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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Is your daughter also your friend?

81 replies

user12343333333334 · 20/07/2024 09:08

I have recently escaped an extremely abusive marriage. So my thoughts and beliefs can be skewed sometimes, as a result of my ex's behaviour. I am recovering but slowly.
My DDs (18 and 20) are wonderful. I love spending time with them and we do some things together. They also have their own friends and I don't impose on them.
I mentioned to my ex that I would be going on a weekend away with them, to a city break destination but also to visit my friend who lives there. I received the following message from him. "I would rather the girls went away in their own. You are their mother not their friend".
I am now questioning myself.
Is it normal to be a friend and a mother to your children adult children?
My mum was 20 when I was born and we were super close. She was my best friend. So I question whether my ex is right and my relationship with my mum was unusual, or because she was so young.

OP posts:
Classicstripewastaken · 20/07/2024 11:08

My sister and I are friends with my mum and we do loads together. Our friends have similar relationships with their mums. Absolutely normal. Go enjoy your trip and ignore ex!

Livebythecoast · 20/07/2024 11:21

If you and your girls are happy to go away together, then it's no-one else's business. My DD is 20 and we have a very close relationship. She has a boyfriend and her own friends but we enjoy spending time together, just the two of us too.
Enjoy your trip !

Original poster
user12343333333334 · 20/07/2024 11:22

Its tricky as I have younger DC to consider. So I still have some contact re: holiday time and financials. Early days in divorce proceedings.
Ex is horribly narcissistic and extremely controlling. So my boundaries needed A LOT of work.
You are all so right that he is jealous. He has said he wants to take them away and that's ok! 🤷🏼‍♀️
My girls are uni students, so have their own lives. But when they are home we have fun together sometimes.
I have two beautiful sisters who are my absolute rocks and a few close friends who I can offload to.
DDs obviously have their own thoughts on their father, but I do not comment on him to them. Can't say he accords me the same respect...
I have had intense counselling and am getting better at asserting my boundaries generally. (I was so conditioned to listen to his opinions all the time). But I still doubt myself now and again. We were together for 27 years.

OP posts:
ReadtheReviews · 20/07/2024 11:25

Tell him nothing. He is jealous. What you're doing is normal and lovely. It is not his place to dictate your relationship with anyone or theirs.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/07/2024 11:29

This is absolutely normal, he’s just jealous of the bond.

SheSlays · 20/07/2024 11:29

A close relationship with daughters is something to cherish. My adult daughter and I have a lovely, nurturing relationship based on a deep sense of mutual respect and care. We have loads of fun together and, also, have our own friends. It’s different to my relationship with my friends: I don’t tell her the intimate details of my relationship with my partner for example. And I don’t talk to her about what an a**hole her dad is (although I do offer her emotional support when she wants to talk about her struggles with him, I just keep it neutral and centred on her). And we go on holiday together because we enjoy each others company, it’s fun and we create memories to cherish.

Sounds like your ex is being a bullying a**hole.

Hope you and your daughters have a wonderful holiday! @user12343333333334

decionsdecisions62 · 20/07/2024 12:09

I'm very close to my 18 and 24 year old daughters and we go on holidays together, go to the pub etc etc.

Ignore the abusive arsehole. It's a success story if you have that kind of relationships with your older children. I find it sad that some people don't.

Original poster
user12343333333334 · 20/07/2024 12:27

Thank you everyone.
So reassuring.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 23/07/2024 08:17

Ignore him. I do all sorts with my daughters the same age. They are happy and have their own friends and lives too

Original poster
user12343333333334 · 23/07/2024 15:02

@socks1107 thank you.
I sometimes don't know what's normal because of the abuse we suffered.
They are great girls, brilliant friends to each other too.

OP posts:
AppleStrudel23 · 23/07/2024 15:16

Me and my sister are past 30 and love spending time with our 70yr old mum.

