Is it ok to tell young adult DC to leave home?

[Mixey]

Eldest DS is 20. Just finishing an apprenticeship with a guaranteed job at the end of it, and earns a good wage for his age.

He lives at home but acts like he's not part of the family. He doesn't speak to the rest of us unless spoken to. Comes and goes without advance notice so I never know when to cater for him at mealtimes etc. Stays in his room all the time, only comes out for meals (if he's here when they're served). Never helps with any chores. I have laid down ground rules and issued chores but I get fed up of constantly nagging/reminding, often to be told he "can't do it now as going out" and says he'll do it later/tomorrow, but of course he doesn't.

He says he wants to leave home but doesn't seem to be making a sincere effort to move out. He hasn't saved any money over the 3 years he's been working, just blown it all on going out, clothes, recreational drugs :(

On a day to day basis he doesn't cause a lot of trouble apart from his dismissive attitude and leaving mess in the kitchen and bathroom (he doesn't clean or tidy up after himself ever). But if we pull him up on his attitude or not cleaning up after himself, he often loses his temper and storms off. He has on several occasions thrown things at the walls, causing damage.

I did tell him a few months ago that while he's living here he has to follow the family rules, treat others with respect, clean up after himself etc, and if he doesn't like it then he should find somewhere else to live. He got upset and his attitude improved ever so slightly for a while, but he still made no effort to do his assigned chores, and now it seems we're back to square one.

I'm now thinking of giving him a deadline to move out. Is this cruel and will it destroy our relationship permanently? I can just see him interpreting it as his heartless parents unreasonably kicking him out, and since he avoids us most of the time he is generally no trouble, but I'm fed up of living with someone who barely speaks to me yet still expects me to wash up his coffee cups that he dumps by the sink.

Surprised noone else has mentioned it, but could his "recreational drug use" have something to do with his shit behaviour, especially bad moods? How open is he with you about his drug use, I'd be looking there...

Please say you are charging him a bloody good rent, a decent one not £15 a week

Give him 6w notice to pay a market rent and buck up his ideas or move out

You clearly haven't got a relationship with him to destroy, not a mutual respectable one anyway...are you only just teaching him now at 20 to tidy up after himself or was this a routine you installed in him as a child otherwise it shouldn't be so hard for him to do...sounds like you raised a codependant entitled ignorant brat...I'd sit down with him and browse for studio apartment's or a shared accommodation...if he pays rent he might just grow up and learn the hard way about being responsible or you can ask him to pay rent and buy the food he may just leave your house voluntarily.

I never know when pulling DS up on things might spark a temper tantrum with doors being violently slammed or items or food thrown.

Honestly? Not sure he's ready for adult life, but I don't know what else you could do. He's a grown man, and 'violently slamming doors' is generally considered a sign of emotionally abusive behaviour.

tricky time
understandable
can you help him find a house share?

Not rent the bedroom it's still apart of her home, I'd put it in the bin

I feel like that would just palm the problem off on other unsuspecting young adults.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but this is a young person who has no manners and is messy and also emotionally unstable (slamming doors, throwing food).

Not really a suitable flatmate. He might be be better off living alone for a bit whilst he gets used to adult/ independent life and doing things for himself.

I faced a similar situation and allowed it to go on for about five years before I finally confronted it. Allowing these behaviors prevents them from growing into adulthood. He is ready to leave home, which is why he is acting out, but he can't make the decision to move on because living with you is all he has known. I had to make that difficult decision. It wasn't easy, and it caused a lot of tension, but after a few months, I could see how he was flourishing. I helped him out for a few months to get on his feet, and now, three years later, he is happier than ever, confident, owns his own home, and has a fiancée.

I think I'd tell him he is leaving on October 1st.

That he needs to save a deposit for a room by then, so he needs to hand over £300 a month for the next three months, which will be put aside for that reason.
Point him at the local house share ads. Make sure he understands.

Then ask EVERY day if he found anywhere, is he looking forward to his 'freedom'?

Don't let him off the hook. If he refuses to hand over the deposit money, make it repeatedly clear, he is homeless from Oct 1st.

Do you charge him rent? If not hows he gonna be ready for the real world?

If you don't need the money from him you could charge him anyway and put the money away and then give it back to him when he does leave as a deposit.

Good luck

I'd take all the cutlery, plates and confiscate them and swap the for paper ones, tell him the kitchen is not for his use because you pay the electric and gas bills ...if he's dismissive..treat those how they like to be treated.....everything and anything he refuses to contribute to set boundaries around or limit or throw in the bin

Girls are easy though and a little less dependant it's boys who have the need for everything

Perhaps give him 12 months to move out, so he can save up. Personally I'd gift him some money to help move out.

he will learn just like those who go to university halls do, with like minded people, he will go out less because he will have less money and he will live with friends

I would tell him he can stay only if he completes an anger management course and you see improvements in his anger management at home. Give him a deadline of 4 months to focus him. That temper is not going to help him in life and pity whoever ends up being his partner.

This casual acceptance of recreational drugs floors me.

You have younger children in the house but simply accepted this?

He'd have forfeited his right to live in my house with that I'm afraid.

Talk to him again and tell him that he makes things uncomfortable because of his attitude. Don't be confrontational at all. Tell him what he can do to make living together better.
If he says he wants to live out anyway, explain to him that he's still living here and he's still creating mess and work without contributing. Negotiate a deadline for moving out and what's expected while he's here.

1. have conversation about him paying his rent to you
2. charge his share of bills (water, electro, gas, etc)
3. charge for his share of shopping

he’ll be out of the way before you know it.

oh and mention that ladies don’t like men that still live with their parents… 😊

oh and on drugs note - I would call the police.

@Mixey How much is he contributing financially to the household?

We downsized!
He loves living on his own and not being moaned at.

Yes... Driving his flatmates mad in the process...

Not all young people in their 20's who want a flat share are like this - the others will just be lumbered with him and it will result in arguments.

It would be better if he learned a few basic life skills/ self care before he lives communally in a house share. He should live on his own for a bit in a studio flat.

Do you charge rent? I’m not sure if you said you do. If not… charge rent. If you can, save it and give it to him when he moves out
fot his deposit etc.

Op you don’t have to do this in an angry way as throwing him out. It can be done by way of sitting down with him and saying now that your apprenticeship is finished it’s time to plan the next stage of your life and this involves finding a flat share. Not that you’d have to move out tomorrow but let’s say 4/5/6 months from now as thats long enough for you to save up your deposit and find somewhere. I love you very much and I only want what’s best for you.

Well if rentals are hard to come by and he would be financially worse off than living at home maybe he should have thought about that before behaving as appallingly as he has done.

He needs to go, give him a few months to save a deposit or offer to pay his deposit so he can go sooner, don't back down because he is using you. He is using your fear of an adult throwing things when he doesn't get his own way, living in fear of a violent outburst is no way to live and unfair on everyone in the house.

I would give him written notice to leave and mean it. He stays because you clean up after him, he stays because it is easier than the effort of finding a place, furnishing a place, paying his own bills etc. That doesn't mean he should be allowed to live at home. I have adult sons, they do chores, prepare family meals and are a delight to be around.