Is it ok to tell young adult DC to leave home?

[Mixey]

Eldest DS is 20. Just finishing an apprenticeship with a guaranteed job at the end of it, and earns a good wage for his age.

He lives at home but acts like he's not part of the family. He doesn't speak to the rest of us unless spoken to. Comes and goes without advance notice so I never know when to cater for him at mealtimes etc. Stays in his room all the time, only comes out for meals (if he's here when they're served). Never helps with any chores. I have laid down ground rules and issued chores but I get fed up of constantly nagging/reminding, often to be told he "can't do it now as going out" and says he'll do it later/tomorrow, but of course he doesn't.

He says he wants to leave home but doesn't seem to be making a sincere effort to move out. He hasn't saved any money over the 3 years he's been working, just blown it all on going out, clothes, recreational drugs :(

On a day to day basis he doesn't cause a lot of trouble apart from his dismissive attitude and leaving mess in the kitchen and bathroom (he doesn't clean or tidy up after himself ever). But if we pull him up on his attitude or not cleaning up after himself, he often loses his temper and storms off. He has on several occasions thrown things at the walls, causing damage.

I did tell him a few months ago that while he's living here he has to follow the family rules, treat others with respect, clean up after himself etc, and if he doesn't like it then he should find somewhere else to live. He got upset and his attitude improved ever so slightly for a while, but he still made no effort to do his assigned chores, and now it seems we're back to square one.

I'm now thinking of giving him a deadline to move out. Is this cruel and will it destroy our relationship permanently? I can just see him interpreting it as his heartless parents unreasonably kicking him out, and since he avoids us most of the time he is generally no trouble, but I'm fed up of living with someone who barely speaks to me yet still expects me to wash up his coffee cups that he dumps by the sink.

Before you ask him to leave you could try not doing any shopping, cooking, washing etc for him. Anything he leaves by the sink, put it in his bedroom. Worth a try.

Thanks usernother, I have tried that to a degree - I have made him do his own washing since he was a young teen. He has started buying some of his own food. But then he will come home late and decide to eat, the house is quite small so I have to tolerate clattering about in the kitchen and cooking smells wafting upstairs at 11pm when I'm trying to sleep! Then I come down in the morning to a messy kitchen and dirty dishes.

I will stop washing up the dirty cups, although I have tried this before and he just uses the rest of the family mugs instead.

Anyone else experienced a similar situation?

It's not just about the chore avoidance, that's just the final straw really. It's more about being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by living with someone who treats me and the rest of the family with disdain. And having to avoid addressing the issues most of the time, as I never know when pulling DS up on things might spark a temper tantrum with doors being violently slammed or items or food thrown. He will borrow items and lose or break them, and will never accept responsibility or apologise, much less replace them.

I am also not happy about his inability to save any money despite the fact he now takes home more wages than I do. I don't know if the drug use is still going on, but I suspect it probably is when he's out with mates.

I think it's fine to ask him to move out so that he can experience independence. Explain that you won't be around forever and he needs to get used to standing on his own two feet.

Or you could charge him an unaffordable rate of rent to cover the cost of the extra bills, the extra cleaning/cleaner you now need to hire etc.....in the hope that it prompts him to look for a better option?

When my dd was 17 she dropped out of college as she wanted ‘chill time’ to figure out what she was doing…

I told her that if she wasn’t studying or trying to get a job she would have to move in with her dad. And she did! But she found work and moved back about 4 months later.

Then fully moved out when she was 18.

I was a single mum at the time and money was tight and it might have been mean but I wasn’t having her laying about doing nothing whilst I was struggling.

We have an excellent relationship now, she has an incredible work ethic and is very independent.

Sometimes they do need a push so they are not taking the piss.

I'd say you have tried to make it work so yes ask him to move out . If he doesn't want to and agrees to do better you could suggest a 6 month trial with the understanding he leaves if things haven't improved.

But otherwise I'd give him 3 months to leave. Realistically can he afford to rent? Will he need a flat share? What would you do if he doesn't find anywhere?

Give him notice and hold to it. He should have been asked to leave the first time he showed aggression. That behaviour is never acceptable and you shouldn't have to live in fear of an outburst in your own home. Make sure you get your keys back, although I would be thinking of changing the locks in your position. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you, your belongings or your home.

This is going to sound harsh but it’s your fault for allowing him to get away with it.
How long has this been going on for?
My son is 20, he didn’t want to do chores, used to kick off etc but I was relentless, I kept on reminding him and pushing him and now he does it without me ever having to ask.
He gets that if he wants to live with me, as adults, he needs to behave like one and contribute towards the household by doing more chores and hours housework than I do! (I work FT, he doesn’t!)

He can get a room in a shared house and it should help I’m to grow up a bit.

I think you just need to be firm with him, he either pulls his weight and is pleasant, or he finds somewhere else to live.

Can he afford to rent? Could you afford to help with a deposit? Might soften it abit if he thinks you're supporting him - if you can't, you can't though!

My DS is 20 and is generally away at Uni, when he's home he can be back for quite long stints, and whilst we don't charge him rent, I do expect him to pull his weight. He's not great at doing things on his own accord, and loves nothing more that lolloping around the place followed by a night out.., but if I ask him to do something, I expect it to be done.
He does try the old later/tomorrow trick, but I just stay strong.
In fairness to him, he is a good saver though and when not studying he works and is saving for a deposit for when he's finished Uni. Doesn't stop me expecting him to pull his weight though!

