Struggling a bit with DS's manipulative GF

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Need some advice please - realise it's not my place (or intention) to interfere in their relationship at all, but more on how to deal with my own misgivings and concern, as DS's GF keeps manipulating situations so that she has her way and DS right where she wants him.

They got together in February- DS is 20, GF 17. She's clever, polite, studious, mature in many ways and very sensible. I welcomed her with open arms and was happy for her to stay over at ours whenever they liked. DS wasn't allowed to sleep over at GF's house, however he was welcomed kindly by her family and given their approval, as DS was friendly with GF's DF through sporting activities. They were seemingly ok with her staying over at ours though.

In June, DS was going abroad for a week with friends on a holiday booked prior to them getting together. As the holiday approached, DS was suddenly allowed to stay over at GF's, then 2 weeks before his holiday he announced that GF wanted him to move in (to her parent's house) with her.

This all seemed a bit too soon and came as a shock tbh, given that he hadn't even been allowed to sleep over until 2 weeks prior.

Anyway, he moved in, but I could never understand why the sudden 180 by the parents. Well it transpires recently that she'd threatened her parents to move out and into OUR house with DS if they didn't relent and let DS stay over and move in before his lads holiday. However, that offer was never on the table (for her to move in with us) she'd evidently made that up in order to get her parents to cave, as they understandably don't want her to move out during her A levels.

I have just stood back and watched this all unfold, but am pretty pissed off tbh. DS leaving hit me hard in terms of empty-nest syndrome and I'm of course happy that he's ready to fly, but I'm not happy about the circumstances of him leaving if that makes sense? It seemed as though it wasn't really his own decision, and he keeps making noises about how he almost immediately regretted it and wants to come back one day. (I haven't said no).

Additionally DS's GF's parents are obviously none the wiser that we've all been played.
GF's DM had been acting quite off and passive aggressive with DS, evidently feeling slightly resentful at being strong-armed into a decision she didn't really want to make either. But nobody has ever said "no" to the GF, from what I can gather, so she's used to getting her own way.

DS is super laid back and doesn't seem overly concerned (that he's mentioned), but there's a history of emotional abuse from his F so he does have a tendency to go along with things for a quiet life. This is one of several tricks that have been pulled by DS's GF over the last few months. I'm concerned that DS is being blind to the coercion and in all honesty I'm also feeling like a pawn in someone's daft game, because I had never said she could move in. (I was never asked).

I'd asked DS to pop in and feed the dog this evening after work as I'd been held up (he passes anyway on his way back to hers). But then rather than working as she had planned, his GF then wanted to drive 20 mins to our house (under the guise of "missing the dog"...) But I just feel as though she won't let him out of her sight, or is mistrustful of him. He's given her absolutely no reason to feel this way, he's a really good lad and reassures her all the time, she just seems overly insecure and clingy. I'm seeing so many red flags here though and I know I can't interfere at all as it's his life at 20.

I suppose my dilemma is that I feel quite strongly that I don't really want to be in her company at all right now, mostly because I'm pissed off and peri, and really just want to be kind, but might fail.
I am unsure how to say to DS "I dont feel comfortable around GF right now" without upsetting him or causing an issue between them and being "that person". I know he values my opinion and I don't want to sway him in any way.

Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up, ignore the fact we've all been played and play happy families? I'm quite honestly fuming and don't see that subsiding in the near future. If I sound as though I'm being unreasonable, please say so, I'm unsure whether the peri hormones are clouding my judgement 😵‍💫

You are absolutely hilarious. You obviously have a very unrealistic outlook. She’s old enough to Drink wine, beer or cider with a meal in a restaurant, legally have consensual sex, claim benefits in some circumstances, open a bank account without parent’s permission, get a full-time job and apply for a driving licence to drive a car…. She’s an adult not a child

I would sit down with my son and calmly express my concerns, and say he's welcome to come home any time.

My ex's mother loathed me and told my ex exactly what she thought of me. Unlike they thought, I didn't actually mind her expressing her opinion. I DID mind the hysterical fashion in which she did it and the fact she threatened to cut him off unless he dumped me. So I would keep it very calm and, once I'd said it, leave it to him.

I would probably also tell the parents that the girlfriend moving in with you was never an option (how do you know this but they don't?).

I would say something to your son about how you’ve noticed she gets her way a lot, how that can tip over into things more controlling and to be cautious. If he brushes it off then let him know you’re there for him.
My DS had a girlfriend who said he had to change and work on how he took care of her, aged 17 both. I told him it was not right and a person should care about you for who you are. I didn’t advise him to break up but said he should consider what he wanted a relationship to look like.They broke up shortly after, but during their time together he did seem to be doing ALL the running around.

They are both still young. If it was a couple of decades ago I would worry, but these days relationships don’t seem to last long at that age. They haven’t been together long now.
She obviously has behaved in a manipulative way, but I don’t necessarily think it was malicious. I think she just wanted her home comforts and her boyfriend in the same place.

In your shoes I would bite my tongue, carry on seeing her and not make it an issue for your son. He needs to know if he changes his mind he can come back to a safe home that doesn’t involve ‘told you so’s’. I think if you argue your point now she might double down her behaviour and he might stay even if he’s unhappy to save face with you.

you said : I could never understand why the sudden 180 by the parents. Well it transpires recently that she'd threatened her parents to move out and into OUR house with DS if they didn't relent and let DS stay over and move in before his lads holiday.

how do you know this - who told you.
if it was your son then he already knows surely?

