hope I have that relationship with them

Your ex is an asshole x

He's ABUSIVE

He's CONTROLLING

he's trying to mess up your life and your happiness.

Since when have parents and children had to have separate holidays??

It didn't matter how you define your relationship with them. If you enjoy spending time together and all want to go on holiday then go on holiday.

It's as simple as that.

Don't overthink it.
Don't place any value on his opinion
Don't tell him anything about your life.
Enjoy life without him and enjoy your holiday with your lovely DDs.

He's in the wrong not you!
I'm going away with my adult DD for a few days in September, they were pushing to do it, not me. Well I know mum paying for everything is a significant factor in why they want me there, but we all had a really lovely time when we did it last year.

Ignore your twatty ex!

How strange!

My children aren't adults, by I hope very much to be able to see the world with them as they grow up.

I had several really lovely holidays with my parent son my twenties. I tend to holiday in UK at the moment (4 DC, eldest is 7) andmy parents have joined us for a couple of days several times. My mum is my mum and I love her and she loves me and my family. I love spending time with her.

The only issue I could see is if the relationship become smothering in either direction. I do things without my parents, they do things without me. Assuming your DDs don't feel they have to come out of guilt, or that they aren't independent enough to do their ownthing then I really can't see any problem. As long as you are all capable of living separate lives withiut anyone feeling negative, then you can absolutely enjoy happy times together!

Ive just come back from a weekend away with my daughter. Hes bring a dick and feeding your insecurities

Your ex is horrible. A close friendship with your adult children is a blessing to everyone. Mine are my best friends, they say so themselves, and they say how lucky they feel that we have that relationship. Obviously I take care to give them their space too

That sounds lovely and normal !
But why on earth would you mention this to your abusive ex ? i would not be telling him one atom of my future plans, whatever you choose to do is none of his business.

It's totally normal, OP, he sounds jealous.

I have a dd of around the same age. Yes, I'm her mum first and foremost, but we also have what is effectively a very close friendship, whether or not either of us would refer to it as such. We enjoy each other's company, we support each other, we talk about stuff. We both have other friends of our own, and we respect each other's privacy on certain subjects etc.

As for going away together, dd is hands down my favourite travelling companion in the world. It is so easy to travel with her and an absolute joy - we are very relaxed in each other's company and we tend to want to do the same things. And she makes me laugh more than anyone on the planet.

Being a mum means having a good relationship with your children as far as you can. He is probably jealous.