Sounds tough OP and I sympathise. My DC are not like this but I do see flashes of this sort of behaviour… but more in my 16 year old than in my older DC.

Is DS’s dad around? Does he listen to him at all?

I wonder if you can have a non-confrontational chat with him where you state your expectations and ask him how he’d feel if he had a housemate who behaves as he does?

Thanks so much everyone who's replied so far. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and it's left me feeling quite alone.

I should add that to DS' credit, he works hard at his job (50+ hours a week). He often does 10 hour shifts, starting or finishing at anti social hours. But this makes it even more difficult to "force" him to do his expected chores, as he is out the house a lot and when home goes straight for a nap after his shift. I can't physically drag him out of bed to cook a family meal or do the dishes! This is no excuse for his negative attitude towards the rest of the family though.

Yes..he's an adult..he needs to leave

It absolutely would not be cruel to have him move out- I think in fact it would be the kindest thing! I don't think young adults are supposed to live with their parents- the whole developmental process of the teenage years is about separating from one's parents, so if the young adult remains stuck with them it can cause unhappiness on both sides. A house share would be the making of him, maturity- wise, and will save your relationship as his behaviour is totally unacceptable at the moment so your resentment will only grow. Be strong OP!

20 isn’t that young OP, he could have been at Uni and away from home at this age. It sounds like you’ve been really reasoned and fair with him but now it’s time for him to either shape up or ship out.

Can you give him notice, a few months to get some money together and tell him that you’re really sad that it’s come to this but he hadn’t listened to the warnings up until now and that he’s left you with no other options.

Thanks so much, yes DH is DS's dad. He is a good dad but much better with younger kids - he doesn't really know how to deal with teenage-style rebelliousness so tends to ignore it until he snaps and gets angry (then DS has a tantrum in response). So the more tricky bits of parenting are often left to me.... 😬

I am going to try again approaching the issues in a non-confrontational way but standing firm that he needs to move out for everyone's benefit, not least his own.

I know DS will just be indignant saying he wants to move out anyway, but hasn't been able to and it's not his fault.

We do live in an area where rental properties are limited and expensive, and I've been sympathetic to that for ages now. But at this stage I feel like if he really does want to move out, why hasn't he? Yes renting would take up a lot of his wage and he wouldn't be able to have the lifestyle he has now, and would have to learn to be careful with his money. But if he hates living at home as he claims, I don't know why that's stopped him!

I am going to try again approaching the issues in a non-confrontational way

When we've had the odd tricky situation I've found that taking them out if the house somewhere public to have a chat usually works, even if it's only MacDonalds. They are much less likely to kick off if they're in public.

My ds does 12 hour shifts and I don’t expect him to do much on work days, but he does generally clear up after himself, we get on, and he is respectful. But if he was aggressive and violent he’d be out in a shot. It’s my house and I live in it how I want. I wouldn’t care what he thought if he behaved so badly.

My 2 DS's lived at home whilst saving deposits. Elder son until 30 younger son 28. If I'd had to deal with any of the nonsense your son dishes out I'd have asked them to leave. I made my son's do their own laundry, cook family meals each week, put away shopping, hang out their sheets and duvet covers to dry on the washing line, empty the rubbish bin into black bin, recycling, empty the dishwasher, as well as keeping their own rooms tidy. Certainly they would have to clean up any mess they made in the kitchen. They'd never leave a mess for me to come down too. You are being too nice and gentle with your ds OP. It's your home, set out the house rules and tell him if he does not stick to them he will be moving out. He can probably afford a room in a shared house with bills included.

You are just sick of him.

My friend told me this has to happen because if they stayed cute babies forever, then we would never kick them out of the nest.

I hope you can find a way through it because I know if must be very hard. But it’s not his fault he earns more than you, don’t let the jealousy at this and his easy life be the cause of you falling out with him. Mind yourself x

Once you break your child's trust in you, you'll never it back. He has lived with you his entire life and believes he has a home, unless he is a danger to you or your family I wouldn't make him homeless.. Sounds like he needs you. He's going through something.

Is my son living with you aswell? Feel your pain, mine even paid his sister to clean up when my nagging got to him, ongoing in our house, I'm interested in all your replies aswell.

Do you make him pay digs @Mixey ?

That might be a good place to start, if you don’t. And make it a realistic amount so it’s an incentive to move out 😃

I think it takes a few conversations before this stuff kicks in at that age.

I agree with other PPs that it shouldn't be confrontational. Find a time when he is awake and not on his way out. Sit down with him and say you think it is time you helped him find his own place. You are 100% not kicking him out, but you have repeatedly asked him to live by your house rules and he ignores them and has been aggressive. Neither of these reactions will ever be okay with you.

Let him know you accept he is an adult who works very hard and so he has every right to live as he pleases, sleep when he likes, cook what he likes when he likes, spend his wages on weed, in his own place. But this is your home, that you have paid hundreds of thousands over the years to live in, furnish and maintain as you want it, so you can live in it on your own terms, and now it's time for him to take similar responsibilities. You are at different stages of adult life and if your rules don't fit his lifestyle, he needs a flat share with mates, or a bedsit or to lodge with someone who is happy to share with him in these conditions.

Don't make it sound judgemental. And do help him look for a place and get excited by the prospect of living alone.

But also, show him the realities. Water rates, council tax, utilities, house insurance, contents insurance, wifi, food, furniture, decor and maintenance. You have had to pay for and organise all of these over the years and continue to do so, It's a massive responsibility and any adult living with you should contribute fairly to all this, not just financially but the graft of keeping it clean and running smoothly.