It would be an issue if she emotionally used us as children/teenagers and made us carry her emotional burden instead of being a parent

Rebootnecessary · 23/07/2024 15:21

My daughter is 26 and I am her mother, not her friend. We have a close relationship, we don't always agree and we wind each other up sometimes. But we also enjoy trips and holidays together.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 25/07/2024 01:01

What you do with your adult DD's has nothing to do with your ex, he sounds jealous and controlling, I would completely ignore him, no response is the best response.

Alwaystimeforacupoftea · 25/07/2024 01:08

My daughters are not my friends, they are my lovely family and I love doing activities like going out, eating out, holidaying and things like that with them. Only if they want to and not to prioritise it over their friendships with their peers. Holidaying with your parent is completely normal, he, however, is not.

Fifteentreefrogs · 25/07/2024 02:25

He's jealous of your relationship with them and is trying to exert control over it by making you doubt yourself.
Completely ignore him.
I would love to have that type of relationship with my mother and only hope I have it with my daughters once they are adults.
Your daughters are over 18 and the relationship can be more like friendship now.. altho they are still young and may need a bit of parenting yet still sometimes.. it's lovely when they reach the stage where you can actually enjoy each others company as adults all together.

andyourpointiswhat · 25/07/2024 02:32

Well he is still trying to control you, who gives a flying f* about what he would prefer. If your daughters want to go on holiday with you that is their choice.

FWIW 21yo DD and I will be spending three weeks together next year travelling around Europe (we live in Aus). She could have gone with girlfriends recently but said she would prefer to go with me as she didn’t want to move on every few days and wants to spend a week in Paris which I do too. We often holiday together as we have similar styles of travel and it is lots of fun. I also holiday regularly with DH and DD spends time away with her boyfriend. Nothing unhealthy about it.

LifeExperience · 25/07/2024 02:38

Yes, being a friend to your adult daughter is normal. What's not normal is staying in touch with your abusive ex when the children are grown, and what's really not normal is paying one iota of attention to anything that your abuser tells you. Block him and be free.

deeahgwitch · 25/07/2024 16:16

LifeExperience · 25/07/2024 02:38

Yes, being a friend to your adult daughter is normal. What's not normal is staying in touch with your abusive ex when the children are grown, and what's really not normal is paying one iota of attention to anything that your abuser tells you. Block him and be free.

Absolutely 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

TayceOnToast · 25/07/2024 16:18

Sounds like such a lovely relationship you have with your adult girls! I didn’t have this with my mum when I was their age but I wanted it and I will strive for this kind of relationship with my future kids ❤️

Wendycoping · 25/07/2024 16:22

Don't let him ruin time with your dds. Enjoy every minute. I'm about to go to the cinema with two of my dds, 18 and 21. We are going on a city break in October as well.

Galoop · 25/07/2024 16:38

I don't see how going away with your daughter makes you her friend anyway. I'm not friends with my mum, but I'd quite like going away with her because I love her and enjoy her company. I also think the dynamic changes when you're older it your parents and you become slightly less like their child. To me being friends with your parents is quite a different thing and more about the dynamic, what you talk about and what you do together

kalokagathos · 25/07/2024 21:40

What a weird thing to say. Me and my sister speak to our mother twice a day sometimes and go on lots of family holiday together as well as girls only. We are in our 40s and have families of our own. He is a weirdo!

cestlavielife · 25/07/2024 21:43

Of course you should go away with your dc
Why are you mentioning anything to your ex.
Cut contact. Stop telling him anything
The dds can talk to him or not they are adults.
The only emails you need to write are practical matters regarding the divorce

fleurdolease · 25/07/2024 21:59

Absolutely normal to do this kind of thing with your daughters. It's lovely that you clearly all enjoy spending time together (and also that you have friendships and spend time doing things outside of the family.) He has absolutely no right to comment or any say in what any of you do. Enjoy yourselves!

MrsOvertonsWindow · 25/07/2024 21:59

If you've been together 27 years then cutting contact will be hard. But posters are right. Stop volunteering any information to him. Go grey rock. Communicate only essential information. Check everything before you send it and ask - does he need to know this? Why am I sending it?

Don't let his controlling jealousy spoil your lovely developing relationship with your adult daughters. They're so special and to be cherished.