I was expecting someone to raise this.
She's 18 next month and studying A levels.
I had my reservations, but he'd only just turned 20 when they met and anyway it's none of my business.
He's perhaps quite innocent for his age, they're both kind, caring, hardworking and responsible young adults.
It's a 2.5 year age gap, which isn't inappropriate. They were friends that developed feelings. It's not what you're insinuating, by any stretch.

I could never understand the 180, so I asked my son a couple of weeks ago.
He had questioned the 189 in his mind also but hadn't outright asked GF why the sudden change of heart, he just took it at face value.

After I'd asked DS, he then asked GF. Her response to why the sudden change of heart was "they didn't want me to move out".

In your shoes I would bite my tongue, carry on seeing her and not make it an issue for your son. He needs to know if he changes his mind he can come back to a safe home that doesn’t involve ‘told you so’s’. I think if you argue your point now she might double down her behaviour and he might stay even if he’s unhappy to save face with you.

Thank you, I have made it clear he can come home if he changes his mind. He's a proud lad and I do think he's staying to save face, even though I'd never say "I told you so". I also think it'd really upset her if he came home and he would have a real job on his hands. He'd also be worried about upsetting or offending her parents. It's honestly a bit of a mess tbh.

@Previousreligion
how do you know this but they don't?

DS told me a couple of weeks ago when I asked why the change of heart over him being allowed to stay.
GF certainly isn't going to tell them, and DS wouldn't as it'd get GF into trouble.
I don't know them or have any contact details for them. I don't want to turn up, knock on the door and throw a bomb in. If I happen to meet them out and about then I'd mention it casually in conversation.
If I went knocking on the door interfering in a 20 year olds relationship I'm sure Mnetters would have a lot to say.

Thank you. I have been in some horribly abusive relationships and whilst I don't feel it's anywhere near that point with DS, there are certainly red flags that could develop into real issues.

I had a chat with DS last week and basically said similar to what you've suggested. I also said to ensure he continues to educates himself around what a healthy romantic relationship looks like (I've been a single parent to him since he was 6 months old, and we don't have a model of any healthy marriages in either side of our families).
The one good thing about social media these days is that there are a lot of reels etc about red flags in relationships and what constitutes a good relationship.
I'll continue to tread the fine line of being supportive and open without offering unsolicited advice.

I think you need some psychological help, seriously

I don't think it would be weird to suggest a meal out /. inviting the parents over for dinner though if you wanted to engineer a meeting. I met my DH in my early thirties and my mum couldn't wait to meet him 😂. She definitely met him before we moved in together. And she's not pushy or involved in our relationship at all

I mean honestly I wouldn't want my 20 year old son to be moving in with someone's parents, he should be independent. All you can do is be there for him when it inevitably goes horribly wrong.

Oh I met the GF not long after they started dating, just not her parents.
GF used to stay at ours over the weekends. Her parents were ok with that, just not DS staying over there, initially.

I could instigate a meal with parents and DS/GF, yes. I'm a total introvert and find this kind of social thing completely horrendous though 😅 especially as a single. I might actually just invite GF's DM for a coffee initially, see how that goes..

No, I didn't but what can we do when they're adults? He didn't particularly want to either really. He's paying them board etc and they cook their own meals. It's only because there's literally zero rentals available within a 20 mile radius (live in a national park, all holiday homes).
They've been looking for their own place, but it would mean moving out of the county and it's just impractical for work/study currently. I imagine they will eventually, GF is going to uni next year anyway.

I think a tentative coffee with the girls Mum is a good idea. Friendly, getting to know her, etc

I'm not sure if I'd mention that you'd never suggested that girl could move in with you - might that create issues?

I have a son who is a bit younger than yours. He had a girlfriend for a year and right from the start I could see she was quite possessive. I tried to stay as neutral as possible but would listen when my son spoke about issues and let him know that the things that were worrying him were valid. He eventually told me that he was really unhappy, we talked it through and he told the girl he needed a break. Fortunately that was the end of it but it was really hard seeing my son feeling that way.

My advice would be to keep the lines of communication open with your son. Have him over once a week or fortnight for a family dinner. Hugely stress the need for your son to take responsibility for contraception. The pill is not 100%
Is he still seeing friends/siblings and maintaining other relationships?

She is behaving a bit childishly but then she is 17yrs old. Although I don’t have a particular problem with the age gap, I do think you have to accept that she is still very young. She doesn’t have to behave like an adult because she isn’t one. Your son is though and he didn’t have to move in with her. It is pretty awkward moving in with your girlfriend’s parents when she is still in school. He should have turned down the offer.

Yes, find a way, « how is it going with DS? Let me know if you want him to move out really, I know having an extra person in the house can have an impact. Actually I was surprised you offered, personally I wouldn’t have offered for her to move in, she is lovely but I just value a calm house too much (or whatever random reason ».

You just need to talk to the girl friend's mum.

You need to not interfere and take a step back. Your son needs to learn the normal lessons of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Let him know the door is always open for him to come back and don’t voice strong opinions on her, this will only drive him away more.

You are making a mountain out of a mole hill here. I began dating my partner at 17 & he was 20. We've been together 28 years, no coercion, no abuse & no control. Just 2 consenting partners that met & fell in love.

Lol why are so many Gen Z people obsessed with tiny age gaps these days? If 17 is “a child” and 20 is “grown ass” then when exactly does the radical change from child to grown ass occur? The way you’re going “he’s 20!” makes it sound like he was 40 or something.