Struggling a bit with DS's manipulative GF

[RomanRoysSearchHistory]

Need some advice please - realise it's not my place (or intention) to interfere in their relationship at all, but more on how to deal with my own misgivings and concern, as DS's GF keeps manipulating situations so that she has her way and DS right where she wants him.

They got together in February- DS is 20, GF 17. She's clever, polite, studious, mature in many ways and very sensible. I welcomed her with open arms and was happy for her to stay over at ours whenever they liked. DS wasn't allowed to sleep over at GF's house, however he was welcomed kindly by her family and given their approval, as DS was friendly with GF's DF through sporting activities. They were seemingly ok with her staying over at ours though.

In June, DS was going abroad for a week with friends on a holiday booked prior to them getting together. As the holiday approached, DS was suddenly allowed to stay over at GF's, then 2 weeks before his holiday he announced that GF wanted him to move in (to her parent's house) with her.

This all seemed a bit too soon and came as a shock tbh, given that he hadn't even been allowed to sleep over until 2 weeks prior.

Anyway, he moved in, but I could never understand why the sudden 180 by the parents. Well it transpires recently that she'd threatened her parents to move out and into OUR house with DS if they didn't relent and let DS stay over and move in before his lads holiday. However, that offer was never on the table (for her to move in with us) she'd evidently made that up in order to get her parents to cave, as they understandably don't want her to move out during her A levels.

I have just stood back and watched this all unfold, but am pretty pissed off tbh. DS leaving hit me hard in terms of empty-nest syndrome and I'm of course happy that he's ready to fly, but I'm not happy about the circumstances of him leaving if that makes sense? It seemed as though it wasn't really his own decision, and he keeps making noises about how he almost immediately regretted it and wants to come back one day. (I haven't said no).

Additionally DS's GF's parents are obviously none the wiser that we've all been played.
GF's DM had been acting quite off and passive aggressive with DS, evidently feeling slightly resentful at being strong-armed into a decision she didn't really want to make either. But nobody has ever said "no" to the GF, from what I can gather, so she's used to getting her own way.

DS is super laid back and doesn't seem overly concerned (that he's mentioned), but there's a history of emotional abuse from his F so he does have a tendency to go along with things for a quiet life. This is one of several tricks that have been pulled by DS's GF over the last few months. I'm concerned that DS is being blind to the coercion and in all honesty I'm also feeling like a pawn in someone's daft game, because I had never said she could move in. (I was never asked).

I'd asked DS to pop in and feed the dog this evening after work as I'd been held up (he passes anyway on his way back to hers). But then rather than working as she had planned, his GF then wanted to drive 20 mins to our house (under the guise of "missing the dog"...) But I just feel as though she won't let him out of her sight, or is mistrustful of him. He's given her absolutely no reason to feel this way, he's a really good lad and reassures her all the time, she just seems overly insecure and clingy. I'm seeing so many red flags here though and I know I can't interfere at all as it's his life at 20.

I suppose my dilemma is that I feel quite strongly that I don't really want to be in her company at all right now, mostly because I'm pissed off and peri, and really just want to be kind, but might fail.
I am unsure how to say to DS "I dont feel comfortable around GF right now" without upsetting him or causing an issue between them and being "that person". I know he values my opinion and I don't want to sway him in any way.

Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up, ignore the fact we've all been played and play happy families? I'm quite honestly fuming and don't see that subsiding in the near future. If I sound as though I'm being unreasonable, please say so, I'm unsure whether the peri hormones are clouding my judgement 😵‍💫

He sounds like a lovely man who has a very close relationship with his mother (no siblings and single parent?)

and doesn’t want to hurt her with the truth op

There's a really awful thread elsewhere on mumsnet that is still ongoing and it started just like this. Small things like not socialising with any of his friends, having to be in her company all the time, soon escalated into a abusive relationship.

Hugs to you OP cos it all sounds awful xx

Why not? It's a 3 year gap, not 30.

I mean I'm not sure why anyone is surprised that a teenage girl is acting like a teenage girl.

I think just bite your tongue and play nice, assuming it'll either fizzle out when she goes to uni to embark on the next stage of her life - or she'll do some maturing over the next couple of years as most girls and young women do and will be a bit more sensible once she enters her twenties.

If the GF is going away to uni next year won't the situation resolve itself? I take it you mean literally "going away". Your son is highly unlikely to stay by himself at her parents I presume?

Well no, most people of your parents generation did not marry in their teens unless you are part of a particular community (eg travellers) where that is common. My mum is similar age to your parents and she and all her friends were mid to late 20s at least before marrying.

But anyway, it seems pretty unlikely that this will last if she’s going to uni - most relationships break down during this time. Just bide your time and teach him to be resilient.

You've every right to be worried @RomanRoysSearchHistory. They've been going out a wet week and he's moved into her parents house under questionable circumstances. And I appreciate that he is an adult and has free will but the GF sounds like a piece of work.

I would engineer a coffee with the Mum. I think it is a courteous thing to do anyway given that your son has moved into their home, irrespective of paying rent. I think you need to find out exactly how it came to be that your DS suddenly did a moonlight flit into this girl's home. I'm sure she wouldn't be best pleased to find out that moving in with you wasn't an option if what your DS said was true.

It all sounds incredibly suffocating and unhealthy and while your son is indeed 20, his history with emotional abuse may make him vulnerable to not recognising the signs of when it is happening again. And on that basis I think a mild intervention of getting to know the Mum/getting the real story is a good start. She may just take any meddling out of your hands and ask your DS to move out.

Yes it'll never last. He'll be back before you know it. I'd want to tell the parents in some way that you didn't suggest she move into yours because I wouldn't want anyone thinking I'd invite a 17 year old to do that. Is there a mutual friend between you and parents or anyone who can drop that into conversation? If not I might be tempted to tell them another way.